Feeding Struggles.

I’m absolutely obsessed with the photo above. It captures Levi’s curiosity and what he loves most: watching cars drive by and the outdoors. Yea, he’s inside in this picture but he loves being outside. I had yesterday and today off and it feels so damn good to be with my family. I’m so sad to get back to the grind tomorrow. I’m sure me saying I’m exhausted is repetitive by now so I’ll just assume you already know that.

Last week was a blur. I don’t remember much besides going to work and coming home every day doing the same thing. Yesterday was Sunday so it was errand day. We went to target to get our shopping done because I accidentally forgot to skip this week on Hello Fresh so we didn’t need much to buy this week. Today was more errands. I had to exchange an Xmas present, buy some protein powder, did some small shopping because I had a gift card, went home for lunch and then had to take both Moka and Wilson to the vet because I thought they had ringworm. They don’t, thank goodness. I have to bring Wilson back on Friday so a vet can look at him this time (they were busy when I went) but it looks like he might have allergies and be allergic to something. Could be food but it also could be seasonal allergies. Poor guy has a rash all over his tummy and he’s super itchy. We’ll most likely have to do medicated baths to help with it. Luckily at my work there’s a veterinarian clinic so I can just bring him to work with me on Friday. He’s going to hate me.

Levi hadn’t taken any naps today but finally knocked out around 3 right when we got home and he’s still asleep! It’s been two whole hours. I bet he’s going to feel amazing after this nap! I’ve been worried about his eating lately and how he doesn’t like touching any real solids and only eats purées and yogurt and what not. I’ve emailed his doctor and he’s going to refer us to a pediatric speech and food specialist. Last week was hard and I couldn’t help but blame myself for him being delayed. It still makes me want to cry honestly. Sunday morning I put scrambled eggs, shredded cheese, tortilla pieces, and blueberries on his tray and he touched the cheese and looked DISGUSTED. As if I had just put his own poop on the tray. He pulled his hands back and shook his head. We tried to put a piece of tortilla up to his mouth for a taste and he pursed his lips together, wanting nothing to do with it. I was so devastated. But I did end up having some victories the past two days, though. While I fed him his yogurt for lunch I just placed sliced blueberries on the tray so if he felt like grabbing them, he could. And he did! He put two pieces into his mouth but then they fell out and he didn’t attempt it again but I didn’t care though because I was just happy he touched them and picked them up! It was a small victory and I’m going to continue to put little pieces of food on the tray while I feed him purée. I definitely don’t want to force him to eat but I do want to get the ball rolling because it is important for him to eat food, you know? I’ve also been stressing about him not crawling but I talked to a friend and she told me her son didn’t crawl until 11 months old and that made me feel better. Jesse tells me everything will be okay and Levi will be fine but it’s really hard to watch your child not be 100% on track with every little thing when every other baby seems to be fine? I don’t know. I’m just a worried mama.

Anyways, it’s a new week. I’m closing three days in a row which will be rough because that means I barely get to spend time with Levi so I’ll definitely be on the sad side. Be nice to people this week (or every week) because some of us are on a struggle bus to happiness.

8 Months Postpartum. Christmas and Other Things.

How was everyone’s holiday?! It was so much fun celebrating Levi’s first Christmas! It was a very busy two days for us and I feel like I still haven’t had a chance to settle down and relax this past week. I had to work the past five days and I finally had today off and then I have to work the next five *sigh*. A working moms life, am I right? The holidays sure did come and go. I remember being pregnant and looking forward to Christmas with Levi. It was pretty special! I’m so glad we did a Christmas card. Stuff like that makes me really happy!

Anyone doing anything fun tonight? Levi’s currently taking a nap (5:53pm) and we’ll all probably go to bed around 8 or 9. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a rebel and stay up until 10! I don’t drink and I’m definitely not interested in partying to ring in the new year. I’m super boring, I know. Levi’s been quite fussy as of late and I think he’s teething because he’s drooling like a mofo. He still isn’t crawling and I’m trying to encourage it because it seems like everyone else’s babies crawled at 8 months but I guess he’ll do it on his own time. We’re still doing purées. I try solid food but whenever he touches it he doesn’t like the texture and will pull his hand back. I haven’t given up, though. I still haven’t fed him peanut butter or meat yet. I’ll get to it eventually. The meat I’m not too worried about. The peanut butter gives me anxiety just thinking about it. I wish I could feed it to him in a hospital just in case he’s allergic to it. He’s still waking up twice a night for a bottle. I have no clue how babies sleep all through the night. I try not to stress over it. I never thought I’d compare him to other babies but it’s finally happening and it sucks! I know every baby is different but sometimes I can’t help myself. Oh well.

We’ll be going on our trip in a few weeks and I’m getting so excited but also sad because I’m going to miss Levi and our pets so much. It’ll be really nice to get some uninterrupted sleep, though. Jesse has almost the whole month of January off because he’s taking the rest of his paternity leave now. It’ll really helpful since I’ve been working five days a week now. Works been pretty overwhelming lately. A lot of people have left recently which has put us short on staff so that’s why I’ve been working an extra day. Not going to lie, it’s really hard on me. I don’t want to complain but some days I just want to cry because I’m so exhausted and I miss having the extra day with Levi. At the end of the week I feel like Ive barely seen him or spent any time with him. I start to blame myself for him not advancing with foods or crawling because I’m not around. He’s with different family members every week and nothing’s consistent. Every person does different things with him and it’s out of my control. Sure, I could tell them what I want but he’s not in the same environment so it’ll always be different. Can you tell this stresses me out? You can tell me he’s fine but I’ll still always stress about it. To say I’m jealous of my friends who get to spend more time with their babies would be an understatement. Soak it all in mamas because you’re fucking lucky and it really sucks to work while your first born is growing and you feel like you’re missing everything. Yeah, I didn’t mean to complain but there it is. Nobody at work understands so I never really have anyone to talk to. They tell me they’re tired at work and I believe it because I know what that tired feels like, but my tired is much different.

