Well, we’re almost to the finish line! Only a few more weeks left. I’m anxious, scared, excited, relieved. All the emotions.

Lately my symptoms have been restless leg syndrome at night, indigestion before bed, going pee a million times a day, still moody, terrible pelvic pain, constipation, headaches, and not much of an appetite or wanting to cook.

It’s all fun stuff over here guys. kidding. Totally kidding. I’m pretty miserable most of the time. Which really bums me out because I want to be happy and I don’t know how to find happiness.

I finally have a therapist who I really like and so far it’s been going well with her. I still have some highs and lots of lows. I’ll probably start Zoloft in a couple of weeks to help with postpartum. I’m really nervous for PPD and not connecting with my baby. Like, very scared about it. But at least I’ll have some support to help me through. i don’t really feel like I have a huge support system. I mean, I have friends who I can talk to but at home I feel completely isolated. And it really sucks.

I was having an Okay day until this evening. Sometimes communication in a relationship is tough, especially when one person doesn’t want to communicate. I’m left with all these thoughts in my head and they start to consume me and I start to get angry. but I don’t know how to fix it.

Anyways, diabetes wise I’m all burnt out. I’m ready to give up at this point but of course I won’t. My pump leaves a bunch of marks all over my stomach that itch like crazy. I’m somehow allergic to the adhesive. So I can’t wait until that goes away after having baby. Maybe I’ll go back on MDI for a bit to give my body a break from the pump because honestly it’s kind of annoying to deal with. Although convenient.

Anyways, there’s not much I have to say. I’m depressed a lot of the time. I just want to be happy but it seems hard to do most days. A lot of people bother me and I can’t help it. I don’t feel like I have the best support system at home (including family members). I’m agitated easily. Nobody really understands me or really tries to. I usually get insulted “oh you’re so crabby” “you’re so emotional” “god you’re so sensitive”

Those comments actually hurt my feelings. But why do they care

Hiiiii!

Time is starting to fly by and I’m only panicking a little bit, lol. Let’s start out with symptoms I’m currently dealing with. Still emotional as ever and struggling with my mental health, still dealing with pelvic pain and I can’t even enjoy short simple walks without being in pain the rest of the day, getting full fast and not having the biggest appetite, itchy belly (also due to my insulin pump sites), some new stretch marks here and there, INDIGESTION!! Man oh man, never have I experienced this before and I had to look it up actually. I can’t eat until I’m full or have a bed time snack as I will feel so nauseated. It actually is happening as I type this out. It’s so gross and I hate the feeling. Another is getting leg cramps here and there, and of course getting to pee like 2-3x a night. I’m also dealing with some cystic acne but I think it’s mostly my fault and not the pregnancy itself.

Diabetes time! My blood sugars are actually doing quite well. I’m hoping I can continue on with this good streak until baby arrives because I have struggled a lot but I finally think I’m in a good space and I do the best that I can.

Because my ultrasounds at the doctors have been absolutely horrible, I decided to do a 4d ultrasound! It was such a cool experience and my baby is just the absolute cutest ever!! I can’t wait to meet them. We brought Levi with us so he was able to see the baby on the “tv screen” as he would say haha! I got the best photos and I’m just obsessed! It definitely makes things more real.

Now, this news sucks but Jesse tested positive for covid on Monday. I’ve felt pretty off since Sunday but I tested myself twice and it’s come back negative both times! I truly believe I have it but there’s not much I can do? He pretty much had all the symptoms on Monday but now he’s doing better and just has a cough and congestion. I’m really grateful I got my booster shot a week prior!! Could you imagine? I honestly couldn’t deal with being sick all over again. I mean, I definitely feel like I have something going on (head fog/fatigue/sore throat) but going through all the symptoms just doesn’t sound fun to me. So here’s hoping we both feel better by the weekend. Luckily Levi is doing just fine.

Speaking of, I feel like I need to talk about my son really quick. He is seriously the funniest and sweetest boy and damn I am one lucky mama. I couldn’t imagine having a more perfect kid. He tells me he loves me, cuddles me, gives me kisses, and makes me laugh like no other. He is so kind and he makes being a mom so freaking enjoyable. He’s learning so much and has started to draw people and cars and race tracks and I just love it so much. I get so sad because I don’t want him to grow up. I love how little he is and I love watching him learn new things and get more brave to try new stuff. Gah, I love my baby!! And I can’t wait for him to be a big brother because he’s going to be the absolute best I just know it!

Happy New Year everyone!

