23 weeks.

So it’s been a little while…and I’ll be 24 weeks this Thursday. I wanted to share updates from the last couple of weeks!

First, let’s talk diabetes. I can’t seem to get myself about the 70% range (of being “in range”). 70% isn’t terrible…but it isn’t amazing either. I struggle with my lunches and dinners still. Eating too much without realizing or maybe just choosing the wrong foods. Idk. I’m not sure why I just can’t stay super strict. I was soo strict when I was pregnant with Levi and for some reason I’m more relaxed this time around. I just feel so sad sometimes because I wonder if I’m hurting my baby. And if I am, well, then it’s all my fault you know? Why can’t I have more dedication? What’s wrong with me? Even when I try I feel like I’m failing. I don’t know what to do really. With the holidays coming up I feel extra challenged. I remember doing well at thanksgiving with my first pregnancy. I worry about this thanksgiving…

In other news, baby was fine during the 2nd trimester ultrasound. And I covered my eyes while they looked at the sex of the baby so yes, it’s still a mystery to me! I was so relieved to find everything looking well and on track. The baby has been moving lots lately and still kicking pretty low but sometimes I’ll get a punch or something up higher in my belly. I love putting Levi’s hand on my stomach so he can feel it too. I truly do not care whether it’s a boy or a girl and maybe that’s why I just don’t care about finding out until they arrive into the world. Im so excited for their arrival and sometimes I wish I could just hold them right now. Last night I had a dream it was a girl and she was absolutely beautiful. It made me sad when my alarm went off because I didn’t want to wake up from the dream.

In terms of symptoms I’ve been dealing with, it’s mostly physical. I still have sciatica and now I’m experiencing a lot of pelvic pain. Mostly pain in my vagina (sorry tmi) or inner thighs. It’s extremely unpleasant and hurts to walk. After speaking with my doctor and work, I just try to limit my bending over but after working for a few hours I still end up in pain. I wish I could just stay home and not have to go to work, to be honest. It just hurts! I’ve discovered that I can no longer wear my vans. I wore them to the grocery store and immediately started being in pain while I was shopping. When I wear my athletic shoes, I don’t feel that way. So now I’m on the hunt for cute athletic shoes that still provide the comfort I need. I also bought myself a belly support band and I wear that to work. I’ve noticed it definitely helps! Other than all of that, I’m pretty good. I still have days where I wake up and am just so insecure and find my reflection absolutely repulsive. That really sucks.

Levi’s doing well. He’s such a happy boy and I freakin love him so much! I think he’s going to love being a big brother. Im trying to cherish all this time I have with him, where it’s just us 3. We’re taking him to Disneyland in a couple weeks and I’m hoping he has fun and enjoys it!

19 weeks.

Hello all.

I got back from my honeymoon on Monday and it was quite difficult to go back to work Wednesday. So difficult that I almost cried on the way, lol. Real life just set in ya know? Responsibilities and chores and just all the things got me down. Lots of stress. The only thing that made me excited to be home was seeing my son! God, I was so excited to see him. He was so happy to come home. I just love him so freaking much. Sometimes I truly believe he has to be the most loved kid in the world because we constantly hug and kiss him and tell him we love him. Spoiled in the best way possible, in my opinion!

Our honeymoon was great! Very relaxing and definitely what we needed. I look back now and I’m so happy we were able to spend that time together. It’s really hard to spend quality time together these days, sometimes I feel so out of sync with one another. My blood sugars were alright, sometimes hard to manage but I did the best I could and tried to give myself grace through it all, knowing it was a small moment in time for my pregnancy.

Speaking of blood sugars, I’m still not 100% where I’d like to be and it makes me sad because I’m already in my 5th month but according to my dr I’m doing well. I remember when I was pregnant last time, the dr kept telling me to ease up a little. So maybe I am doing quite alright this time? I just worry I’m gonna fuck up somehow and it’s scary. My best work is usually during the week since I have a solid routine of what I eat and when. I usually stay 70% in range and apparently that’s okay. I would rather be 80% but I can only keep trying.

As far as symptoms go, my mental health seems to be doing a lot better. I don’t feel depressed every single day anymore and I definitely feel less emotional. That was a wild 3-4 months not going to lie. It was really really hard and even harder because nobody really understood so I felt very isolated. I still get down sometimes but not as severe as before. My nausea is like 98% gone! Sometimes I’ll feel it if I’ve eaten too much or something, but no more nausea lasting all day/evening. Thank goodness!! I still have sciatic nerve pain, especially during the week when I work. My body starts to slowly shut down on me around 10-11am. It’s hard because my job can be super active and they are understanding but at the same time…what am I supposed to do? Sit down for hours doing nothing? Also, once the nerve pain starts to act up even sitting down starts to hurt, especially getting up. It’ll last all evening. I noticed I don’t experience any pain on the weekends and didn’t have any pain during my vacation. Not sure what’ll end up happening at work. Guess we’ll see.

