Levi Is 9 Months Old.

Where did the time go? Technically he turned nine months old last week. It’s been quite a week since we got back from vacation. There’s been doctor visits and even an ambulance ride! A day after we got back from vacation I was able to book an appointment to see a speech and physical therapy pediatrician because of Levi’s lack of interest in solid foods. She gave us a ton of information and basically said that if he only wanted purees until 18 months, to let him eat purees until 18 months! Wild number in my opinion. I hope he gets used to solids before then but a mama can only hope, right? She gave us some tips and tricks to help move this process along and get him used to the textures of solid foods. So far, he isn’t a fan of the mesh feeder thing (don’t know the proper name so that’s what I’m  calling it). I’ve tried frozen banana which he wasn’t a big fan of and today I put spaghetti inside of it and he actually preferred sticking his hand in the spaghetti and sauce instead. I am happy about that one! He loved the spaghetti sauce. It had ground turkey in it so I made sure to break it up into smaller pieces and he enjoyed it a lot. He got fussy during our feeding so I pureed the leftovers and I’ll try feeding it to him later on tonight.

He just woke up from a  3 hour nap! I was able to sleep 2 of those hours with him and I feel a lot better too. My blood sugars were quite high when I woke up so I’m sure that’s why I was extra sleepy. Anyways, he’s been doing good with his naps and we don’t have any issues with him really. Some days of course are better than others but today he took some good naps! We went to the doctor today for his 9 month checkup and the doctor says he’s doing great. He says he’s measuring the size of most 15 month olds which I’m not surprised since he’s such a chunk. He’s 30 inches long and 26 pounds! The doctor said he isn’t concerned with Levi not crawling since Levi rolls around everywhere. You can put something somewhere and he’ll eventually roll his way over to it no matter where it is. We’re still doing a ton of tummy time so he’ll eventually learn to crawl, though. It’s one of my goals for him this month! Levi currently has a really bad cold so he’s been having a really bad cough and you can tell he has mucous in his throat because when he coughs, he’ll gag and then swallow which brings me to my next story…

Saturday morning he woke up with that nasty cough and I almost didn’t go to work that day because I was so worried about him. I had Jesse call the advice nurse and after all the questions she asked him, she said he was fine. Well, that night when I was feeding him before his bedtime he was being really fussy and then he’d cough that nasty cough and it would scare me. I decided to go downstairs to call the advice nurse again and while I was trying to get ahold of someone (so many automated prompts!), Levi started to projectile vomit. Jesse started freaking out which then made me freak out, so I hung up and called 911. They sent out an ambulance right away and while they were on their way, Levi was still throwing up. In the bathroom, in the bathtub, down the stairs, and in the sink. His face was all red and his eyes were watery and he looked like he was really having a hard time breathing right. I honestly thought our son was going to die. Like, really. It was so terrifying. When the ambulance got to my house Levi had stopped throwing up and was acting like he was completely fine. We decided to go on the ambulance to the hospital because I was afraid he was going to throw up in the car and I wouldn’t be able to help him like they would. The entire ride there he was content and hardly made a peep. His vitals all came back normal. At the hospital they checked his lungs and they said they were clear, which was my biggest concern. Levi really scared us that night. Apparently he was vomiting because of all the milk in his tummy and with him gagging when he coughed, it was probably his way of just getting everything out. He hasn’t thrown up since that night but I’m being really cautious with him. I was mostly terrified of this cough since the speech doctor told us that if he had watery eyes or a wet cough while eating it could mean that something is in his lungs so I was terrified of him getting pneumonia or something. He’s fine, he just has a bad cold unfortunately. The only remedy is for him to have some time in the cold air or steam and to just wait it out.

Besides all of that, he’s doing pretty good. He acts like the happy baby he always is. He talks all the time and loves to clap his hands and watch the cars go by. I still cannot believe he’s going to be a year old in three more months. We do let him watch TV sometimes (judge me all you want crazy moms!) and his favorite thing to watch is Paw Patrol. I don’t let him watch a lot of it because it bugs me when I look over and he’s just staring at the TV but he mostly watches it in the mornings when he wakes up. He still loves the Baby Shark video and I swear he dances to it now. Jesse went back to work today so Levi will be able to spend time with his family members again. Except things are about to change and I’m not sure how available some people will be so that’s a little stressful situation I’m in right now. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to work anymore but if I don’t work how will I get health insurance? If I didn’t have diabetes I guess I wouldn’t really care but I kind of have a serious disease to deal with so it makes a big difference. I’m not really sure what’s going to happen within the next couple of weeks. We’re going to be short staffed again and they’ll need me to work five days but I can hardly keep up with that already, and then throw on top not having anyone to watch my son? A big “WTF am I gunna do?!” moment. I guess we’ll deal with it when we have to deal with it…

 

My East Coast Trip.

Last Wednesday was the day Jesse and I flew to Boston and started our vacation! We were so sad to leave Levi behind, like really sad about it. The flight wasn’t too bad but it took about five hours, which is too long for us. I get stuck in the middle seat so I’m crammed in between Jesse and whoever else is sitting in the window seat. I’d love to have the window seat but I choose the middle to be close to Jesse since he loves the aisle seat since he’s a bigger human being (haha). I actually got lucky and had a very petite girl sitting next to me which meant I had a bit more room. We flew JetBlue for the first time and holy crap do they spoil you with snacks! Awesome! I probably ate a bit too much on this flight but I kept feeling I was hungry. Anyways, we couldn’t wait to land.

The weather in Boston was cold but it wasn’t too bad. I got an awesome coat from Old Navy that I wore throughout our entire vacation and it was amaaazing with the cold weather. Once we got to the hotel we decided to go out for a walk and see where we could have dinner. We found a cute little bar and restaurant and I kept things a bit light and had a steak salad and fries (ok, not so light). The food was really good! Where we were staying they had a bunch of shops close by so it was nice to walk around and do a little shopping. They have this really cheap clothing store called Primark and seriously, everything is really cheap but cute! Couldn’t pass it up.