I really hope this new year brings everyone what they’re hoping for. There will always be hard times but I hope you get moments of pure joy and happiness ❤️

I’ll try not to be too depressing in this post, lol.

Let’s start with blood sugars! They’ve actually be doing pretty good but also my Dexcom hasn’t been 100% accurate so it’s also lying to me telling me my blood sugars are good when they aren’t haha. Who knows. I’m trying to buckle down on this last trimester! I think I want an insulin pump break after this baby is born. I’m just really tired of having this thing attached to me! I want my belly to be free of devices for a while. I don’t mind giving myself injections all the time honestly. Don’t get me wrong, the pump is extremely convenient and that’s a massive plus but my insulin pump sites are irritating my skin and making me so itchy and I’m over it.

Baby time…okay I’m just really looking forward to this little babe to be born. I can’t wait to hold them and find out what they are! I love feeling them move around in there and kick the crap out of me. I feel like my belly is so big I’m not sure how I can go two more months and I’m curious to how big I’ll get.

Which…actually makes me nervous. I’m still having an extremely hard time with my preggo body and I’m insecure about 99% of the time. I find my appearance to be absolutely repulsive. I hate everything from my head to my toes. It really sucks. I can’t wait until I can workout and make myself feel better again.

This pregnancy has been so hard on my body. I’m in pain all the time. All day. From the moment I wake up until I go to bed. My pelvic area hurts so bad and during the week at work my back pain has been starting to act up as if I’m about to throw my back out with one wrong move. I have a dr appt coming up and I’m going to ask about maternity leave and what not. Apparently I can take 4 weeks off before my due date but I’m always in pain I’m going to see if I can get more. I love that I get a lot of steps in at work and I walk a lot and it’s good for me physically but sheesh, I can’t imagine doing this as I get bigger.

We’ll see what happens. Anyways, I still can’t believe I’m 29 weeks!!!!! Time has been flying by.

So I turn 26 weeks today! I feel like this pregnancy has been going by so fast and I haven’t had a moment to really enjoy it. I’m constantly filled with anxiety, depression, and just being overwhelmed with life.

My bump is pretty large and in charge and I’m not entirely sure how it could even get any bigger. I watch workout vids on Instagram and it makes me so eager to work out. It’s so sad that I’m already thinking about losing this weight when I feel like I should be enjoying my growing belly (since it’s housing a human and all). I guess I just constantly worry about if I’ll even get back to how I was or just the strength I once had. I don’t want to be uncomfortable in my body anymore.

Speaking of, I’m constantly uncomfortable. My sciatica pain is an every day thing. My pelvic pain is also an every day thing. Some days are easier than others but unfortunately there’s not much to help with it. Yoga? Sure, that’ll work for a little bit. I find most comfort just laying down. Which in turn makes me feel guilty for being a potato and not doing fun activities with my son. It’s no wonder he usually prefers playing with my husband, he’s the fun parent.

Also having a toddler while pregnant and T1D means allll the sickness. I am sick now for the 3rd time this pregnancy and they kick my ass each time. Is this normal? Should I be concerned? I feel like I can’t catch a break and it’s so depressing to me. If it’s not my body that hurts, it’s me being sick in some form. Damn, I’m sorry if this post is depressing but that’s how I feel all the time. I just feel so isolated. I actually have a dr appt later on to fit me with a therapist because I had expressed these feelings with my doctor. I’m super anxious about it to be honest. Look, I can be a total chatterbox when I’m around certain people but I never share super personal information. Maybe I’ll share a little sprinkle of my personal life but I just don’t like talking about personal things.

Anyways, I keep feeling like I’m failing at something. If it isn’t my relationship, it’s being a mom or if it isn’t that it’s failing at being a diabetic carrying a child. Constantly feeling like I’m not giving my baby the perfect home to grow and develop. I worry every day I’m fucking it up somehow. Are their ears okay? Eyes? 10 toes? 10 fingers? Brain development doing well? I feel like if something happened to my baby it would all be my fault because I’m not perfect with my management. Constantly sitting at 70-75% in range. Im trying to do my best but it’s so damn hard.

I don’t know man, this pregnancy has me beat. Also don’t think I’m going to have a baby shower, which makes me really sad. And I wanted to do a photo shoot but I don’t feel confident enough to do one. Im so sad I’m not enjoying this pregnancy. I want to enjoy it so bad. But I also just want it to hurry up and be over so I can hold my baby in my arms. I can’t wait for that day.

