Trip to Monterey.

We took Levi to Monterey over the weekend and he was SO good! I knew I had such a good baby but it wasn’t until we went on this trip to really realize it. He was great in the car (we strategized to drive during his usual nap hours) and he was great when we ate at restaurants. He was super silly and talkative during this trip. I’ve never heard him babble so much before and we couldn’t stop laughing at how funny it was. Unfortunately, it was free admission to people in surrounding communities (something like that…) so the aquarium was PACKED and we weren’t able to enjoy it at all and we couldn’t see the fish because there were crowds of people everywhere. It was pretty crappy but we still really enjoyed the small getaway. After this little vacation Jesse and I have no idea how we’re going to go to the east coast in January without Levi. We’ll most likely cry, haha.

How’s everyone with their Christmas shopping?? While we were in Monterey we went to this shopping center and got some shopping done for a few family members so that was nice! I was going to shop online but hey if I can skip the shipping fee then I most definitely will! To be honest, it’s really hard not to shop for myself when I’m out and about. I just love clothes and shoes but if you see me you’ll never guess because I’m no fashionista. I wish I could be but I prioritize being comfortable. I love shopping for jeans and shoes, those are my favorites! Now that I work out I actually am always on the hunt for affordable workout leggings. I’m pretty picky so I usually never find anything I like or in my price range. Oh well!

Last night I had somewhat of an epiphany (while I was awake from 2AM to 4AM because of Levi) and I realized that I might want to go back to school. I told myself I’d never go back because I hated it so much but I’m torn between wanting to make good money and  potentially being a stay at home mom in the future when I have more kids. I don’t think I could be a SAHM right now because I’d get bored and lose my mind so I’m happy that I work right now even though it makes me sad sometimes. So yeah, then there’s the other side of me that wants to go to school and have a career so I can save money and obviously make a lot more money than I do right now. I love working because I love being able to take care of my bills myself and buy myself things whenever I want but I also want to be at home and take care of Levi and be with him so I don’t miss out on anything. I think this paragraph will be all over the place but what I’m trying to get at is I’m looking into going back to school to become an Ultrasound Technician or maybe even something else that interests me. I was looking into more of a trade school because I don’t feel like going back to college and taking unnecessary classes unrelated to what my career would be. So it’s something new that I need to look into a bit more. I don’t know how I’d be able to work full time and take care of a baby at the same time as going to school so some things would have to change and quite possibly we’d even have to move depending on where the school is located. Jesse fully supports me if I decided to go back to school and he even said he’d be fine with moving if we had to. We’d just find a place to rent and rent out our house while we were gone. Anyways, we’ll see what happens but that’s currently what’s going on in my head lately.

I brought Levi to my work today because it was a coworkers last day and we had a mini potluck for him and Levi did so well, again! I love that people can hold him and he doesn’t freak out. I had him take a peek at the dogs and cats that are in the shelter and I think he liked the cats more 🙂 He loves our cat at home! Speaking of work, I’ll have to work all week this week and I’ll only have today and Sunday off, unlike my usual Monday, Thursday and Sunday. I’m pretty anxious about it because the house is a mess already and I know I’ll be exhausted by the end of the week. It’ll be nice to have the extra day on my paycheck so that’s what I’m keeping my focus on. I still have so  much respect for any parent who works full time or even has multiple jobs and still comes home to take care of their children. It is TOUGH. I guess it could also depend on your job but since mine is so physically exhausting it’s really hard for me at the end of the week. Like, I’m so tired and I go to bed super early during the week. I’m talking like 9pm and I’m out like a light.

Ah, I know I mentioned I’d share a recipe on here but I completely forgot! Maybe while I’m at work tomorrow I’ll post it on my lunchbreak, that’ll give me something to do! I’ve been wanting to get back into reading again and I have a bunch of books in my Amazon basket that I have yet to buy so I think I’ll order myself a book right now! Hope you all have a good rest of your week and pray for me that I don’t tap out by Thursday with how tired I’m going to be at work, haha.

7 Months + 1 Week Postpartum.

YOU GUYS! We got our Christmas tree yesterday! A real one! Jesse’s been wanting a real Christmas tree for a while now and I finally jumped on board with it. I really like the ease of a fake one that already has the lights attached to it but I have to say, I love how much cozier a real one makes our home. It makes Levi’s first Christmas more special. We found the perfect size and I couldn’t be more pleased with it. Time to go find some Christmas tree lights and then I can decorate it! I might go out with Levi today to get some lights. Yesterday we had a lot of errands to run and he did so well! He makes his parents proud!

I had my workout this morning and I woke up feeling so good! I mean, my stomach is a little bloated for whatever reason but I bought myself new workout leggings yesterday in a smaller size than what I was wearing before and it’s so funny how little things like that can really boost your self confidence. I am still not anywhere near where I was pre baby but I’m damn proud of how far I’ve come! I notice myself having a lot more muscle and being stronger overall. I’m really in love with this whole process. It’s amazing and I don’t plan on quitting. I’m already talking to Jesse about signing up for a gym membership when this is all over with. Unless you make a lot of money, a personal trainer is really expensive and we can’t really afford it. I’m lucky that I’m getting help right now but I don’t expect this help forever, you know? It’s just not practical. I’m really going to miss my trainer, though. I really like her and when I workout it’s almost as if I’m hanging out with a friend at the same time. I have no clue if she feels the same way, haha. I’m sure she just considers herself spending time with a client (obviously) but I like to think that I’m hanging out with a friend, it makes it more enjoyable for me.

