I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve written on here! And honestly, I’ve kind of forgotten about it. The past few weeks have been pretty hectic will all things holiday and Levi getting a cast! Let’s talk about that first to get it out of the way. My poor baby got a cast on and had it on for 12 days. I wish I knew what he did to hurt himself, but I don’t. We were sitting playing and I got up and walked away and he started to cry on his hands and knees and I didn’t even know he hurt his foot until a half hour later it seems like. He wasn’t walking on his foot and cried any time we touched his ankle. So we brought him in and they did x-rays on him and nothing showed up. Because it wasn’t broken, they thought it was a toddler fracture so they then put him in a cast. After taking the cast off he still wasn’t walking. It seemed a little hurt still because he would whine when we put a shoe onto that foot. They gave us a walking boot but to be honest, that thing sucks and I don’t see the point when he isn’t walking anyways so it ends up being dragged all over the floor and it’s super bulky. The doctor wanted us to come back in to possibly do another x-ray but it was the day before xmas eve and I just didn’t feel like going by myself because he seriously goes crazy whenever he see’s a doctor and it’s super stressful for me. Call me a bad mom, I don’t care! So we were going to wait until after Christmas and on Saturday he actually walked for the first time while holding my hand! He had been couch surfing and pulling himself up and walking along things, but never walking without doing that! So since then we’ve been making sure we go outside (where he’s most motivated to walk) and walk him up and down the sidewalk. We took him to the zoo on Sunday and he walked there, too. He’s a little wobbly but I figure it’s because he hasn’t walked on his feet in like, 3 weeks. They’re probably a little weak or sore. Anyways, I’m still super sad about it because I really miss my baby being able to run and play and I’m constantly doubting myself if I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I might get shit for not going to the doctor for every little thing but you know when you can just tell if you really need to go or not? We’ll see how the rest of the week goes, I actually might call the advice nurse to see what they say about it. I’m just glad he’s walking while holding our hands…I think it’s a step in the right direction for his healing!

He’s still picking up words like nobody’s business lately. Even a bad one. Whoops. But luckily he doesn’t go around saying that word! He’s only repeated it a few times (lol). He’s also been a little rough with me lately and when he gets ready to go to bed he thinks hitting me or biting me is funny. So not funny! And it hurts like hell, so we’re trying to stop that behavior. It’s hard when he thinks it’s hilarious. I have to make sure I don’t laugh, too, or he’ll really keep doing it! We’ve finally got his room set up to where he *could* possibly sleep in there but I feel stuck. I honestly don’t think he’ll sleep in his room until he’s a little older, which sucks. DON’T EVER CO-SLEEP! Just don’t. Unless you’re that kind of parent who really wants to, or you don’t have space to have their own bed. But man, I miss my bed! He’s a total mama’s boy and ONLY wants to cuddle with me during the night. He wakes up and will cry if my back is facing him. He likes being right up under my armpit with my arm wrapped around him *starts crying*. Okay, okay…it’s super cute and I love cuddling with him. But I still wish I had my bed back to myself, haha.

Did everyone have a good holiday last week? I had to work both Christmas Eve and Christmas, which was a bummer but I got through it. I actually left work early on Christmas because I wasn’t feeling the best but it’s okay because when I got home I GOT PROPOSED TO! I guess I’m announcing it on here first before my other social media accounts. So if you read this, now you know! I can’t wear my ring though because it needs to be resized so I’m impatiently waiting for the jeweler to open on the 3rd so I can get shit done! My dad ended up picking me up from work on Christmas so as soon as I walked into the door, Jesse was on one knee and the rest is history! It’s actually so insane how many emotions one can have when something like that happens. Something I never thought would happen, and something I was completely fine with not happening (refer back to a post about marriage). I still do not think it’s necessary in a relationship to get married and I don’t think it defines the love someone has for another. But I’m really happy I have a fiancé now and it makes me happy…a happy I didn’t think I could really have? It’s weird. I cried a lot after it happened.

Anyways, the holidays were nice and I’ve gotten to spend a lot of time with Jesse and Levi. I’m obsessed with my little family and I love being around them. Looking at Levi yesterday at the zoo being so happy just made me want to cry. It was so fun and I’m really glad we went out and did that. Sometimes chores and things get in the way that we don’t spend as much time doing fun things like that together, and I want to change that. 2020 should definitely be spent doing more adventures!