This sort of brings me to my next discussion…since today is the last day of 2018, a lot of people are posting their best memories and top 9 photos of 2018. It’s awesome. That’s why social media is great, because you can share things that made/make you happy and share beautiful photos. But it also sucks if you had a shit year and you go on social media and you’re reminded that your year sucked compared to the person who got the job promotion or the person who bought a house. Listen, I totally get it. My year started off grieving over the loss of someone so so special to me (it’s her birthday today, btw). Then I ended up in the hospital due to my blood sugars and I wasn’t sure how my unborn baby was doing and every day I’d fear I’d lose him or if I ate a cookie that I’d somehow make him deformed or whatever. I also felt really isolated during my pregnancy. Jesse played a lot of video games and when he’d come home I’d just go into the baby’s room or my room and sit and listen to music or go on my phone. I was always alone. It was depressing as hell. The greatest day of the year was when Levi was born, no doubt. But after he was born I felt sick and vomited right after. Then trying to breastfeed was a nightmare so I dealt with that battle. During my time off I actually gained weight so I was extremely self conscious and I remember never wanting anyone to see me because I hated my body and I hated how I looked in any type of clothing. My thighs got bigger, my stomach was different. Then I dealt with a new bodily issue. I haven’t talked about it on here yet but I guess today’s the day. I used to deal with having what I thought was IBS. I never had issues going to the bathroom. Now, I go maybe once a day or maybe once every couple days. Every Bowel movement hurts. No matter how much water or fiber I intake, it hurts. Yes, I’ve gotten checked out and supposedly everything is fine. But that sucks. It’s gotten a little better but it’s still painful. TMI should be my middle name, huh? After going back to work and always being stressed out I’ve dealt with a lot of my own demons that I try to suppress. I get mad easily and it’s actually embarrassing. Jesse puts up with a lot from me and my roller coaster of Emotions. I’m trying to figure myself out and how I can stay more calm but I feel anxious a lot. Lately I’ve been so sad about life and where I’m at. If you looked at my life you might think I have it all but when I see it, there’s so much more that I want and that’s my problem. I have so much and I’m so grateful but sometimes it’s easy to go on social media and compare lives. I’m kind of writing all of this so that if anyone feels like they had a crappy year and are comparing themselves to everyone who had a great year…don’t worry you’re not alone! Maybe my year doesn’t sound difficult to you but it was for me. There’s a lot of comparing myself to others or comparing Levi to other babies. Work stresses me out and now that I’m working five days and barely being able to spend time with Levi, I’m always sad. Like, always. Nobody gets it though. When I talk about it I feel like they just thinking I’m whining. I’m so glad I’m able to work and have a job and making money is awesome but it’s like I’m trying to get a breath of fresh air and I just keep sinking. It’s really hard.

I’d say my year was amazing because I have the perfect, sweetest, cutest baby boy that I’m so obsessed with but I also had a very very hard year dealing with my mental health. I’m still struggling. The holidays have been nice but also sad because of my nana not being here so it’s been hard to enjoy 100%. I’m lucky to have a partner that sticks by my side through all my personal hardships, and our own. We’ve argued a lot this year. Having a baby is hard work and things get tough sometimes but I have to say that our love for each other and our family outweighs all the bad. Our relationship will never be perfect (nobody’s is no matter how hard you try to front on Instagram!) but it is worth it. I wouldn’t trade my little family for the world. I love us.

So I hope this new year will bring good health and plenty of happiness to anyone reading this. Just remember that any type of hardship you face, you can and will get through it. I promise.

Happy new year everyone.

Christmas Pictures & Stressful Work Week.

I’m finally sharing my Christmas pictures that I took a couple of weeks ago with family and friends! I was trying to keep it a secret because I wanted our Christmas cards to be a surprise. I absolutely love how they turned out, even though Levi was pretty confused the entire process, haha. On the way to our appointment he fell asleep in the car so when we got there he had no idea what was going on. We couldn’t really get him to smile much but he wasn’t fussy until the very end, so I’d say it was still successful! I’ve always wanted to do a family Christmas card so I forced Jesse to do this with me and I’ll continue to force him to do it every year…hehe.

Last week I worked five days instead of my usual four and by the end of Saturday I was pretty beat. I was extremely sad because I felt like I hadn’t been with Levi all week because after getting home I only had a couple of hours with him until it was bed time and then we did the same thing the next day, and the next. I have no idea how some parents do it! Obviously it’s kind of a must to work unless your partner makes good money for you not to…Anyways, yeah, I definitely cried about it because I just missed him so much. I can’t expect my coworkers to understand the feeling so I don’t talk about it much. Levi’s been extremely fussy the past few days, too, so I’ve been a bit sleep deprived as well. Jesse was really nice and let me sleep in today (I slept until 7:30) and I took a nap with Levi earlier today which lasted about an hour so that was also quite nice and much needed. We think his top teeth must be coming in because he’s been sucking his bottom lip a lot which is what he did before his bottom teeth came in.