Anyways, I’m really looking forward to this upcoming weekend because we’re taking a trip down to Monterey. It’ll only be for a night but I’m really excited to take Levi to the aquarium! I love watching him take in new things. I always wonder what his thoughts are when experiencing something new. I’m hoping he’ll be ok on the drive there, it isn’t super far away but lets hope that he’ll end up sleeping on the way! Life is going well, guys. I still have really hard days sometimes. Okay, a lot of days are difficult but the ones that are good really are good and set me up to having a somewhat of a successful week. Having a good weekend is really crucial. Cleaning the house, having fun with my family, and setting up the meals for the week are my top priority. I always want to share recipe’s on here but I always forget so later on I’m going to try and share my dinner (with pictures) and the recipe! Chicken enchiladas are on the menu tonight, with a Verde enchilada sauce!

Our pets have been amazing with Levi. Wilson (pictured above) actually doesn’t care about Levi at all! I’m so lucky to have a dog that’s not all up in my baby’s face. We still try to keep them apart just in case! Sometimes people don’t realize how dangerous their pets can be around a new baby! Your lovely Fido can be the best dog ever who’s never bit a soul, but once your baby pulls on his fur or runs into his feet with a walker, things can change! Protect your pets and your babies! It’s so so important. Our cat is the same. She doesn’t go near Levi but he’s obsessed with her so he tries to go near her with his walker and she usually just runs away 😂

I Am A Bad Friend.

So this is going to be a super random post but it’s been on my mind a lot recently so I feel like writing about it will help my work through things that I’m dealing with/have dealt with. To begin, I’m going to say that this is just what I think of myself. I’ve never had anyone tell this to me personally, although I feel like they’ve probably thought it.

Growing up I had best friends but I feel like we were only best friends because we were little and probably somewhat forced to be. Of course I loved them (and still do!) but looking back, I wish I didn’t rely so much on the label “best friend” because it limited me. I was an extremely jealous child and I mean it when I say extremely. Whenever one of my best friends hung out with someone else I would be absolutely crushed. Like, I’d cry about it. I’d get so jealous and then I’d get so sad that I’d think that they chose them over me. In reality, they didn’t choose anyone over me, they just played with someone else for a little while. It’s a good thing to have multiple friends as a child and I will enforce that on my own so he doesn’t get stuck in this world of thinking you can only have one friend and they can only have one friend. Anyways, being this jealous child only seemed to make things worse for me. At school I only had one best friend and I remember a specific time when I was absent from school and somehow someone told me she hung out with a girl I didn’t like while I was out. I was livid. I remember calling her and asking her why she hung out with her and her being completely scared of me. Or at least, I would think she would have been because she’s getting in “trouble” by her own friend! God, I can’t believe I was actually that possessive over friends. I feel like it completely isolated me because when I didn’t have them, I had no one.

Fast forward to high school and I really grew out of that awful phase. I think I really grew out of it when I had to move to another city and had no friends at all and had to make them on my own and I had made quite a few acquaintances that maybe I stopped being so jealous because I had options? Not to say that friends are considered options at all but I think it just took me out of that old environment of only being around the same girl friends for my entire childhood. Now I had new friends to talk to and it really opened me up since I was a super shy kid before. In high school I had about three or four different best friends and sometimes we’d argue so I’d hang out with another one more than the other or maybe two didn’t get along all the time so I’d just be with them separately. It just depended on what was going on at different stages in our relationships throughout those four years. Towards the end I was completely alone, though. One went off and hung out with a different group of friends and I feel like completely ditched me. Two got super close and also gave out vibes of not wanting to be around me and the fourth one I actually don’t remember why we stopped talking but regardless, I remember being alone a lot my senior year of high school. I could probably write a book of what I recall happening and how my feelings were hurt by multiple best friends but that’s pointless now because we’re all so different and I can say that I am not the same person I was back then and neither are they. I actually hate who I used to be. I was kind of an asshole and I’m not proud of it. I was never really jealous that my close friends hung out with other people but I was jealous that they got more attention. They had more friends or more guys were interested in them or they were way prettier than I was. I considered myself the fat, ugly friend. Looking back I wasn’t fat but compared to them, I was definitely chubbier and not as pretty. This made me a horrible friend. I was going through my own insecurities that I don’t think I was there for them when they were down. Maybe I was and I can’t remember. I said awful things to them when I was upset sometimes and I actually can’t believe they befriended me afterwards. I said awful things because I was hurt by them and I wanted them to be just as hurt as me but that’s no excuse.