As for me, I’ve fallen off the workout wagon for the past two months but I got a 20lb bar bell for Christmas and I worked out twice with it already and they were really good workouts! It for sure motivated me a lot. Diabetes wise, I haven’t been doing the greatest. I was, and then I wasn’t. Lately I feel burnt out and that no matter how much insulin I give myself, I still go high. I spent the last 3-4 days being “high” all day! It gets so frustrating that I don’t even want to try to be good. I stop caring about it and I know that’s not the right attitude to have but it’s exhausting. Diabetes can be so tremendously tiring on the mind and body and it’s hard to not give up completely and push yourself to do better and take care of yourself. So currently, that’s what I’m working on. I’m also 80% sure I want to get on the pump. I finally visited my Endo’s nurse and she talked to me about it and really educated me on using a pump and I think…why not?? It might be so useful and I might love it. I’ve been really over having to inject insulin every single time I want to eat or correct my blood sugars. I never minded before, but lately it’s been so annoying to me. I think I need a change.

I hope everyone rings in the new year with good vibes! Be safe!

 

p.s. omg can you believe Levi will be 2 in four months? brb crying…

Another month, another update!! He’s become quite a chatterbox lately, it’s amazing how fast he picks up on words these days. He’s finally starting to say his “m’s” a lot more!! Not quite saying mama but I’ll catch him saying the “m” sound to himself so that’s fine with me!! He’s gotten a lot more pickier with food so that’s really frustrating for me. He used to be a pretty good eater and now he’s changing and doesn’t have as big as an appetite as before! I’m trying to not get so frustrated and just go with the flow. But I can’t help that when he eats a lot, it makes me happy! He had a good checkup a week or so ago and he is 29 pounds and the doctor said he’s still big but not as big as before according to all the measurements! Looking back at old photos cracks me up because he was for sure a chunk a monk!! He’s getting his molars in too which is exciting! I’ve been waiting for these little teethies to come in. I can tell he doesn’t always feel 100% because he’s been fussier than normal lately. Again, I try to take deep breaths during the meltdowns. He throws things when he’s upset but I guess that’s normal also. I wasn’t sure if I had some sort of baby with anger issues already, haha. His love for trains, planes, and automobiles runs deep. He goes around saying “big truck” all day and playing with his hot wheels is his favorite thing to do. I keep having to tell Jesse to stop buying them all the time because we have so many already! I think he buys them because it brings him a lot of joy too, lol. Boys.

I went back to work and it’s going really well. I like being busy a couple of days a week, having somewhat my own identity. It’s for sure tiring at the end of each day but it feels nice. I think it’s good for my mental health and if I’m doing better than that just makes me a better mom!

This is a short update. I don’t have much to touch on. Thanksgiving is only a couple days away and I’m finally spending it with family from my moms side of the family. It’s been years since we’ve been together so I’m looking forward to it!

Another month, another update! He’s doing pretty much the same except has added a couple of more words to his vocabulary! I don’t think he was saying this last month but if I already said it then…oops. Well, he says “thank you” and it’s SO cute you guys! Jesse has heard him say “grandpa” but I haven’t heard it yet so who knows haha. Levi is the funniest little person ever. He makes me laugh all the time and he is seriously my little best friend! He still has only 8 teeth so we’re waiting for his molars to pop through. His favorite snacks are bananas, fig bars, cheddar bunnies, and applesauce. We went through a phase a long time ago where he ate a ton of graham crackers and Ritz crackers as snacks. We stopped buying them because he kept feeding them to Wilson, and would also walk away when offered to him. He’s been such a great eater still! I mean, he tries most things but doesn’t always like it but he usually eats whatever I make for dinner (for the most part). Last week I made a brand new meal almost every day and he only liked one dinner! That was a bummer.

We’ve been going to the park a lot lately and the germs finally caught onto us and got us sick. He started showing symptoms Sunday afternoon and luckily he only had one fever one night and it’s just been a runny nose since, but it still sucks! He passed it along to me and I think the other night and yesterday were my worst days for sure. I’m so thankful to not have a sore throat, those are seriously the worst!

One thing I’ve been so paranoid about lately is him getting diabetes since I have it. I’ve always been terrified of my child getting it since their chances of getting it goes up if they have a relative with it. I think I read it’s more likely if the father has it? Not completely sure. He has his 18 month checkup next week so we’ll be able to talk to the doctor about it. I’d test his blood sugar at home but I don’t want to be the one to prick his little finger. I don’t have it in me. We also need to get our flu shots! I didn’t get mine last year and I was fine so I’m honestly like 50/50 on those things. I don’t know why some people have such strong opinions on them. I felt like my neighbor was totally judging me when she asked me if I had gotten it and I told her no. Whateva.

Anyways, we’re excited for Halloween to come and we already have his costume ready to go! We’ve taken him to a couple of houses that have a ton of decorations and he isn’t quite sure of it all but they’re all interesting to look at!

