I Am A Bad Friend.

So this is going to be a super random post but it’s been on my mind a lot recently so I feel like writing about it will help my work through things that I’m dealing with/have dealt with. To begin, I’m going to say that this is just what I think of myself. I’ve never had anyone tell this to me personally, although I feel like they’ve probably thought it.

Growing up I had best friends but I feel like we were only best friends because we were little and probably somewhat forced to be. Of course I loved them (and still do!) but looking back, I wish I didn’t rely so much on the label “best friend” because it limited me. I was an extremely jealous child and I mean it when I say extremely. Whenever one of my best friends hung out with someone else I would be absolutely crushed. Like, I’d cry about it. I’d get so jealous and then I’d get so sad that I’d think that they chose them over me. In reality, they didn’t choose anyone over me, they just played with someone else for a little while. It’s a good thing to have multiple friends as a child and I will enforce that on my own so he doesn’t get stuck in this world of thinking you can only have one friend and they can only have one friend. Anyways, being this jealous child only seemed to make things worse for me. At school I only had one best friend and I remember a specific time when I was absent from school and somehow someone told me she hung out with a girl I didn’t like while I was out. I was livid. I remember calling her and asking her why she hung out with her and her being completely scared of me. Or at least, I would think she would have been because she’s getting in “trouble” by her own friend! God, I can’t believe I was actually that possessive over friends. I feel like it completely isolated me because when I didn’t have them, I had no one.

Fast forward to high school and I really grew out of that awful phase. I think I really grew out of it when I had to move to another city and had no friends at all and had to make them on my own and I had made quite a few acquaintances that maybe I stopped being so jealous because I had options? Not to say that friends are considered options at all but I think it just took me out of that old environment of only being around the same girl friends for my entire childhood. Now I had new friends to talk to and it really opened me up since I was a super shy kid before. In high school I had about three or four different best friends and sometimes we’d argue so I’d hang out with another one more than the other or maybe two didn’t get along all the time so I’d just be with them separately. It just depended on what was going on at different stages in our relationships throughout those four years. Towards the end I was completely alone, though. One went off and hung out with a different group of friends and I feel like completely ditched me. Two got super close and also gave out vibes of not wanting to be around me and the fourth one I actually don’t remember why we stopped talking but regardless, I remember being alone a lot my senior year of high school. I could probably write a book of what I recall happening and how my feelings were hurt by multiple best friends but that’s pointless now because we’re all so different and I can say that I am not the same person I was back then and neither are they. I actually hate who I used to be. I was kind of an asshole and I’m not proud of it. I was never really jealous that my close friends hung out with other people but I was jealous that they got more attention. They had more friends or more guys were interested in them or they were way prettier than I was. I considered myself the fat, ugly friend. Looking back I wasn’t fat but compared to them, I was definitely chubbier and not as pretty. This made me a horrible friend. I was going through my own insecurities that I don’t think I was there for them when they were down. Maybe I was and I can’t remember. I said awful things to them when I was upset sometimes and I actually can’t believe they befriended me afterwards. I said awful things because I was hurt by them and I wanted them to be just as hurt as me but that’s no excuse.

Enter the after high school years and me really having no one besides Jesse. He was the only best friend (and boyfriend) I had with me through thick and thin. We used to fight all the time but he never wanted to leave me. No matter what happened between us he stuck by our relationship. Being alone and going through what I went through in that last high school year made me like being alone. I never wanted to be close to anyone. Anytime someone wanted to hang out with me I’d hesitate. Sure I’d go out occasionally but I always just wanted to go back home and be with Jesse. I’m actually still like that to this day. I have a group of close girl friends now but when I think about it, there’s a lot they still don’t know about me or that I won’t tell them even though I know I talk a lot. I was told once that I talk about myself a lot and I noticed that it’s true. Looking deeper into it, I talk about myself because I try to relate to other people by doing that. Like, “Oh I love eating xyz food!” and maybe they’re eating xyz food or maybe I’m trying to see if they like that same food so we can talk about it. Get it? Or I’ll talk about my weekend or my day to just talk so the room isn’t silent. I know I could probably ask them what they did over the weekend to start conversation but my brain just never works that way.  I don’t know where I’m going with this now but basically, I’m terrified of having anyone labeled as my only Best Friend. I don’t want to rely on anyone for anything. I’m terrified of letting them down by being an asshole or I’m terrified of them letting me down since I tend to have high expectations. Yesterday I cried because of something a friend did to me. I’m 26 and I cried over what was probably nothing but my feelings were really hurt. This friend of mine actually has no clue that she hurt me and she never will because I’ll never bring it up. If I brought it up then that would mean we were really close, right? If I brought it up and it turned into an argument and we stopped talking then I’d really be hurt. So I choose to move on and put it in the past and act like nothing happened because she’ll never know.