Enter the after high school years and me really having no one besides Jesse. He was the only best friend (and boyfriend) I had with me through thick and thin. We used to fight all the time but he never wanted to leave me. No matter what happened between us he stuck by our relationship. Being alone and going through what I went through in that last high school year made me like being alone. I never wanted to be close to anyone. Anytime someone wanted to hang out with me I’d hesitate. Sure I’d go out occasionally but I always just wanted to go back home and be with Jesse. I’m actually still like that to this day. I have a group of close girl friends now but when I think about it, there’s a lot they still don’t know about me or that I won’t tell them even though I know I talk a lot. I was told once that I talk about myself a lot and I noticed that it’s true. Looking deeper into it, I talk about myself because I try to relate to other people by doing that. Like, “Oh I love eating xyz food!” and maybe they’re eating xyz food or maybe I’m trying to see if they like that same food so we can talk about it. Get it? Or I’ll talk about my weekend or my day to just talk so the room isn’t silent. I know I could probably ask them what they did over the weekend to start conversation but my brain just never works that way.  I don’t know where I’m going with this now but basically, I’m terrified of having anyone labeled as my only Best Friend. I don’t want to rely on anyone for anything. I’m terrified of letting them down by being an asshole or I’m terrified of them letting me down since I tend to have high expectations. Yesterday I cried because of something a friend did to me. I’m 26 and I cried over what was probably nothing but my feelings were really hurt. This friend of mine actually has no clue that she hurt me and she never will because I’ll never bring it up. If I brought it up then that would mean we were really close, right? If I brought it up and it turned into an argument and we stopped talking then I’d really be hurt. So I choose to move on and put it in the past and act like nothing happened because she’ll never know.

There are times when I feel like I am an amazing friend. I’d do anything to make my friend happy and I’d bend over backwards for them so when they don’t do what I’d do for them I get pretty upset over it. I’ve had this happen to me multiple times, where I’d choose my friend before anything and I’d do whatever to make them happy when they’re down. Then when I’m down they’re not around or they don’t have time for me. Maybe they are shitty friends, I don’t know. Or maybe my expectations are too high. Regardless, I’d rather not have to think too much about it. I let people in but I keep them at a distance. I don’t want anyone to think of me as being their go to friend to call when they’re down. I don’t want me to be the one they invite everywhere. I’m absolutely terrified of being let down or letting them down. In my head, this is what makes me a bad friend. I’m awful with handling others’ emotions. When someone starts crying, I start crying. If they’re upset I honestly never know what to truly say to them to make them feel better. I’m not sure how I got this way because I literally went to school to become a therapist. I never got passed my AA degree because I lost interest but I probably would have been awful at it. Could you imagine me just crying with a patient and never actually helping them through any of their problems? Sheesh.

If you are my friend and you’re reading this, I love you. If you consider me your close friend, thank you for finding something in me to want to be friends with me. Thanks for probably knowing that I suck and still talking to me anyways. I know I’m terrible at keeping in touch and hanging out with everyone. It takes a lot to get me out of my house, so you’re not the only friend that this happens to. It’s not you, it’s definitely me. I’m sorry.

7 Months Postpartum.

How was everyone’s Thanksgiving?? If you celebrate, I hope you were able to eat some good food! Levi had his first taste of mashed potatoes and gravy, which he wasn’t a big fan of, haha. Since Levi’s two bottom teeth have started to come in he’s been quite fussy! It’s kind of hard to keep him happy for as long as before. I just have to remind myself that it’ll pass and one day this will all be a distant memory, ha! No but really, it just means he needs extra love and cuddles when he’s upset and that’s fine with us (even though it can be stressful sometimes when we’re trying to get things done). He’s the cutest chunk in all the land I swear. Yesterday we went and got photo’s taken at the mall with his cousins and we got some really cute photo’s! He was pretty fussy yesterday but it wasn’t that horrible to where he wouldn’t take pictures. His new favorite thing is “baby shark” on YouTube so Jesse played the video over the photographers head to get him to look in her direction. He had a really cute outfit on and while we were leaving, my SIL realized that he had wet himself and it went through his clothes. Luckily his pants were black so you couldn’t even see. For some reason when I dress him up in cute clothes I just want to take them all off and put him in sweats and comfy shirt. I just like him to be comfortable, ya know? Is anyone else this way?

Well, since I ate pretty bad the past few days I need to get myself back on track. I did really well yesterday and I’m hoping I’ll end today with staying under my calorie goal. I had an awesome workout this morning. I was telling Jordan, my trainer, that I love that I’m not sweating at the gym but I know I’m still getting in a great workout. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to leave the gym all sweaty and gross and feeling accomplished but you don’t always have to be sweaty! I absolutely love working with weights and seeing the results of me getting stronger. Today we did a workout that I remember being awful at and not being able to do it right, to now doing it with ease. The workout was still tough and I could definitely feel the burn but it was easier for me to do….if that makes any sense. In regards to my diabetes, it’s been alright. I was thinking in my head earlier today how I used to be able to eat or snack on whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted growing up. It’s insane how your body can just change on you and your whole world gets flipped upside down. That’s what becoming a diabetic did to me at least. Everything I was used to was out the window. I’ll never be able to eat without thinking anything about how many carbs it has or how it’ll effect my sugars. Although I’m used to this new life of mine, I still get a little envious of the people who don’t have to worry about food like I do. I don’t like to dwell on my disease so I try not to talk about it often but sometimes I wish I had someone to relate to. I don’t talk to Jesse about it much, sometimes I get sad that he still doesn’t understand it all the time but that’s not his fault. I try to act as normal as possible so I can understand why he treats me like I don’t have diabetes. He is really good at getting me whatever I need if I tell him I’m having a low so that’s always really helpful, and he does know all the terminology. He knows what my lancets, test strips, needles, and insulin pens are so that’s good enough for me!