I’m starting to get back into cooking which brings me so much joy! I’ve got this weeks dinners all planned out. Could be the weather change (it’s currently raining and I love it) or that I’m feeling better, don’t know for sure but I’ll take it while I can. I still eat pretty much the same foods and still loving my fruit for my snacks at work! Got a couple yogurts too. Also still loving hot Cheetos here and there, lol. It’s called balance okay?

OH YEAH! And I’m finally feeling the baby kick. Started around the end of week 17. It’s what I’ve been waiting for for so long and I just love it so much. It’s so reassuring to me and it’s just the best feeling to me. Levi loves talking to my belly sometimes to say hello to the baby. Thinking about him being a big brother melts my heart because he is so kind and gentle and good to me that I just get so happy our new baby will be blessed with a brother like him. How lucky.

Of course I have my moments of worry though. I worry how I’ll be able to be a mom of two and keep myself happy. Kids can definitely put a strain on a relationship and mental health. I know I already struggle, and definitely did struggle when Levi was a baby. I wonder how can I love this baby as much as Levi? Will I become a shitty parent? Am I already one? There’s just..,a lot. There’s so much excitement yet worry all at the same time. I’m not sure how I’ll do this but I’m sure I’ll get through it.

16 weeks.

Hiii!!

So I’ll be 17 weeks tomorrow (!!) but figured I’d let ya know how the last two weeks were. For one, still emotional but last week was probably the best week depression-wise. As in, I was in a good mood pretty much all week! It was great. This week is going pretty smoothly also but def don’t want to jinx myself here. We leave for Kauai next Wednesday and I am so freaking excited!! We’re going to be celebrating our one year anniversary and also our honeymoon since we didn’t get one last year.

I finally got some more maternity jeans in the mail and now I have three pairs instead of one lol. It just really makes all the difference because I like wearing jeans to work so I needed to have more! Speaking of work, I now have a 30 pound limit and it limits me from walking dogs weighing more than that. Bums me out but also it’s necessary. I’ve been dealing with a lot of sciatica pain daily and work has really been wearing out my body. Towards the middle of my shift my body just hurts and even when I sit down I don’t feel much relief. It really sucks and I’m hoping it somehow goes away eventually. I still get nauseated here and there, mostly after dinner or towards the evening.

My blood sugars were way out of whack for a few days last week and it finally dawned on me to adjust my settings. So far they’ve been doing well since then! Makes me really happy and proud. I got to see little one on Monday. The little feet made me shed a tear, they were so cute!! I’m kind of over doctor appointments already and all the appointments they want me to go to. Eye doctor, EKG??? I don’t understand that one but whatever. Oh and more bloodwork, lol. It really overwhelms me to be honest. It’s just a lot to do especially when I feel like I don’t have time.

Anyways, I will update more after our vacation!! I’m so stoked about it and I can’t believe it’s already coming up. I’ve waited all year for this!

14 weeks.

Okay so apologies for not writing week 13! I just felt like it was like all the others so I decided to skip. 14 weeks was similar, except I did have a few good days of little to no nausea. Some days are worse than others but luckily it’s not an every day thing anymore.

Other symptoms, which are somewhat the same, are constipation, sciatica, I some lower abdomen pain once last week and I just did a bunch of stretches that really seemed to help. I don’t have much food aversions but I still seem to be a little picky when it comes to dinner haha. So maybe I do? Idk lol. I still have extreme ups and downs (mostly downs). My OBGYN recommended I see a therapist so I need to get on that. I’ve just been procrastinating, big time. I just keep trying to tell myself I can work through it on my own but last week it definitely effected my work and that isn’t good at all. I see that as a red flag. I just get so sad or so mad really quickly and there’s just no control.

Diabetes wise, I’m doing alright. Probably could be better to be honest. I was in range 80% of the time and my doctor congratulated me on that so that was cool! Before, I had only been above 70. Today wasn’t the best day in range because I think something was wrong with my pump and I took too long to replace the cartridge so I was high for a while. I kept giving myself insulin and my blood sugars just wouldn’t budge! It was so frustrating! But I’m doing better now that it’s been changed.