Speaking of Levi, I’ve been feeling like I haven’t been moving as fast as other moms when it comes to introducing solid food. Today I tried scrambled eggs and he gagged so I’ll try them again another day. Maybe the texture? I still haven’t done meat. I wanted to make some sort of soup with chicken and then puree it so that might be done later on in the week. I’ve been wanting to do that for the past few weeks and just haven’t gotten around to it so I need to force myself to do it. Not like meat is a necessity by the way because if I was a vegetarian or vegan I probably would never introduce it to him so I guess that isn’t a huge deal. I’m probably going to introduce peanut butter soon, too. I read to introduce it between 6-8 months instead of the 12 months it used to be. I don’t know. There’s just too many rules and I get all caught up in stuff and I get scared to do it. I also feel like I don’t have as much time as other moms because I’m just go go go and I don’t feed him most of his meals because breakfast and lunch is usually fed by whoever’s watching him that day.

Lately I’ve been wanting to get back into reading, not sure if I mentioned this before but I want to get myself off of social media and into something more mentally stimulating. I know that I’m on my phone for longer than I’d like to admit. I do have to say that I have  cut back a lot since having Levi because I’m so preoccupied with other things, but in my spare time I’m just scrolling and with scrolling comes comparing my life to other people’s lives which isn’t a good thing. I just ordered a book and it came yesterday so I plan on diving into that when I can. My last book took me a while to read because of life just getting in the way and me not having much down time, so I’m sure this book might take some time also. Last week was so exhausting that after I’d put Levi down to sleep I’d go to sleep soon after that. Like, before 10pm or even before 9:30. Maybe that’s late to some but that’s really early for me compared to the time I used to go to bed at.

I’ve also been missing being pregnant lately. I loved my bump and I loved how I looked. Isn’t that wild? Sure I had some aches and pains and walking would get uncomfortable at times but I really miss feeling those little kicks and knowing there was a little baby inside of me. I had a dream recently where I was laying in bed and felt kicks in my stomach and I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive and I was so happy! I was also scared because of my diabetes but I woke up kind of sad that it wasn’t true! Don’t worry, we’re not having another baby anytime soon but we’re going to discuss it more when Levi is a year old. It makes me sad that I can’t be like a “normal” woman and just get off of my BC and be like, “yeah lets try!” because I have to go see a doctor and work really hard to get my blood sugars good and then begin to try to have a baby. I guess it’s just more work for me compared to non-diabetics but it makes me happy that I successfully did it once so I know I can do it again! I’ve always wanted a big family since I didn’t have one so Jesse and I both agree that we want four kids. Minimum of three. I know you’re probably thinking we’re crazy and maybe after our second I won’t want any more but I really want all the babies! I want my house and heart to be full even though I know it’ll be chaotic and everyone will drive me nuts, haha.

This week I have Thursday off so I’m excited to spend time with Levi. Christmas is approaching a bit too fast and I’m not sure how I feel about it. After having Levi I couldn’t wait for the holidays but now I wish I could soak them in a bit more. These weeks are flying by and it makes me sad because I want to slow it all down and enjoy everyone in my life. I’ve been thinking about my Nana a lot and I’ve had random bursts of crying when I think of her so I think it just makes me want to be around my mom a little more. Life can be really hectic sometimes and spending time with people you love may get overlooked but it’s really important to just stop for a second and make time for them! Hope everyone has an easier week than I did last week and don’t forget to tell your loved ones how much you love them and even pay them a little visit!


Trip to Monterey.

We took Levi to Monterey over the weekend and he was SO good! I knew I had such a good baby but it wasn’t until we went on this trip to really realize it. He was great in the car (we strategized to drive during his usual nap hours) and he was great when we ate at restaurants. He was super silly and talkative during this trip. I’ve never heard him babble so much before and we couldn’t stop laughing at how funny it was. Unfortunately, it was free admission to people in surrounding communities (something like that…) so the aquarium was PACKED and we weren’t able to enjoy it at all and we couldn’t see the fish because there were crowds of people everywhere. It was pretty crappy but we still really enjoyed the small getaway. After this little vacation Jesse and I have no idea how we’re going to go to the east coast in January without Levi. We’ll most likely cry, haha.

How’s everyone with their Christmas shopping?? While we were in Monterey we went to this shopping center and got some shopping done for a few family members so that was nice! I was going to shop online but hey if I can skip the shipping fee then I most definitely will! To be honest, it’s really hard not to shop for myself when I’m out and about. I just love clothes and shoes but if you see me you’ll never guess because I’m no fashionista. I wish I could be but I prioritize being comfortable. I love shopping for jeans and shoes, those are my favorites! Now that I work out I actually am always on the hunt for affordable workout leggings. I’m pretty picky so I usually never find anything I like or in my price range. Oh well!

Last night I had somewhat of an epiphany (while I was awake from 2AM to 4AM because of Levi) and I realized that I might want to go back to school. I told myself I’d never go back because I hated it so much but I’m torn between wanting to make good money and  potentially being a stay at home mom in the future when I have more kids. I don’t think I could be a SAHM right now because I’d get bored and lose my mind so I’m happy that I work right now even though it makes me sad sometimes. So yeah, then there’s the other side of me that wants to go to school and have a career so I can save money and obviously make a lot more money than I do right now. I love working because I love being able to take care of my bills myself and buy myself things whenever I want but I also want to be at home and take care of Levi and be with him so I don’t miss out on anything. I think this paragraph will be all over the place but what I’m trying to get at is I’m looking into going back to school to become an Ultrasound Technician or maybe even something else that interests me. I was looking into more of a trade school because I don’t feel like going back to college and taking unnecessary classes unrelated to what my career would be. So it’s something new that I need to look into a bit more. I don’t know how I’d be able to work full time and take care of a baby at the same time as going to school so some things would have to change and quite possibly we’d even have to move depending on where the school is located. Jesse fully supports me if I decided to go back to school and he even said he’d be fine with moving if we had to. We’d just find a place to rent and rent out our house while we were gone. Anyways, we’ll see what happens but that’s currently what’s going on in my head lately.