Anyways, how is everyone doing with their Christmas shopping? Have you started yet? I started Jesse’s last month so I’m almost done with him and I’m working on the rest of my family. I get so overwhelmed! I try to make lists of what to get people so I can stay somewhat organized. I spent a lot of money over the weekend (and today) on stuff mostly for myself, oops… But hey! I needed that stuff. I literally only wear like two pairs of jeans so American Eagle was having a sale and I snagged a couple pairs from there, and then I bought myself some shoes because I’ve been wearing the same pair of boots for the past three years that I got at TJ Maxx and I feel like I need an upgrade! Also, rose gold Toms!? How could I not get those? Perfect for when you want to be dressed up but still casual! Okay, I went a little overboard but it could have been worse! At least I got everything on sale, right? I’m kind of cheap when it comes to clothes anyways because I always feel like I can find certain items cheaper somewhere else and then I’ll just wait until I do find it which can take forever it seems like!

I think this weekend we’re going to get a REAL Christmas tree! I’m super excited about it and also nervous?? Why am I nervous?? I feel like the tree is going to be a complete mess and I’m going to hate it but ya know, whatever Jesse wants, Jesse gets! No, not really. It’s mostly the other way around but in this case it applies to him, haha! He actually surprised me the other day with a new computer! I’m typing on it right now and I’m freaking obsessed! We went computer shopping a few weeks ago and the computer we liked was pretty expensive so we decided we’d wait or maybe look at others. Well, the computer went on sale because of Black Friday so he went out and bought it and surprised me with it when I got home from work! Goodbye MacBook Air! Geez, I think I’ve had that laptop for about 6 years now. I absolutely love my new desktop PC. I don’t think I’d go back to using a Mac to be honest with you! It’s just too expensive and not really necessary.

Levi just woke up from his (really) short nap so I gotta go help this babe be entertained since he’s a fuss monster. Lord help me!

6 Months + 4 Weeks Postpartum.

Anyone else feeling slightly overwhelmed lately with the holidays coming up? I know I am! As I sit here thinking of everything I need to do I’m feeling a rush of anxiety that I can’t seem to get rid of. It could be the coffee I drank earlier, though…I’ve been really excited to spend the holidays with Levi and watch him soak everything in like the christmas lights, tree, and gifts (mostly wanting to play with wrapping paper). I know he won’t actually care about the gifts themselves. I went to the dollar store by my house yesterday and found all the things I’d need to make a wreath and it turned out really cute! I highly recommend going there first if you plan on making your own wreath. They had small wreaths and fake flowers and pinecones, pretty much everything you’d need to decorate your wreath. I’ve gone a little crazy with shopping recently, more crazy than I’d like to admit but I can finally say that Jesse will probably have one of the best Christmas’ of all time! I think I’ve got some really good gifts for him. He’s the type of person to always buy himself everything he needs so when Christmas comes around he’s so hard to shop for! I’m not sure what we’ll end up getting Levi because I already know he’ll be spoiled by family members. Our house is really small so I hope we don’t have a bunch of bulky toys! We’ll see, though.

I had a good weekend! I had Saturday off to go to my friends son’s first birthday party and Sunday was spent just with Jesse and Levi. I don’t get to have both Saturday’s and Sunday’s off so it made me kind of sad that it couldn’t be my normal. I’m totally jealous of those who get both days off! I like having days off during the week too, though. It’s nice being able to go out and about and the stores aren’t jam packed with people.

I had a great workout this morning. I really enjoyed it. We’ve been doing a lot with weights and it’s really tough but I can’t imagine doing anything else! I attempted yoga yesterday and I just can’t do it. It’s way too slow for me and it’s hard for me to not want to get up and run around. It could be because I did a beginners video on YouTube and was quite bored with it to be honest.  I’m not saying it’s not difficult, though! I’ve seen some of the poses that people do and they look really hard and I know I definitely can’t do those without having a ton of practice. I weighed myself yesterday and I was quite happy with the results! I’m trying really hard to be in a calorie deficit. I’m not saying I’ve been eating salads all day long because I definitely haven’t. Yesterday I had sushi and a cauliflower crust pizza (not for one meal, gross!). I’ve just been choosing wisely so that I can still eat yummy foods when I want to. I’m definitely feeling so much more confident lately. I’m still not 100% and most photo’s of myself I tend to hate and despise but I feel good enough to get dressed and go outside! That’s an improvement, haha. It was only a couple months ago where I remember not even wanting to leave my house because I hated myself so much. Yikes. The road to being happy with myself after having a baby has (and still is) been quite the journey. I only wish I could have been one of those new moms who embraces every little hiccup or sad day, but I’m not. Sad days are really sad for me. I know I don’t go into too much detail but I’m sure you can imagine if you’ve ever dealt with something similar.

Okay, enough about me and more about LEVI! Two days ago Jesse found TEETH! My little munchkin has two teeth on the bottom coming through! I almost cried! He’s growing so fast and I just want everything to slow down. He’s been sitting like a champ still and I’m trying to teach him the movements for crawling but I know that’ll happen within the next couple of months at his own pace. He’s been a little fussy but nothing terrible lately. I mean, it definitely sucks at night. He’s been waking up two hours after being put down and the only way to get him to go back to sleep is with a bottle unfortunately. I don’t want to bulk up my son even more than he already is but it’s the only thing that works! He still sleeps in his crib for a bit of the night and eventually makes his way into our bed, which I love. I don’t care what anyone has to say about it! I don’t care what other moms do with their children so I think it’s silly if anyone judges me. I love waking up next to him and his cute squishy face!

I hope everyone has a good holiday this week and gets to spend time with their loved ones! I’m so happy I don’t have to work on Thanksgiving this year. When you work with animals it’s kind of hard to get holiday’s off because they need love and care, too! Since it’s giving season, be sure to look into how you can help donate to all of the California fire victims! A lot of people on social media only mention the southern California fire but the northern California fire is 10x worse! Well, regardless of which fire is worse there are a lot of people who need assistance right now and any little donation really does make a difference!