I keep waiting to feel baby kick! I’m totally looking forward to that the most. It’s just an extra little reassuring thing that lets me know baby is okay. My next appointment is on the 4th so I’m already anticipating that!

12 weeks.

Man, last week was an absolute doozy if I do say so myself. Emotions are at an all time high. I hate to jump into something sad right at the beginning but I think not many women talk about depression during pregnancy. Or maybe they do, idk.

I have many different reasons for the things that make me sad these days. I think one huge one is my body. With Levi, I started at such a smaller weight and it took a while before I even started to show. I loved being pregnant and I loved how my body looked. I was so confident. Now, at 12 weeks (13 when you read this), my jeans are already too tight. I don’t feel attractive and my self esteem is very low. I wake up and go to sleep with my new belly, which is housing the most precious thing right now, but I’m having trouble accepting and loving it. I bought maternity jeans but they’re too big for me right now so they don’t fit. I don’t feel comfortable in any of my shirts either. It makes me not want to leave my house for anything. What’s the point when I have nothing to wear that makes me feel good? Or I’m wearing the same outfits over and over again. It just really bums me out. I keep wondering how I even have a husband when I feel so ugly and gross.

I’m also starting to feel very alone again. I know physically I’m not alone. Just mentally. Like I have nobody who can truly relate to me and how I feel. I spoke to my doctor and she recommends I seek out some therapy which I completely agree with. I think it would be really beneficial right now. I just have to take the jump and do it.

As far as other symptoms go, my nausea has gotten so much better. I actually cooked a lot! I’m having less food aversions. Starting to get full quite fast which I remember happening last time and it’s working out perfectly since my doctor wanted me to lower my carb intake anyways. I feel like my blood sugars are doing so much better, too. I’m trying really really hard to stay on track. I still have sciatica that mostly flares up at work when I’m on my feet all day. I should probably do some stretches for that but always forget.

Anyways, this isn’t very eventful! I could have found out the sex of the baby last week but didn’t. We are trying to stick to the plan of keeping it a surprise!

11 weeks.

So today I’m 12 weeks pregnant but let’s talk about the past week…

I am completely over this nausea. It’s kicking my ass. One minute I’m fine and the next I swear I’m going to throw up (I never do). I’m exhausted all the time. The sciatica in my butt cheek hurts like a biatch. My emotions are WILD. At least I don’t have too many food aversions and was able to cook about 3 times this past week! That’s a win for me because definitely hasn’t been a thing at all lately, lol.

I think I’m doing a lot better with my diabetes management. I’ve buckled down and have taken my carbs seriously and have been trying really hard to keep my max at 45. I will sometimes go to 50 or 60 because let’s be realistic here, I can’t always have 45g of carbs. But I try my best. I’m trying to make sure I eat more veggies (although carbs are still life). I did have one scary day yesterday though. I accidentally gave myself 15 UNITS of insulin instead of typing in 15g of carbs on my pump. When I noticed, I freaked out and immediately started to cry and panic. my thought was “how the fuck will I get out of this one?!” I drank about 2 Gatorades and put my pump on exercise mode to just slow down my basal insulin. I was at work when it happened so I had them call and ambulance. I luckily did not have to go to the hospital and my blood sugar actually stayed relatively high (200) but I was fine with that. Anything to prevent a tragic low!! Lows give me so much anxiety and scare me sooo much. I think if you’ve also experience a scary low that you can relate and understand how traumatic it can be.

There’s not much else to really update on?? I can’t think of any other specific things maybe other than me meeting with my high risk pregnancy doctor last Monday and that went well. I had the option to find out the sex of the baby along with the genetic testing and I declined! Am I crazy?? Are we really going to wait until baby is born?! We’re going to try, lol.

Omg in unrelated news, this past week was just emotional and so much happened especially with the Caldor fire! Our family cabin was sooo close to getting burned down and it SURVIVED! What are the chances?? It’s absolutely wild but we are so thankful. For some reason, even though I was worried, I was oddly calm about the whole thing as if I just knew our cabin would be fine. I didn’t wanna admit it to anyone at the time but I just wasn’t as nervous about it being damaged. I’m sure there’s some damage but at least it’s still standing and looks to be in good shape. I hope the fire doesn’t last too long because I feel so bad for everyone dealing with it right now. It’s got to be so exhausting, emotionally and physically (for the ones fighting it!).

Anyways, I bought some unisom so here’s hoping it helps with the nausea and knocks me out!