There are times when I feel like I am an amazing friend. I’d do anything to make my friend happy and I’d bend over backwards for them so when they don’t do what I’d do for them I get pretty upset over it. I’ve had this happen to me multiple times, where I’d choose my friend before anything and I’d do whatever to make them happy when they’re down. Then when I’m down they’re not around or they don’t have time for me. Maybe they are shitty friends, I don’t know. Or maybe my expectations are too high. Regardless, I’d rather not have to think too much about it. I let people in but I keep them at a distance. I don’t want anyone to think of me as being their go to friend to call when they’re down. I don’t want me to be the one they invite everywhere. I’m absolutely terrified of being let down or letting them down. In my head, this is what makes me a bad friend. I’m awful with handling others’ emotions. When someone starts crying, I start crying. If they’re upset I honestly never know what to truly say to them to make them feel better. I’m not sure how I got this way because I literally went to school to become a therapist. I never got passed my AA degree because I lost interest but I probably would have been awful at it. Could you imagine me just crying with a patient and never actually helping them through any of their problems? Sheesh.

If you are my friend and you’re reading this, I love you. If you consider me your close friend, thank you for finding something in me to want to be friends with me. Thanks for probably knowing that I suck and still talking to me anyways. I know I’m terrible at keeping in touch and hanging out with everyone. It takes a lot to get me out of my house, so you’re not the only friend that this happens to. It’s not you, it’s definitely me. I’m sorry.

30 weeks and 4 days.

Well today was one of those weird lazy but somewhat busy days. I woke up around 5AM because what’s sleep? I went on my phone for a bit but then I eventually turned the TV on and watched the news. Jesse had to wake up early for work today anyways so he eventually got up and started to get ready. I think I passed out around 6 or 6:30 and then didn’t wake up again until 9. I didn’t have any plans for the day but wanted to make a trip to Trader Joe’s so I ended up taking Wilson with me around 1. Have you guys heard of that seasoning blend called Everything but the Bagel? I hear so many people rave about it online so I decided to give it a try. I also heard about some Chickenless Orange Chicken that I wanted to try but I had no luck and they didn’t have any so I got the regular Orange Chicken to try out for dinner tonight. Lately I just haven’t been in the mood to eat or cook meat so we’ll see how this regular orange chicken turns out. I also got some cauliflower pizza crust that I’m excited to try for dinner tomorrow night. I plan on just making a cheese, olive, and pepperoni pizza and hopefully that turns out alright; I wanted a pizza that was relatively low carb and I’ve been wanting to try cauliflower crust pizza for a while now.

Baby moves around a lot still. He was pretty chill earlier but I got a coffee from Starbucks (tall iced coffee unsweetened with soy milk 😉 ) and that eventually kicked in and got him to move around more haha. I was just thinking earlier how I never drank coffee but now that I’m pregnant I see myself wanting it more. Why is that? So weird. I know I’m allowed to have about a cup or so a day, but I only have it every once in a while so I think it’s okay. Plus I always get a size tall, never more than that so I assume there isn’t much coffee in there anyways. The only symptoms I’ve had this past week are more headaches. Yesterday I woke up with one and it lasted all day long, which made me super lazy and just not feel well. I took a nap around 3pm and didn’t wake up until around 5. I know I mentioned being emotional in one of my last posts, which is still true to this week as well. I’m just one big ball of sensitivity! Help! Someone hold me and tell me I’m pretty (kidding).

Diabetes wise, I feel so alone. Being sick really messed me up and set me back, but I feel like I’m getting closer to my goals of having everything under control. I know I could email my doctors but to me there’s no point in doing that because only I know my body and their suggestions haven’t really worked much in the past so I figured I’d just figure it all out on my own. I’m still dealing with some high blood sugars but they haven’t been as bad the past couple of days. I’m trying to take things slow when adjusting insulin so I don’t run into any hypo’s again since that scared the crap out of me.

Welp, my baby shower is almost here! I’m getting excited and stressed out about it. I don’t know why I stress over it but I do. I shouldn’t be since I’m not the one decorating or setting things up but I’ve still been included in the decisions. I’m getting my hair done on Thursday and I also get my dress delivered on Thursday too and I’m praying my hair turns out good and my dress looks good on me. I’m usually not a dress person and I don’t like wearing dresses when I’m pale but we’re just going to roll with it. Hopefully it fits, too! If this dress doesn’t work out then I’m back to square one with deciding on what I’m going to wear. I know, such first world problems.