The first full day in Boston consisted of us wandering around the city. There’s this brick line around the city called the “Freedom Trail” and it pretty much takes you to certain landmarks. We walked and ubered our way through the city and saw a bunch of stuff like Bunker Hill, old cemeteries, got pastries at the famous Mike’s Pastry, went by Fenway Park, went to the USS Constitution Museum, saw an entire lake that was frozen, and just explored our little hearts out! By the way, Boston is so beautiful! It was really clean there and there were hardly any homeless people on the streets. One thing though, is that everyone crosses the streets when they feel like it. They don’t wait for the sign to tell them to walk at crosswalks. They just go! It was weird to get into that habit while we were there. I read online beforehand that Boston was not a driving city and after being there, there’s no way in hell that I’d ever want to drive there. The roads are all windy and weird and don’t make sense compared to where I live. It kind of gave me anxiety while we were in the Ubers, haha. I’d definitely go back to visit again for sure, though. The food was good and the people weren’t too grumpy.

We actually went back to the airport the next day to rent a car to drive to New York. We didn’t fly there or get a taxi. I wasn’t feeling too good on this particular day. I kept feeling like I was about to get a fever or something, but I never did. Luckily I didn’t have to drive so I was able to sleep for most of the drive. We stopped in Connecticut to get lunch but we didn’t see much. There was a small part where it snowed while we were driving but it was excessive. We left Boston right in time before their storm hit and we escaped the snow! It took about four hours to get to New York and we had to drop the rental car off at JFK and then get picked up by an Uber to take us to our hotel. We almost had that rental car for a couple more days but decided not to. Thank goodness because I have no idea where we would have even parked in the city or how we would have been able to drive without running someone over. Like Boston, people just walk when there aren’t cars driving by even if their light is green. It’s insane!

When we finally got to our hotel and got settled in, we figured we’d walk to Times Square! We got an Uber to take us to a place to eat for dinner and then we walked to Times Square. We ate at this cute Mexican inspired restaurant and I had some bomb sweet potato and black bean tacos and corn esquites! 10/10 would recommend that place if I could remember the name. I actually wish I wrote the names down of restaurants but I didn’t! Arg, oh well. If you want my honest opinion of Times Square, it’s that I actually didn’t think it was that awesome. I mean, yeah, it’s all bright and lit up because of the huge screens but after being there for 10 or so minutes, I was ready to leave. Over it. Next.

Our first full day consisted of us going to the 9/11 Memorial and the museum. It’s incredibly sad and I didn’t take any photo’s inside because I just didn’t feel like it. I actually have no idea how people took photo’s of themselves smiling outside by the waterfall. Like, what?? Insane. I regret not getting the earphones because it would have been nice to have a guided tour. If I ever go back I’ll for sure do that. We then wanted to go check out the Statue of Liberty. Upon approaching the area that we were just going to look at her (not actually visit the statue) we were approached by this man selling tickets for a boat ride that gets you up close and personal. We decided to go for it because, why not? He took us to this sketchy bus which we waited forever for it to actually leave and take us to where we needed to go. Then it took us to New Jersey where we’d board this boat. New Jersey?! So weird, but we went along with it. We got on that bus around 1:50 and we didn’t go on that boat until 3! It was kind of ridiculous but we just went with the flow of things. We were able to get really good photo’s of The Statue of Liberty so I’m appreciative of that. We also got a good look at the Freedom Tower and the Brooklyn Bridge. It was freezing on that boat and it took a chunk out of our day but I’m glad we did it. After all of that and we were back in New York, we stayed in Chinatown and found a cute restaurant to have pasta in Little Italy. I knew I wanted authentic Italian pasta while I was in New York and I’m not sure how authentic it was or not but it was damn good and I have no regrets! I ended that night with a dessert and we then headed back to our hotel for the night.

The second day was supposed to be this big storm and we were supposed to experience a ton of snow. None of it happened! We got pretty lucky. It did rain but it wasn’t anything we couldn’t handle. We got bagels for breakfast and then headed toward Central Park where we walked around and then found a zoo inside! It was really cute and a nice, fun thing to do. We made our way towards Trump Tower (probably the only time a building would make me want to puke just walking by) and headed to Laduree for some macaroons. I’ve seen people post them on Instagram so you know I had to try them out! They were good and the shop was really cute! After all of that I knew we had to get some New York pizza! I’m not a big meat eater so I don’t often get slices of pizza with pepperoni and sausage on it but man oh man, was that pizza bomb digs! Just thinking about it now makes my mouth water. The pizza was the perfect thickness and had the right amount of sauce and cheese on it. Amazing! We went back to the hotel to hangout for a while before we went to see The Book of Mormon on broadway. I got the tickets as a gift for Jesse for Christmas and it just so happened to be on his birthday! It worked out great. He said it was one of the best presents he’s ever had so that made me really happy. It was a great show and made everyone laugh. After the show it was about 10pm and we hadn’t had dinner yet so we went to Shake Shack. It’s hard not to compare it to In n Out but the burger didn’t have anything on In n Out’s burger. The fries were pretty good, though. Jesse ordered their spicy chicken sandwich and that was really tasty and I wish I got that instead of my cheeseburger.

Monday, the day before we had to leave. It was FREEZING. It was 8 degrees outside but felt like -1 (according to the weather app) and it was awful. The wind hurt when it hit our faces so we put on our face masks that we brought (highly recommend). On this day we were home sick and tired from everything we had done in the past several days. We went out to a mall and walked around and did a little shopping, ate lunch, and then decided to head back to the hotel and do absolutely nothing. It was a perfect lazy day. We never left the hotel for the rest of the day. We ordered food to be delivered to the hotel. I was craving a burrito and he was fine with eating one too, so that’s exactly what we did. We watched tv and my phone was able to connect to the tv so we watched some stuff on Netflix, too.