I brought Levi to my work today because it was a coworkers last day and we had a mini potluck for him and Levi did so well, again! I love that people can hold him and he doesn’t freak out. I had him take a peek at the dogs and cats that are in the shelter and I think he liked the cats more 🙂 He loves our cat at home! Speaking of work, I’ll have to work all week this week and I’ll only have today and Sunday off, unlike my usual Monday, Thursday and Sunday. I’m pretty anxious about it because the house is a mess already and I know I’ll be exhausted by the end of the week. It’ll be nice to have the extra day on my paycheck so that’s what I’m keeping my focus on. I still have so  much respect for any parent who works full time or even has multiple jobs and still comes home to take care of their children. It is TOUGH. I guess it could also depend on your job but since mine is so physically exhausting it’s really hard for me at the end of the week. Like, I’m so tired and I go to bed super early during the week. I’m talking like 9pm and I’m out like a light.

Ah, I know I mentioned I’d share a recipe on here but I completely forgot! Maybe while I’m at work tomorrow I’ll post it on my lunchbreak, that’ll give me something to do! I’ve been wanting to get back into reading again and I have a bunch of books in my Amazon basket that I have yet to buy so I think I’ll order myself a book right now! Hope you all have a good rest of your week and pray for me that I don’t tap out by Thursday with how tired I’m going to be at work, haha.

7 Months + 1 Week Postpartum.

YOU GUYS! We got our Christmas tree yesterday! A real one! Jesse’s been wanting a real Christmas tree for a while now and I finally jumped on board with it. I really like the ease of a fake one that already has the lights attached to it but I have to say, I love how much cozier a real one makes our home. It makes Levi’s first Christmas more special. We found the perfect size and I couldn’t be more pleased with it. Time to go find some Christmas tree lights and then I can decorate it! I might go out with Levi today to get some lights. Yesterday we had a lot of errands to run and he did so well! He makes his parents proud!

I had my workout this morning and I woke up feeling so good! I mean, my stomach is a little bloated for whatever reason but I bought myself new workout leggings yesterday in a smaller size than what I was wearing before and it’s so funny how little things like that can really boost your self confidence. I am still not anywhere near where I was pre baby but I’m damn proud of how far I’ve come! I notice myself having a lot more muscle and being stronger overall. I’m really in love with this whole process. It’s amazing and I don’t plan on quitting. I’m already talking to Jesse about signing up for a gym membership when this is all over with. Unless you make a lot of money, a personal trainer is really expensive and we can’t really afford it. I’m lucky that I’m getting help right now but I don’t expect this help forever, you know? It’s just not practical. I’m really going to miss my trainer, though. I really like her and when I workout it’s almost as if I’m hanging out with a friend at the same time. I have no clue if she feels the same way, haha. I’m sure she just considers herself spending time with a client (obviously) but I like to think that I’m hanging out with a friend, it makes it more enjoyable for me.

Anyways, I’m really looking forward to this upcoming weekend because we’re taking a trip down to Monterey. It’ll only be for a night but I’m really excited to take Levi to the aquarium! I love watching him take in new things. I always wonder what his thoughts are when experiencing something new. I’m hoping he’ll be ok on the drive there, it isn’t super far away but lets hope that he’ll end up sleeping on the way! Life is going well, guys. I still have really hard days sometimes. Okay, a lot of days are difficult but the ones that are good really are good and set me up to having a somewhat of a successful week. Having a good weekend is really crucial. Cleaning the house, having fun with my family, and setting up the meals for the week are my top priority. I always want to share recipe’s on here but I always forget so later on I’m going to try and share my dinner (with pictures) and the recipe! Chicken enchiladas are on the menu tonight, with a Verde enchilada sauce!

Our pets have been amazing with Levi. Wilson (pictured above) actually doesn’t care about Levi at all! I’m so lucky to have a dog that’s not all up in my baby’s face. We still try to keep them apart just in case! Sometimes people don’t realize how dangerous their pets can be around a new baby! Your lovely Fido can be the best dog ever who’s never bit a soul, but once your baby pulls on his fur or runs into his feet with a walker, things can change! Protect your pets and your babies! It’s so so important. Our cat is the same. She doesn’t go near Levi but he’s obsessed with her so he tries to go near her with his walker and she usually just runs away 😂

I Am A Bad Friend.

So this is going to be a super random post but it’s been on my mind a lot recently so I feel like writing about it will help my work through things that I’m dealing with/have dealt with. To begin, I’m going to say that this is just what I think of myself. I’ve never had anyone tell this to me personally, although I feel like they’ve probably thought it.