10 Weeks.

You might be wondering, where did the 9 weeks blog post go?? Well, friends, after having my appointment last Thursday, I was confirmed of being 10 weeks pregnant! Baby definitely grew and we got the perfect measurement. My due date is officially March 17th! A little Pisces baby 🐠. Is it weird I’m excited about that?? Haha.

I was so grateful to have a perfect ultrasound! It was just what I needed. I’ve been having pretty much the same symptoms as before. Breast soreness, shortness of breath, fatigue, getting up to pee all the time, nausea (especially in the evenings), sciatica, and some food aversions. The nausea isn’t so bad when I’m busy and moving around and staying busy which is why I don’t think it bothers me much at work. I’ve also been having some headaches here and there that I wasn’t sure was pregnancy related but ya never know! I’ve gotten less emotional so that’s good. For a while I was crying over every thing, happy or sad!

My blood sugars have been a lot better. My doctor finally mentioned to me that she’d like me to be more strict with how many carbs I eat for each meal/snack. Cue the tears now. I was so devastated because it took me a while to come back from that last time but hey, it’s for the baby so I gotta be strong and push through. I haven’t been super active in terms of working out. I tried but honestly I’m exhausted so I let myself rest.

I actually turn 11 weeks tomorrow so I figured I’d hurry up and post this before I forget. My next appointment is on Monday with the high risk pregnancy doctors so I’m excited for that, especially since I get to see baby again. I haven’t felt nauseated since I’ve gotten home today and although I love not feeling sick, it always worries me anyways!

8 Weeks.

I totally wrote an entire blog post on my computer and tried to copy and paste from my phone onto here and it wouldn’t work 🙃 so here’s me writing everything all over again! Well, from scratch actually because I can’t remember everything I said before.

8 weeks! The nausea is REAL. It comes in waves. One day I’ll be okay and the next it’s pretty much debilitating and I can’t do anything but lay down. Getting up to pee a million times in the middle of the night is the new norm. Food aversions like no freakin other!! Just the words of many foods make me want to throw up. Can’t say them, can’t hear them! The only foods I can consistently eat are smoothie bowls, overnight oats, fruit of all sorts, and crackers/chips. When it comes to meals, each day is different. I can’t eat the same meal twice which means I hardly cook and we eat out a lot. I have also been getting headaches every now and then. Still getting out of breath, too.

I feel like I’m growing already because I’m so bloated all the time and I just feel so uncomfortable in my clothes. It sucks because it’s getting to my head. I’m obviously a bigger person now than when I got pregnant with Levi, 3 years ago. I fear I won’t be able to lose the baby weight this time around since I couldn’t do it last time. Body acceptance is so hard when everyone else looks amazing after having kids. Well, everyone on social media. It’s so incredibly hard not to compare myself. I took a good break from Instagram and I felt myself getting happier so I think I need to do it again.

Anyways, I was really nervous with this pregnancy and couldn’t stop thinking about losing it. I had an appointment last week and saw the heartbeat and it made me feel so much better. Also the constant nausea is pretty reassuring, too. I have another appointment next week that I am excited for! It’s been hard for the doctors to really tell how far along I am because baby hardly shows up on the ultrasound since it’s so small. For sure I’m estimating 8 weeks this week since I was 7 last week when they measured.

Okay let’s talk diabetes! So my blood sugars have actually been quite good in my opinion! Besides the week that I was sick (those blood sugars were extremely stubborn!), I’ve been doing well. Im working with an amazing amazing nurse who checks on me weekly to update my insulin pump settings! Seriously, I thought I had good doctors last time with Levi but I think I have even better ones this time around. With Levi’s pregnancy I felt like I did everything on my own…and maybe that’s why I didn’t get much help? I’m not sure. I meet my high risk doctors at the end of the month so I’m sure I’ll be in good hands then, too!

After next weeks appointment I plan on telling more family members about being pregnant. I’ve just been enjoying keeping it to myself just because I’ve been paranoid. But the most beautiful thing happened to me two days ago, a ladybug landed on me! You might be thinking I’m crazy but once Jesse saw it and told me it was stuck in my hair, I immediately filled with joy and it’s like this wave of happiness just went over me. It’s like I *knew* everything was going to be alright. Ladybugs have always brought me good luck and usually are a sign that I will get whatever it is that I’m asking for. And I’ve been asking for a healthy, viable, pregnancy.

