20 Weeks Postpartum.

I’ve finally made the decision, guys. After last weeks post I knew I needed some help. I contacted a personal trainer. Honestly it’s way out of my budget but I think of this as an investment in myself. It’ll be on the days I’m off, Monday’s and Thursdays in the mornings! I’m really hoping if I have someone on my side to help me be a better me physically, it’ll help me be better mentally. Right now I’m fucked, mentally. I’m constantly overwhelmed, stressed out, depressed, and irritated. I worry that adding this whole gym thing to my schedule will create more stress but I’m praying it’ll actually make my life better. I hope to be more energized, happy, and healthy. Even as I write this post I’m annoyed and irritated at some current situations in my life and having to take care of a fussy baby kind of makes things worse (but don’t get me wrong I love my son, it just makes things harder sometimes).

Anyways, on a more positive note, we just got back from Lake Tahoe today and I seriously did not want to leave. My family has a cabin up there which makes the trip even more special and fun. We went up Saturday after I got off of work, which was quite hard since Levi was pretty fussy but we made it! We spent yesterday taking walks on trails and bringing Wilson to the lake to swim. For dinner we had spaghetti, which has always been a staple when staying at the cabin. You HAVE to have spaghetti at least one night, it’s like an unspoken rule. I really could have spent weeks up there, I didn’t want to leave. The weather is perfect and the cabin is in a remote area so it’s quiet and I even saw a coyote! I was sitting outside with Levi and Wilson and I thought I saw a dog in the road and I stood up and saw that it was definitely not a dog. I rushed everyone inside for safety, haha. When I went back out to see if it was still there I could see the ears of a rabbit in the tall grass. Not a small rabbit, like a jack rabbit or whatever they’re called. Pretty cool to see those animals.

Levi has been rolling from his back to his stomach quite a lot lately but has somewhat stopped rolling from his stomach to his back? I think I need to do a lot more tummy time! I for sure think he’s in the 4 month sleep regression since he’s been a lot more fussy and hasn’t been sleeping as much. Fortunately for me he’s taking a much needed nap right now 👍🏼 I love him so much.

So I’m really stressed about this upcoming work week/life week. Hoping I’ll survive. I’ll keep you all updated in next weeks blog post!

My favorite picture I took of my boys this weekend 🙂

19 Weeks Postpartum.

Hi, friends! The cold that kicked our butts last week is still making its way out of our systems. It’s mainly my system thats taking it’s sweet time to get out of, Levi is doing pretty well with only a few coughs and sneezes here and there. I’m congested AF and my cough sounds terrible and it’s very annoying. We’ve been keeping things low key lately since I still haven’t felt 100%. Since today is a holiday, Jesse has the day off and is spending it with us! I keep forgetting it’s Monday. We went and got donuts this morning for breakfast and then went to the grocery store after. Since then we’ve been relaxing at home. I started cleaning the house yesterday and didn’t finish because I ended up taking a two hour nap and was still exhausted so I finished up the last few of my chores. Who else loves a clean house? I mean, if you came over right now you’d think it was a mess but that’s because there’s baby stuff all over. Yesterday was fun, too. We went out to Kohls and got Levi some cute clothes that were on sale (hello, clearance rack!) and then had some good BBQ and ice cream. Have you ever tried avocado flavored ice cream? It’s delicious!

Last week while I was really sick, my blood sugars were out of control. I’ve never experienced such high numbers since being diagnosed! My blood sugar was all the way in the 500’s! It’s like my body was rejecting the insulin?? I have since adjusted my insulin ratio (yeah, I should probably ask my doctor first but oh well) and I seem to be doing a lot better. It was probably why I was so tired yesterday because when your blood sugar is high you tend to get very sleepy! Since we’re on the topic of my well being, I’ve been contemplating getting a trainer for the gym. I’ve been really down on myself lately and I’m in this vicious cycle of hating myself so then I eat to feel better but then hating that I just ate all this bad food so I hate myself some more and eat to feel better again. You’d think that since I know this I wouldn’t be doing it but having an unhealthy relationship with food is really hard for people like me. I’ve never dealt with anorexia or bulimia, mostly just binge eating. I’m not sure of the cost of getting a personal trainer but I really want to talk to someone at this gym by my house. It’s a gym thats for people and personal training, so it’s not your typical gym with all those people in it. I feel like once I have someone to push me and get me on the right track I’ll be able to have more control over myself and my mind and be able to do things myself. The thought of working out in the gym terrifies me because I absolutely hate working out in a gym so I know I won’t go on my own. The air quality has been shit where I live also so I’m not really in the mood to workout outside either, and my house is less than 1,000 sq ft so it’s also tiny AF and there’s zero room to workout. See all these excuses I give myself to continue to be lazy? Don’t judge.