6 Months + 3 Weeks Postpartum.

Oh My Goodness! My arms are completely dead after todays workout. They’re like noodles and I’m curious on how I’ll be able to pick Levi up throughout the day, haha. Well I had a good weekend! How was yours? I worked on Saturday which wasn’t bad but I couldn’t wait to go home of course. The air quality is so poor due to the fires here in California. Which, by the way, I feel like all the attention is going to the fire in southern California but the one in northern California is way worse!  Just a little FYI for those who don’t know!

I had ordered a pair of shoes for Levi and this kid has bigger feet than I thought. I mean, he’s only a size 3 but literally every place I look doesn’t have shoes in his size. Must be popular or something. I had to go to Nordstrom to find shoes for him. We bought him a pair of converse and vans and they make my heart melt, they’re so cute! Poor Levi, he’s been having some sort of rash on his cheeks lately and I have a suspicion it’s probably eczema or something so I’m just applying some balm/lotion on his cheeks to help. I’m not a perfume wearing girl so I just have to let his grandma’s know to lay off the perfume or smelly lotions when they watch him! What is it with grandma’s and their perfumes? Hi, mom! Haha 🙂

Other than my poor baby and his cheeks, he’s been a pretty happy boy as of late. I mean, he’s always pretty happy unless he’s tired but that’s normal baby behavior. Before I forget to mention this monumental thing, HE SLEPT FOR 8 HOURS STRAIGHT LAST NIGHT! It’ll probably be a one time thing with my luck but holy smokes, I feel like a brand new human being. It was my night last night and lets be real, us mama’s are the ones who get the least amount of sleep. Even when it’s Jesse’s “night” I still wake up early for work or the gym and he gets to sleep in a guaranteed two days a week when I take Levi to my family’s house in the morning on my way to work. So anyways, I woke up around 3AM freaking out thinking he was in the bed somehow buried under the pillows until I saw him on the monitor and I kind of just stared at it until I heard him make a sigh and then move, so I figured he was going to wake up. He didn’t! I woke up again around 5AM thinking, “holy shit is he alive?,” so I went to check on him and yes, he was alive and sleeping. He eventually woke up around 6 and was chatting in his crib so I continued to stay in bed until he started crying. Jesse woke up to go to the bathroom and ended up just getting Levi and bringing him downstairs so I could stay in bed even longer (what a saint). Needless to say, I’m in an extremely good mood today. This must be how other moms feel who have babies who sleep throughout the night. I really hope this isn’t a one time thing!

He was such a good boy yesterday when we went out and about to some stores. I love bringing him places with me now, I feel a lot more confident now that he can sit up. It just makes things easier if I have to put him in a cart. I’ve been in a weird mood to go shopping. I hate it because I have no money for shopping but I recently went through all of my sweatshirts and tossed out all of the really old ones, which was 90% of them. I think I deserve new sweaters and jackets! Plus, most of them didn’t fit me anymore anyways because they were so old. I also hate 90% of my shirts so I wish I could throw them all out and buy new ones but that’s not going to happen anytime soon! Side note, when I say “throw out” I mean donate of course!

I wasn’t going to mention this but the past several days have been super rough for me. I’m not sure why I’ve been so down and hard on myself but it happens. I’m still recovering from the hard week I had but I’m hopeful this week will be better. I haven’t had anything nice to say to myself, about myself. When I get this way I’m also an asshole to the ones around me, too. After having an argument with Jesse one night last week I woke up feeling terrible about everything. It’s not the best feeling in the world and I’m sure someone out there can relate. I think it’s a good thing that I can acknowledge where I was wrong and apologize. Some people struggle with that, I think. Anyways, I just wanted to mention it so that maybe if anyone else is going through a tough week or day that they can be hopeful that it’s almost over and to always acknowledge how you’re treating your loved ones because it’s never fair for others to suffer because you’re suffering. It’s hard to realize that sometimes but it’s necessary, in my opinion.

The baby is waking up from his nap so I shall go now but I’m sending all my love to anyone who’s suffering right now, especially to all the fire victims from northern and southern California.

6 Months + 2 Weeks Postpartum.

Today has been a GREAT day and it’s not even over with yet! Not every day goes really well. I mean, it has potential to somehow get ruined but lets hope it stays awesome *knocks on wood*.

I started my day out with my workout which was easy and much appreciated since I had a really bad sore neck the past week and today it’s finally 90% better. Once home I hung out with Levi (duh) and he took a two hour nap! I was able to watch a movie, Kindergarten Teacher on Netflix, and clean the house up a bit. Once he woke up we went to Ulta and Old Navy since I had to pick up a few things. It was my second outing with him by myself! Don’t judge me, either. Most of the time when we go do errands Jesse’s just always around and wants to tag along so we always do everything together, which I love by the way. Once we got home I played with Levi some more, gave him a bath, went through some of his old clothes, and now he’s down for his second nap of the day! I’m feeling really good mentally and I love it.

Last night I was so sad, almost to tears sad, that I had to essentially go back to our scheduled routine this week. I just wanted to be with my family some more before getting back to the work week. Sunday was so nice and I enjoyed our day together a lot. We went on a morning hike/walk with my really close friend and her boyfriend and dog. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m pretty much a home body or I just really prefer to be with my family on my day off because I feel like I never have enough time with them so hanging out with my friend for a little while was really nice. I actually want to do a little girls trip with a few other friends of mine and we’ve talked about it and are all down to do it! I think it would be so fun and much needed for all of us.