So it’s been a little while…and I’ll be 24 weeks this Thursday. I wanted to share updates from the last couple of weeks!

First, let’s talk diabetes. I can’t seem to get myself about the 70% range (of being “in range”). 70% isn’t terrible…but it isn’t amazing either. I struggle with my lunches and dinners still. Eating too much without realizing or maybe just choosing the wrong foods. Idk. I’m not sure why I just can’t stay super strict. I was soo strict when I was pregnant with Levi and for some reason I’m more relaxed this time around. I just feel so sad sometimes because I wonder if I’m hurting my baby. And if I am, well, then it’s all my fault you know? Why can’t I have more dedication? What’s wrong with me? Even when I try I feel like I’m failing. I don’t know what to do really. With the holidays coming up I feel extra challenged. I remember doing well at thanksgiving with my first pregnancy. I worry about this thanksgiving…

In other news, baby was fine during the 2nd trimester ultrasound. And I covered my eyes while they looked at the sex of the baby so yes, it’s still a mystery to me! I was so relieved to find everything looking well and on track. The baby has been moving lots lately and still kicking pretty low but sometimes I’ll get a punch or something up higher in my belly. I love putting Levi’s hand on my stomach so he can feel it too. I truly do not care whether it’s a boy or a girl and maybe that’s why I just don’t care about finding out until they arrive into the world. Im so excited for their arrival and sometimes I wish I could just hold them right now. Last night I had a dream it was a girl and she was absolutely beautiful. It made me sad when my alarm went off because I didn’t want to wake up from the dream.

In terms of symptoms I’ve been dealing with, it’s mostly physical. I still have sciatica and now I’m experiencing a lot of pelvic pain. Mostly pain in my vagina (sorry tmi) or inner thighs. It’s extremely unpleasant and hurts to walk. After speaking with my doctor and work, I just try to limit my bending over but after working for a few hours I still end up in pain. I wish I could just stay home and not have to go to work, to be honest. It just hurts! I’ve discovered that I can no longer wear my vans. I wore them to the grocery store and immediately started being in pain while I was shopping. When I wear my athletic shoes, I don’t feel that way. So now I’m on the hunt for cute athletic shoes that still provide the comfort I need. I also bought myself a belly support band and I wear that to work. I’ve noticed it definitely helps! Other than all of that, I’m pretty good. I still have days where I wake up and am just so insecure and find my reflection absolutely repulsive. That really sucks.

Levi’s doing well. He’s such a happy boy and I freakin love him so much! I think he’s going to love being a big brother. Im trying to cherish all this time I have with him, where it’s just us 3. We’re taking him to Disneyland in a couple weeks and I’m hoping he has fun and enjoys it!

Hello all.

I got back from my honeymoon on Monday and it was quite difficult to go back to work Wednesday. So difficult that I almost cried on the way, lol. Real life just set in ya know? Responsibilities and chores and just all the things got me down. Lots of stress. The only thing that made me excited to be home was seeing my son! God, I was so excited to see him. He was so happy to come home. I just love him so freaking much. Sometimes I truly believe he has to be the most loved kid in the world because we constantly hug and kiss him and tell him we love him. Spoiled in the best way possible, in my opinion!

Our honeymoon was great! Very relaxing and definitely what we needed. I look back now and I’m so happy we were able to spend that time together. It’s really hard to spend quality time together these days, sometimes I feel so out of sync with one another. My blood sugars were alright, sometimes hard to manage but I did the best I could and tried to give myself grace through it all, knowing it was a small moment in time for my pregnancy.

Speaking of blood sugars, I’m still not 100% where I’d like to be and it makes me sad because I’m already in my 5th month but according to my dr I’m doing well. I remember when I was pregnant last time, the dr kept telling me to ease up a little. So maybe I am doing quite alright this time? I just worry I’m gonna fuck up somehow and it’s scary. My best work is usually during the week since I have a solid routine of what I eat and when. I usually stay 70% in range and apparently that’s okay. I would rather be 80% but I can only keep trying.

As far as symptoms go, my mental health seems to be doing a lot better. I don’t feel depressed every single day anymore and I definitely feel less emotional. That was a wild 3-4 months not going to lie. It was really really hard and even harder because nobody really understood so I felt very isolated. I still get down sometimes but not as severe as before. My nausea is like 98% gone! Sometimes I’ll feel it if I’ve eaten too much or something, but no more nausea lasting all day/evening. Thank goodness!! I still have sciatic nerve pain, especially during the week when I work. My body starts to slowly shut down on me around 10-11am. It’s hard because my job can be super active and they are understanding but at the same time…what am I supposed to do? Sit down for hours doing nothing? Also, once the nerve pain starts to act up even sitting down starts to hurt, especially getting up. It’ll last all evening. I noticed I don’t experience any pain on the weekends and didn’t have any pain during my vacation. Not sure what’ll end up happening at work. Guess we’ll see.