It’s funny because before I was pregnant or anything, I would see women on social media beating themselves up over their bodies after they had their babies and I would tell myself that I’d never be like them and that I’d be gentle with myself because I JUST HAD A BABY! Well, turns out I am nothing like I told myself I should be. I’ve had a family member tell me I should work out. Sure they’re coming from a good place, but that HURT. It hurt a lot. Thinking about it makes me want to cry actually. Why do other people care what I look like? I don’t care what other people look like at all, especially if they had a baby x months ago. Some women don’t get their bodies back until a year or so after and thats what I tell myself is OK. Some get their bodies back a few short months after, but even then, why does it matter?! Some never get their bodies back and that’s OK. So if I know all of this, why do I beat myself up? Why do I call myself ugly every.single.day? I never did that before I had Levi because I was actually really comfortable with myself before even though I wasn’t “skinny”. I was a size 6/8 140lbs and I was happy with myself. Sure, I had my days where all I saw were my flaws but I didn’t hate myself every day like I do now. I recently weighed myself and I’m five pounds away from where I was when I was pregnant. I gained 30 pounds in my pregnancy. I’ve gained weight since having my son and it fucking sucks. Sorry for cursing but it sucks that I did this to myself, you know? I can’t really blame pregnancy on gaining the weight now. Now i’m wearing size 10/12 and 165lbs and I hate getting dressed to go out because I’m never fully comfortable with myself. I hate everything. I don’t want anyone who gained more weight than I did or anyone who might be heavier than me to think that I would look down on them by the way. This is just my journey and the way I feel about myself. I honestly feel like I’m nicer to other people and am such an advocate on women loving themselves however they are. I wish I could tell myself these nice things but it’s hard when other people seem to feel like they need to chime in…

Anyways, I didn’t mean for this post to take such a turn. Hopefully someone out there can relate to what I’m going through. It’s fucking hard.

So Levi got his shots last Thursday and of course he cried but he actually did quite well that night and the next day. A bit fussy but nowhere near last time. I bought some rice cereal today at the store and I was going to wait until 5 months to give it to him but I tried it today out of curiosity. He didn’t seem to like it but I guess I did it wrong, anyways. A friend told me I made it too thick so next time (closer to 5 months) I will try it again but less thick! I actually want to try a veggie puree next time first and then if that goes well I’ll mix it with the rice cereal. I was actually going to skip the whole rice/oatmeal cereals because I read it actually has no nutritional value so there’s no point to it but I think a little won’t hurt. If you ask your parents what they first fed you as a baby I’m sure they’ll say they did baby cereal and are you alive right now reading this? Most likely (hopefully lol). So I’ve decided that a little won’t hurt and he’ll be fine! I’m looking forward to making him his purees! I read an article about how all of the pre made baby food has added acid in it (like citric acid) and how it’s unnecessary and how the baby food’s expiration date is like two years out and how bad that is so it freaked me out and that just makes me want to make Levi his own food even more. I still would like to have some baby food on hand as backup probably in case I run out of anything I made or whatever the case may be. In all honesty, I have no idea what I’m doing. Are all first time moms feeling the same? Hope so. I get a lot of advice from people around me on what to do but the way my personality is….I do what I want even if I don’t know what I’m doing. Sorry ’bout it! No, I really do like advice because it helps if what I try doesn’t work then I have something else to fall back on. I’ll always do it my way first, though 😉

18 Weeks Postpartum.

YOU GUYS. My poor baby finally caught his first cold. I came home from work Saturday and kept noticing him sneezing and coughing. I didn’t really think much of it to be honest. I mean, I thought it was weird but that’s it. Then during the night he was extremely fussy and kept waking up crying. Then on Sunday he was totally not himself. He only took one nap! He was wide awake from 2pm-11pm! He was fighting sleep like no other. Since I was so paranoid I kept him in bed with us (which he’s been sleeping with us since because he’s still sick). Also on Sunday I was sneezing a TON but I honestly thought it was allergies because it was a little windy out. Well, yesterday I woke up and felt like a truck hit me. My throat hurt so bad and I was running a fever all day and was extremely cold even though it wasn’t even cold outside. My body had chills and I was absolutely miserable. Luckily Levi took two really good naps yesterday so I was able to nap also. We went to the doctor yesterday because he was supposed to get his 4 month shots but we are postponing them until Thursday because I wanted him to feel better before I had him poked and prodded. He’s still sneezing and coughing but his mood is pretty much back to Normal. I woke up to him talking and screaming (in a good way) this morning. I had a terrible nights sleep and I’m still feeling really crappy. I lucked out and Jesse is staying home today to help a mama out! Yesterday was rough, I felt so bad that I couldn’t really entertain Levi because I was feeling so sick. I cried about it because I felt terrible about it. Jesse reminded me that it’s just one day and he’ll be fine.