We probably Facetime’d my parents 3-4 times a day to see and talk to Levi. We missed him SO much it was insane. But it was also nice to have time for ourselves and just be selfish for a small amount of time. It was the first time in 8 months that we had full nights of sleep without any interruption of a baby crying. I wouldn’t trade Levi waking us up in the middle of the night for the world, but it was nice to have a small break to get back on our toes. We both agreed that we don’t want to go on a vacation without him for a long while. We talked about him all the time and kept saying how much we loved him and how we wished we could hold him and squeeze him because he’s so dang cute. Ugh! The love for your own child is infinite. What a blessing he is to us! My parents had a good time with him which was awesome. They are great at being grandparents!

This concludes everything we did on our vacation! It already seems like it happened so long ago. Our flight home was 6 long hours and we were so ready to leave New York. It was a nice city and I highly recommend going if you’ve never been. I’m actually glad we went in the winter time because I couldn’t imagine going in the summer when it’s all hot and humid. I hate being hot. I actually wouldn’t mind going back when it’s in the spring or fall because I’d love to see how it is when all the tree’s have leaves on them. If you’re a foodie like me then you’ll love the city. Chinatown and Little Italy was where it was at for me. I ate so good but I’m really happy to be home and have home cooked meals. I’m sure I gained a few pounds but I’m not mad at it. We got lucky and had a gym at the hotel in Boston so I did workout once while we were there. If our hotel in New York had a gym we would have definitely worked out there but I guess the walking makes up for some of it, yeah? I’d also say that New York City is cleaner than San Francisco and the only real nasty thing we saw was a woman throwing up on the sidewalk. I actually ran past her because I didn’t want to listen or smell it. Yuck. Besides that, it was pretty nice.

I’m hoping I didn’t forget anything else to tell you all about. It was a great trip and I’m so happy that Jesse wanted to do this instead of Hawaii (which was what I originally wanted). If you’re debating on whether you want to take a trip with your significant other or a friend, just do it! Even if it’s only a couple hours away. Go! You won’t regret it.

The Final Countdown.

We leave in a couple days for the east coast! I am super excited but also super terrified and anxious. I know Levi will be fine but I still worry anyways. I have a feeling I’ll be crying when we leave him to go to the airport. Our flight is at 8AM so we’ll have to leave our house at 5 to make it there in time since we’re leaving out of San Francisco and there will be commute traffic. Whenever I think about it I start to get butterflies in my stomach because I’m nervous. If you didn’t know this about me, I actually don’t like San Francisco at all and whenever we go somewhere I always try to find flights out of Oakland because it’s closer. Anyways, we’ll be heading to Boston, MA first and then going to New York a few days later! I’ll be sure to take a lot of photo’s to share with you all!

So last week wasn’t too bad (from what I can remember). It was a lot of doing the same ol’ stuff. We think Wilson’s itching is coming from allergies that could be seasonal (did I already talk about this? whoops). We have meds to give him and a special shampoo to bathe him in to help with all the redness on his tummy. I’m extremely nervous to have my in-laws give him the medication on time. I just worry, you know? It sucks that this had to happen right before our trip and that I won’t be around to make sure he’s being cared for as much as he possibly can. I gave him a bath with the special shampoo today so he should be fine until we come back next week to have another bath. I worry a lot about him too while we’re going to be gone.

Levi finally ate shredded cheese for Jesse but hasn’t had any for me. Although he isn’t eating solids as fast as all the other babies I know of his age or older, I just need to not worry about it. He’ll get there eventually. Hopefully. I’m not going to give up! He’s such a joy to be around. I love when he babbles and screams, it’s music to my ears! Happy screams, that is. He still sleeps with us in bed, which I still love although I’m planning on putting him back into his crib once the weather gets warmer. It’s so cold at night that I just love having him with us to cuddle with. I remember always saying, “I’ll never let my baby sleep with us in the bed!” Totally judging other parents who did. Now look at me! Hypocrisy at it’s finest.

I posted a little body update video on my Instagram earlier because I was feeling so good about how far I’ve come. I was a little embarrassed at first but everyone’s got a body so like, who cares! Every woman is beautiful and unique in their own ways and it should be embraced completely. Whether you’ve given birth or not. It’s obviously so easy to say now that I’m feeling better about myself because I definitely didn’t have this mindset a few months ago. I was so ecstatic today and the other day when I tried on some pre baby jeans and they FIT! Like, didn’t have to suck in it at all. Sure, the number on the scale hasn’t gone down dramatically but it didn’t have to. I’ve lost body fat and gained muscle and I’m obsessed with everything I’ve been doing lately. I’ve really tried and I’m so proud of myself. Not every day is a good day. Yesterday I ate terribly and today was just OK, nothing great. I accept it and I move forward and continue to eat good. I don’t want to give this up. I’m totally bummed that my training is about to end soon. I’ll have to try to make all these gains on my own and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about it. I just hope I stay committed. I still haven’t signed up to a gym yet but there’s a new one close by that interests me so I plan on getting a free pass soon to try it out.

I feel like I haven’t talked about my blood sugars in a while. They were horrible a week ago and out of nowhere the past couple of days they’ve been awesome! Not sure what I was doing but they were pretty low actually that I seriously thought I was pregnant. I even took a test because they were shockingly low (not in a bad way). Pregnancy test is false, by the way. I must have just been doing really well with guessing carbs and doing the right amount of insulin! I did go high a couple of times today because I indulged a little. I finally got my Dexcom delivery and am wearing it right now! I should have never taken that break to be honest because it’s so helpful and it will be extremely helpful on this trip!

I have work tomorrow and then I’ll be staying at my parents house overnight so that it’ll be easier to leave in the morning instead of dropping Levi off at 5AM. I’ll try and write next Monday to talk about some of our adventures! Hope everyone has a great week 🙂

Stuffed Bell Peppers.

So I found this recipe online but I tweaked it a little to fit my own taste buds and what I had on hand! I will link the original recipe down at the bottom if anyone would like to try that one instead, but for this blog post you’ll be seeing mine!