Anyways, I can’t think of anything else that’s new that has happened within the past week! It’s been pretty chill. We did get a new camera because I wanted a nice camera to take pictures of little one with once he’s here. I still have an iPhone 6 which doesn’t always have the best camera quality. The camera we got is nice because it has WiFi so all the photo’s I take I can send to my phone! I love it. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day for me because I’m meeting up with a few different people throughout the day. Don’t be fooled though, I’m really not that important and because I like to consider myself quite an introvert I already know I’m going to be wiped out after and will want to come home and decompress for like, a day and half haha.

And here’s a cute picture of my dog because why not? Don’t you just want to squeeze his cute face and give him all the kisses? No? Just me? 😂

28 weeks and 5 days.

Okay so a lot has happened within the past week since I last updated. Remember when I was telling you about Jesse being sick and I thought it was food poisoning? Yeah, no. I don’t think it was food poisoning because I got the exact same thing! My Wednesday morning was going great last week. Woke up, got ready and headed to Ross, Target, and even WalMart! Once I got home, I had lunch (which was leftover curry) and then I laid down for a bit. About two hours later my Dexcom went off saying I was low. I tested myself, my number was 66 so I figured it was the perfect time for a snack. Ate my frozen blueberries with goldfish, and continued to chill on the couch. My stomach started acting up and I was getting a bit nauseous but I thought nothing of it. My Dex went off again saying I was low and I thought that was really weird so I tested again and it was at 40! I used this time to eat a bunch of snacks thinking I’d just get high from it all and I could correct afterwards. I had gummy worms, girl scout cookies, goldfish, and juice. I mean WAY too many carbs to correct but I was feeling really crappy. I decided to go upstairs and lay down because I wasn’t feeling well. Jesse took Wilson out so I was home alone. I started getting extremely nauseous and was having that stomach ache. I felt like I couldn’t breathe or talk or move or do anything. I texted Jesse telling him he should come home. When he got here I tested myself again and I was STILL 40! I drank another juice and he called 911 but they tried transferring us on the phone (???) and were taking forever so Jesse hung up and decided to just drive me to the hospital instead, during traffic hours. Oy Vey. Once we were finally there, they took my blood sugar and it was 37. What the heck was happening?! I was pretty incoherent honestly and felt like I couldn’t talk. Didn’t want to talk to anyone and just wanted everyone to be quiet around me. I ended up vomiting in the ER room, like a lot. Gross (lets just say no more girl scout cookies for me for a while).

They eventually put me into this room to monitor baby’s heart rate, which was doing excellent. They were trying to figure out what was happening to me so they also tested me for the flu, which came back negative. I ended up having to stay in the hospital for four days! The first and last night there were probably the worst. I ended up throwing up again the first night. They had me hooked up to some fluids and also the baby heart rate monitor machine. The nurse that night wouldn’t let me lay on my sides because if I moved, I could move the heart rate machine and mess it up. I was so uncomfortable all night long, especially with him having to prick my fingers every single hour to check my blood sugars. By the way, their lancets are 10x more harsh than mine so all of my fingers have pretty much been through hell and look terrible. I didn’t use my own lancets because I didn’t have enough, and lets be real….what type 1 diabetic actually puts a new lancet on after every finger poke? Not me!

Day two in the hospital I woke up feeling a lot better but eventually started getting a small fever and felt terrible. You know, when you’re really cold but your body is super warm and your head just feels like it’s burning up?? Ugh. So they decided to keep me another night. I was lucky enough to have my mom sleep in the room with me for the first two nights. You might be wondering why I would want my mom instead of Jesse with me, and honestly, who doesn’t want their mom when they’re not feeling well?? I wanted Jesse at home to take care of the animals anyways.

Day three I was feeling a lot better but was also having pain in my stomach (also occurred on day two) and I felt extremely bloated and uncomfortable and whenever I tried to eat, I’d get really full really fast. Like, two bites in and I’d be done with my food. I brought this up to a few different nurses and one of them thought it was gas and others just kinda shrugged it off. But seriously, my stomach felt HUGE. When they weighed me I weighed 166! I was like, wait that can’t be right, how could I gain 10 pounds since the last doctor visit a week ago?? The nurse tried coming up with an explanation. Yea, sure, okay. I was hopeful to get good news that I’d be going home this day until my doctor came in and told me she wanted me to stay ANOTHER NIGHT because I hadn’t gotten my night time dose of insulin the night before and because my numbers were still running kind of low, she wanted me to be watched over night and be pricked every two hours (so fun). I cried. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. The bed was so uncomfortable and I had two IV’s in me and my arms hurt like hell. I was smelly, felt gross, my stomach hurt so bad I couldn’t lay on my sides anymore and they were telling me to eat more but I just couldn’t do it. Luckily during the night a nurse took me off of the fluids. I loved being free to walk to the bathroom without being connected to anything. This night was probably the second worst though because of how uncomfortable I was sleeping. I was hot, but cold, my stomach was huge. I felt gross. I just wanted to go home. I slept alone this night. Woke up around 2AM and couldn’t sleep. Eventually went to sleep but then woke up again around 5 or 6 and just laid there because a nurse came in dragging a scale into the room. Why she would drag this heavy clanky thing into my room at this hour I have no idea, but it pissed me off because it woke me up and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I didn’t want anyone with me that night because I knew how uncomfortable the couch was and I felt bad when my mom had to sleep on it. But I wished someone was with me because it sucked being alone feeling like crap. It was a shitty time.