Other than the sickness in our home, Levi’s been doing pretty good! I’ve decided I’m not going to start feeding him until 5-6 months because I just feel like it’s too soon right now. I’m getting more excited about making him his own food! I have a book on recipes for baby so I’ll definitely be using that. At the doctors yesterday Levi weighed in at a whopping 18 pounds and 26 inches! Also, it’s been exactly ONE year since finding out I was pregnant. I remember the day like it was yesterday! I remember feeling happy, nervous, scared, and excited all at once. I had no idea what I was in for but I knew I had wanted it for so long. I’ll never forget just sitting at the top of our stairs with Jesse just talking about everything. Getting pregnant happened so fast. I really told myself that it could take months, years! I had no idea it would only take weeks! It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I absolutely love being Levi’s mom 💗

Sorry this post is short. I even forgot to post yesterday but honestly I was dying (exaggerating, yes) and could hardly take care of myself. Here’s to hoping I’ll feel better as the day goes on!

17 Weeks Postpartum.

I’m finally experiencing this 4 month sleep regression! Man, is it hitting us kind of hard! During the day he hasn’t been taking as long of naps as usual and when we put him down for bed he will sleep for about 30-40 minutes before he wakes up crying and we give him the pacifier and he goes back to sleep but wakes up again a short while later. The other night Jesse put him into our bed to sleep because it was so bad. I hated putting him into our bed because I just got done working so hard having him sleep in his crib but last night he slept in his crib just fine so that was good. We took Levi to his first baseball game yesterday! I take him to Jesse’s softball games every week or so but a REAL game full of loud fans was definitely a new experience. Once we entered the coliseum he immediately started crying and screaming so once we got to our seats I quickly made him a bottle but he didn’t seem so interested in it honestly. I think once we sat down and I was holding him he calmed down. He sat through the game and didn’t make a peep the whole time! I was so proud of my boy! He just stared at people and sat on our laps. He did amazing and it made us so happy because this was a big game and I look forward to going to other games especially when they are more relaxed baseball games. He looked so flipping adorable with his little Oakland A’s shoes on! We didn’t have any cute A’s clothes so he just rocked the shoes and an A’s bib that came with it. I know having him at the game made Jesse so happy. We went with our friend and her son and I’m so happy they came with us!

This past week has been pretty intense to say the least. I worked the closing shift three days last week and it was rough. I absolutely hate working so late because I barely get to see Levi and spend time with him because I’m absolutely exhausted from work. My mental stability is kind of dwindling to be honest. It’s been hard to stay positive and happy all of the time. I find myself thinking negative thoughts and just feeling down a lot. I seriously have no idea how my parents worked full time and raised me and my brother. I’m jealous of the moms who have the chance to stay home with their kids. As I type this I realize I actually could never be a stay at home mom. Maybe if I had more kids, but with one I probably would go stir crazy. Yeah, you can find things to do and get out of the house but I do enjoy having a break while at work. Ugh, it’s still really hard though. I wish I could do both. I think the hard part of working at a place where a lot of people don’t have kids is that I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I have friends who are moms but some work and some don’t, and we do different things. It would be nice to have someone at work who I could talk to about stuff because I try not to bring up my son in conversations because I know most people don’t care (that’s completely fine btw, baby talk isn’t for everyone).

Anyways, yeah, I’m kind of struggling lately and it takes a toll on me and my relationship. I’m not always pleasant to be around and I hate knowing that about myself. Jesse has his moments too, though. Sometimes I just want a break and want to go on a vacation. Just the three of us…that would be nice. Jesse actually wants to go to Hawaii soon but I’m not physically ready for that yet so we’re planning to go next year although he really wants to go in December but that seems too close for me. I’m still trying to eat better and do better. It’ll be a process and I just have to be OK with it. What makes it hard is when other people comment on it. That’s when I feel like absolute shit. No, not Jesse. I actually feel so grateful for him because he compliments me every day even when I know I look terrible. He’d never tell me that though.