I wanted to make something light but filling last week and I’ve actually never been a fan of stuffed bell peppers but it was the end of the week and I didn’t have much in my fridge. My mom used to make them and I always ate the filling and never ate the actual bell pepper. This recipe is different than what I grew up on and I think what makes them 10x better is that I don’t use green bell peppers! The peppers are nice and soft and totally delicious! Okay, enough of the rambling, let’s get to the recipe! (I actually don’t expect anyone to read this part because I never read these parts when searching a recipe but if you are reading this then hi! Hope you try this out and like it as much as I do!)

You’ll need…

  • 1lb Ground Meat, your choice (I’ve used ground turkey and ground beef and both work great)
  • 4 Bell Peppers (preferably red, orange, or yellow)
  • 1/2 Medium Onion, chopped
  • 2 Garlic Cloves, minced
  • 1/2 Can Diced Tomatoes (or a whole can if you want)
  • 3/4 Cup Frozen Corn & Bean Mixture (I found a southwest blend of frozen veggies at the store)
  • 2 Cups Cooked Rice (any kind you’d like, I used Minute Rice because it was quick)
  • 1 tbsp Chili Powder
  • 1/2 tbsp Cumin
  • 1 tsp Salt
  • 1/2 tsp Pepper
  • Shredded Cheese of your choice (Pepper jack, Monterey Jack, Mexican Blend)
  • 2 tbsp Water
  1. Preheat oven to 350.
  2. Slice your bell peppers in half and assemble them in a baking dish.
  3. Brown your meat on medium high heat, with no oil added to the pan. Drain.
  4. Add your onion and garlic to the pan and sauté for a few minutes or so until the onion is softened. If you need to add oil to the pan because the meat didn’t leave any after you drained it, then add a tbsp or so.
  5. Add your meat back into the pan and add your seasonings, frozen veggies and beans, tomatoes, and rice. Stir well to combine.
  6. Pack your ground meat mixture into each bell pepper, making sure to really fill them up. Once every pepper is filled, top with the cheese of your choice and however much you’d like.
  7. Add water to the bottom of the baking dish as this will help steam the bell peppers so they will soften while they bake.
  8. Bake, covered with foil, for 20 minutes. Then uncover and bake for another 20 minutes.

I usually eat my bell peppers with hot sauce and a dollop of sour cream because hi, I love sour cream and will never get rid of it!

*You might have leftover meat mixture and that’s OK! Put it in a tortilla and make a burrito for the next day. The first time I made this I only had two bell peppers and there were a lot of leftovers. For anyone in your family who doesn’t like stuffed bell peppers, just don’t use as many bell peppers and make burritos or tacos for them instead!*

Original Recipe

Yum!!

Feeding Struggles.

I’m absolutely obsessed with the photo above. It captures Levi’s curiosity and what he loves most: watching cars drive by and the outdoors. Yea, he’s inside in this picture but he loves being outside. I had yesterday and today off and it feels so damn good to be with my family. I’m so sad to get back to the grind tomorrow. I’m sure me saying I’m exhausted is repetitive by now so I’ll just assume you already know that.

Last week was a blur. I don’t remember much besides going to work and coming home every day doing the same thing. Yesterday was Sunday so it was errand day. We went to target to get our shopping done because I accidentally forgot to skip this week on Hello Fresh so we didn’t need much to buy this week. Today was more errands. I had to exchange an Xmas present, buy some protein powder, did some small shopping because I had a gift card, went home for lunch and then had to take both Moka and Wilson to the vet because I thought they had ringworm. They don’t, thank goodness. I have to bring Wilson back on Friday so a vet can look at him this time (they were busy when I went) but it looks like he might have allergies and be allergic to something. Could be food but it also could be seasonal allergies. Poor guy has a rash all over his tummy and he’s super itchy. We’ll most likely have to do medicated baths to help with it. Luckily at my work there’s a veterinarian clinic so I can just bring him to work with me on Friday. He’s going to hate me.

Levi hadn’t taken any naps today but finally knocked out around 3 right when we got home and he’s still asleep! It’s been two whole hours. I bet he’s going to feel amazing after this nap! I’ve been worried about his eating lately and how he doesn’t like touching any real solids and only eats purées and yogurt and what not. I’ve emailed his doctor and he’s going to refer us to a pediatric speech and food specialist. Last week was hard and I couldn’t help but blame myself for him being delayed. It still makes me want to cry honestly. Sunday morning I put scrambled eggs, shredded cheese, tortilla pieces, and blueberries on his tray and he touched the cheese and looked DISGUSTED. As if I had just put his own poop on the tray. He pulled his hands back and shook his head. We tried to put a piece of tortilla up to his mouth for a taste and he pursed his lips together, wanting nothing to do with it. I was so devastated. But I did end up having some victories the past two days, though. While I fed him his yogurt for lunch I just placed sliced blueberries on the tray so if he felt like grabbing them, he could. And he did! He put two pieces into his mouth but then they fell out and he didn’t attempt it again but I didn’t care though because I was just happy he touched them and picked them up! It was a small victory and I’m going to continue to put little pieces of food on the tray while I feed him purée. I definitely don’t want to force him to eat but I do want to get the ball rolling because it is important for him to eat food, you know? I’ve also been stressing about him not crawling but I talked to a friend and she told me her son didn’t crawl until 11 months old and that made me feel better. Jesse tells me everything will be okay and Levi will be fine but it’s really hard to watch your child not be 100% on track with every little thing when every other baby seems to be fine? I don’t know. I’m just a worried mama.

Anyways, it’s a new week. I’m closing three days in a row which will be rough because that means I barely get to spend time with Levi so I’ll definitely be on the sad side. Be nice to people this week (or every week) because some of us are on a struggle bus to happiness.

8 Months Postpartum. Christmas and Other Things.

How was everyone’s holiday?! It was so much fun celebrating Levi’s first Christmas! It was a very busy two days for us and I feel like I still haven’t had a chance to settle down and relax this past week. I had to work the past five days and I finally had today off and then I have to work the next five *sigh*. A working moms life, am I right? The holidays sure did come and go. I remember being pregnant and looking forward to Christmas with Levi. It was pretty special! I’m so glad we did a Christmas card. Stuff like that makes me really happy!

