24 Weeks Postpartum.

My trainer completely kicked my butt today during my workout! Whew. It’s been a couple of hours later and I’m still feeling tired from it. I didn’t tell her that I was super close to wanting to barf, lol. I had a burrito last night for dinner and woke up feeling like total garbage. Probably didn’t help that my blood sugar was 255! When it comes to rice,beans, and cheese it’s a slow incline in my blood sugar so it was fine when I checked it before bed but clearly rose in the middle of the night. I don’t wear my Dexcom anymore so I don’t know my middle of the night numbers. Anyways, thinking of last nights dinner still makes me want to barf. Gross! Definitely wasn’t worth it!

I had a pretty tough night with Levi last night. He didn’t sleep for long periods of times so I was up several times. Weird, because the night before he slept for 7 hours and then 5 hours! That’s the first 7 hour stretch of sleep he had ever done so I was really hoping it was going to happen again last night. Oh well. We finally took apart the baby swing! It’s so nice to have more space in my house. I purchased a pac n play mattress so that he could take his naps in the pac n play downstairs. It’s working out really well so far, he’s napping it in right now and yesterday he took a two hour nap in it. In other exciting news, we’ve been trying a lot of foods! So far we’ve tried applesauce, sweet potato (his fave), avocado, and banana. He’s not the biggest fan of baby rice cereal so honestly I don’t use that because it doesn’t have any nutritional value anyways. I finally got my silicone ice cube trays so I made my own sweet potato purรฉe for him! It’s super easy to do and only took me 15 minutes or so. Next I want to make some pea purรฉe and I probably should be doing that right now but I’m SO exhausted today so I’m soaking up this time to chill and relax and be a potato.

So I was thinking of something yesterday and it made me super sad. When I had Levi, I never took a photo with me and Jesse right after. When people have babies that’s like the first photo they post and we never even did that. Honestly it’s not a big deal I guess but it brought back memories of how I was after giving birth. I remember I was exhausted and felt super sick. I feel kind of guilty for not feeling over the moon and happy and excited about just having a baby. Can anyone else relate? I hope so. I couldn’t help but cry a little and luckily Jesse told me that I’m fine and it’s okay. Just having a little positivity during my sadness made me feel better about feeling like shit. It’s just a photo. I also remember feeling gross and ugly and just wanting to shower and get the heck out of the hospital. I don’t know why I started thinking about that and feeling down over it. He’s literally the light of my life and the cutest little chunk! Can’t imagine my life without him!

Comparison Is The Thief Of Joy.

As I lay here in bed I have continuous thoughts of self doubt run through my mind. It’s only 9pm. The baby is asleep. Jesse is at his softball game. I really should be washing my face, getting Levi’s stuff ready for his grandmas house tomorrow, and prepping my lunch. Instead I’m filled with anxiousness and worry.

Anyone else feel stuck? In my opinion, success is measured by happiness. You could have graduated college with a PhD and make tons of money, but if you’re not happy are you successful? You could be a stay at home mom (or dad) and barely have any money and be extremely happy every day and to me that would mean you’re extremely successful in life. So if I believe that then why do I compare myself to others who make more than I do or have higher college degrees? I’ll find myself going down the Instagram rabbit hole of comparing my life to others. “Why couldn’t I have kept going in school instead of stopping at an associates degree?” “Why didn’t I major in something I actually liked?” “How come I still don’t know what I want to do in life?”

I almost envy those who went to college and got a degree and are actually doing something with that degree. I fell in love with psychology and sociology. I thought I wanted to be a psychiatrist. Then I thought I wanted to be a radiologist. I didn’t like the classes I was taking so I went back to majoring in psych. By the end of my last semester I was done. Mentally I wasn’t there. I could only handle taking two classes at a time because I couldn’t focus for the life of me. I was barely hanging on. Once I got my degree I was finished. My plans of moving forward for a Bachelors degree was dunzo.