This post is coming to an end because my little monster just woke up. I’m in a mood where I just want to cuddle him and lay down. I think he wants to do the opposite though, ha ha. His four month doctor appointment is next week on Monday! I’m nervous about that because of the shots and how he reacted last time. I’m also interested in when the doctor will think he’s ready for food. I’m definitely not ready for that yet. I think I want to wait until 5-6 months. I used to be so excited for him to eat food and now I see it as a sign of him growing up and I don’t want my baby to grow up yet! I still can’t believe he’ll be FOUR months old in a few short days. Insane.

16 Weeks Postpartum.

Wow, my little baby is almost 4 months old! He has been such a joy lately, despite the random fussy moments but honestly they’re not too bad once their over (lol). WE FINALLY HAVE HIM IN THE CRIB! He goes down at 9:30 after a bottle and he’s either passed out or pretty sleepy and he’ll sleep for about 3 hours at first and after the first wake/feed we’re able to put him back in the crib but after he wakes up again around 2AM it’s kind of game over and we just put him back into bed with us. Hey, it’s a work in progress! I’m trying to minimize the night feedings but that’s hard to do since he gulps the food down and acts like he’s so hungry instead of doing it for comfort. That’s my opinion anyways. He’s been rolling over onto his back a lot more during tummy time and I swear he’s trying to roll over from his back onto his tummy because he’ll kind of roll and lay on his side for a bit but not make the full roll onto his stomach. Yesterday I made him laugh so much and it was the cutest thing. I love his laughs, bubbles, and random noises (yeah, I know I’ve mentioned that before but I will never stop loving it). We finally ran out of size 2 diapers so we’re putting him into size 3. Gotta use up everything we have before we actually have to go out and buy them! The size 3 fits him well anyways. He still loves standing. He’s been a bit more fussy in the car recently if we go out for a drive but the early morning drives when I take him to whoever’s house in the morning before work are always a breeze. He’ll either go back to sleep or just hang out. He still enjoys his walks and being outside. I can’t wait for cooler weather so that we can be outside more because I HATE the heat so I’m a total hermit in the summer because being hot and sweaty is not my fave.

My diabetes has been alright lately. It’s not terrible, only when I eat bad. Lately I sort of have been doing whatever because of my mood. I’m constantly feeling overwhelmed. It’s a weird feeling that I’ve never quite dealt with before. I’m not sure if I would classify it as anxious or not because I just don’t know where this is coming from. I feel like my brain is constantly running and I have a million thoughts and even more worries going through my head. I hate having to go through this actually. I think I’m also having the postpartum hair loss now because I lose so much hair in the shower it’s ridiculous. Even if my hair is dry and I run my hands through it I’m able to pull out so much hair. Annoying! I really am trying to eat healthier, making a lot of salads and cutting out an after dinner snack. When I’m in a crappy mood I definitely don’t hold back completely though (ice cream I hate you and love you so much). I’ve found the perfect dark chocolate to essentially satisfy my sweet tooth. 76% Dark chocolate bar from Ghirardelli is bomb.com!

One topic I’d like to touch on really quickly (well, let’s see how long or short this will become) is judgement. Whether it be with how you raise your child or even your pets. I recently took my dog to a trainer and I only wanted to tell certain people who I knew (or thought) would support me and have an open mind. Well, not everyone was supportive and I could tell by how they talked to me even after I explained everything. They said they supported me but I’m smart enough to know that they weren’t. Why is it that people are this way? They try to take your happiness away and shit all over you because of a decision you made that doesn’t effect them in any way. I was SO happy yesterday with the progress we made with our dog and by the end of the night I was crying and felt like a terrible person. I’m not a terrible person. I’m helping my dog. I’m protecting my dog by doing this. If you have an aggressive dog then maybe you might understand what I’m going through. It’s terrifying to think that he could one day do harm to someone and be euthanized. Why would I allow that? THAT is what would make me a terrible person. Knowing he’s dangerous but ignoring it. I made a decision to help him using certain tools that have an extremely bad reputation because so many people use them wrong and ruin their dogs. It’s usually people who never went to an experienced trainer and were never taught how to properly use those tools. Jesse told me last night that the only approval I needed was his, and he’s right. It’s OUR dog so all we need is each others approval. The tools used are something you have to research for sure and not everyone is comfortable using them and thats OK. I used to be the one on the other end who thought people who used a prong collar or e collar (unfortunately called a shock collar but is an electronic collar) were the devil and were evil evil people. Look, not every dog is the same so not every dog can be trained using the same methods. Would these tools help a dog who’s suffered any kind of abuse and is supper skittish? Probably not. I think the most common misconception is you slap the collar onto the dog and just go HAM pressing the button on a high setting. Wrong wrong wrong wrong. Definitely not how you go about using it. The prong collar just helps while training. Do you keep it on your dog as their regular collar? Definitely not! I could probably go on and on about this topic because I’m actually so interested in all of it and I can’t believe how so many people, like myself once, are so misinformed. If you’re someone who’s already judging me by reading all of this then we aren’t friends. You don’t know me or my situation. If you DO know me and my situation and you’re still judgy, then we really aren’t friends. If you have any type of curiosity then I’d suggest looking up the BENEFITS of using those tools. If your mind is already filled with a negative association with the tools maybe try looking at the positive side. If you’re still not into it then thats completely fine! It’s seriously not for everyone and I wish more people would be OK with that.