…

I’ll make this post extra long and add a few things I’ve been going through, or what has been going on in my life. I mean, I’m 18 months post partum right?? I can’t believe I’m saying this but I am going to go back to my old job and work part time! We’ve been struggling a little financially (which was my biggest fear when I was quitting my job before) so we thought it would be nice to have me work a couple of days a week. I’m still so fortunate to be able to stay home as much as I will be. The entire time I was out of work I couldn’t get used to being a stay at home mom. I questioned how other moms were able to do it and enjoy it. I mean, I enjoy every second of it but the money situation is what I couldn’t understand. Like, how do you buy your husband/partner gifts? With their money? If you have a joint bank account then that’s the solution I suppose, but we don’t have one. I feel like a child every other week getting an allowance to spend on my bills or misc. things. So yeah, I miss making my own money but I also love being at home. Levi is at his grandparents house right now and my heart feels empty because I just love being around him even when he exhausts me. So it’ll be hard for sure to go back to work because I told myself I’d look for a new place to work at whenever I decided to go back. Plus, this job requires weekend work and holiday work which I was excited to also not have to do anymore. But, such is life right? I think of it as doing what I gotta do to help my family! And it’s so minimal that I feel like an asshole for even slightly complaining.

Also, I’ve been on this intuitive eating journey and although I haven’t finished the book, I’ve learned a lot. Some days are harder than others for sure. I caved and stepped on the scale today because I went through my pile of jeans and tried on the pre-baby ones. At first I thought of it as a mistake like, “why would you start your day off like this??” but it had to be done. Of course none of them fit me. Even the ones that fit me right after having Levi didn’t fit me anymore. The boyfriend fit jeans weren’t boyfriend fit, they were pretty tight. So yeah, it sucked. I try to put into my head that I know I’ve gained weight since having him but that I also have way more muscle. I say it to myself to try to make myself feel better. Today that’s not really working. I know my legs have more muscle because they didn’t have any before, but they really are a lot thicker and I hate when people take pictures of me showing my lower half. If they do, I crop it out. As if I don’t want to show people…it makes having social media suck. Anyways, I weighed myself and was surprised that I hadn’t gained or lost any weight since intuitively eating. Which is a good thing, I think. I’ve been trying to really listen to my body so to know that it hasn’t let me down by gaining weight is pretty cool I guess. It’s hard to want to drop several pounds but also not make food an enemy (or a really close best friend). I just want food to be food. I stopped making cookies because I would make a batch once a week and I think I finally got sick of them. So then I moved onto dates which I think were a way healthier choice in terms of something sweet. Sure, they’re high in sugar but it’s natural sugar which is way better than sugar in processed foods. While I had my sore throat I had Jesse go get me ice cream. I hadn’t had it in a long while and it felt sooo good to eat something that soothed my throat! So I’m not beating myself up over that either. I think I’m making a lot of improvements. One thing I’ve definitely been slacking on this month are my work outs. I’ve hardly done any which is embarrassing because last month I was so active! But I’m not letting that stop me from doing it once I feel better. I’ve been in a bit of a haze lately and I can’t really focus on much. I just haven’t been in the mood to put it simply, and I’m letting that be OK, because it is. I’ll get back to it either the end of the week or next week.

Sorry for not writing more often, to anyone who actually enjoys these updates. I like doing them even if they’re boring because one day I’ll find joy in reading them again.

Wow, I feel like the last month went by pretty slowly but here we are at the 17 month mark! He has definitely become more driven in what he wants. I don’t think I’m wording that correctly, but you get my drift. He’s becoming a toddler and he wants things when he wants them, and he’s not afraid to scream about it. Sometimes I have no clue what he wants and he points at the counter tops and I just have no idea! My patience is tested often these days and sometimes it really tires me out (most times, I should say). I’m trying to learn to help him help me if that makes sense. When he’s really irritable or fussy I try to stop whatever it is that I’m doing and put my focus 100% on him. I put the phone down, get off the computer, whatever it is…I stop and I play with him. Or I read to him or just engage more with him. I feel guilty about it too because it sucks that I wasn’t already paying enough attention to him but sometimes I need a mental break and if he’s playing by himself I think that’s okay to do. But toddlers will be fine by themselves and then out of nowhere need you so quickly and it’s a bit of an adjustment for me.

Shopping trips are no longer as fun for me or him. I used to love bringing him everywhere with me because he behaved so well but now he doesn’t find the shopping cart or stores as amusing. He wants snacks and he wants out! I started bringing snacks with me a long time ago anytime I went to stores with him in case he started fussing and I used it to calm him down throughout the stores but now it’s become that he associates being out with snacks I think. As soon as I put him in the cart he whines and cries for my purse because that’s where the snacks are. So I feed him throughout the store. I’m not sure if this is any better than being the mom who whips out her phone or a video game for their kid to play with, lol. Also, whenever we shop with Jesse, he’ll let him out of the shopping cart to walk around. This also is an issue because then Levi thinks if he cries he can get out of the cart which, to me, is NOT okay. So we had a discussion about it  and Jesse will try to stop doing that since it causes issues for me when I’m out with Levi by myself. I don’t think it’s okay to let Levi do whatever he wants or get out of a situation just because he doesn’t feel like being in it (obviously I’m talking about an easy situation…like grocery shopping).  It’s like, how do you discipline a child who doesn’t know any better? It’s hard! And you don’t want to be naïve and think you shouldn’t and then as they get older they’ve never known any structure or discipline and they become some out of hand kid.