Day four I was even more hopeful of going home. I mean, this had to be the day right? How much longer did they need me there? Every day that I was there, they did lab work and drew blood in the mornings. My parents came to visit me in the morning and my doctor eventually called me on the phone and said she had good news and bad news. The good news was that my blood sugars were doing a lot better, enough for them to figure out how much to start giving me and figured out a ratio for me to work with when I have my meals. The bad news was that my red blood cell count had lowered a lot since being there. They wanted to run some tests and figure out what was going on but couldn’t draw my blood again until 6pm that night and the results would take about an hour. Since I wasn’t bleeding out from anywhere, she was worried it could be internally. Talk about scary as sh*t. Yeah, I cried. Again. I was scared blood was just accumulating inside me and thats what was causing my bloated stomach or that I was hurting my baby somehow.  But I couldn’t do anything about it and had to wait until 6pm to have my blood drawn. So another day spent at the hospital. At least this time I was able to walk around and they told me it would be good for me. They had a little outdoor patio that when Jesse came to visit me, we walked and hung out outside so I could get fresh air. I had him bring me clothes to shower and change and just feel better. I felt a lot better this day despite the bad news. I was trying to stay positive. My body was so swollen from laying down for so long. When I walked I felt like I was a giant whale going down the hallway. I waddled. Literally waddled down the hall. My feet, ankles, thighs, everything was swollen. Once we were done spending time outside I went back into my room to visit with my brother. I started feeling weird again, possibly standing too much. I pee’d like a madman that day since all of the fluids were finally coming out of me. My stomach started to feel much better, too. Turns out, my stomach was so bloated from all of those fluids! At least that’s what I think because I was starting to feel much more comfortable. Anyways, 6pm rolls around and no one shows up from the lab to draw my blood. They showed up an hour late, but I was so excited to get my blood drawn I couldn’t be that upset.

An hour later and a doctor came into the room, smiling, and told us that all the nurses had been saying how bad I wanted to go home (did I make it that obvious?) and so she wanted to be the one to give me the good news. Good. News. My red blood count had risen enough for me to go home and her thought was that the fluids I was on is what dropped it in the first place. My aunt who worked in the medical field had told my mom this earlier in the day so I was hoping that this is what could be happening to me. Thank you Jesus! They prescribed me some Iron and sent me on my way home, at 9pm! You have no idea how happy I was to finally be going home. Look, I know I wasn’t dying or anything but this whole experience was shitty especially being pregnant. I was so scared, and exhausted too.

Sunday went well, with me getting tired really quickly but it was OK. Once the night came though, I suddenly got extremely nauseated and had a stomach ache again. I for sure thought I’d be going back to the hospital and yeah, I cried again. What the hell was wrong with me?? I never threw up but I spent a good amount of time in the bathroom just sitting there trying to throw up. Eventually I went to bed but kept a bag next to me just in case. On Monday I had a doctors appointment and I was lucky that Jesse offered to take me just in case something happened or I didn’t feel good while driving. During my visit we just went over diabetes related stuff and I told them about my nausea and being tired. They prescribed me anti nausea meds and also took me off of the Iron pills because the rest of my labs came back normal so there was no need to be on Iron. I went home, tried to eat lunch, took a nap and just lounged around honestly. I stayed in bed until about 5pm. By the way, if you’re still reading this far into my post, baby was doing great the entire time and seemed to be unaffected by all of what was going on with me. Tuesday I felt the same where I’d get bursts of energy, do something, and then be exhausted afterwards and be a bit queasy too with having a little appetite. I only took the nausea meds the day I was given them. Luckily I just pushed through yesterday and then today I haven’t felt nauseated at all or tired! I feel like myself today and it feels amazing. The weather has been great and it’s so nice to sit outside and just relax and just be grateful that me and baby are OK. This situation could have been worse. I really hope I don’t have to lay in that hospital bed until I’m ready to give birth. Being pregnant and sick is absolutely terrible. Throw in diabetes, or any other disease or illness and it’s even worse.