I’m starting to get back into cooking which brings me so much joy! I’ve got this weeks dinners all planned out. Could be the weather change (it’s currently raining and I love it) or that I’m feeling better, don’t know for sure but I’ll take it while I can. I still eat pretty much the same foods and still loving my fruit for my snacks at work! Got a couple yogurts too. Also still loving hot Cheetos here and there, lol. It’s called balance okay?

OH YEAH! And I’m finally feeling the baby kick. Started around the end of week 17. It’s what I’ve been waiting for for so long and I just love it so much. It’s so reassuring to me and it’s just the best feeling to me. Levi loves talking to my belly sometimes to say hello to the baby. Thinking about him being a big brother melts my heart because he is so kind and gentle and good to me that I just get so happy our new baby will be blessed with a brother like him. How lucky.

Of course I have my moments of worry though. I worry how I’ll be able to be a mom of two and keep myself happy. Kids can definitely put a strain on a relationship and mental health. I know I already struggle, and definitely did struggle when Levi was a baby. I wonder how can I love this baby as much as Levi? Will I become a shitty parent? Am I already one? There’s just..,a lot. There’s so much excitement yet worry all at the same time. I’m not sure how I’ll do this but I’m sure I’ll get through it.

Hiii!!

So I’ll be 17 weeks tomorrow (!!) but figured I’d let ya know how the last two weeks were. For one, still emotional but last week was probably the best week depression-wise. As in, I was in a good mood pretty much all week! It was great. This week is going pretty smoothly also but def don’t want to jinx myself here. We leave for Kauai next Wednesday and I am so freaking excited!! We’re going to be celebrating our one year anniversary and also our honeymoon since we didn’t get one last year.

I finally got some more maternity jeans in the mail and now I have three pairs instead of one lol. It just really makes all the difference because I like wearing jeans to work so I needed to have more! Speaking of work, I now have a 30 pound limit and it limits me from walking dogs weighing more than that. Bums me out but also it’s necessary. I’ve been dealing with a lot of sciatica pain daily and work has really been wearing out my body. Towards the middle of my shift my body just hurts and even when I sit down I don’t feel much relief. It really sucks and I’m hoping it somehow goes away eventually. I still get nauseated here and there, mostly after dinner or towards the evening.

My blood sugars were way out of whack for a few days last week and it finally dawned on me to adjust my settings. So far they’ve been doing well since then! Makes me really happy and proud. I got to see little one on Monday. The little feet made me shed a tear, they were so cute!! I’m kind of over doctor appointments already and all the appointments they want me to go to. Eye doctor, EKG??? I don’t understand that one but whatever. Oh and more bloodwork, lol. It really overwhelms me to be honest. It’s just a lot to do especially when I feel like I don’t have time.

Anyways, I will update more after our vacation!! I’m so stoked about it and I can’t believe it’s already coming up. I’ve waited all year for this!

Okay so apologies for not writing week 13! I just felt like it was like all the others so I decided to skip. 14 weeks was similar, except I did have a few good days of little to no nausea. Some days are worse than others but luckily it’s not an every day thing anymore.

Other symptoms, which are somewhat the same, are constipation, sciatica, I some lower abdomen pain once last week and I just did a bunch of stretches that really seemed to help. I don’t have much food aversions but I still seem to be a little picky when it comes to dinner haha. So maybe I do? Idk lol. I still have extreme ups and downs (mostly downs). My OBGYN recommended I see a therapist so I need to get on that. I’ve just been procrastinating, big time. I just keep trying to tell myself I can work through it on my own but last week it definitely effected my work and that isn’t good at all. I see that as a red flag. I just get so sad or so mad really quickly and there’s just no control.

Diabetes wise, I’m doing alright. Probably could be better to be honest. I was in range 80% of the time and my doctor congratulated me on that so that was cool! Before, I had only been above 70. Today wasn’t the best day in range because I think something was wrong with my pump and I took too long to replace the cartridge so I was high for a while. I kept giving myself insulin and my blood sugars just wouldn’t budge! It was so frustrating! But I’m doing better now that it’s been changed.