Anyways, we’re working on it. A lot of days are hard for me and I’m really tired most of the time but we’re hanging in there. I can’t wait for the weather to cool down so that we can play outside in the middle of the day since we’re either playing super early in the day or after dinner because it’s too hot for me to handle in between. An update on the neighbor that I spoke about in an earlier post, we see her and her son about once a week and Levi doesn’t really care about kids his age so they don’t do much together but it is nice to hang out with someone and get him used to being around other kids. He loves playing with older kids at the park (2-3 years old). I think he likes older kids because they play with him like an adult would…like playing chase or tag or just running around whereas a kid his age wouldn’t necessarily do that.

Oh yeah, we’re fostering three kittens right now and Levi loves them! Mostly he loves playing with their toys but same thing, haha. He really loves cats for some reason and he lights up whenever he see’s them. It’s really cute. They’re pretty gross and poopy though so I don’t think I’ll foster anytime soon after I’m done with them. I think I took on way too much with them. Before I got them I thought, “I can totally do this! I have so much time on my hands!” And then I quickly got overwhelmed and realized I was taking on an extra three lives to care for when I’m already doing everything else around here. Whew. Stressed and exhausted is an understatement for sure. Sorry for complaining about being tired but that’s all I feel these days. I’m sure many others can relate (moms or not! Life is tiring for everyone).

Well the next thing we have going on is searching for halloween costumes! We have no idea what we want Levi to be this year. I want to dress him up but then I also don’t care but we’ll see. Thinking about all of the holiday’s makes me excited for him as I personally don’t care about any of them but it’s fun to get excited for him and to create fun memories!

Marriage, and why you should never ask another person when it’s going to happen. Wanna know why? Because it’s none of your business! So of course while being pregnant and afterwards, I’ve been asked quite a bit…”So, are you guys ever going to marry?” Why does this have to be such a big deal? We’ve been together for ten years now and I’d be lying if I haven’t been sad about it not happening yet. Look, I know the question and interest is completely harmless but it used to make me extremely sad trying to answer it. How does one even answer that?

As a child you might have dreamt of one day having a wedding and then starting a family (or maybe you haven’t…I’m just speaking for myself here). Anyways, it was something I always wanted until I started to get older and realized I hated the attention on me. I definitely do not like being the center of attention and could never really see myself walking down an aisle having everyone’s eyes on me. And do a first dance? In front of everyone? HELL NO. But I still wanted to be married. I still wanted a ring. I’ve shed tears over it. Plenty of them. I’ve been extremely jealous of other couples getting engaged after only being with one another for a way shorter time than me and Jesse. Sometimes I still get a little jealous. My main thought would always be, what do they have that we don’t? What makes that man want to propose to his girlfriend that Jesse must not feel with me? Does he not love me enough, am I not good enough?? I’d think those same exact thoughts over and over and once you think it enough, you automatically think less of yourself. It made me so sad and would put me in a really down mood and I would just cry about it. A lot.

It wasn’t until fairly recently that I decided that I actually don’t think I want to get married. I’ll never have to pay money for a wedding only to be completely uncomfortable the entire time. I’ll never have to worry about divorce. To be honest that word just sounds so harsh that I never want to use it anyways. We’re doing completely fine right now and being married does NOT define a relationship. It makes you think that you’re making this commitment forever and you can only do that with a  ring on your finger but in reality it’s your choice as a couple to make that commitment regardless of a marriage or a ring, you know? How many people make that commitment but then end up cheating or getting divorced in the end? A lot! I used to also get really sad about not having my children’s same last name. That if I went to pick them  up from school and we had different last names that I would have to prove I was their mom or something. But now I actually don’t think I would want to change my last name even if we did get married! I like the way my name flows and it’s ME. I’m not being defined by someone else because of their last name. Also, if we did get married…I mean what would change in everyone elses opinion of us? Nothing! Sure, they’d refer to him as my husband or me as his wife but people already do that anyways because they just assume we’re married. So it’s really no big deal at all.

