I Am A Bad Friend.

So this is going to be a super random post but it’s been on my mind a lot recently so I feel like writing about it will help my work through things that I’m dealing with/have dealt with. To begin, I’m going to say that this is just what I think of myself. I’ve never had anyone tell this to me personally, although I feel like they’ve probably thought it.

Growing up I had best friends but I feel like we were only best friends because we were little and probably somewhat forced to be. Of course I loved them (and still do!) but looking back, I wish I didn’t rely so much on the label “best friend” because it limited me. I was an extremely jealous child and I mean it when I say extremely. Whenever one of my best friends hung out with someone else I would be absolutely crushed. Like, I’d cry about it. I’d get so jealous and then I’d get so sad that I’d think that they chose them over me. In reality, they didn’t choose anyone over me, they just played with someone else for a little while. It’s a good thing to have multiple friends as a child and I will enforce that on my own so he doesn’t get stuck in this world of thinking you can only have one friend and they can only have one friend. Anyways, being this jealous child only seemed to make things worse for me. At school I only had one best friend and I remember a specific time when I was absent from school and somehow someone told me she hung out with a girl I didn’t like while I was out. I was livid. I remember calling her and asking her why she hung out with her and her being completely scared of me. Or at least, I would think she would have been because she’s getting in “trouble” by her own friend! God, I can’t believe I was actually that possessive over friends. I feel like it completely isolated me because when I didn’t have them, I had no one.

Fast forward to high school and I really grew out of that awful phase. I think I really grew out of it when I had to move to another city and had no friends at all and had to make them on my own and I had made quite a few acquaintances that maybe I stopped being so jealous because I had options? Not to say that friends are considered options at all but I think it just took me out of that old environment of only being around the same girl friends for my entire childhood. Now I had new friends to talk to and it really opened me up since I was a super shy kid before. In high school I had about three or four different best friends and sometimes we’d argue so I’d hang out with another one more than the other or maybe two didn’t get along all the time so I’d just be with them separately. It just depended on what was going on at different stages in our relationships throughout those four years. Towards the end I was completely alone, though. One went off and hung out with a different group of friends and I feel like completely ditched me. Two got super close and also gave out vibes of not wanting to be around me and the fourth one I actually don’t remember why we stopped talking but regardless, I remember being alone a lot my senior year of high school. I could probably write a book of what I recall happening and how my feelings were hurt by multiple best friends but that’s pointless now because we’re all so different and I can say that I am not the same person I was back then and neither are they. I actually hate who I used to be. I was kind of an asshole and I’m not proud of it. I was never really jealous that my close friends hung out with other people but I was jealous that they got more attention. They had more friends or more guys were interested in them or they were way prettier than I was. I considered myself the fat, ugly friend. Looking back I wasn’t fat but compared to them, I was definitely chubbier and not as pretty. This made me a horrible friend. I was going through my own insecurities that I don’t think I was there for them when they were down. Maybe I was and I can’t remember. I said awful things to them when I was upset sometimes and I actually can’t believe they befriended me afterwards. I said awful things because I was hurt by them and I wanted them to be just as hurt as me but that’s no excuse.

Enter the after high school years and me really having no one besides Jesse. He was the only best friend (and boyfriend) I had with me through thick and thin. We used to fight all the time but he never wanted to leave me. No matter what happened between us he stuck by our relationship. Being alone and going through what I went through in that last high school year made me like being alone. I never wanted to be close to anyone. Anytime someone wanted to hang out with me I’d hesitate. Sure I’d go out occasionally but I always just wanted to go back home and be with Jesse. I’m actually still like that to this day. I have a group of close girl friends now but when I think about it, there’s a lot they still don’t know about me or that I won’t tell them even though I know I talk a lot. I was told once that I talk about myself a lot and I noticed that it’s true. Looking deeper into it, I talk about myself because I try to relate to other people by doing that. Like, “Oh I love eating xyz food!” and maybe they’re eating xyz food or maybe I’m trying to see if they like that same food so we can talk about it. Get it? Or I’ll talk about my weekend or my day to just talk so the room isn’t silent. I know I could probably ask them what they did over the weekend to start conversation but my brain just never works that way.  I don’t know where I’m going with this now but basically, I’m terrified of having anyone labeled as my only Best Friend. I don’t want to rely on anyone for anything. I’m terrified of letting them down by being an asshole or I’m terrified of them letting me down since I tend to have high expectations. Yesterday I cried because of something a friend did to me. I’m 26 and I cried over what was probably nothing but my feelings were really hurt. This friend of mine actually has no clue that she hurt me and she never will because I’ll never bring it up. If I brought it up then that would mean we were really close, right? If I brought it up and it turned into an argument and we stopped talking then I’d really be hurt. So I choose to move on and put it in the past and act like nothing happened because she’ll never know.