A 3 Year Old & 7 Weeks Pregnant

Okay so yes, I am pregnant! I have only told two friends and honestly, still enjoying keeping it to myself (and Jesse of course). I don’t want to tell anyone because then it won’t just be our secret anymore, ya know? I don’t want extra attention, I don’t know why. Honestly, when I first found out I wasn’t excited or sad, I was indifferent. And I feel guilty about that. Just a week prior I was crying over everyone getting pregnant and it not happening for me. We’ve been trying since January so I was feeling really down that it was taking so long this time around. I was using an ovulation test kit that also came with pregnancy tests. I didn’t get my period in June but I didn’t think much of it because my periods have been so irregular. I decided to take a pregnancy test and there was a faint positive. I seriously didn’t think much about it. Figured it was messed up and I’d try the next day. Next day came and I got the same result. I still didn’t believe it so I didn’t tell Jesse or freak out about it. I decided to get a Clearblue test at the store and it showed positive right away. I immediately showed Jesse and we both were speechless. Mostly in disbelief. I had convinced us both that I couldn’t get pregnant and that we’d never have kids again. Call me dramatic, whatever lol. So I made some phone calls with the doctor and the nurses on the phone said I was 7 weeks based on my last period. And then I started to freak out because I wasn’t having any symptoms. I had a meltdown and completely convinced myself I was having a missed miscarriage. Sobbing and all.

I was able to see an OBGYN for an ultrasound. Based on when I last ovulated (end of June) and my ultrasound, I was less than 5 weeks. They both added up. They said they don’t want to see me again until I’m at least 7 weeks to see if I’ve progressed. I have symptoms now and I’m officially 7 weeks and 1 day today. My doctors appointment is on Tuesday but I’ve been dealing with a cold this weekend that I’m praying I won’t have to cancel it. I feel like once we see the baby, then I’ll finally be able to relax a little and get excited.

My symptoms thus far are fatigue, sore breasts, shortness of breath, evening nausea, no desire to cook at all (happened with my last pregnancy), and having to go pee all the time! I’m trying to eat as healthy as possible with protein smoothies in the morning and still eating greens as long as I can tolerate them. My diet probably hasn’t been super great since we’ve been eating out a ton but I honestly cannot stand being in the kitchen to cook. It makes me sick. And tired.

So…I’ll try and do weekly updates with this pregnancy like my last. I found it to be very fun and cool to look back on. It’s already such a different pregnancy. We’re not sure if we want to find out the sex of the baby before it’s born. We might want to wait and make it a surprise. I also don’t plan on announcing my pregnancy to all of social media for a while. Still unsure when I’d want to tell my family too because, like I said before, I’m really enjoying just keeping it to myself.

Now onto my big three year old! I can’t believe Levi is going to be a big brother! He is seriously the best kid I could have ever imagined having. He’s so funny, positive, friendly, and sweet. He greets every morning with a “it’s a beautiful day mommy!” And is one of the most outgoing kids I’ve ever met. He has so much fun at the parks and can be quite demanding, lol. He’s got a leader personality and is always delegating the kids and telling them what to do. Definitely a great quality to have but also annoying, haha. He loves snuggling on the couch and still holds my hand. He’s so affectionate and we love it. Still sleeps with us in our bed but we don’t mind much as it provides us all with comfort. I remember feeling like such a shitty mom for letting him until I realized people all over the world do that and it’s completely normal! He’s obsessed with his hot wheels and trains. He’s going to start going to a pre-K daycare thing in the fall, twice a week. Luckily my parents are able to take him for me while I’m at work. He loves school and enjoyed going over the summer for summer school. His favorite food is avocado and loves avocado, cheese, and lettuce sandwiches. Still obsessed with applesauce and fig bars. His best friends are Kaleo and Charlotte. He loves Moka and Wilson. He says all the time he wants a baby brother/sister. Jesse taught him how to play video game called Rocket League so we let him play occasionally and he’s actually really good at it lol. He says his favorite color is blue and his favorite food is chocolate 😂 He is obsessed with swimming and is a little fish just like us when we were young. He jumps into the pool with no fear (wearing floaties of course).

There’s probably so much more I could add about him but I can’t think! I just love this age and love having conversations with him. He’s seriously the best and I am so excited for him to be a big brother 🥺

New Year, New Update

I’ve been so inconsistent with this website lately but honestly it’s more like an online journal, lol.