This past week has been filled with a lot of emotions leading up to the training session. I even thought about flaking on the trainer because I was so nervous and scared! Now I realize I’m doing what’s best for my dog. The training tools go on when it’s ready to train and come right off once we’re done with our walk. Once I get better I’d love to post a video or something because my dog has already made such an improvement. I wish I could take him out right now to work with him but unfortunately it’s just me at home and the baby is asleep!

A photo the dog trainer (@teamfloppyears on instagram) took of us during our session. Using the wall really helped keep Wilson right next to us instead of trying to cut us off while walking. He isn’t a terrible walker but he can definitely do better. We can always do better 👍🏼.

15 Weeks Postpartum.

I think the feeling of disappointment has finally really set in. Before having Levi I told myself and others that I would never let him sleep with us in the bed. Have I completely done a 180 on that? Yes. Do I regret it? 100% yes. We started out with him in the bassinet and, truth is, we got lazy. In the middle of the night towards his last stretch of sleep he’d be extra hard to put back down and we got lazy and didn’t want to deal with it so we put him in our bed knowing he’d fall right asleep. Time went on and the bassinet was a no go. Once his little head touched it, it was game over. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it’s really starting to hurt our family. Getting no sleep and still waking up every 2 hours is exhausting. Being at work for 9 hours and having to still go pick him up and drive home and do dinner and clean and shower and do everything else is exhausting. It shows in my mood. I’m definitely more irritable and Jesse is too. When I tell people at work I’m tired and they tell me they’re tired too, I just know it’s a different kind of tired. I’m in no way discrediting someone else’s tiredness, but mines just different.

I’m currently reading the book Babywise and it’s giving me some good information so far. Put baby in crib before he’s asleep. Don’t rock or feed him to sleep. Try crying it out for 10, 20, even 30 minutes. If he’s truly tired, he’ll sleep. So much easier said than done in my opinion. My child cries hard and ends up choking. That’s the scariest sound on the planet to me! What’s worse is I tried that Merlin sleep suit and I just can’t do it. It’s way too hot to be putting my baby in there. I feel like he’s going to overheat in it. I already ripped the tags off, anyone want it?? Lol, I’m not kidding either. I’m going to try putting Levi in his crib tonight when it’s his bed time so I’m hoping this will work, and I’m going to try to let him cry it out if need be. I’m already getting stressed out about it.

Speaking of stress, I feel so overwhelmed lately. I’ve been having stomach aches in the morning not sure where they’re coming from but I’m assuming it’s all stress related even though I wake up with a clear mind. I feel like there’s so much to do and so little time. I’ve been feeling like the shittiest parent. I don’t breastfeed, my baby doesn’t get a full nights rest, I didn’t sleep train my baby earlier before going back to work, my body still sucks, I can’t stop eating crap food, and the list goes on…

Sorry if my posts are a bit daunting these days. There’s just no sugar coating anything for me. Life is shitty sometimes. On the bright side though, I was able to enjoy a day with my little family yesterday. We went to Pacifica. We were supposed to go to Tahoe but plans changed and we ended up there. It was a cold and foggy day but what mattered most was the time we spent together. It was nice. Levi’s been chatting up a storm lately. We went for a walk last night and he talked the whole night. Music to my ears! I also think he’s the chunkiest baby out of my friends who had babies within months of him, even though they’re older. I love my chunky boy, his thighs are so scrumptious!! I always wonder if he’ll be tall like Jesse. I went to target today and bought him some new toys. We didn’t have many small toys for him to grab or look at so I wanted to get a few. I’m not sure how our small home will be when Christmas rolls around to be honest. We hardly have space for anything! I’m actually hoping he doesn’t get too much stuff because I don’t think he needs a lot of things but I know the grandparents will think differently! What are your thoughts on gifts? I already told Jesse we should only get Levi a few things since he’s still going to be so little and won’t know any different.