Growing up I had best friends but I feel like we were only best friends because we were little and probably somewhat forced to be. Of course I loved them (and still do!) but looking back, I wish I didn’t rely so much on the label “best friend” because it limited me. I was an extremely jealous child and I mean it when I say extremely. Whenever one of my best friends hung out with someone else I would be absolutely crushed. Like, I’d cry about it. I’d get so jealous and then I’d get so sad that I’d think that they chose them over me. In reality, they didn’t choose anyone over me, they just played with someone else for a little while. It’s a good thing to have multiple friends as a child and I will enforce that on my own so he doesn’t get stuck in this world of thinking you can only have one friend and they can only have one friend. Anyways, being this jealous child only seemed to make things worse for me. At school I only had one best friend and I remember a specific time when I was absent from school and somehow someone told me she hung out with a girl I didn’t like while I was out. I was livid. I remember calling her and asking her why she hung out with her and her being completely scared of me. Or at least, I would think she would have been because she’s getting in “trouble” by her own friend! God, I can’t believe I was actually that possessive over friends. I feel like it completely isolated me because when I didn’t have them, I had no one.

Fast forward to high school and I really grew out of that awful phase. I think I really grew out of it when I had to move to another city and had no friends at all and had to make them on my own and I had made quite a few acquaintances that maybe I stopped being so jealous because I had options? Not to say that friends are considered options at all but I think it just took me out of that old environment of only being around the same girl friends for my entire childhood. Now I had new friends to talk to and it really opened me up since I was a super shy kid before. In high school I had about three or four different best friends and sometimes we’d argue so I’d hang out with another one more than the other or maybe two didn’t get along all the time so I’d just be with them separately. It just depended on what was going on at different stages in our relationships throughout those four years. Towards the end I was completely alone, though. One went off and hung out with a different group of friends and I feel like completely ditched me. Two got super close and also gave out vibes of not wanting to be around me and the fourth one I actually don’t remember why we stopped talking but regardless, I remember being alone a lot my senior year of high school. I could probably write a book of what I recall happening and how my feelings were hurt by multiple best friends but that’s pointless now because we’re all so different and I can say that I am not the same person I was back then and neither are they. I actually hate who I used to be. I was kind of an asshole and I’m not proud of it. I was never really jealous that my close friends hung out with other people but I was jealous that they got more attention. They had more friends or more guys were interested in them or they were way prettier than I was. I considered myself the fat, ugly friend. Looking back I wasn’t fat but compared to them, I was definitely chubbier and not as pretty. This made me a horrible friend. I was going through my own insecurities that I don’t think I was there for them when they were down. Maybe I was and I can’t remember. I said awful things to them when I was upset sometimes and I actually can’t believe they befriended me afterwards. I said awful things because I was hurt by them and I wanted them to be just as hurt as me but that’s no excuse.

Enter the after high school years and me really having no one besides Jesse. He was the only best friend (and boyfriend) I had with me through thick and thin. We used to fight all the time but he never wanted to leave me. No matter what happened between us he stuck by our relationship. Being alone and going through what I went through in that last high school year made me like being alone. I never wanted to be close to anyone. Anytime someone wanted to hang out with me I’d hesitate. Sure I’d go out occasionally but I always just wanted to go back home and be with Jesse. I’m actually still like that to this day. I have a group of close girl friends now but when I think about it, there’s a lot they still don’t know about me or that I won’t tell them even though I know I talk a lot. I was told once that I talk about myself a lot and I noticed that it’s true. Looking deeper into it, I talk about myself because I try to relate to other people by doing that. Like, “Oh I love eating xyz food!” and maybe they’re eating xyz food or maybe I’m trying to see if they like that same food so we can talk about it. Get it? Or I’ll talk about my weekend or my day to just talk so the room isn’t silent. I know I could probably ask them what they did over the weekend to start conversation but my brain just never works that way.  I don’t know where I’m going with this now but basically, I’m terrified of having anyone labeled as my only Best Friend. I don’t want to rely on anyone for anything. I’m terrified of letting them down by being an asshole or I’m terrified of them letting me down since I tend to have high expectations. Yesterday I cried because of something a friend did to me. I’m 26 and I cried over what was probably nothing but my feelings were really hurt. This friend of mine actually has no clue that she hurt me and she never will because I’ll never bring it up. If I brought it up then that would mean we were really close, right? If I brought it up and it turned into an argument and we stopped talking then I’d really be hurt. So I choose to move on and put it in the past and act like nothing happened because she’ll never know.

There are times when I feel like I am an amazing friend. I’d do anything to make my friend happy and I’d bend over backwards for them so when they don’t do what I’d do for them I get pretty upset over it. I’ve had this happen to me multiple times, where I’d choose my friend before anything and I’d do whatever to make them happy when they’re down. Then when I’m down they’re not around or they don’t have time for me. Maybe they are shitty friends, I don’t know. Or maybe my expectations are too high. Regardless, I’d rather not have to think too much about it. I let people in but I keep them at a distance. I don’t want anyone to think of me as being their go to friend to call when they’re down. I don’t want me to be the one they invite everywhere. I’m absolutely terrified of being let down or letting them down. In my head, this is what makes me a bad friend. I’m awful with handling others’ emotions. When someone starts crying, I start crying. If they’re upset I honestly never know what to truly say to them to make them feel better. I’m not sure how I got this way because I literally went to school to become a therapist. I never got passed my AA degree because I lost interest but I probably would have been awful at it. Could you imagine me just crying with a patient and never actually helping them through any of their problems? Sheesh.

If you are my friend and you’re reading this, I love you. If you consider me your close friend, thank you for finding something in me to want to be friends with me. Thanks for probably knowing that I suck and still talking to me anyways. I know I’m terrible at keeping in touch and hanging out with everyone. It takes a lot to get me out of my house, so you’re not the only friend that this happens to. It’s not you, it’s definitely me. I’m sorry.