The year started out kind of on a bad foot by losing my family dog, Lexi. We had her for about 12/13 years and losing her was a punch to the gut. It happened in one day. I’m not going to go into details, but I just feel awful for my parents especially right now. When I think about grief and how I handle it, I’m not sure I really go about it the right away. Is there a right away? Probably not. I let myself cry but then I somewhat pretend the person/being is still here and that I just can’t see them anymore. For some reason it kind of helps me, in a weird way. I did that with my nana and I just tried to tell myself she was still here but I just didn’t go to her house or something anymore. Not gonna lie though, last year was tough around the holidays. I couldn’t get her out of my head and I was so unbelievably sad. I didn’t care about the holidays at all to be honest. I didn’t really care to celebrate or be around anyone. I went back to work at the end of December and was somewhat relieved to work Christmas Eve. I ended up getting sick (not COVID related) and had to leave work early that day anyways but I was almost…happy? that I didn’t have to be around anyone. I just wasn’t in it.

Anyways, 2021. I’m glad to be back working. I went back to my old job. I was really scared to make that decision but I ultimately had to do what I thought was best for me and my family at the time. Why is it that I care so fucking much about what others might think about me and my life decisions? I shouldn’t care at all but I base a lot of my decisions around that and I hate it. Okay, back to going back to work. I really enjoy it, it’s a lot easier that I imagined I suppose. Jesse is still unemployed so he’s a full time stay at home dad! While that alone stresses me out so much (him not working), I am grateful for him to be here so we don’t have to do any drop offs or day care. There’s a comforting feeling knowing my spouse is home with my child taking care of them so that I always know what they’re up to and constantly getting updates whenever I want them. We recently took a small trip to Monterey for Jesse’s 30th birthday and that was so fun! We rented electric bikes and just rode them along the water and it was so freaking beautiful. I really enjoyed the family getaway. California was technically under a stay at home order buutttttt I mean we didn’t do anything but be outdoors or in our hotel/car so I felt super safe. I don’t know, I feel like if we went on a plane and traveled out of the state or were around a whole bunch of people without wearing masks then that wouldn’t be a good idea, obviously. Speaking of COVID, are you going to get the vaccine? It’s such a tricky decision. It sucks because we don’t know the long term outcome but then it’s either that or contracting COVID and possibly dying? So like, wtf do we do you know? There’s already been two cases at work and it does make me kind of nervous but luckily we all wear masks at work and keep our distance and sanitize our work area quite often.

Okay, lets talk diabetes! Since this is kind of why I made this blog in the first place. Well, sort of. I feel like lately I’ve completely fallen off of trying to be a “good” diabetic. Stress and anxiety have really taken a toll on me and I just stopped caring as much or I guess I’m experiencing burnout. For a couple of nights lately I’ve been letting myself run kind of high without caring. Like coasting at 180. Some of it is my fault but also I haven’t been hearing my Dexcom high alerts go off because I’m in such a deep sleep I guess. I do really well during the day for the most part. It’s usually after dinner where I stop to care as much. I have an appointment with my endo’s nurse tomorrow and I’m not particularly excited since the last two days haven’t been the greatest and I’m not in the mood to be grilled on it but fuck it. Let’s just hope she’s not as awful as I’m assuming she’s going to be.

Mental health check: I’m alright. Lately most days are good days. Except right now, I suddenly got really emotional and overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like I absorb others’ energy so I’m just really down. Jesse took Levi for a walk outside so I could have some alone time to process. Sometimes I get caught up in the things I wish I had in life already and I don’t realize all that I already have and should be grateful for. Why isn’t this enough for me? I’ve always felt like I’ll never know what it’s like to experience being happy all of the time. Okay, wow, totally not saying I hate my life or that I’m never happy. I guess if you know, you know. This is probably where the toxicity of social media comes in to play with people’s lives. Seeing other peoples successes and wondering how they already achieved that and I haven’t even touched the surface. I’ve always felt a bit lost, though. Never really knowing what interested me enough to pursue it. And if something IS interesting, I talk myself out of pursuing it. I’m not smart enough. Don’t have the attention span. Don’t have the skills. Don’t have the time…etc. I wonder where I learned all of this self doubt from? I’ve always been this way with myself and I don’t know why and it’s a bitch to try to overcome.

That’s all I’m going to talk about when it comes to my mental health, lol. I’ve just decided it’s probably better not to overshare right now lol. Overall, if you’re reading, I’m okay. I think I just absorbed some weird energy and it’s throwing me off or something. I just hope the rest of this year picks up and we can all experience more JOY in this world. Is that a naïve thing to want? Joy can be anything, really. New pair of shoes. Spending time with family. Fresh flowers on the table. I don’t know…whatever.