So, to answer the biggest question of the century…who knows if it’ll ever happen. If it does, cool! If it doesn’t, cool! Nothing about us will ever change. We don’t have to prove to anyone how much we love each other by getting married. He’s always told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and isn’t that what you’d want out of your relationship anyways? I think if you’re in a similar situation and you might be giving your partner the ultimatum you should think about it some more. What do you really want? If your partner doesn’t propose, that’s the end? Did you really want to be with them in the first place? Some people aren’t comfortable with the whole marriage thing and it might be something you just have to respect if you truly want to be with them. Shit, buy yourself your own damn ring, girl!

Thanks for coming to my TED talk and if you ever see yourself about to ask that golden question to a couple who’s been together for a while or they started a family together without getting married first…maybe stop yourself and don’t ask the question 🙂

 

Okay so Levi will be 16 months old in three days. The time is flying by and I’m not quite sure where it’s going. I feel like I haven’t written on here in a while so I’ll fill you all in on things that have been happening. I’ll start with Levi first. So he definitely says a few more words now! Words that family can understand as I’m sure if some random person heard him, they wouldn’t know what the hell he was saying, haha. If I take him to a store and Jesse takes him out of the shopping cart, there is no way we’re going to be able to get him back into the cart without him throwing a fit. This kid is on the freakin’ move! It took until last week for him to be able to stand up from a sitting position, though. He could only stand by crawling to someone/something near to help him stand up but we met a new baby friend who lives down the street and he just turned 1 years old and could stand up from sitting, but couldn’t walk yet. I’m thinking Levi saw him standing up and started doing it because within a week of knowing and being around this baby only twice, he started doing it. Levi is still obsessed with cars! He doesn’t care to stare out of the window much these days to watch them drive by but he always says, “ooh!” when a loud truck goes by. He does the CUTEST thing where he picks up his toy trucks and drives them along the couch or TV stand. Literally my heart melts when he does that. He also loves being outside and when we go to Jesse’s softball games he’s just off running around (with me close behind). He’s also a total fish and loves the water! Baths, pools, whatever! He’s into it. He’s still a pretty good eater and will eat almost anything we feed him. I don’t have a lot of trouble with veggies or anything but of course we kind of eat the same stuff so it’s not a ton of variety. I’m still obsessed with him (duh) and he makes me want another baby so so bad! I don’t know how I got so lucky with such a perfect baby, but I did and I’m so beyond grateful for that.

A few weeks ago (like, last month actually) we went to our community pool and met a woman and her son who’s 3 months younger than Levi. The woman had her mom there also and her mom sort of pushed us to exchange numbers because they seemed so excited to meet someone in the neighborhood with a baby who also is a stay at home mom. The inner me was CRINGING at this entire exchange. I’m all for meeting new people but I like making friends on my own terms, you know? I’m just that kind of gal. Also, the real kicker is I almost didn’t go to the pool with Jesse and Levi because I wasn’t feeling well but I forced myself to go. I walked home from the pool with such regret at the time, haha. Like, “why did I go?! I don’t want new friends!” Such an asshole, I know. So since I got her number because my hands were free at the time, I felt like I had no choice but to text her. So I did. We’ve hung out a couple of times with the first being a nice long walk and play time at her house with her and her son and Levi. Then she invited us to her sons first birthday party which was also nice but also awkward since we knew absolutely no one. I’m not even kidding you when I tell you I was SO anxious both times. I was so out of my element but I pushed myself to do something I didn’t necessarily want to do. I’m actually going to hang out with her tomorrow and I think she’s really nice and her son is a total cutie. She is a little older than I am so it’s also why I feel awkward because I feel like a child? Well not really a child but like, less experienced in life I suppose. Different interests and what not. I know it’s good for Levi to play around other kids so I just kind of have to do this for him!

If that last paragraph makes me sound like an asshole, I’m sorry. I’m just super introverted and I like ME time and after hanging out with someone once, I’m good without seeing them for a really long time. Not because I don’t like them but I just take a little (or a lot) longer to recharge my social battery I suppose. I also kind of hate knowing that someone knows I’m home….doing stay at home mom things, while they’re also at home doing stay at home mom things…and like, wanting to be with me. Does anyone else understand?? Also, I know I’m a stay at home mom but I actually like to keep busy! Before it got so hot I’d take Levi to the park quite often. Or I go to the stores during the week and bring him along, and I go to family members houses, AND I also like to just do NOTHING with him! Sometimes it’s so nice to just stay at home and talk to nobody else and just hang out at home and have fun here!