If you’ve read this far, congrats! I didn’t know I’d be writing such a long post. I have my 3rd trimester ultrasound tomorrow and I am SO excited to see my little one! Oh yeah, and if your curious about the weight thing, I dropped down to 158 at my last appointment on Monday. Which seems to be a good weight to be at right about now. I knew there was no way I could weigh 166 right now. Thats just crazy! Well, I’m feeling better, no more bloat or swollen feet, my health seems to be doing good, and I’m happy. I’ll post an update next week and hopefully it won’t be a crazy one like this one!

Type 1 Diabetes.

I wanted to make a post dedicated to type one diabetes. I feel like every time I tell someone I’m diabetic, they don’t quite understand it. No worries though, because before I got diabetes (about two years ago) I also had no idea what it really was. I only saw those commercials on TV and I had only known about one girl (an old friends little sister) who had diabetes but I didn’t know the difference between her diabetes and the kind they show in commercials with the old people.

Let’s start with the basics.

Type 1 diabetes (T1D) is an autoimmune disease that occurs when a person’s pancreas stops producing insulin, the hormone that controls blood-sugar levels. T1D develops when the insulin-producing pancreatic beta cells are mistakenly destroyed by the body’s immune system. The cause of this attack is still being researched, however scientists believe the cause may have genetic and environmental components. There is nothing anyone can do to prevent T1D. Presently, there is no known cure (definition provided by jdrf.org).

Type 2 diabetes, your body does not use insulin properly. This is called insulin resistance. At first, the pancreas makes extra insulin to make up for it. But, over time your pancreas isn’t able to keep up and can’t make enough insulin to keep your blood glucose levels normal. Type 2 is treated with lifestyle changes, oral medications (pills), and insulin (definition provided by diabetes.org).

So those are the differences between type one and type two. Gestational diabetes occurs during pregnancy but goes away after you’ve given birth but you are at a higher risk for getting type two diabetes. So, NO, I did not cause my diabetes. It just…happened. Unfortunately.

Symptoms of diabetes include excessive thirst, fatigue, hunger, sweating, nausea or vomiting, excessive urination, blurred vision, headache, sleepiness, weight loss, and fast heart rate. Before I was diagnosed I dealt with the excessive thirst, hunger, nausea, excessive urination, leg cramps, and weight loss. I had no idea what was going on until I google’d my symptoms and freaked out at what I was reading so I made a doctors appointment to get everything checked out. Of course they thought nothing was wrong with me until they did blood work. If you ever start to experience weird things happening to you, go to the doctor! It’s so so so important. If I hadn’t gone to the doctor I could have really done some damage to myself. There was a night I drank two sodas (excessive thirst) and ate a TON of carb filled Mexican food. Right after dinner, I didn’t feel well so I went and laid down and immediately went to sleep. Imagine if I never woke up due to high blood sugar? It’s a scary thought. I can only imagine what my blood sugar was that night.

Now I want to go over why it’s so important for me to stay on top of my diabetes during pregnancy. Sometimes I feel as if I can’t enjoy my pregnancy as much as a “normal” woman because I spend a lot of time stressing out over my blood sugars and worrying if I’m hurting my baby or not.

Some of the possible risks to the mother and baby if blood glucose levels are too high during pregnancy are:

Risks for the baby
Premature delivery
Miscarriage
Birth defects (not usually a risk for women with gestational diabetes)
Macrosomia (having a large baby)
Low blood glucose at birth (hypoglycemia)
Prolonged jaundice (yellowing of the skin)
Respiratory distress syndrome (difficulty breathing)

Risks for the mother:

Worsening of diabetic eye problems
Worsening of diabetic kidney problems
Infections of the urinary bladder and vaginal area
Preeclampsia (high blood pressure usually with protein in the urine)
Difficult delivery or cesarean section

(info provided by diabetes.org)

So in order for me to avoid these issues, I have to have an A1C under 6 (from what my doctor told me). Some doctors allow their patients to begin trying if they’re A1C is in the low 6’s. Basically an A1C is a number that tells doctors what your average blood sugar is. Before I got pregnant, I was able to get my A1C down to 5.1. It was really tough, but worth it. As my pregnancy progresses, I will need more insulin because my body will be more resistant. I’ve already increased my doses for meals and I will have to increase more as time goes on. It might sound easy to some but it’s hard work! And frustrating. I might have calculated everything perfectly but still end up with a blood sugar of 130 an hour or two after dinner when I expected it to be lower. Anyways, I just felt like doing this post so maybe whoever reading this can learn something new! I’ve learned so much in the past two years of being diabetic but I feel like I’m still learning each day about this disease, especially with this pregnancy. And remember, if you’re ever experiencing weird stuff happening to you or your body, don’t be afraid to seek help! 🙂

24 weeks and 3 days.