I keep waiting to feel baby kick! I’m totally looking forward to that the most. It’s just an extra little reassuring thing that lets me know baby is okay. My next appointment is on the 4th so I’m already anticipating that!

Man, last week was an absolute doozy if I do say so myself. Emotions are at an all time high. I hate to jump into something sad right at the beginning but I think not many women talk about depression during pregnancy. Or maybe they do, idk.

I have many different reasons for the things that make me sad these days. I think one huge one is my body. With Levi, I started at such a smaller weight and it took a while before I even started to show. I loved being pregnant and I loved how my body looked. I was so confident. Now, at 12 weeks (13 when you read this), my jeans are already too tight. I don’t feel attractive and my self esteem is very low. I wake up and go to sleep with my new belly, which is housing the most precious thing right now, but I’m having trouble accepting and loving it. I bought maternity jeans but they’re too big for me right now so they don’t fit. I don’t feel comfortable in any of my shirts either. It makes me not want to leave my house for anything. What’s the point when I have nothing to wear that makes me feel good? Or I’m wearing the same outfits over and over again. It just really bums me out. I keep wondering how I even have a husband when I feel so ugly and gross.

I’m also starting to feel very alone again. I know physically I’m not alone. Just mentally. Like I have nobody who can truly relate to me and how I feel. I spoke to my doctor and she recommends I seek out some therapy which I completely agree with. I think it would be really beneficial right now. I just have to take the jump and do it.

As far as other symptoms go, my nausea has gotten so much better. I actually cooked a lot! I’m having less food aversions. Starting to get full quite fast which I remember happening last time and it’s working out perfectly since my doctor wanted me to lower my carb intake anyways. I feel like my blood sugars are doing so much better, too. I’m trying really really hard to stay on track. I still have sciatica that mostly flares up at work when I’m on my feet all day. I should probably do some stretches for that but always forget.

Anyways, this isn’t very eventful! I could have found out the sex of the baby last week but didn’t. We are trying to stick to the plan of keeping it a surprise!

So today I’m 12 weeks pregnant but let’s talk about the past week…

I am completely over this nausea. It’s kicking my ass. One minute I’m fine and the next I swear I’m going to throw up (I never do). I’m exhausted all the time. The sciatica in my butt cheek hurts like a biatch. My emotions are WILD. At least I don’t have too many food aversions and was able to cook about 3 times this past week! That’s a win for me because definitely hasn’t been a thing at all lately, lol.

I think I’m doing a lot better with my diabetes management. I’ve buckled down and have taken my carbs seriously and have been trying really hard to keep my max at 45. I will sometimes go to 50 or 60 because let’s be realistic here, I can’t always have 45g of carbs. But I try my best. I’m trying to make sure I eat more veggies (although carbs are still life). I did have one scary day yesterday though. I accidentally gave myself 15 UNITS of insulin instead of typing in 15g of carbs on my pump. When I noticed, I freaked out and immediately started to cry and panic. my thought was “how the fuck will I get out of this one?!” I drank about 2 Gatorades and put my pump on exercise mode to just slow down my basal insulin. I was at work when it happened so I had them call and ambulance. I luckily did not have to go to the hospital and my blood sugar actually stayed relatively high (200) but I was fine with that. Anything to prevent a tragic low!! Lows give me so much anxiety and scare me sooo much. I think if you’ve also experience a scary low that you can relate and understand how traumatic it can be.

There’s not much else to really update on?? I can’t think of any other specific things maybe other than me meeting with my high risk pregnancy doctor last Monday and that went well. I had the option to find out the sex of the baby along with the genetic testing and I declined! Am I crazy?? Are we really going to wait until baby is born?! We’re going to try, lol.

Omg in unrelated news, this past week was just emotional and so much happened especially with the Caldor fire! Our family cabin was sooo close to getting burned down and it SURVIVED! What are the chances?? It’s absolutely wild but we are so thankful. For some reason, even though I was worried, I was oddly calm about the whole thing as if I just knew our cabin would be fine. I didn’t wanna admit it to anyone at the time but I just wasn’t as nervous about it being damaged. I’m sure there’s some damage but at least it’s still standing and looks to be in good shape. I hope the fire doesn’t last too long because I feel so bad for everyone dealing with it right now. It’s got to be so exhausting, emotionally and physically (for the ones fighting it!).

Anyways, I bought some unisom so here’s hoping it helps with the nausea and knocks me out!