7 Months Postpartum.

How was everyone’s Thanksgiving?? If you celebrate, I hope you were able to eat some good food! Levi had his first taste of mashed potatoes and gravy, which he wasn’t a big fan of, haha. Since Levi’s two bottom teeth have started to come in he’s been quite fussy! It’s kind of hard to keep him happy for as long as before. I just have to remind myself that it’ll pass and one day this will all be a distant memory, ha! No but really, it just means he needs extra love and cuddles when he’s upset and that’s fine with us (even though it can be stressful sometimes when we’re trying to get things done). He’s the cutest chunk in all the land I swear. Yesterday we went and got photo’s taken at the mall with his cousins and we got some really cute photo’s! He was pretty fussy yesterday but it wasn’t that horrible to where he wouldn’t take pictures. His new favorite thing is “baby shark” on YouTube so Jesse played the video over the photographers head to get him to look in her direction. He had a really cute outfit on and while we were leaving, my SIL realized that he had wet himself and it went through his clothes. Luckily his pants were black so you couldn’t even see. For some reason when I dress him up in cute clothes I just want to take them all off and put him in sweats and comfy shirt. I just like him to be comfortable, ya know? Is anyone else this way?

Well, since I ate pretty bad the past few days I need to get myself back on track. I did really well yesterday and I’m hoping I’ll end today with staying under my calorie goal. I had an awesome workout this morning. I was telling Jordan, my trainer, that I love that I’m not sweating at the gym but I know I’m still getting in a great workout. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to leave the gym all sweaty and gross and feeling accomplished but you don’t always have to be sweaty! I absolutely love working with weights and seeing the results of me getting stronger. Today we did a workout that I remember being awful at and not being able to do it right, to now doing it with ease. The workout was still tough and I could definitely feel the burn but it was easier for me to do….if that makes any sense. In regards to my diabetes, it’s been alright. I was thinking in my head earlier today how I used to be able to eat or snack on whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted growing up. It’s insane how your body can just change on you and your whole world gets flipped upside down. That’s what becoming a diabetic did to me at least. Everything I was used to was out the window. I’ll never be able to eat without thinking anything about how many carbs it has or how it’ll effect my sugars. Although I’m used to this new life of mine, I still get a little envious of the people who don’t have to worry about food like I do. I don’t like to dwell on my disease so I try not to talk about it often but sometimes I wish I had someone to relate to. I don’t talk to Jesse about it much, sometimes I get sad that he still doesn’t understand it all the time but that’s not his fault. I try to act as normal as possible so I can understand why he treats me like I don’t have diabetes. He is really good at getting me whatever I need if I tell him I’m having a low so that’s always really helpful, and he does know all the terminology. He knows what my lancets, test strips, needles, and insulin pens are so that’s good enough for me!

Anyways, how is everyone doing with their Christmas shopping? Have you started yet? I started Jesse’s last month so I’m almost done with him and I’m working on the rest of my family. I get so overwhelmed! I try to make lists of what to get people so I can stay somewhat organized. I spent a lot of money over the weekend (and today) on stuff mostly for myself, oops… But hey! I needed that stuff. I literally only wear like two pairs of jeans so American Eagle was having a sale and I snagged a couple pairs from there, and then I bought myself some shoes because I’ve been wearing the same pair of boots for the past three years that I got at TJ Maxx and I feel like I need an upgrade! Also, rose gold Toms!? How could I not get those? Perfect for when you want to be dressed up but still casual! Okay, I went a little overboard but it could have been worse! At least I got everything on sale, right? I’m kind of cheap when it comes to clothes anyways because I always feel like I can find certain items cheaper somewhere else and then I’ll just wait until I do find it which can take forever it seems like!

I think this weekend we’re going to get a REAL Christmas tree! I’m super excited about it and also nervous?? Why am I nervous?? I feel like the tree is going to be a complete mess and I’m going to hate it but ya know, whatever Jesse wants, Jesse gets! No, not really. It’s mostly the other way around but in this case it applies to him, haha! He actually surprised me the other day with a new computer! I’m typing on it right now and I’m freaking obsessed! We went computer shopping a few weeks ago and the computer we liked was pretty expensive so we decided we’d wait or maybe look at others. Well, the computer went on sale because of Black Friday so he went out and bought it and surprised me with it when I got home from work! Goodbye MacBook Air! Geez, I think I’ve had that laptop for about 6 years now. I absolutely love my new desktop PC. I don’t think I’d go back to using a Mac to be honest with you! It’s just too expensive and not really necessary.

Levi just woke up from his (really) short nap so I gotta go help this babe be entertained since he’s a fuss monster. Lord help me!

6 Months + 4 Weeks Postpartum.

Anyone else feeling slightly overwhelmed lately with the holidays coming up? I know I am! As I sit here thinking of everything I need to do I’m feeling a rush of anxiety that I can’t seem to get rid of. It could be the coffee I drank earlier, though…I’ve been really excited to spend the holidays with Levi and watch him soak everything in like the christmas lights, tree, and gifts (mostly wanting to play with wrapping paper). I know he won’t actually care about the gifts themselves. I went to the dollar store by my house yesterday and found all the things I’d need to make a wreath and it turned out really cute! I highly recommend going there first if you plan on making your own wreath. They had small wreaths and fake flowers and pinecones, pretty much everything you’d need to decorate your wreath. I’ve gone a little crazy with shopping recently, more crazy than I’d like to admit but I can finally say that Jesse will probably have one of the best Christmas’ of all time! I think I’ve got some really good gifts for him. He’s the type of person to always buy himself everything he needs so when Christmas comes around he’s so hard to shop for! I’m not sure what we’ll end up getting Levi because I already know he’ll be spoiled by family members. Our house is really small so I hope we don’t have a bunch of bulky toys! We’ll see, though.