So anyways, while Levi is napping right now I have to just say that I’m freaking obsessed with him and how good of a baby he is. He’s just always happy! I mean, he has his fussy moments but they’re never a big deal really. We’ve been doing pretty good with the purees lately but I did buy some jarred baby food just to add flavors that I don’t have at home. I’m so curious on when to try peanut butter so if anyone has any advice let me know! This whole feeding thing is still confusing to me at times. I’m just going back and forth between Pinterest and my baby food book that I have. He’s sitting up so good now with hardly any assistance. He still loves going on walks and watching cars drive by, which is the cutest thing in the world. His hair still growing but still hasn’t flattened out completely so it just looks like fuzz still, haha. We’ve been doing a lot more tummy time to get him to want to crawl! Have I mentioned that I’m terrified of him becoming mobile?? Like, what am I going to do! My boy is growing up so much and my heart can’t take it!

Last week was a tiring, painful (due to my neck/upper back), but also really good week. I know I’m making progress with the weight loss as some jeans I wear often that I bought when I needed to buy bigger jeans are starting to become a bit looser on me. Things are happening, people! I already see a difference in my stomach. For a while I felt like I still looked 6 months preggo and it’s finally going down. I’ve been eating a cleaner diet and I think it’s working. I still have my bad days of course but I try not to beat myself up about it because there’s no point in doing that.

I’m starting to get really excited about my east coast trip that’s coming up in January! You might be thinking we’re crazy to visit the east coast during January, because I thought we were crazy, too. It’s going to be really fun and it’s going to be SO hard to leave Levi for several days so I’m hoping I don’t cry too much but I’m looking forward to spend time with Jesse. Something I love about us is that we travel. It might not be as often or as far as other couples but traveling is something we love to do together. We love experiencing new places together and new food! It’s always about the food for me, haha.

OH YEAH! Here’s some baby halloween pictures. He was sooooo cute! The costume didn’t fit so well because he’s a chunk but we got the cutest pictures of him! Enjoy 🙂

6 Months + 1 Week Postpartum

I’m so tired of saying 20+ weeks as my titles because I always forget how many weeks postpartum I am so I’m making it easier on myself, and you guys. Last week was pretty brutal for me. I was mentally drained and on my last day of work (Saturday) I was completely dead. I didn’t even want to show up to be honest. I woke up in the middle of the night so nauseous and I ran to the bathroom thinking I was going to throw up but couldn’t. I was up for about 30 minutes and nothing could come out. It was the worst feeling ever. High blood sugar could be the culprit as I was at 200. Usually I don’t get nauseous at 200 but maybe that’s what it was (no, not preggo). I was also nauseous on Sunday, too. I’ve been fine all day today though so that’s a plus! Saturday night we did nothing after I got off work, which was nice. Sunday was a good day for the fam. We woke up really early (because of the baby) and walked to this bagel shop close to my house and ate breakfast there. We then went to a Colombia employee store where the clothes are at a discounted price (they were nice enough to give my work a chance to visit the store) and I bought a couple of things there. After that it was a lot of regular Sunday chores. Clean the house up and grocery shop! Sundays are my ONLY days I have “off”. No work, no gym, and Jesse to help me with Levi so I can get other things done around the house. The rest of the week is go, go, go.

Levi’s been super cute lately. I swear he learned to shake his head “no” when he doesn’t want something. I have no idea who taught him that or if it’s just a coincidence. I pureed some broccoli and he doesn’t seem to like it very much and will shake his head back and forth when I try to feed it to him. It’s hilarious! For a few nights he was only waking up once and it was amazing but for some reason the past two nights he’s been waking up every 2-3 hours and it was killling me. It’s awful. I’m not sure why he’s doing this. I don’t know how people sleep train their babies. I’ve tried and have given up on that dream. He still sleeps with us in our bed, too. Well, he starts out in his crib and eventually we bring him in around 3/4AM because we’re just so exhausted and don’t feel like fighting with his tiredness and once he’s in our bed he passes out so, whatever. He’s been starting to sit up with not much assistance and his 9 month clothing is already starting to get snug! At his doctor appointment last Thursday he weighed a whopping 22 pounds and he’s 27 1/2 inches tall! The doctor said he’s measuring as a 10 month old. Holy crap, right? He’s a big ass baby! I guess this what the outcome is when your partner is 6’2″ and like, 260 pounds.

An update on how my workouts have been going…they’re definitely making me feel stronger! I’m not losing weight as fast as I thought I would but I’m out of the 160’s now so thats something, right? I’ve come to terms with the fact that this might be a slower than anticipated process. It’s rough sometimes! I love food. Doesn’t everyone? I’m not the kind of person to meal prep because I can’t eat the same meal for two or three days. I love to cook, I love to try new recipes. I cook different meals each week! I have my favorites and I’ll use them regularly but a lot of the times I cook random meals and I eat the leftovers the next day for lunch but I don’t usually eat them longer than a day after. Personally I think it’s gross. So yeah, I could never meal prep bland chicken with a baked sweet potato and vegetables. Not me. Nope. I still get my chocolate fix in. I know cutting sweets out completely would really set me up for success but as much as I want to lose weight and look good, I also want to live my life! 72% dark chocolate is my ISH and I love it. One little square of it after lunch or dinner satisfies my sweet tooth completely and I won’t give that up.