Anyone doing anything fun tonight? Levi’s currently taking a nap (5:53pm) and we’ll all probably go to bed around 8 or 9. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a rebel and stay up until 10! I don’t drink and I’m definitely not interested in partying to ring in the new year. I’m super boring, I know. Levi’s been quite fussy as of late and I think he’s teething because he’s drooling like a mofo. He still isn’t crawling and I’m trying to encourage it because it seems like everyone else’s babies crawled at 8 months but I guess he’ll do it on his own time. We’re still doing purées. I try solid food but whenever he touches it he doesn’t like the texture and will pull his hand back. I haven’t given up, though. I still haven’t fed him peanut butter or meat yet. I’ll get to it eventually. The meat I’m not too worried about. The peanut butter gives me anxiety just thinking about it. I wish I could feed it to him in a hospital just in case he’s allergic to it. He’s still waking up twice a night for a bottle. I have no clue how babies sleep all through the night. I try not to stress over it. I never thought I’d compare him to other babies but it’s finally happening and it sucks! I know every baby is different but sometimes I can’t help myself. Oh well.

We’ll be going on our trip in a few weeks and I’m getting so excited but also sad because I’m going to miss Levi and our pets so much. It’ll be really nice to get some uninterrupted sleep, though. Jesse has almost the whole month of January off because he’s taking the rest of his paternity leave now. It’ll really helpful since I’ve been working five days a week now. Works been pretty overwhelming lately. A lot of people have left recently which has put us short on staff so that’s why I’ve been working an extra day. Not going to lie, it’s really hard on me. I don’t want to complain but some days I just want to cry because I’m so exhausted and I miss having the extra day with Levi. At the end of the week I feel like Ive barely seen him or spent any time with him. I start to blame myself for him not advancing with foods or crawling because I’m not around. He’s with different family members every week and nothing’s consistent. Every person does different things with him and it’s out of my control. Sure, I could tell them what I want but he’s not in the same environment so it’ll always be different. Can you tell this stresses me out? You can tell me he’s fine but I’ll still always stress about it. To say I’m jealous of my friends who get to spend more time with their babies would be an understatement. Soak it all in mamas because you’re fucking lucky and it really sucks to work while your first born is growing and you feel like you’re missing everything. Yeah, I didn’t mean to complain but there it is. Nobody at work understands so I never really have anyone to talk to. They tell me they’re tired at work and I believe it because I know what that tired feels like, but my tired is much different.

This sort of brings me to my next discussion…since today is the last day of 2018, a lot of people are posting their best memories and top 9 photos of 2018. It’s awesome. That’s why social media is great, because you can share things that made/make you happy and share beautiful photos. But it also sucks if you had a shit year and you go on social media and you’re reminded that your year sucked compared to the person who got the job promotion or the person who bought a house. Listen, I totally get it. My year started off grieving over the loss of someone so so special to me (it’s her birthday today, btw). Then I ended up in the hospital due to my blood sugars and I wasn’t sure how my unborn baby was doing and every day I’d fear I’d lose him or if I ate a cookie that I’d somehow make him deformed or whatever. I also felt really isolated during my pregnancy. Jesse played a lot of video games and when he’d come home I’d just go into the baby’s room or my room and sit and listen to music or go on my phone. I was always alone. It was depressing as hell. The greatest day of the year was when Levi was born, no doubt. But after he was born I felt sick and vomited right after. Then trying to breastfeed was a nightmare so I dealt with that battle. During my time off I actually gained weight so I was extremely self conscious and I remember never wanting anyone to see me because I hated my body and I hated how I looked in any type of clothing. My thighs got bigger, my stomach was different. Then I dealt with a new bodily issue. I haven’t talked about it on here yet but I guess today’s the day. I used to deal with having what I thought was IBS. I never had issues going to the bathroom. Now, I go maybe once a day or maybe once every couple days. Every Bowel movement hurts. No matter how much water or fiber I intake, it hurts. Yes, I’ve gotten checked out and supposedly everything is fine. But that sucks. It’s gotten a little better but it’s still painful. TMI should be my middle name, huh? After going back to work and always being stressed out I’ve dealt with a lot of my own demons that I try to suppress. I get mad easily and it’s actually embarrassing. Jesse puts up with a lot from me and my roller coaster of Emotions. I’m trying to figure myself out and how I can stay more calm but I feel anxious a lot. Lately I’ve been so sad about life and where I’m at. If you looked at my life you might think I have it all but when I see it, there’s so much more that I want and that’s my problem. I have so much and I’m so grateful but sometimes it’s easy to go on social media and compare lives. I’m kind of writing all of this so that if anyone feels like they had a crappy year and are comparing themselves to everyone who had a great year…don’t worry you’re not alone! Maybe my year doesn’t sound difficult to you but it was for me. There’s a lot of comparing myself to others or comparing Levi to other babies. Work stresses me out and now that I’m working five days and barely being able to spend time with Levi, I’m always sad. Like, always. Nobody gets it though. When I talk about it I feel like they just thinking I’m whining. I’m so glad I’m able to work and have a job and making money is awesome but it’s like I’m trying to get a breath of fresh air and I just keep sinking. It’s really hard.

I’d say my year was amazing because I have the perfect, sweetest, cutest baby boy that I’m so obsessed with but I also had a very very hard year dealing with my mental health. I’m still struggling. The holidays have been nice but also sad because of my nana not being here so it’s been hard to enjoy 100%. I’m lucky to have a partner that sticks by my side through all my personal hardships, and our own. We’ve argued a lot this year. Having a baby is hard work and things get tough sometimes but I have to say that our love for each other and our family outweighs all the bad. Our relationship will never be perfect (nobody’s is no matter how hard you try to front on Instagram!) but it is worth it. I wouldn’t trade my little family for the world. I love us.

So I hope this new year will bring good health and plenty of happiness to anyone reading this. Just remember that any type of hardship you face, you can and will get through it. I promise.