I had a good weekend! I had Saturday off to go to my friends son’s first birthday party and Sunday was spent just with Jesse and Levi. I don’t get to have both Saturday’s and Sunday’s off so it made me kind of sad that it couldn’t be my normal. I’m totally jealous of those who get both days off! I like having days off during the week too, though. It’s nice being able to go out and about and the stores aren’t jam packed with people.

I had a great workout this morning. I really enjoyed it. We’ve been doing a lot with weights and it’s really tough but I can’t imagine doing anything else! I attempted yoga yesterday and I just can’t do it. It’s way too slow for me and it’s hard for me to not want to get up and run around. It could be because I did a beginners video on YouTube and was quite bored with it to be honest.  I’m not saying it’s not difficult, though! I’ve seen some of the poses that people do and they look really hard and I know I definitely can’t do those without having a ton of practice. I weighed myself yesterday and I was quite happy with the results! I’m trying really hard to be in a calorie deficit. I’m not saying I’ve been eating salads all day long because I definitely haven’t. Yesterday I had sushi and a cauliflower crust pizza (not for one meal, gross!). I’ve just been choosing wisely so that I can still eat yummy foods when I want to. I’m definitely feeling so much more confident lately. I’m still not 100% and most photo’s of myself I tend to hate and despise but I feel good enough to get dressed and go outside! That’s an improvement, haha. It was only a couple months ago where I remember not even wanting to leave my house because I hated myself so much. Yikes. The road to being happy with myself after having a baby has (and still is) been quite the journey. I only wish I could have been one of those new moms who embraces every little hiccup or sad day, but I’m not. Sad days are really sad for me. I know I don’t go into too much detail but I’m sure you can imagine if you’ve ever dealt with something similar.

Okay, enough about me and more about LEVI! Two days ago Jesse found TEETH! My little munchkin has two teeth on the bottom coming through! I almost cried! He’s growing so fast and I just want everything to slow down. He’s been sitting like a champ still and I’m trying to teach him the movements for crawling but I know that’ll happen within the next couple of months at his own pace. He’s been a little fussy but nothing terrible lately. I mean, it definitely sucks at night. He’s been waking up two hours after being put down and the only way to get him to go back to sleep is with a bottle unfortunately. I don’t want to bulk up my son even more than he already is but it’s the only thing that works! He still sleeps in his crib for a bit of the night and eventually makes his way into our bed, which I love. I don’t care what anyone has to say about it! I don’t care what other moms do with their children so I think it’s silly if anyone judges me. I love waking up next to him and his cute squishy face!

I hope everyone has a good holiday this week and gets to spend time with their loved ones! I’m so happy I don’t have to work on Thanksgiving this year. When you work with animals it’s kind of hard to get holiday’s off because they need love and care, too! Since it’s giving season, be sure to look into how you can help donate to all of the California fire victims! A lot of people on social media only mention the southern California fire but the northern California fire is 10x worse! Well, regardless of which fire is worse there are a lot of people who need assistance right now and any little donation really does make a difference!

6 Months + 3 Weeks Postpartum.

Oh My Goodness! My arms are completely dead after todays workout. They’re like noodles and I’m curious on how I’ll be able to pick Levi up throughout the day, haha. Well I had a good weekend! How was yours? I worked on Saturday which wasn’t bad but I couldn’t wait to go home of course. The air quality is so poor due to the fires here in California. Which, by the way, I feel like all the attention is going to the fire in southern California but the one in northern California is way worse!  Just a little FYI for those who don’t know!

I had ordered a pair of shoes for Levi and this kid has bigger feet than I thought. I mean, he’s only a size 3 but literally every place I look doesn’t have shoes in his size. Must be popular or something. I had to go to Nordstrom to find shoes for him. We bought him a pair of converse and vans and they make my heart melt, they’re so cute! Poor Levi, he’s been having some sort of rash on his cheeks lately and I have a suspicion it’s probably eczema or something so I’m just applying some balm/lotion on his cheeks to help. I’m not a perfume wearing girl so I just have to let his grandma’s know to lay off the perfume or smelly lotions when they watch him! What is it with grandma’s and their perfumes? Hi, mom! Haha 🙂

Other than my poor baby and his cheeks, he’s been a pretty happy boy as of late. I mean, he’s always pretty happy unless he’s tired but that’s normal baby behavior. Before I forget to mention this monumental thing, HE SLEPT FOR 8 HOURS STRAIGHT LAST NIGHT! It’ll probably be a one time thing with my luck but holy smokes, I feel like a brand new human being. It was my night last night and lets be real, us mama’s are the ones who get the least amount of sleep. Even when it’s Jesse’s “night” I still wake up early for work or the gym and he gets to sleep in a guaranteed two days a week when I take Levi to my family’s house in the morning on my way to work. So anyways, I woke up around 3AM freaking out thinking he was in the bed somehow buried under the pillows until I saw him on the monitor and I kind of just stared at it until I heard him make a sigh and then move, so I figured he was going to wake up. He didn’t! I woke up again around 5AM thinking, “holy shit is he alive?,” so I went to check on him and yes, he was alive and sleeping. He eventually woke up around 6 and was chatting in his crib so I continued to stay in bed until he started crying. Jesse woke up to go to the bathroom and ended up just getting Levi and bringing him downstairs so I could stay in bed even longer (what a saint). Needless to say, I’m in an extremely good mood today. This must be how other moms feel who have babies who sleep throughout the night. I really hope this isn’t a one time thing!