My first job was at a sandwich shop which I’d say was a great first job as a teen/early 20’s. You learn customer service which is good for your people skills but also shitty since people suck and they’re mean and treat you like crap when you’re making their food. After I quit that job to focus on school I ended up getting a job at a pet store. This is where I learned that people REALLY suck. I stayed for a couple of years before I finally had enough. When you’re a cashier people treat you like you’re the scum between their toes. It’s awful! Also, people who own pets and go to the pet store multiple times per week are insane (sorry if you’re one of those people). I’m obsessed with my dog and cat but not enough to go to the pet store to hang out. Anyways, I learned a lot about myself with that job. I finished school while working there. I was always so embarrassed if people I went to high school with saw me working there. I was always mortified. Like, hey successful person I went so high school with! Look at me! Your local pet store cashier! Woo!

Totally not trying to make you feel bad for me by the way, I already felt bad for myself at the time. Now I actually have a job working with animals. I thoroughly enjoy what I do. It can be extremely stressful and exhausting at times but I enjoy it. Do I make a lot of money? Hell no. This is where I start to compare myself. I love what I do but I don’t make hardly enough money. Am I happy? Aren’t I successful in my life with what I do have, even if it’s not a lot compared to others? What about so and so who graduated and lives on her own and has an amazing career and all this extra cash to save? If they’re happy then they, too, are just as successful as me? No? What if while I’m comparing myself to her she’s actually comparing herself to me and wishing she had what I had? Wouldn’t that be wild.

Life’s crazy. We’re really in no sort of competition here. If I saw someone I went to school with working at a pet store or a sandwich shop I wouldn’t judge at all. I’ve been there. For all I know they could love their job and be extremely happy with their life. Money is money no matter what job you have, right?

I know one day I’ll need to move on. I don’t know when that’ll be. Of course I’d like to make more than I do now. Being financially secure is important to me. I probably don’t ever see myself going back to school though unless it’s a school specifically for a certain career. I don’t think I could mentally handle all the extra classes. I’m not sure what happened to me towards the end of that last semester in college.

Do you agree that success is measured by happiness? Or do you believe it’s measured by money or how many shoes/cars/misc things you have?

23 Weeks Postpartum.

So I made an amazing Tri tip salad last night and took an awesome photo with my phone. It’s now gone. So, for my blog I then decided I’d use a photo I had taken at the NorCal Night Market of me and my ice cream. I forgot to save it from my insta story. I GOT NOTHIN FOR YA! Lol, but seriously, I’m a bit annoyed with myself. Instead I’ll share a photo of the really yummy pork tamale I had! I had an awesome time with my friends, Jesse, and Levi at the night market on Saturday. We went after I got off of work so I made sure I was hungry. I had elote in a cup (sad I didn’t get the hot Cheeto kind), pork tamale, and matcha ice cream! At the end we got spam fried rice but I didn’t end up finishing that because I was completely stuffed. I know I’m on a healthy lifestyle kick but you gotta live every once in a while am I right? I wish I could have gone again on Sunday but there’s always next time! It was seriously a foodies paradise!

So after eating all of that food I wanted to make a light dinner on Sunday. We had some tri tip that I cooked with just salt, pepper, and a bit of onion powder. I cooked it in some butter and once it was done I put it on some spring mix with cucumber, avocado, tomatoes, some feta cheese, and some roasted sweet potato! SO GOOD! Definitely recommend. It’s light but also filling because of the sweet potato. 10/10.

My blood sugars have been doing amazing lately because of my change in diet. I weighed myself today and I’ve lost 2 pounds since starting my workouts and eating better! It might seem like a small number but it’s only been a couple weeks and I still let myself indulge when needed. I guess it’s somewhat of intuitive eating? I try to eat mostly Whole Foods.

I know there was something I wanted to talk about but I can’t remember. Typical Liz brain. Well I finally got a new phone yesterday! Went with the iPhone X and I’m really happy with it so far! At first my stuff didn’t transfer over with the iCloud but I went to the ATT store today and got it fixed. I love the camera quality, it’s so nice! Oh yea and with feeding Levi solids, I feel like he’s not into purรฉes. I will keep trying but I’m not sure how it’s going to work out and I’m mostly looking forward to baby LED weaning. I think that’ll be more fun and easier anyways. I’m also super paranoid about having other people feed him also. Like, will they be with him and watch him and make sure he doesn’t choke? Crazy FTM here! Can anyone relate?