There are times when I feel like I am an amazing friend. I’d do anything to make my friend happy and I’d bend over backwards for them so when they don’t do what I’d do for them I get pretty upset over it. I’ve had this happen to me multiple times, where I’d choose my friend before anything and I’d do whatever to make them happy when they’re down. Then when I’m down they’re not around or they don’t have time for me. Maybe they are shitty friends, I don’t know. Or maybe my expectations are too high. Regardless, I’d rather not have to think too much about it. I let people in but I keep them at a distance. I don’t want anyone to think of me as being their go to friend to call when they’re down. I don’t want me to be the one they invite everywhere. I’m absolutely terrified of being let down or letting them down. In my head, this is what makes me a bad friend. I’m awful with handling others’ emotions. When someone starts crying, I start crying. If they’re upset I honestly never know what to truly say to them to make them feel better. I’m not sure how I got this way because I literally went to school to become a therapist. I never got passed my AA degree because I lost interest but I probably would have been awful at it. Could you imagine me just crying with a patient and never actually helping them through any of their problems? Sheesh.

If you are my friend and you’re reading this, I love you. If you consider me your close friend, thank you for finding something in me to want to be friends with me. Thanks for probably knowing that I suck and still talking to me anyways. I know I’m terrible at keeping in touch and hanging out with everyone. It takes a lot to get me out of my house, so you’re not the only friend that this happens to. It’s not you, it’s definitely me. I’m sorry.

30 weeks and 4 days.

Well today was one of those weird lazy but somewhat busy days. I woke up around 5AM because what’s sleep? I went on my phone for a bit but then I eventually turned the TV on and watched the news. Jesse had to wake up early for work today anyways so he eventually got up and started to get ready. I think I passed out around 6 or 6:30 and then didn’t wake up again until 9. I didn’t have any plans for the day but wanted to make a trip to Trader Joe’s so I ended up taking Wilson with me around 1. Have you guys heard of that seasoning blend called Everything but the Bagel? I hear so many people rave about it online so I decided to give it a try. I also heard about some Chickenless Orange Chicken that I wanted to try but I had no luck and they didn’t have any so I got the regular Orange Chicken to try out for dinner tonight. Lately I just haven’t been in the mood to eat or cook meat so we’ll see how this regular orange chicken turns out. I also got some cauliflower pizza crust that I’m excited to try for dinner tomorrow night. I plan on just making a cheese, olive, and pepperoni pizza and hopefully that turns out alright; I wanted a pizza that was relatively low carb and I’ve been wanting to try cauliflower crust pizza for a while now.

Baby moves around a lot still. He was pretty chill earlier but I got a coffee from Starbucks (tall iced coffee unsweetened with soy milk 😉 ) and that eventually kicked in and got him to move around more haha. I was just thinking earlier how I never drank coffee but now that I’m pregnant I see myself wanting it more. Why is that? So weird. I know I’m allowed to have about a cup or so a day, but I only have it every once in a while so I think it’s okay. Plus I always get a size tall, never more than that so I assume there isn’t much coffee in there anyways. The only symptoms I’ve had this past week are more headaches. Yesterday I woke up with one and it lasted all day long, which made me super lazy and just not feel well. I took a nap around 3pm and didn’t wake up until around 5. I know I mentioned being emotional in one of my last posts, which is still true to this week as well. I’m just one big ball of sensitivity! Help! Someone hold me and tell me I’m pretty (kidding).

Diabetes wise, I feel so alone. Being sick really messed me up and set me back, but I feel like I’m getting closer to my goals of having everything under control. I know I could email my doctors but to me there’s no point in doing that because only I know my body and their suggestions haven’t really worked much in the past so I figured I’d just figure it all out on my own. I’m still dealing with some high blood sugars but they haven’t been as bad the past couple of days. I’m trying to take things slow when adjusting insulin so I don’t run into any hypo’s again since that scared the crap out of me.

Welp, my baby shower is almost here! I’m getting excited and stressed out about it. I don’t know why I stress over it but I do. I shouldn’t be since I’m not the one decorating or setting things up but I’ve still been included in the decisions. I’m getting my hair done on Thursday and I also get my dress delivered on Thursday too and I’m praying my hair turns out good and my dress looks good on me. I’m usually not a dress person and I don’t like wearing dresses when I’m pale but we’re just going to roll with it. Hopefully it fits, too! If this dress doesn’t work out then I’m back to square one with deciding on what I’m going to wear. I know, such first world problems.

Anyways, I can’t think of anything else that’s new that has happened within the past week! It’s been pretty chill. We did get a new camera because I wanted a nice camera to take pictures of little one with once he’s here. I still have an iPhone 6 which doesn’t always have the best camera quality. The camera we got is nice because it has WiFi so all the photo’s I take I can send to my phone! I love it. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day for me because I’m meeting up with a few different people throughout the day. Don’t be fooled though, I’m really not that important and because I like to consider myself quite an introvert I already know I’m going to be wiped out after and will want to come home and decompress for like, a day and half haha.

And here’s a cute picture of my dog because why not? Don’t you just want to squeeze his cute face and give him all the kisses? No? Just me? 😂

24 weeks and 3 days.