Anyways, tonight I’m going to make steak fajitas and I plan on not eating any tortillas! I’m for sure going to cut out as many unnecessary carbohydrates as possible from my diet (says the girl who just made chocolate brownies). Forever sabotaging myself!

Venting.

Lately I’ve been quite down. You probably wouldn’t notice if you were around me because I don’t really show it. For someone like me, not having complete control over certain things drives me insane. I’m not controlling…but I am. In my relationship I’d say we’re 50/50, but when it comes to raising a child it can be different each day and that can make things hard at times. When you put two people together who have been raised completely different it’ll probably cause some friction, and that’s OK. You communicate and hopefully come to an agreement.

Not sure where I’m going with this but it’s hard for me to let other people do different things with my son. I have ways of doing things as a new mom and it stresses me out when other people don’t do what I want. This is probably (hopefully) normal for every mom (please tell me I’m not just psycho). Every woman worked hard to grow their child, or if you’ve adopted I’m sure you’ve gone through your own hardships. Regardless of how you’ve received your baby, I’m sure everyone can agree it’s hard work. I’m so possessive over my son because I feel like I worked extra hard for him to be healthy and perfect. Every single day was a struggle mentally for me. I worried constantly about my blood sugars and how they’d be affecting my son. I didn’t have a normal pregnancy. I want him to be perfect and healthy outside because I tried so hard for him to be perfect and healthy on the inside. Am I making any sense?

I also feel like throwing rocks at the women who say they love the “bond” they have with their child while breastfeeding. I’m sorry not every woman’s breasts are the same but your bond crap can go right to the garbage. I worked so hard for my baby and just because I don’t breastfeed doesn’t mean I don’t have a bond. I’m my sons favorite person!

This is short. I’m not really sure why I wanted to write this out but it’s been on my mind lately and I hope I’m not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings. I just feel so misunderstood sometimes for my feelings. I know my feelings are valid but it’s shitty when you feel alone. Or you feel like some psycho controlling freak about your baby. And to be honest I feel like I’m a super relaxed mom. I hardly read books about how to raise a baby, etc. I really just go with the flow but there definitely are boundaries.

Sorry for being random. I’ll end my thoughts here. Hopefully I’m not alone.

14 Weeks Postpartum.

14 weeks! Wow the time has flown by and my baby keeps growing and doing new things almost every day! I got some good laughs out of him last night. I really almost cried because it was the cutest thing. Anybody else tear up when they just stare at their baby with awe? The other night he was laying next to me because we were going to bed and I couldn’t stop staring at him and I kissed him on the forehead and he opened his eyes and smiled at me. MY HEART! It’s the most precious thing in the entire world. I love him to pieces and I’m so blessed to be his mom. He’s already taught me so much.

Being at work away from him is healthy for my mind because I don’t sit at home and think negative thoughts about myself or my life. Work goes by fast and I’m constantly busy running around, which I love. I had to work yesterday which is usually an off day for me so I was pretty bummed about that. Sunday’s are the only days I get to spend with my little family so I tried to stay positive and think about my future paycheck to get through the day.

This post might be short because 1. I’m exhausted and 2. I don’t have much to say! He changes so much but then I feel like he still does the same as last week. He laughs, he checks out his feet when I hold them up for him, and he’s growing so much! He drinks about 4-6oz now and still wears his 3-6/6 month clothing. I’ve given up on the crib sleeping because I’m just not consistent and neither is Jesse. He never put him in there once while watching him over the weekend *enter eye roll here*. I can’t do it all myself! Also he still wakes up multiple times throughout the night and it’s so easy to make a bottle and feed him in bed and then we go back to sleep. I did order the Merlin Sleep suit so once that comes I definitely want to try it out with the crib again to see if it makes a difference. Who knows. I also ordered a book to help a girl out so I’ll be reading that as well.