So in the midst of all of that I actually considered going back to work a couple of days. I was extremely depressed for about two weeks and I felt like maybe I needed to have “me” days and just go back to work. Unfortunately the conditions at my old job aren’t sunshine and unicorns at the moment, so I skipped out on the opportunity for now. When I thought about going to work It actually made me a little sad because I absolutely love being with Levi, even when I’m so exhausted and can’t keep up. I just love waking up next to him and making him breakfast and having fun together all day. I also feel like if I went back to work I’d really have zero days to do stuff around the house. I mean, I only get one day a week where he goes to my in-laws and I pretty much have a “me” day so if I went back to work I wouldn’t have that at all anymore. It’d still feel like I’m working 40 hours a week! Honestly I don’t know how I did that with a newborn, holy shit. If there’s any time to stay at home with your child I wish I could have done it when he was younger. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we’re still extremely fortunate and I don’t take this for granted at all but I’m still pretty jealous of my friends who got to stay home with their new born baby and not have to go back to work after maternity leave. Sometimes I wonder if he wouldn’t have been delayed with a few things that I stressed over because I felt like I wasn’t around enough. Or maybe he’d be sleep trained because I would have had more patience. There’s a lot of things, actually. But here we are, becoming a stay at home mom when he turned 1 years old! He still kicks me in the face and wakes me up by talking to himself in the bed or trying to crawl off of it (fun!). Not sure when we’ll transition him to his room but I don’t see it happening anytime soon and I don’t want to talk about it haha.

Anyways, life’s been pretty chill over here. We just got back from Lake Tahoe because we had to help my parents with some stuff at the cabin. Levi loved it up there! It makes me happy because he’s experiencing the fun of the cabin like I did when I was his age. With the same couches and everything! It’s pretty wild to think about how many generations have been going up there and all the memories that are made. It’s a really special place and I never want to leave when I’m there. I’m almost always close to tears when we’re driving down the mountain to go back home and get back to reality. Jesse has a really easy job and I’m lucky that he gets to be home more than someone who works a 9-5 but even when he is home he still takes calls and enters people’s orders so sometimes I still feel alone. I really enjoy being able to spend time with him when he isn’t focused on work all the time or leaving to go take a work call (he’s in sales). We were able to do a little date night and go to dinner one night and I had so much fun with him! We ate really good food and then we rode Lime Scooters! He’s been wanting to ride them for sooo long and I’m such a chicken that I never had the balls to do it. If something requires me to be off of the ground and not in control of my own movement (besides driving a car) then I’m not interested most of the time lol. But I did it! And it was so fun! Afterwards we went to the casino and I put it into the universe that I would win money and I DID. It worked, ya’ll. I won 80 buckaroos and I was stoked about it. I’ve already spent it all but you know what, I worked for it! Haha, but really…I already bought workout leggings and two shirts that I am so excited to get!

Alrighty everyone, I am tired. It’s 9pm and last night I stayed up until 1:30 AM. I gotta mentally prepare myself to hangout with another adult human being in the morning so I will hopefully write more soon. There’s a topic I’ve been thinking about lately that I kind of want to write about. I know my blog doesn’t get a lot of traction, probably because I don’t advertise it or put it out there, but I do enjoy writing out my thoughts for others to see. Maybe I’ll speak to someone else’s soul…..I don’t know! Life’s nuts, amirite?

 

Sorry, did that title excite you? I’m definitely not pregnant, haha. But I thought I’d share what I would like my future to sort of look like! As of late I have set my high alert on my Dexcom to 160 instead of 180 to kind of keep me more in check and have tighter control of my blood sugars. Half of me is doing this just to be more healthy and conscious of my blood sugars, and the other half is doing this so that when I decide to have another baby I’ll be in somewhat more control than if I were to always have blood sugars close to 180 and above. Trying to have a healthy pregnancy with diabetes is extremely hard work and anyone who’s put in the work knows it. There’s plenty of women who don’t do the work and they have side effects from it. It can really harm the fetus and I never want to take that chance when pregnant! I remember always being terrified of harming my unborn baby anytime I had a high or low blood sugar.

Okay, so I got that out of the way. A few months after Levi was born, Jesse and I both wanted to talk about having another baby by the time Levi turned one. Well, he’s 15 months old and we definitely aren’t pregnant and don’t plan on trying anytime soon. We did discuss talking about it again around the end of the year so we’ll see how that goes. I think I really want to wait a little until after Levi is 2 to talk about it to be honest. I would really love having a potty trained toddler by the time the second one is born. I don’t want to have to change two diapers! We also talk about moving a lot lately and it would be nice to have a bigger house. Right now we live in less than 1,000 sq ft house and things can be pretty tight here but we make it work. But with a dog, a cat, and a toddler, I just can’t see us adding another little human into all of it because we don’t have a small dog and he isn’t really Levi’s biggest fan. He’s extremely tolerant of him but he avoids him most of the time and we don’t really let Levi get all up in his space because 1. Our dog deserves his own space and 2. That would be rude if we let Levi do whatever he wanted to Wilson and I don’t want to teach my son that it’s okay to do that to an animal.

So, if you’re reading this and you’re wondering if or when I’d ever have another baby….your best bet is sometime between 2021 and 2022!