Happy new year everyone.

Christmas Pictures & Stressful Work Week.

I’m finally sharing my Christmas pictures that I took a couple of weeks ago with family and friends! I was trying to keep it a secret because I wanted our Christmas cards to be a surprise. I absolutely love how they turned out, even though Levi was pretty confused the entire process, haha. On the way to our appointment he fell asleep in the car so when we got there he had no idea what was going on. We couldn’t really get him to smile much but he wasn’t fussy until the very end, so I’d say it was still successful! I’ve always wanted to do a family Christmas card so I forced Jesse to do this with me and I’ll continue to force him to do it every year…hehe.

Last week I worked five days instead of my usual four and by the end of Saturday I was pretty beat. I was extremely sad because I felt like I hadn’t been with Levi all week because after getting home I only had a couple of hours with him until it was bed time and then we did the same thing the next day, and the next. I have no idea how some parents do it! Obviously it’s kind of a must to work unless your partner makes good money for you not to…Anyways, yeah, I definitely cried about it because I just missed him so much. I can’t expect my coworkers to understand the feeling so I don’t talk about it much. Levi’s been extremely fussy the past few days, too, so I’ve been a bit sleep deprived as well. Jesse was really nice and let me sleep in today (I slept until 7:30) and I took a nap with Levi earlier today which lasted about an hour so that was also quite nice and much needed. We think his top teeth must be coming in because he’s been sucking his bottom lip a lot which is what he did before his bottom teeth came in.

Speaking of Levi, I’ve been feeling like I haven’t been moving as fast as other moms when it comes to introducing solid food. Today I tried scrambled eggs and he gagged so I’ll try them again another day. Maybe the texture? I still haven’t done meat. I wanted to make some sort of soup with chicken and then puree it so that might be done later on in the week. I’ve been wanting to do that for the past few weeks and just haven’t gotten around to it so I need to force myself to do it. Not like meat is a necessity by the way because if I was a vegetarian or vegan I probably would never introduce it to him so I guess that isn’t a huge deal. I’m probably going to introduce peanut butter soon, too. I read to introduce it between 6-8 months instead of the 12 months it used to be. I don’t know. There’s just too many rules and I get all caught up in stuff and I get scared to do it. I also feel like I don’t have as much time as other moms because I’m just go go go and I don’t feed him most of his meals because breakfast and lunch is usually fed by whoever’s watching him that day.

Lately I’ve been wanting to get back into reading, not sure if I mentioned this before but I want to get myself off of social media and into something more mentally stimulating. I know that I’m on my phone for longer than I’d like to admit. I do have to say that I have  cut back a lot since having Levi because I’m so preoccupied with other things, but in my spare time I’m just scrolling and with scrolling comes comparing my life to other people’s lives which isn’t a good thing. I just ordered a book and it came yesterday so I plan on diving into that when I can. My last book took me a while to read because of life just getting in the way and me not having much down time, so I’m sure this book might take some time also. Last week was so exhausting that after I’d put Levi down to sleep I’d go to sleep soon after that. Like, before 10pm or even before 9:30. Maybe that’s late to some but that’s really early for me compared to the time I used to go to bed at.

I’ve also been missing being pregnant lately. I loved my bump and I loved how I looked. Isn’t that wild? Sure I had some aches and pains and walking would get uncomfortable at times but I really miss feeling those little kicks and knowing there was a little baby inside of me. I had a dream recently where I was laying in bed and felt kicks in my stomach and I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive and I was so happy! I was also scared because of my diabetes but I woke up kind of sad that it wasn’t true! Don’t worry, we’re not having another baby anytime soon but we’re going to discuss it more when Levi is a year old. It makes me sad that I can’t be like a “normal” woman and just get off of my BC and be like, “yeah lets try!” because I have to go see a doctor and work really hard to get my blood sugars good and then begin to try to have a baby. I guess it’s just more work for me compared to non-diabetics but it makes me happy that I successfully did it once so I know I can do it again! I’ve always wanted a big family since I didn’t have one so Jesse and I both agree that we want four kids. Minimum of three. I know you’re probably thinking we’re crazy and maybe after our second I won’t want any more but I really want all the babies! I want my house and heart to be full even though I know it’ll be chaotic and everyone will drive me nuts, haha.

This week I have Thursday off so I’m excited to spend time with Levi. Christmas is approaching a bit too fast and I’m not sure how I feel about it. After having Levi I couldn’t wait for the holidays but now I wish I could soak them in a bit more. These weeks are flying by and it makes me sad because I want to slow it all down and enjoy everyone in my life. I’ve been thinking about my Nana a lot and I’ve had random bursts of crying when I think of her so I think it just makes me want to be around my mom a little more. Life can be really hectic sometimes and spending time with people you love may get overlooked but it’s really important to just stop for a second and make time for them! Hope everyone has an easier week than I did last week and don’t forget to tell your loved ones how much you love them and even pay them a little visit!

 

Trip to Monterey.

We took Levi to Monterey over the weekend and he was SO good! I knew I had such a good baby but it wasn’t until we went on this trip to really realize it. He was great in the car (we strategized to drive during his usual nap hours) and he was great when we ate at restaurants. He was super silly and talkative during this trip. I’ve never heard him babble so much before and we couldn’t stop laughing at how funny it was. Unfortunately, it was free admission to people in surrounding communities (something like that…) so the aquarium was PACKED and we weren’t able to enjoy it at all and we couldn’t see the fish because there were crowds of people everywhere. It was pretty crappy but we still really enjoyed the small getaway. After this little vacation Jesse and I have no idea how we’re going to go to the east coast in January without Levi. We’ll most likely cry, haha.

How’s everyone with their Christmas shopping?? While we were in Monterey we went to this shopping center and got some shopping done for a few family members so that was nice! I was going to shop online but hey if I can skip the shipping fee then I most definitely will! To be honest, it’s really hard not to shop for myself when I’m out and about. I just love clothes and shoes but if you see me you’ll never guess because I’m no fashionista. I wish I could be but I prioritize being comfortable. I love shopping for jeans and shoes, those are my favorites! Now that I work out I actually am always on the hunt for affordable workout leggings. I’m pretty picky so I usually never find anything I like or in my price range. Oh well!