In diabetes land I’m doing okay. My blood sugars are definitely better being at work because I’m constantly moving. I’m still a chocolate lover so it’s really hard to stay away from that right now. I still hate the way I look and just being at work or in public makes me extremely self conscious. I’m hoping with all the walking I do at work it’ll help me shed some pounds. I keep having to remind myself that it will take time and I won’t look how I used to overnight. It’s a daily battle with myself and it’s so shitty. I just want to be happy with myself. I feel like lately I don’t care to talk or be around anyone. Not because I’m depressed but because I just enjoy my own company. Sitting in silence with no TV on or anything, on my phone or computer or hanging out with Levi. It’s really nice. I also enjoy being in the kitchen cooking dinner. I don’t really do breakfast or lunch unless I have a lot of time. This morning I made me and Jesse avocado toast with a fried egg and bacon. It was easy and quick, but not something I do every day. Lately I haven’t even been eating breakfast because I’m just not hungry.

Anyways, I really wish had photos to add to my blog posts lately but I definitely don’t want to put pictures of myself or my baby so I’m stuck! I’ll figure out something soon.

13 Weeks Postpartum.

So Levi is officially three months old today! Can you believe I’ve kept a baby alive for three whole months? Crazy, right? No, seriously though. It’s so weird to think that I was petrified of having a baby and being a mother, even though I wanted him so bad. I was so doubtful and just really negative towards myself about being a mom. My little boy is so happy and I love him so much. It really is hard to picture my life without him in it. I feel so blessed to be able to be apart of his life. Lately he’s been blowing tons of bubbles, drooling, and really loving his fists in his mouth. Teething? Maybe we’ll get some teeth early, who knows! We’ve officially quit the bassinet and he sleeps with us. I swear he could be dead asleep and once his head touches that bassinet its game over for us so we’ve given up. Now it’s going to be trying to transition him from bed to crib, which I know will be tough. I know I talked a lot about his sleep in the last blog post so I’ll keep this one shorter. For now I’m not even going to stress about him sleeping in the crib. I’m too stressed about other things in life that I just don’t care about that right now to be honest. He no longer fits in some of his three month clothing so I busted out all of his six month clothing and thats what we’re wearing these days! Some items are a bit too big but for the most part that’s what he fits best. Some of the three month shirts and pants are a bit too snug, so my family members have pointed out. Don’t you love that? You put your kid in something and every one critiques it. Thanks, guys.

So last week completely kicked my ass. First day back to work was a mess. I felt so out of place and it ended up being a really busy day. Oddly enough the second day back to work was much smoother and it felt like I had never left, super weird! Jesse had a few events during the week and a softball game so I was very overwhelmed. I’d have to wake up at 5AM to get ready and drop Levi off at whoever’s house, then when I got off at 4 I’d have to drive and pick him up, then go home and be alone with him for a few hours until Jesse got home. It’s so hot these days and I had been sweating at work all day from running around and I wanted so desperately to go take a shower when I got home but that wasn’t going to happen. And if I got lucky I’d be able to cook dinner. Otherwise I’d have to tend to Levi until Jesse got home which was around 7PM. Needless to say when Saturday came I was exhausted at work and I couldn’t wait to be off. I spent most of yesterday lounging around because my body hurt and I was just mentally and physically exhausted. I’m hoping this week will be smoother because Jesse won’t have any events and I’m not suffering from all the anxiety of leaving Levi for the day. I missed him a lot while I was at work and then by the time we were in bed at night, I felt so guilty that I wasn’t able to be with him all day. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I give major props to the single moms and dads out there, or the working parents who maybe have to work two jobs. I can’t imagine what that’s like. I was happy that it was just me and him today because I was able to cuddle him and love on him all day. There’s a couple of days this week where I won’t be getting off of work until 7PM and that’s going to be so hard for me because I won’t be able to spend much time with him until it’s time for him to go to bed.

I originally had so much I wanted to talk about but now I’m sitting here and I can’t even remember what I wanted to write about. I guess it wasn’t that important. Oh yeah, being back at work. It’s a new experience. I feel very uncomfortable about my appearance. There are people who didn’t know I was pregnant, so I feel like when they see me they probably just think I disappeared for several months and got fat. I was telling Jesse earlier that for the people who know I had a baby, they know why I look the way I look. For the people who don’t know (strangers), they probably just think I’m fat. It’s a weird thought. Maybe nobody thinks this way, but I do and it makes me extremely self conscious. I felt like I did so well last week with my eating and the scale says I gained three pounds. How?! It’s so frustrating. It’s really hard to stay positive lately.