I meant to post this yesterday but my brain stopped working so we’ll celebrate online today! My baby boy has grown so much in the last month! He’s a pro walker and walks all over the place. I’m sooo happy he started walking late because I’m not sure if I could have been able to handle it if it happened any sooner, ha! He says several words that I’m sure only me and Jesse can understand. Kitty, Mickey, bird, dada, mama, uh oh, coco (for cocomelon on YouTube), pizza, and cheese. I’m probably missing some but you get the gist. He’s been eating pretty good lately when it comes to veggies and what not. I’ve found that if I put the veggies (or whatever food he’s avoiding) on my fork and ask if he wants some, he’ll try it. Or I’ll help him poke his fork into the food and lift it to his mouth. Doesn’t work every single time but most of the time! He’s been having little anger outbursts when he gets things taken away (like a remote or phone) or if you repeatedly tell him “no” as he’s about to do something naughty. I know I shouldn’t laugh when he gets mad but it truly is hilarious to me and Jesse. He just lets out a grunt and will wave his arms around, haha. We still co-sleep. I’ve figured it’s too late to try and put him into his own crib and I feel like we’ll have to wait until we can convert his crib into a toddler bed. Am I wrong? I don’t know. I feel like I need some advice but I don’t know who to even ask since all my friends are smart and crib trained their babies already. I guess there’s no rush when you really think about it. Like why does it even matter at this point? It’s working out fine for our family so whatevs.

I know I’ve talked about my journey to lose weight and become healthy but I think something is off with my body. Seriously, I’m doing EVERYTHING to try and drop a few pounds and nothing is working. I’ve been eating so much less and so much more wholesome foods and I’ve increased my workouts to 4-5 times a week and I still haven’t lost one single fucking pound. Excuse my French, but not really because I don’t care right now. I’ll step on the scale and I see that I’ve gained weight. HOW?! I’m literally doing exactly what I should be doing and I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m so frustrated. I really hate* what I look like. It’s embarrassing to me. I don’t like running into people I know in public because I just feel like they’re judging me. Why couldn’t I have lost all the baby weight like everyone else I know? I don’t understand. I’m wondering if my thyroid has anything to do with it because I do have Hypothyroidism and that could be playing a huge factor in this so I’m going to do some blood work tomorrow. I actually want something to be off so my doctor can fix it because if my blood work comes back normal I’ll probably cry about it. I truly feel stuck and I don’t know what to do anymore.

My parents came with me and Levi to a wildlife museum today and Levi had a blast! At first he wasn’t so sure about the place but once he got comfortable he was all over the place. It was so fun to watch him run (walk) everywhere. Any time I tried to pick him up to move him somewhere else he would get really mad about it and it made me laugh so much. He didn’t want to hold our hands either. He was Mr. Independent and it was so fun to watch. We’re definitely going to go back so that Jesse can witness the cuteness. He was jelly he was at work today. This weekend is supposed to be really hot so we’re already preparing to be at the pool all weekend! Hope everyone enjoys the rest of their week 🙂

I’ll start this post off with the good stuff first. Jesse took two weeks off of work for a little staycation and Lake Tahoe vacation and it was much needed for our family. It went by slowly which I really loved because I missed being with him! The first week he was off we stayed at home and the second week we went to Lake Tahoe and came home on the 4th of July. I didn’t want to leave Tahoe at all, as soon as we were coming home I started getting a headache. It was such a breath of fresh air and so damn relaxing. I already can’t wait to go back! We brought Wilson with us and he loved it of course. My favorite day was when we rented bikes and biked a trail while pulling Levi in the back. He loved it and we’re for sure going to do it again the next time we go up!

Anyways, since we’ve been back Levi has been a walking machine! Last night he spent about 30 mins walking all over the house on his own going back and forth and it was so cute. He’s still cautious and a bit hesitant to walk but he’s on his way! Today was Jesses first day back at work and it kind of sucked to be honest! It of course didn’t suck with Levi but it just sucked not having him with me! I really enjoyed being back in my routine though, that was nice. To be honest after eating out a few times the past week, I have to say that home cooked meals are 10x better. I love knowing what goes into my food and making it myself. I completely fell off my good eating habits while in Tahoe and I tried to be on top of things but it just wasn’t working for me. So I’m trying to get back on track with everything! One day last week I ate so much that when I woke up the next day I had gained like 3lbs and felt terrrrible. I went to the gym and ate super clean and the next day I was down 3lbs! It must have just been bloat or something. Not really sure but it made me feel like shit about myself.