Anyways, last week was pretty tough for me and I think this week might be too with the things going on. I’m preparing myself to be completely exhausted by the end of it. It’s going to be Levi’s first Halloween and even though we’re not trick-or-treating, I’m still looking forward to it. I can’t wait to share what our matching costumes are! It’s really funny and I’m sure he’ll love it when he’s older, haha.

6 Months Postpartum.

Check out these two cuties from my work over the weekend. They got adopted because of this picture I took 🙂

Levi is going to be 6 months tomorrow! I get super emotional when I think/talk about it. I just cannot believe it’s been six months since bringing him into this world! He’s grown so much and he brings such joy to everyone in our family. He’s starting to sit up already on his own and he’s doing so well! We’ve been dealing with a rash lately that we think is caused from his drool going onto his shirt and then his shirt rubbing his chest? We’ll see what the doctor thinks on Thursday at his appointment. Lately I’ve been really wishing I could stay at home with him more because I miss him a lot when I’m away from him.

Today I had to have a procedure done and I’m still not feeling 100% so I’m currently in bed while Levi takes a nap. I’d try to sleep, too, but with my luck he’ll wake up soon. I was lucky yesterday and got in a nap and Jesse watched Levi and took him for a walk while I slept. Dad goals. Which by the way, how did I get so lucky to have a partner who loves his son so much?! I mean, you’d think that that’s normal but I get emails from a group I joined through an app on my phone and some of these dads are awful! Totally not saying all dads are awful by the way…just saying it shocked me how long it takes for some men to connect with their babies. I guess it makes a little sense since they didn’t actually carry the child for 40 weeks.

I’ve been thinking lately how bad I want to move. I wish we could just pack up our stuff and leave to a different state. Washington to be exact. I crave the green scenery that California lacks. I want nice, crisp, fresh air and cooler weather. It also is way cheaper out there so a house in California is 10x smaller than a house in Washington for the same price. When we bought the house we live in now it was a tough decision. We could have bought a house for the same price a few cities over that would have been bigger with a yard and a garage but the commute to work and home would have been awful that we decided to buy a townhouse in a city that went against traffic. I always feel bad when I see everyone sitting in traffic to and from work in the mornings/afternoons. Totally not worth it to me. So one day I’d love to move. Hopefully within the next few years. It sucks since family lives here but I crave something new and different.

This post is short. I don’t have much to update you guys on. Maybe I’ll go into more detail about my procedure in a different post but for now it’s just too personal for me to talk about. It’s a little TMI. Levi’s doing great. He’s super silly and I love him so much I want to squeeze him just thinking about him. Jesse and I are doing well. Wilson and Moka are doing fine, too. No gym for me today since I had that appointment so I’ll be going Thursday and Friday. I’m making stew for dinner tonight which sounds so comforting and I already can’t wait. I bought frozen green beans at the store to turn into baby food for Levi so I’m excited for him to try that later this week. I’m exhausted so I’m going to try to rest some more 🙂 talk to you next week!

25 Weeks Postpartum.

So I’m going start this post off with a little baby daddy appreciation! He completely surprised me Thursday night by doing a feeding for me (It was my night) and also offering to take Levi to my parents house Friday for me (it’s on my way to work which is why I do it, and really out of his way) so I could get an extra 20 minutes of sleep! You might not think an extra 20 minutes does anything but it does! He said he did it because he knows how little sleep I get compared to him and how tiring my job is for me and what not. It was completely out of the blue and much appreciated. It’s the little things like that that make me so glad to have him. He does a lot more for me, too, but this surprised me in the best way. He had two late softball games last week and an event that was super late as well so I was on my own a lot.

My schedule is pretty intense (for me). Monday’s and Thursday’s I go to the gym in the mornings for my workouts and then the rest of the day is spent with Levi by myself and Jesse has his softball games those days so depending on the times, I have to be on my own most of the day which is tiring. The remaining days of the week I work (T,W,F,S) and and once I’m off I pick Levi up from wherever he is and get home, shower off any work residue, cook, clean, take care of baby, then sleep. Sunday’s are usually family days for us because it’s the only day we can do things together. We usually do errands together like grocery shopping and also clean the house. I don’t really like making plans on Sunday’s because they’re special to me. I wish I didn’t have to work Saturdays but I do unfortunately. I honestly have no idea how moms work out during the week if they’re working 40 hours. Like, how do you have time for that plus making dinner and taking care of your kids? I feel guilty being away from Levi especially if I haven’t seen him all day while I’ve been at work. I couldn’t imagine only seeing him for an hour or so. I’d rather have a mom bod than miss out on seeing my kid!

Speaking of mom bod. I had my assessment last week and it’s SO embarrassing that after all the work I’ve put in, especially with food, I only lost 1 pound. 1. One. ONE. I know I had days where I wasn’t perfect and messed up but I thought I would have done better than that. It was a wake up call. Honestly I HATE counting calories. It sucks and I think it’s stupid. I’d rather count carbs since it worked for me in the past. I mentioned it to my trainer and she said for me to try it out this month and see if it makes a difference so that’s what I’m going to do. I know you have to be in a deficit to lose weight but I see myself getting upset and frustrated with myself not being under my calorie goal and it is so hard for me. Sometimes I’m starving still and I want more food and I end up making bad choices. Counting carbs is easier for me and although stressful, it doesn’t make me feel bad about myself nearly as much as counting calories. So I’m hoping a change will happen with my body this month! I mean, I lost body fat which is good, and had some other improvements but I still hate how I look. Maybe I’m too hard myself but I just hate feeling uncomfortable all of the time. It sucks.