Okay guys I am officially BORED out of my mind being at home. Three more months of this?! What the heck am I going to do? Holy guacamole. Today is a rainy day so I did not want to leave my house and drive with all the crazies. I swear people in California don’t know how to drive as soon as water touches the ground. I am currently listening to my Ashanti Pandora radio station and typing this (duh). I was playing with my dog a little bit ago but I can only throw a toy around for so long before I get bored of doing it. I feel bad, maybe I’ll make Jesse go for a rain walk later on when he gets home so Wilson can get out of the house. I’m sure Jesse would love that idea as I am usually the one who would say no to that because I hate the cold lol. The things I do when I’m bored and stuck at home.

I’m starting to pop for sure. I feel huge today. My back pain is actually a lot better this week than last. I have only experienced the sciatica pain but no lower back pain, thank goodness! That hurt the most for sure. We finally put the baby’s crib together last night! It’s so cute, I can’t wait until the dresser comes tomorrow. We still need to clean the room up a bit but we’re making progress! Days like today just make me want to hold him already and kiss him and cuddle him. We can’t wait for him to arrive!

I messed up big last night with dinner! We got Mexican food and I usually eat tacos because they’re easy to carb count (and delicious of course) but I splurged and got a burrito last night! The burrito was amazing but my number went through the roof (above 200) and I gave a few corrections to try and bring it down. I cannot believe I did that to myself! No burritos for the remainder of this pregnancy, I promise. Foods I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t enjoy anymore are pancakes, pizza, and now burritos lol. I’m sure there’s more but I can’t seem to think right now. I actually got a call from my diabetes nurse today checking up on me. I told her about the burrito incident but I’m wondering if she looked up my numbers through my Dexcom and saw for herself and that’s why she called? Hmmm. It’s okay though. Today I started to track my meals and numbers like I did before I was pregnant. I found my old Food Diary that I ordered off Etsy over a year ago (designed for diabetics) and it’s been so helpful already today! It will really come in handy when I see the doctors next because they always try and ask me, “So on the 2nd your number was 150, what did you eat? Did you correct?” and I’m always like, uhhhh what day was that again??? So this will help tremendously with that I think!

I’m in a good mood today, despite being super bored at home. I’ve started reading a book I found that I never finished and I also got so bored that I did my makeup and hair for absolutely no reason! I’m still in my pajamas, haha. Anyways, I plan on getting my hair done this week! I actually can’t stand it right now and I need something new so I’m waiting until I get paid to make an appointment. I mean, I could actually just make an appointment now but I hate talking on the phone. Am I weird for that? I would much rather go in somewhere to talk to someone rather than speak to them on the phone in case I can’t understand them or something. Well, Jesse just got home and I’ve been craving human interaction all day so it’s time to go bug him!

15 weeks and 6 days.

I write pretty sporadically on this blog. Especially since I’ll be 16 weeks tomorrow, lol. This past week has brought me a bigger bloated belly and a couple days of dull nausea followed by pure exhaustion. It has only happened a couple of times, thankfully. I feel like work has been pretty cray lately (physically and emotionally) so I’ve been really tired by the time I’m off. I could not wait to have today off to finally relax my mind and body a bit, even though I’ve been running around doing things.

This morning I had to go and do my second trimester blood tests to prepare for the ultrasound I’ll be having in December. After that I then went and did a little grocery shopping so I could make dinner tonight (yay for tacos!), came home to eat lunch, and then visited my nana in the hospital *insert sad face emoji here*. I hate hospitals. Before I became diabetic I actually wanted to have my baby at a birthing center and try to be natural as in no epidural no nothing! I didn’t want to be hooked up to machines at all. If you’ve seen the documentary “The Business of Being Born” then you’d probably have second thoughts about hospitals, too. I’m totally not hating on women who prefer hospital births or have/prefer c-sections either. But if you haven’t seen that documentary then I think you should! It’s pretty interesting. Also, I am aware that shit happens and I really don’t think trying to plan how you’re going to give birth is the smartest idea because then if things don’t go your way you can end up being a crazy nervous wreck. That’s just my take on it, advice from someone who’s never gone through this before so I’m pretty much just talking out of my ass lol.

Anyways, back to my pregnancy and diabetes to conclude this post (I’m currently catching up on Riverdale so my attention is more focused on that at the moment, sorry bout it). I’m getting more excited about having a baby. It’s pretty scary when you’re considered high risk so I’m always a little nervous about everything. I’m hoping I’ll find out the sex on the 20th. I know a lot of women get the early ultrasound and pay extra for it but I have doctor appointments every 3 weeks! I get ultrasounds every time so I’m just going to wait until that appointment to find out. I guess that’s one cool thing about being high risk, lots and lots of ultrasounds of little one 🙂 Diabetes is not kicking my ass this week! I’ve had amazing nights of sleep with no interruptions! My blood sugar stays steady around 70-90 all night. During the day it’s also pretty good. I will have lows at work sometimes if I wait too long to take my break, so those are always important to take in my case. My snacks always include fruit (an apple or a cutie) and something else. Sometimes it’s a piece of pepper jack string cheese or a small bag (15g) of pretzels. With Halloween I had a bit too much candy but I try to keep it in moderation. I’m pretty happy with how my health has been but I know it’ll change up on me again so I just have to watch out for that. Well, I hope I’ll be able to write a bit sooner in my 16 weeks!