Ohhhh yea I forgot to mention! We bought a brand new car over the weekend! My old car had been giving us some problems and Jesse didn’t want me driving it because it wasn’t safe so we traded it in. I’m glad we bought this car because I seriously plan on having it for a really long time and it’s my first time having a new car! I’ve only ever had used cars and I never thought in my life I’d have a new car to be honest. I never cared about getting used or new cars because a car is a car but it’s pretty dope having a car that’s brand new with no unknown history about it, ya know? I’m extremely grateful to be able to have a new car and definitely don’t take it for granted.

….

I’ll try to make this second half a bit short because I’m somewhat past it. About a month ago I found out that an old friend of mines nephew passed away from drowning in a pool and it really got to me. I didn’t know her nephew but since I would see him on social media it really hurt my heart since I could put a face to the horrible news. That entire day I couldn’t stop thinking about it and occasionally bursting out in tears just thinking of it because my heart hurt so bad for her family. And it made me think of my own son and I started getting anxious. Every day since then I just feel extra protective over him and extra sensitive. For a couple weeks following, all I saw on social media was death. Like it was everywhere around me and it was all I had on my mind and it terrified me. I was terrified that someone in my family was going to die and I just felt so sad and Jesse didn’t seem to understand what I was going through. I still don’t like hearing about people dying, I mean nobody likes to hear about it obviously but I really just don’t want to know about it…at all. I’ve also got news about other people in my family not doing so well and it’s just all really effected me recently and I feel like I’m always on edge lately. I’ve been depressed and just so misunderstood. It’s probably why I was so sad for Jesse to go back to work because then I’m alone. I know I don’t have to be alone and I can go see family or friends during the week but sometimes the only company I want is his and Levi’s. Because I don’t have to try to be someone else for an hour or so. I don’t have to pretend that I’m happy or that I think my life is great because when you’re down you think the opposite no matter how fortunate you may be. So, yeah. I’ve been going through that the past few weeks and it’s hard to really write all my feelings out the way that I’m feeling them. I’m just more anxious and scared that somethings going to happen to someone and I can’t seem to relax. Maybe with more time I’ll start to feel better…

Are you reading that right? I have a 14 month old! I’m a couple days late but I thought I’d do an update since he’s learned so much!

Levi is now walking. W A L K I N G. We went to Tahoe a week ago and that’s where he took his first steps and we were all so amazed! It came out of nowhere! We’re still fine tuning it but he can walk from one end of a room to the other. He doesn’t quite stop so once he’s walking he just walks until he gets to a person/wall/couch/object. He’s still a little wobbly so we make sure we stay right by his side since he’s fallen backwards and hit his head twice. Ouch! He still prefers crawling but I am so excited for him to be walking like a pro in no time! He loves saying the word “ball” and he’ll say it to anything that’s round. We went grocery shopping and I picked up a watermelon and when he saw it on the counter he said, “ball!” It’s really cute. He also says cheese! Well, more like “chee.” It’s adorable. He can point to his belly, give high fives (oh so gentle though), point to your nose if you ask him where your nose is, and say hi! He can do many other things but those are what he’s been doing as of late. He loooves holding his own fork or spoon at mealtimes and cries when you take it away from him. He’s been growing more teeth! The two on top on the sides of the front two are coming in but seem to be stuck and haven’t grown all the way down but the dentist says it’s fine. He’s also growing two on the sides of his bottom teeth. He seems to be stuck in 18 month clothing, occasionally wearing 24 months or 2T depending on the brand. I think he’s finally growing out of size 4 shoes and into size 5. He’s OBSESSED with Mickey Mouse. If he see’s Mickey’s face on anything he gets really excited and says “icky!” We were shopping in Buy Buy Baby and he saw Mickey’s face on a bib and freaked out so I let him hold the bib throughout the store, haha.

He’s still sleeping with us! I bought a rocking chair and I was so ready to move him into his own room but something happened (I’ve been thinking about writing a blog post about it…) and I just haven’t wanted to move him out of our bed since. I’ll go into detail about that a different day. He’s been waking up in the middle of the night being fussy but I really think it’s because of his teeth. He’s been eating pretty good lately. He likes cauliflower and broccoli and even ate some asparagus last night! He had his first dentist appointment today by the way. I haven’t been good at brushing his teeth because he closes his mouth together but the dentist say that it’s  normal and it’ll just have to be a two person job until he gets comfortable. He cried the entire time and I felt so bad for him but afterwards he was totally chill.

You guys, I just love Levi so much. Every single day I look at him and think how perfect he is and I am so damn lucky. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think that about him. His smile always melts my heart and I love our new nap time/bed time routine that we have together. He holds my thumb while he curls up against me until he falls asleep. MY HEART! I’m excited to see what kind of little person he’s going to grow up to be but I also wish we could go back in time because time really went by way too fast and sometimes I can’t even remember how we got here! He’s absolutely perfect and my little best friend and I’m going to end this blog post before I cry, haha.

Hope everyone has a good Tuesday!