Okay guys I am officially BORED out of my mind being at home. Three more months of this?! What the heck am I going to do? Holy guacamole. Today is a rainy day so I did not want to leave my house and drive with all the crazies. I swear people in California don’t know how to drive as soon as water touches the ground. I am currently listening to my Ashanti Pandora radio station and typing this (duh). I was playing with my dog a little bit ago but I can only throw a toy around for so long before I get bored of doing it. I feel bad, maybe I’ll make Jesse go for a rain walk later on when he gets home so Wilson can get out of the house. I’m sure Jesse would love that idea as I am usually the one who would say no to that because I hate the cold lol. The things I do when I’m bored and stuck at home.

I’m starting to pop for sure. I feel huge today. My back pain is actually a lot better this week than last. I have only experienced the sciatica pain but no lower back pain, thank goodness! That hurt the most for sure. We finally put the baby’s crib together last night! It’s so cute, I can’t wait until the dresser comes tomorrow. We still need to clean the room up a bit but we’re making progress! Days like today just make me want to hold him already and kiss him and cuddle him. We can’t wait for him to arrive!

I messed up big last night with dinner! We got Mexican food and I usually eat tacos because they’re easy to carb count (and delicious of course) but I splurged and got a burrito last night! The burrito was amazing but my number went through the roof (above 200) and I gave a few corrections to try and bring it down. I cannot believe I did that to myself! No burritos for the remainder of this pregnancy, I promise. Foods I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t enjoy anymore are pancakes, pizza, and now burritos lol. I’m sure there’s more but I can’t seem to think right now. I actually got a call from my diabetes nurse today checking up on me. I told her about the burrito incident but I’m wondering if she looked up my numbers through my Dexcom and saw for herself and that’s why she called? Hmmm. It’s okay though. Today I started to track my meals and numbers like I did before I was pregnant. I found my old Food Diary that I ordered off Etsy over a year ago (designed for diabetics) and it’s been so helpful already today! It will really come in handy when I see the doctors next because they always try and ask me, “So on the 2nd your number was 150, what did you eat? Did you correct?” and I’m always like, uhhhh what day was that again??? So this will help tremendously with that I think!

I’m in a good mood today, despite being super bored at home. I’ve started reading a book I found that I never finished and I also got so bored that I did my makeup and hair for absolutely no reason! I’m still in my pajamas, haha. Anyways, I plan on getting my hair done this week! I actually can’t stand it right now and I need something new so I’m waiting until I get paid to make an appointment. I mean, I could actually just make an appointment now but I hate talking on the phone. Am I weird for that? I would much rather go in somewhere to talk to someone rather than speak to them on the phone in case I can’t understand them or something. Well, Jesse just got home and I’ve been craving human interaction all day so it’s time to go bug him!

15 weeks and 6 days.

I write pretty sporadically on this blog. Especially since I’ll be 16 weeks tomorrow, lol. This past week has brought me a bigger bloated belly and a couple days of dull nausea followed by pure exhaustion. It has only happened a couple of times, thankfully. I feel like work has been pretty cray lately (physically and emotionally) so I’ve been really tired by the time I’m off. I could not wait to have today off to finally relax my mind and body a bit, even though I’ve been running around doing things.

This morning I had to go and do my second trimester blood tests to prepare for the ultrasound I’ll be having in December. After that I then went and did a little grocery shopping so I could make dinner tonight (yay for tacos!), came home to eat lunch, and then visited my nana in the hospital *insert sad face emoji here*. I hate hospitals. Before I became diabetic I actually wanted to have my baby at a birthing center and try to be natural as in no epidural no nothing! I didn’t want to be hooked up to machines at all. If you’ve seen the documentary “The Business of Being Born” then you’d probably have second thoughts about hospitals, too. I’m totally not hating on women who prefer hospital births or have/prefer c-sections either. But if you haven’t seen that documentary then I think you should! It’s pretty interesting. Also, I am aware that shit happens and I really don’t think trying to plan how you’re going to give birth is the smartest idea because then if things don’t go your way you can end up being a crazy nervous wreck. That’s just my take on it, advice from someone who’s never gone through this before so I’m pretty much just talking out of my ass lol.

Anyways, back to my pregnancy and diabetes to conclude this post (I’m currently catching up on Riverdale so my attention is more focused on that at the moment, sorry bout it). I’m getting more excited about having a baby. It’s pretty scary when you’re considered high risk so I’m always a little nervous about everything. I’m hoping I’ll find out the sex on the 20th. I know a lot of women get the early ultrasound and pay extra for it but I have doctor appointments every 3 weeks! I get ultrasounds every time so I’m just going to wait until that appointment to find out. I guess that’s one cool thing about being high risk, lots and lots of ultrasounds of little one 🙂 Diabetes is not kicking my ass this week! I’ve had amazing nights of sleep with no interruptions! My blood sugar stays steady around 70-90 all night. During the day it’s also pretty good. I will have lows at work sometimes if I wait too long to take my break, so those are always important to take in my case. My snacks always include fruit (an apple or a cutie) and something else. Sometimes it’s a piece of pepper jack string cheese or a small bag (15g) of pretzels. With Halloween I had a bit too much candy but I try to keep it in moderation. I’m pretty happy with how my health has been but I know it’ll change up on me again so I just have to watch out for that. Well, I hope I’ll be able to write a bit sooner in my 16 weeks!