Another topic I wanted to address was my diabetes. It’s improved while doing this life change but since I’ve had a few bad days with food, it’s also been a bit bad. I’ve woken up three times in the past week with really high blood sugar since it goes up while I sleep. I don’t wear my dexcom anymore (I think I touched on this before) and maybe I should start. I just love the freedom of not having to have something attached to me. I also can’t really afford it right now. I’m torn over it. I know it would help me stay on track a lot more. Sometimes I don’t care about my blood sugar numbers and then I remind myself that one day, if they’re always running high, I’ll be in big trouble. Continuous High blood sugar can cause damage to your nerves, blood vessels, and organs. It can cause damage to your eyes and kidneys. If your blood sugar is too high or too low you could go into a diabetic coma which can lead to brain damage or death. Diabetes is serious shit, people! It’s insane and scary at times. I experienced a low blood sugar while Jesse was at his event last week and I freaked out and started to stuff my mouth with anything I thought would bring up my blood sugar. I ate and then checked it again and it was even lower so I ended up eating more food. Goodbye calorie deficit! I ended up being fine and my blood sugar went sky high afterwards. I probably shouldn’t have over ate like I did but I panicked. I fear going really low and not being able to take care of Levi. What if I passed out and he woke up and needed me or was hungry or got hurt? It scares the crap out of me! I have a feeling my weight loss journey will be a slow one but I’ve accepted that…

So for a couple days I’ve been quite down and couldn’t really figure out why until I got my period Saturday. It makes sense why I was crying a lot Sunday. I also visited my nana and papa at the cemetery so that was also a tear jerker and got me super emotional. Man, I miss that woman. No lie, I still think about her daily. I wish she were still here. Anyways, I’m feeling better now. I’m still in a weird antisocial mood, though. I get like this a lot. I just don’t care to talk to or see anyone. I’m too wrapped up in my own thoughts and figuring things out in my life that the thought of being around other people really overwhelms me. Not sure what my problem is but my mind hasn’t been clear lately so it’s hard for me to do things for others. I feel bad disappointing people but I just mentally can’t do things. Do I make sense? Who knows if others have ever felt the way I do so I hope I’m not speaking gibberish. Oh well.

Well, to make this end on a happier note, I am excited to dress Levi up for Halloween. We really have no plans so I may have wasted my money on this costume but I think it’ll be super cute. He seriously brightens my days up. He’s so freakin cute. He does this really silly thing with his mouth while he eats. Unfortunately I think I taught him that because I was messing around with him while he was eating and then he started mimicking me. I made peas last week and he’s been loving them all week! I think it’s his favorite. I made butternut squash yesterday so I’m excited for him to try it today. I had someone tell me they had no time to make their own baby food and it seemed super negative the way they said it towards me (they said something else too) and I remember it putting me in a bad mood making me think I wasn’t going to be able to do it but I’ve been doing it successfully! It’s literally the easiest thing in the world. You steam/boil whatever fruit or veggie you want to make, then you blend it in a blender or food processor and voila! Baby purée! Steaming/boiling only takes 10-15 minutes or less, depending on the food. I then put in a silicone ice cube tray which makes it easy to pop out the cubes when frozen. Once frozen I pop out all the cubes and keep them in a giant ziploc bag that’s labeled with what kind of purée it is and how long it’s good for. When ready to use I take two cubes and heat in a bowl for about 30 seconds or less until melted and I wait for it to cool down before feeding of course. I put the baby purée recipe book on my shower registry and my friend got it for me (thanks, Tara!) and I’m so glad I have it! I also look purées up on Pinterest so I recommend that too if you don’t have a book. If you notice on the pre made purées it’ll say they expire NEXT YEAR! Gross. It’ll also have added ingredients like Citric Acid (probably to preserve) and maybe other stuff. I’ve fed him pre made purées because my in laws got it for us and I also bought some at Sprouts when I didn’t have mine that I made (I found purées with only one ingredient – the food that it said it was). I prefer not to feed him that stuff but i also don’t want to waste it, either. I’m not trying to be some stuck up foodie over here so please don’t take it that way. I just didn’t realize that baby food had stuff in it that didn’t need to be in it. I completely understand that some people really don’t have time to do this kind of stuff or they simply just aren’t interested in doing it. It was just in my certain situation where I had someone making me feel like they were doubting me or just making me feel icky with their negativity instead of being more supportive, if that makes sense. I’m really proud of myself for doing it.

Levi’s been growing so much well need to upgrade to a convertible car seat soon! We actually just purchased one on amazon yesterday so I can’t wait until it arrives. Since he’s grown a lot he is really squished in his car seat and always looks uncomfortable! Poor guy! He’s definitely on the bigger side at his age. It’s funny seeing my friends babies who were born before him and they look so much smaller than him. We call Levi our burly boy, lol. I get so emotional when I think of him growing up. He’s going to be 6 months old soon and my heart can’t take it. I really can’t believe it’s been that long since he’s been on this earth! He’s such a freaking blessing it’s insane. I can’t wait to give him a sibling! I honestly don’t care what I have next. I’d be happy either way 💗