Last night I had somewhat of an epiphany (while I was awake from 2AM to 4AM because of Levi) and I realized that I might want to go back to school. I told myself I’d never go back because I hated it so much but I’m torn between wanting to make good money and  potentially being a stay at home mom in the future when I have more kids. I don’t think I could be a SAHM right now because I’d get bored and lose my mind so I’m happy that I work right now even though it makes me sad sometimes. So yeah, then there’s the other side of me that wants to go to school and have a career so I can save money and obviously make a lot more money than I do right now. I love working because I love being able to take care of my bills myself and buy myself things whenever I want but I also want to be at home and take care of Levi and be with him so I don’t miss out on anything. I think this paragraph will be all over the place but what I’m trying to get at is I’m looking into going back to school to become an Ultrasound Technician or maybe even something else that interests me. I was looking into more of a trade school because I don’t feel like going back to college and taking unnecessary classes unrelated to what my career would be. So it’s something new that I need to look into a bit more. I don’t know how I’d be able to work full time and take care of a baby at the same time as going to school so some things would have to change and quite possibly we’d even have to move depending on where the school is located. Jesse fully supports me if I decided to go back to school and he even said he’d be fine with moving if we had to. We’d just find a place to rent and rent out our house while we were gone. Anyways, we’ll see what happens but that’s currently what’s going on in my head lately.

I brought Levi to my work today because it was a coworkers last day and we had a mini potluck for him and Levi did so well, again! I love that people can hold him and he doesn’t freak out. I had him take a peek at the dogs and cats that are in the shelter and I think he liked the cats more 🙂 He loves our cat at home! Speaking of work, I’ll have to work all week this week and I’ll only have today and Sunday off, unlike my usual Monday, Thursday and Sunday. I’m pretty anxious about it because the house is a mess already and I know I’ll be exhausted by the end of the week. It’ll be nice to have the extra day on my paycheck so that’s what I’m keeping my focus on. I still have so  much respect for any parent who works full time or even has multiple jobs and still comes home to take care of their children. It is TOUGH. I guess it could also depend on your job but since mine is so physically exhausting it’s really hard for me at the end of the week. Like, I’m so tired and I go to bed super early during the week. I’m talking like 9pm and I’m out like a light.

Ah, I know I mentioned I’d share a recipe on here but I completely forgot! Maybe while I’m at work tomorrow I’ll post it on my lunchbreak, that’ll give me something to do! I’ve been wanting to get back into reading again and I have a bunch of books in my Amazon basket that I have yet to buy so I think I’ll order myself a book right now! Hope you all have a good rest of your week and pray for me that I don’t tap out by Thursday with how tired I’m going to be at work, haha.

7 Months + 1 Week Postpartum.

YOU GUYS! We got our Christmas tree yesterday! A real one! Jesse’s been wanting a real Christmas tree for a while now and I finally jumped on board with it. I really like the ease of a fake one that already has the lights attached to it but I have to say, I love how much cozier a real one makes our home. It makes Levi’s first Christmas more special. We found the perfect size and I couldn’t be more pleased with it. Time to go find some Christmas tree lights and then I can decorate it! I might go out with Levi today to get some lights. Yesterday we had a lot of errands to run and he did so well! He makes his parents proud!

I had my workout this morning and I woke up feeling so good! I mean, my stomach is a little bloated for whatever reason but I bought myself new workout leggings yesterday in a smaller size than what I was wearing before and it’s so funny how little things like that can really boost your self confidence. I am still not anywhere near where I was pre baby but I’m damn proud of how far I’ve come! I notice myself having a lot more muscle and being stronger overall. I’m really in love with this whole process. It’s amazing and I don’t plan on quitting. I’m already talking to Jesse about signing up for a gym membership when this is all over with. Unless you make a lot of money, a personal trainer is really expensive and we can’t really afford it. I’m lucky that I’m getting help right now but I don’t expect this help forever, you know? It’s just not practical. I’m really going to miss my trainer, though. I really like her and when I workout it’s almost as if I’m hanging out with a friend at the same time. I have no clue if she feels the same way, haha. I’m sure she just considers herself spending time with a client (obviously) but I like to think that I’m hanging out with a friend, it makes it more enjoyable for me.

Anyways, I’m really looking forward to this upcoming weekend because we’re taking a trip down to Monterey. It’ll only be for a night but I’m really excited to take Levi to the aquarium! I love watching him take in new things. I always wonder what his thoughts are when experiencing something new. I’m hoping he’ll be ok on the drive there, it isn’t super far away but lets hope that he’ll end up sleeping on the way! Life is going well, guys. I still have really hard days sometimes. Okay, a lot of days are difficult but the ones that are good really are good and set me up to having a somewhat of a successful week. Having a good weekend is really crucial. Cleaning the house, having fun with my family, and setting up the meals for the week are my top priority. I always want to share recipe’s on here but I always forget so later on I’m going to try and share my dinner (with pictures) and the recipe! Chicken enchiladas are on the menu tonight, with a Verde enchilada sauce!

Our pets have been amazing with Levi. Wilson (pictured above) actually doesn’t care about Levi at all! I’m so lucky to have a dog that’s not all up in my baby’s face. We still try to keep them apart just in case! Sometimes people don’t realize how dangerous their pets can be around a new baby! Your lovely Fido can be the best dog ever who’s never bit a soul, but once your baby pulls on his fur or runs into his feet with a walker, things can change! Protect your pets and your babies! It’s so so important. Our cat is the same. She doesn’t go near Levi but he’s obsessed with her so he tries to go near her with his walker and she usually just runs away 😂

I Am A Bad Friend.

So this is going to be a super random post but it’s been on my mind a lot recently so I feel like writing about it will help my work through things that I’m dealing with/have dealt with. To begin, I’m going to say that this is just what I think of myself. I’ve never had anyone tell this to me personally, although I feel like they’ve probably thought it.