 

 

Family.

I was able to spend time with some family today that I don’t get to see often. Unfortunately we were brought together due to a death in the family. My uncle passed away last night. To be honest, I didn’t see him very often but of course I loved him. I always remember him being a quiet but very sweet man. I saw him a few weeks ago and he couldn’t talk but when he saw me he got this big smile on his face and put his arm out to hug me. I can’t help but feel so sad for my aunt during this time. I’m so glad he’s not suffering anymore, but I know this will be so hard for her. To be with someone since you were 17 years old and having them as your best friend and partner in life and then losing them seems…..more awful than I can even put into words. I’ve been with my boyfriend since I was 17 and I just couldn’t imagine the heartache that would bring me if I were to lose him. My best friend. I love my aunt so much. She’s one of the best people I have in my life. The most supportive and understanding person. You could tell her anything about yourself and she would never judge you. And not to mention she gives the best back scratches.

Being around my cousins today just made my day honestly. It sucks that we were brought together today because of something sad, but I also think it’s special because even if we don’t see each other at all, we’re able to come together as a family and be there for each other. I love all of my cousins. Playing with the little ones was so fun, and tiring. Maybe because i’m pregnant and tired, but most likely because i’m lazy lol. I loved seeing my second cousins who are the oldest. They are gooorgeouss and so smart and ugh, I wish I had spent more time with them. That’s the shitty part about living kinda far. I mean, it’s really only a couple of hours but when you’re a teenager you don’t always think about seeing your family who lives far from you. Now that i’m older I wish things were different.

My family is kind of a big ball of…a somewhat mess. I won’t go into full detail but things aren’t always easy for everyone. I’m sure every family has their drama and issues but stubbornness definitely runs deep into my family. Once you piss someone off, you could be cut off for life. Personally, I’m not that way. At least I try not to be, but if someone wants to cut me out, I’m not one to chase after them either. If you hurt me bad enough and aren’t willing to communicate to resolve the problem then I’ll stay gone. Is that bad? I don’t know, but that’s just how I deal with that kind of situation.

Anyways, I am 10 weeks and 2 days today. The only symptoms so far are gas (TMI, sorry, but everything seems to make me fart. lol), and the nausea is coming back but only at certain times so it’s not an all day thing like it was before. I can’t really think of anything else at the moment. I have another doctor appointment on Wednesday so I can’t wait to see my little one bigger and hopefully measuring perfectly.

I’ll update when I can!

 

Vegan Chili.

I thought I’d post a recipe since I actually cooked today! Before being pregnant, I cooked almost every single night. Cooking is like my go-to therapy and I just love creating yummy dishes or recreating recipes I find on good old Pinterest.

Anyways, the idea of Chili came from my boyfriend eating a hotdog with chili for dinner the other night and I tried a bite of the Chili and was like, hmmmmmm ok ok I can dig this! Usually I’m not a big Chili fan so I don’t make it often.

THE RECIPE (that I made up on my own because Pinterest failed me and nothing looked good to me on there)

  • 1 package of Boca’s Beefless Crumbles (or use 1 pound of Ground beef, or omit this entire ingredient)
  • 1/2 an Onion, white or yellow, chopped
  • 1/2 Green Bell Pepper, choppped
  • 1/2 Red Bell Pepper, chopped
  • 3 Garlic Cloves, minced
  • 2 tbsp Chili Powder
  • 1 tbsp Cumin
  • 1 tsp Oregano
  • 1/4 tsp Cayenne Pepper (or more if you like heat)
  • Salt
  • 1 4oz can diced Green Chili’s
  • 1 can Diced Tomatoes
  • 1 can Kidney Beans
  • 1 can Black Beans
  • 3/4 cup Frozen (or canned) Corn
  • 1 tbsp Tomato Paste
  • 2 cups of Water
  1. Heat some olive oil in a large pot on medium high heat, add your beefless crumbles or ground beef. Cook completely. If using the ground beef, make sure to drain. Place meat aside for later.
  2. Add more olive oil into your now empty pot and add your garlic and veggies. Sprinkle some salt and sauté until softened. Once softened, add your meat back into the pot. Add your spices + a bit more salt and stir to incorporate. Add your canned goods, corn, tomato paste, and 2 cups of Water.
  3. Bring to a boil then simmer for 40-60 minutes. Taste, add more salt if needed. Serve and Enjoy 🙂

I hope someone tries this recipe out because I personally thought it was packed with flavor and everything went so well together. If you don’t have any beefless meat or real meat on hand feel free to leave out that ingredient/step completely. I almost didn’t even use it but since it’s been in my freezer I decided to just use it up.