Anyways, tonight I’m going to make a salad for dinner so I’m quite excited about that. I’m interested in how this second week back to work will be for me, hoping it’ll go better than last week since it was quite rough on me. I’m grateful for a job that lets me have three days off in the week, especially Sunday and Monday. If I had to work today I would probably still be a mess. Having the two days to recover and be with my family helps a lot. It’s sad that I only get one day to be with my family but I know it won’t be like that forever so I’ll suck it up.

12 Weeks Postpartum.

First I’d like to share this amazing Spanish Chicken and Rice recipe! Lately I’ve been a chicken thigh lover since it has 10x more flavor than chicken breasts. This is a one pan recipe and it’s so simple! I’ll link it Here. So flavorful and easy! A must try in my opinion 🙂

Okay, now to the blog post. Last week was my last week spending every day with Levi! I was definitely a bit down, okay very down. I didn’t want to be around anyone besides my family to be honest. I’ve already cried and had insane thoughts run through my head. Will he forget me when I’m gone? Will he know I’m still his mom? Omg what if someone forgets he’s sleeping and they go off and do something? Omg what if he gets hurt in their care? The thoughts are endless. And yes, I’m leaving him with different family members who I trust but I’m still scared as hell. It’s like, nobody knows him like I know him. It’s very dramatic. To say I’m anxious would be an understatement. I’ve already got his bag packed for what he’ll need tomorrow. Luckily my aunt who I’m leaving him with is like a baby whisperer so I know I don’t have to tell her much because she knows what she’s doing so that makes me feel so good. I know he’ll be in good hands but I worry.

Anyways, I think he’s going through a leap because he’s been quite fussy the past couple of days. He’s also been a pain to get to sleep in his bassinet. He’ll only sleep in the bed. I’ve tried multiple times to get him to nap in his crib too and he hates it. Sometimes I feel like a failure because all these other moms have sleep schedules and their baby sleeps for long periods of times. I live in a two story townhouse and since it’s hot here in the Bay Area, the upstairs is seriously 20 degrees warmer than downstairs. Even with the AC blasting. It’s like it doesn’t work upstairs. I already hate going up there during the day if I don’t have to. So trying to have a nap sleep schedule in his crib just sounds daunting because there’s no chair in there for me to sit in so how do I get him to sleep in there? I try hanging out in there with him sometimes just to familiarize the room to him. The bassinet only works if he’s passed out already downstairs and we put him in there. I mean, his bed time is usually 10/10:30 and he usually wakes up between 7-7:30 in the morning. Waking up every 2-3 hours in the night. I wish we only had to wake up once but maybe one day that’ll happen. I don’t plan on trying to get him to bed any earlier honestly because sometimes we don’t get off of work until 7 and then I have to pick him up from whoever’s house he’s at, go home, eat/shower, etc so a 10pm bedtime works best for us. His first nap of the day is usually 10AM and then after that I don’t really care about when he takes his other naps because some days it changes! He will take a nap maybe 4pm-6pm and I like those naps because then he’ll be awake from 6-10 and it tires him out. Okay, enough about naps because it stresses me out haha.

I’m not the kind of mom who reads books on every little subject. I don’t research things unless I have to and I feel like the moms I know of (or at least I think) do all of these things. Does it make me a shitty mom? I’m not sure. I’m just more easy going I suppose. At least that’s what I tell myself so I don’t feel like a shitty parent. I’m still thinking about taking myself off of social media but it sucks because I like posting on my Instagram sometimes. Maybe going back to work will make me feel better and stop overthinking about stuff like this. Speaking of work, I’m dreading it tomorrow. I feel like I’ll be so rusty and I don’t want to annoy anyone with my slowness. I feel like my job is fast paced and you can’t really slack off if there’s a ton to get done. I’ll be working with the cats all week and I’m pretty excited about it since I haven’t been able to work with them since I got pregnant. I looked on our website and it seems like there are a ton of kitties so I think I’ll be quite busy.

Well, here’s to hoping my first week back to work goes smoothly! I’m sure I’ll get absolutely no sleep tonight because I’ll have too much anxiety over it. Luckily Jesse offered to take care of Levi tonight (since it would have been my night) so that I won’t have to wake up in the middle of the night to feed him. I’m really lucky to have him. I feel like I’ve been so hard to love lately because I’ve been so emotional and moody but he still tells me he loves me and how pretty he thinks I am (even when I’m a hot mess) every day. It’s the little things.