Growing up I had best friends but I feel like we were only best friends because we were little and probably somewhat forced to be. Of course I loved them (and still do!) but looking back, I wish I didn’t rely so much on the label “best friend” because it limited me. I was an extremely jealous child and I mean it when I say extremely. Whenever one of my best friends hung out with someone else I would be absolutely crushed. Like, I’d cry about it. I’d get so jealous and then I’d get so sad that I’d think that they chose them over me. In reality, they didn’t choose anyone over me, they just played with someone else for a little while. It’s a good thing to have multiple friends as a child and I will enforce that on my own so he doesn’t get stuck in this world of thinking you can only have one friend and they can only have one friend. Anyways, being this jealous child only seemed to make things worse for me. At school I only had one best friend and I remember a specific time when I was absent from school and somehow someone told me she hung out with a girl I didn’t like while I was out. I was livid. I remember calling her and asking her why she hung out with her and her being completely scared of me. Or at least, I would think she would have been because she’s getting in “trouble” by her own friend! God, I can’t believe I was actually that possessive over friends. I feel like it completely isolated me because when I didn’t have them, I had no one.

Fast forward to high school and I really grew out of that awful phase. I think I really grew out of it when I had to move to another city and had no friends at all and had to make them on my own and I had made quite a few acquaintances that maybe I stopped being so jealous because I had options? Not to say that friends are considered options at all but I think it just took me out of that old environment of only being around the same girl friends for my entire childhood. Now I had new friends to talk to and it really opened me up since I was a super shy kid before. In high school I had about three or four different best friends and sometimes we’d argue so I’d hang out with another one more than the other or maybe two didn’t get along all the time so I’d just be with them separately. It just depended on what was going on at different stages in our relationships throughout those four years. Towards the end I was completely alone, though. One went off and hung out with a different group of friends and I feel like completely ditched me. Two got super close and also gave out vibes of not wanting to be around me and the fourth one I actually don’t remember why we stopped talking but regardless, I remember being alone a lot my senior year of high school. I could probably write a book of what I recall happening and how my feelings were hurt by multiple best friends but that’s pointless now because we’re all so different and I can say that I am not the same person I was back then and neither are they. I actually hate who I used to be. I was kind of an asshole and I’m not proud of it. I was never really jealous that my close friends hung out with other people but I was jealous that they got more attention. They had more friends or more guys were interested in them or they were way prettier than I was. I considered myself the fat, ugly friend. Looking back I wasn’t fat but compared to them, I was definitely chubbier and not as pretty. This made me a horrible friend. I was going through my own insecurities that I don’t think I was there for them when they were down. Maybe I was and I can’t remember. I said awful things to them when I was upset sometimes and I actually can’t believe they befriended me afterwards. I said awful things because I was hurt by them and I wanted them to be just as hurt as me but that’s no excuse.

Enter the after high school years and me really having no one besides Jesse. He was the only best friend (and boyfriend) I had with me through thick and thin. We used to fight all the time but he never wanted to leave me. No matter what happened between us he stuck by our relationship. Being alone and going through what I went through in that last high school year made me like being alone. I never wanted to be close to anyone. Anytime someone wanted to hang out with me I’d hesitate. Sure I’d go out occasionally but I always just wanted to go back home and be with Jesse. I’m actually still like that to this day. I have a group of close girl friends now but when I think about it, there’s a lot they still don’t know about me or that I won’t tell them even though I know I talk a lot. I was told once that I talk about myself a lot and I noticed that it’s true. Looking deeper into it, I talk about myself because I try to relate to other people by doing that. Like, “Oh I love eating xyz food!” and maybe they’re eating xyz food or maybe I’m trying to see if they like that same food so we can talk about it. Get it? Or I’ll talk about my weekend or my day to just talk so the room isn’t silent. I know I could probably ask them what they did over the weekend to start conversation but my brain just never works that way.  I don’t know where I’m going with this now but basically, I’m terrified of having anyone labeled as my only Best Friend. I don’t want to rely on anyone for anything. I’m terrified of letting them down by being an asshole or I’m terrified of them letting me down since I tend to have high expectations. Yesterday I cried because of something a friend did to me. I’m 26 and I cried over what was probably nothing but my feelings were really hurt. This friend of mine actually has no clue that she hurt me and she never will because I’ll never bring it up. If I brought it up then that would mean we were really close, right? If I brought it up and it turned into an argument and we stopped talking then I’d really be hurt. So I choose to move on and put it in the past and act like nothing happened because she’ll never know.

There are times when I feel like I am an amazing friend. I’d do anything to make my friend happy and I’d bend over backwards for them so when they don’t do what I’d do for them I get pretty upset over it. I’ve had this happen to me multiple times, where I’d choose my friend before anything and I’d do whatever to make them happy when they’re down. Then when I’m down they’re not around or they don’t have time for me. Maybe they are shitty friends, I don’t know. Or maybe my expectations are too high. Regardless, I’d rather not have to think too much about it. I let people in but I keep them at a distance. I don’t want anyone to think of me as being their go to friend to call when they’re down. I don’t want me to be the one they invite everywhere. I’m absolutely terrified of being let down or letting them down. In my head, this is what makes me a bad friend. I’m awful with handling others’ emotions. When someone starts crying, I start crying. If they’re upset I honestly never know what to truly say to them to make them feel better. I’m not sure how I got this way because I literally went to school to become a therapist. I never got passed my AA degree because I lost interest but I probably would have been awful at it. Could you imagine me just crying with a patient and never actually helping them through any of their problems? Sheesh.

If you are my friend and you’re reading this, I love you. If you consider me your close friend, thank you for finding something in me to want to be friends with me. Thanks for probably knowing that I suck and still talking to me anyways. I know I’m terrible at keeping in touch and hanging out with everyone. It takes a lot to get me out of my house, so you’re not the only friend that this happens to. It’s not you, it’s definitely me. I’m sorry.