He was such a good boy yesterday when we went out and about to some stores. I love bringing him places with me now, I feel a lot more confident now that he can sit up. It just makes things easier if I have to put him in a cart. I’ve been in a weird mood to go shopping. I hate it because I have no money for shopping but I recently went through all of my sweatshirts and tossed out all of the really old ones, which was 90% of them. I think I deserve new sweaters and jackets! Plus, most of them didn’t fit me anymore anyways because they were so old. I also hate 90% of my shirts so I wish I could throw them all out and buy new ones but that’s not going to happen anytime soon! Side note, when I say “throw out” I mean donate of course!

I wasn’t going to mention this but the past several days have been super rough for me. I’m not sure why I’ve been so down and hard on myself but it happens. I’m still recovering from the hard week I had but I’m hopeful this week will be better. I haven’t had anything nice to say to myself, about myself. When I get this way I’m also an asshole to the ones around me, too. After having an argument with Jesse one night last week I woke up feeling terrible about everything. It’s not the best feeling in the world and I’m sure someone out there can relate. I think it’s a good thing that I can acknowledge where I was wrong and apologize. Some people struggle with that, I think. Anyways, I just wanted to mention it so that maybe if anyone else is going through a tough week or day that they can be hopeful that it’s almost over and to always acknowledge how you’re treating your loved ones because it’s never fair for others to suffer because you’re suffering. It’s hard to realize that sometimes but it’s necessary, in my opinion.

The baby is waking up from his nap so I shall go now but I’m sending all my love to anyone who’s suffering right now, especially to all the fire victims from northern and southern California.

6 Months + 2 Weeks Postpartum.

Today has been a GREAT day and it’s not even over with yet! Not every day goes really well. I mean, it has potential to somehow get ruined but lets hope it stays awesome *knocks on wood*.

I started my day out with my workout which was easy and much appreciated since I had a really bad sore neck the past week and today it’s finally 90% better. Once home I hung out with Levi (duh) and he took a two hour nap! I was able to watch a movie, Kindergarten Teacher on Netflix, and clean the house up a bit. Once he woke up we went to Ulta and Old Navy since I had to pick up a few things. It was my second outing with him by myself! Don’t judge me, either. Most of the time when we go do errands Jesse’s just always around and wants to tag along so we always do everything together, which I love by the way. Once we got home I played with Levi some more, gave him a bath, went through some of his old clothes, and now he’s down for his second nap of the day! I’m feeling really good mentally and I love it.

Last night I was so sad, almost to tears sad, that I had to essentially go back to our scheduled routine this week. I just wanted to be with my family some more before getting back to the work week. Sunday was so nice and I enjoyed our day together a lot. We went on a morning hike/walk with my really close friend and her boyfriend and dog. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m pretty much a home body or I just really prefer to be with my family on my day off because I feel like I never have enough time with them so hanging out with my friend for a little while was really nice. I actually want to do a little girls trip with a few other friends of mine and we’ve talked about it and are all down to do it! I think it would be so fun and much needed for all of us.

So anyways, while Levi is napping right now I have to just say that I’m freaking obsessed with him and how good of a baby he is. He’s just always happy! I mean, he has his fussy moments but they’re never a big deal really. We’ve been doing pretty good with the purees lately but I did buy some jarred baby food just to add flavors that I don’t have at home. I’m so curious on when to try peanut butter so if anyone has any advice let me know! This whole feeding thing is still confusing to me at times. I’m just going back and forth between Pinterest and my baby food book that I have. He’s sitting up so good now with hardly any assistance. He still loves going on walks and watching cars drive by, which is the cutest thing in the world. His hair still growing but still hasn’t flattened out completely so it just looks like fuzz still, haha. We’ve been doing a lot more tummy time to get him to want to crawl! Have I mentioned that I’m terrified of him becoming mobile?? Like, what am I going to do! My boy is growing up so much and my heart can’t take it!

Last week was a tiring, painful (due to my neck/upper back), but also really good week. I know I’m making progress with the weight loss as some jeans I wear often that I bought when I needed to buy bigger jeans are starting to become a bit looser on me. Things are happening, people! I already see a difference in my stomach. For a while I felt like I still looked 6 months preggo and it’s finally going down. I’ve been eating a cleaner diet and I think it’s working. I still have my bad days of course but I try not to beat myself up about it because there’s no point in doing that.

I’m starting to get really excited about my east coast trip that’s coming up in January! You might be thinking we’re crazy to visit the east coast during January, because I thought we were crazy, too. It’s going to be really fun and it’s going to be SO hard to leave Levi for several days so I’m hoping I don’t cry too much but I’m looking forward to spend time with Jesse. Something I love about us is that we travel. It might not be as often or as far as other couples but traveling is something we love to do together. We love experiencing new places together and new food! It’s always about the food for me, haha.

OH YEAH! Here’s some baby halloween pictures. He was sooooo cute! The costume didn’t fit so well because he’s a chunk but we got the cutest pictures of him! Enjoy 🙂