Use what you have on hand! If you don’t have black beans, use pinto! If you only have one bell pepper, just use that one. If you’re lucky enough to have a jalapeño on hand, mince that up really good and throw that in there as well! I served my chili with saltine crackers to be a bit more low in carb but obviously if you have the time to make corn bread, that would make this 10x better!

Insulin.

Ugh, the thing that keeps me alive but also makes my life really hard these days! I’m talking about insulin adjustments during my pregnancy. I have recently been having the worst nights sleeping lately because my Dexcom will go off multiple times alerting me that I am having a low blood sugar. Most of the time I don’t feel symptoms so I ignore it. I also doing something really terrible, I will put in a fake glucose reading just to keep it from going off. I know I know, thats really bad. Please don’t tell my doctor, lol. I will however wake up once I get symptoms: sweating, hunger, my brain feeling all weird and fuzzy. I keep snacks in my nightstand to help. Lots of little candies!

I started lowering my bed time insulin dose last week I believe. I started out with 11 units of Lantus pre pregnancy and now, tonight, I am taking 8 units before bed. After the past few days of still continuing to have lows, I decided to lower it another unit. I am not sure what took me so long? I feel like I should have lowered it another unit like, yesterday. Oh well. Let’s see how tonight goes.

Once I wake up from my phone going off a million times, I’ll lay in bed awake for about an hour until I can fall asleep again. And then I have to pee. And then I actually get that low my phone was telling me about so I have to force myself to eat a candy even though I’m too tired to actually chew (weird, I know). And then I have to pee again. Listen, I’m using this blog to track everything I am going through. Although I am extremely blessed I even get to experience pregnancy, I am also extremely tired of having diabetes. It sucks especially when I want to just eat 5 chocolate chip cookies as a snack. Or eat an entire pint of Talenti’s Vanilla and Caramel Swirl ice cream. Ugh, diabetes probs.

Also, update on the nausea and food aversions. They’re still here. Torturing me. The meds help with the nausea a bit but they don’t take the food aversions away. I can honestly only eat what I crave and I only crave things that I see other people eat or that I hear someone mention. Example: earlier today my mom mentioned sushi so I of course, HAD to have Japanese for lunch. Beef Teriyaki for the win!

I’m going to try to post once a week so I’ll get back to you once I’m 9 weeks!

7 Weeks and 6 Days.

Almost 8 weeks. 8. Freakin. Weeks.

It’s been tough, not gunna lie guys. This nausea is kicking my ass. I almost wish I could throw up to just get rid of it. Today I actually woke up quite fine and I had peppermint tea with my breakfast and didn’t have much nausea until after lunch. It has been downhill from there. I emailed my doctor yesterday and she got back to me today and told me she would prescribe me some meds to help so I’ll have to pick them up next week since work gets in the way of the times I’m available and the pharmacy is open :/ bummer. I want them asap.

Other symptoms are sense of smell. I can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned this before but I didn’t think I had a heightened sense of smell until I noticed my dogs breath suddenly smells like he ate a fresh pile of sh!t. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks his breath smells that bad and he told me it was just me *shrugs*. Also, doing the dishes is really hard for me to do if there’s any sort of smell. I’ve been trying to avoid cleaning them but so has my boyfriend so I end up getting stuck doing them anyways lol. My plan clearly doesn’t work.

Food. I have no real appetite unless I smell something really good that I have to have. I still eat of course. My dinners have been extremely carb heavy because it’s all I ever feel like eating. Mexican food, pasta, rice, etc. But I still manage to keep my numbers in check! So that’s good. I’ve recently had tests done and my A1C dropped even lower to 4.8! I really want to feel better so I can get back to cooking and eating better. Veggies just never sound good anymore. I’ve actually been loving fruit. I bought raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, wAtermelon, plums, and nectarines over the weekend! The berries are my fave. I make sure to eat them at certain times and obviously limit my portion to control my blood sugars.

Work seems to be kicking my butt. I’m usually exhausted after work and during work I feel like complete crap because of the nausea. I feel bad for anyone who asks how I’m doing because the answer is always the same. I also feel bad like I’m not doing the best that I can because of lack of energy and just feeling sick. I hate to complain all the time, I know a lot of other women have it 10x worse. But for me this is my struggle right now.

Anyways, I can only hope this icky stuff disappears soon! I’m looking forward to being happy and enjoying this pregnancy before I can’t see my feet anymore.

Liz