22 Weeks Postpartum.

My workouts have been going amazing! I absolutely love them and look forward to them. Highly highly highly recommend if you’re able to do so! I feel so much happier and healthy already. I’ve been eating really well also. I’ve totally had a couple days where I’d indulge but if I don’t do that then I know I’ll give up or binge altogether. That’s just me, though. Some people might be able to stay strict but ya girl needs ice cream every once in a while to stay sane! I know it’s only been a little over a week but I already see a difference in my mood. My thoughts are more happy about life and I’m genuinely excited about things.

Did I mention I bought Levi’s Halloween costume? Well, I did a few weeks ago and while I was at Target I found a MATCHING costume! I’m so stoked for Halloween now and I don’t even have plans! So maybe I just wasted $25 on a matching costume but it’s all about the photos and memories, right? Right! Levi’s been doing pretty good lately with a few fussy days here and there. I’m going to assume it’s all teething related (which I think I mentioned last week). He’s finally five months old! Im going to start him on solids soon! Maybe tonight or tomorrow, I want jesse to be present when it’s happening and he’s going to be gone tonight. So yeah, most likely tomorrow. He’s getting so big I’m afraid I’ll need to pull out the 9 month clothing soon! I can’t believe it. I think he’ll be tall like his daddy ๐Ÿ™‚ He’s been rolling really well now from back to front/front to back. When I put him down to sleep I’ll place him on his side and he eventually wakes up on his tummy. He does well in the crib but we still only get 3 hour stretches in between feedings. I have NO idea how to cut back on the feedings to be honest because he wakes up crying so I’m not sure how else to help him go back to sleep? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! I read that by now he should be sleeping 6 hour stretches. That’s definitely not happening at our house! I wish, though! That would be amazing.

We had a great weekend! After work on Saturday I came home and Jesse had dropped Levi and Wilson off at my parents so we could have a date night. We went to this brewery in Dublin and had the BEST food. I ordered a chocolate molten lava cake and it was amazing. I still think about it. It was so nice to spend time with one another. I think it’s so important to have alone time and we definitely don’t do it enough. Yesterday we went over to my parents house for dinner and the dinner was also amazing! I loved being with everyone, we don’t do it that often these days.

So after he turns 6 months I’m not sure if I’ll still do weekly blog posts. I enjoy writing but sometimes I feel like not enough has gone on throughout the week for me to write about! Maybe I’ll post recipes or just write about certain topics. Sitting down and typing really relaxes me and although I’m not sure many people read my blog, I feel like I’m talking to friends. That might sound weird, I don’t know. If you know me well at all you’d know I enjoy being alone. Like, maybe too much. If I hang out with someone I’m good for a few months before seeing them again. It’s just draining to me sometimes, even though I have a lot of fun! I’m glad I have friends who (hopefully) understand that about me. I don’t think I could be friends with someone who wanted to hang out all the time. I just mentally can’t handle it. The only person I can be around 24/7 is Jesse and even then we do our own thing at home. I just love his company ๐Ÿ’— Anyways, I might post again this week if I have something else to talk about!

21 Weeks Postpartum.

I had my first workout this morning and I FEEL AMAZING. Like, wow. My body is already quite sore and I absolutely love it. It’s so addicting that when I was finished I actually didn’t want to be done. I wanted to keep going. I actually ate so bad all weekend and I was mad at myself for it. I overate, a lot. A good friend told me to continue to do good even after I failed once in the day and I’ve always had the mindset of, “oh I messed up, might as well keep messing up and I’ll do better tomorrow” but why do we wait until tomorrow? She completely changed how I thought. I am so excited to do good today and to start to feel good. I feel like I’m on a workout high right now. We started my workout doing a few minutes on the elliptical and stretching beforehand. Then we did some core, arm, and booty exercises. My legs are like jello right now. Jesse said he’s really proud of me and it felt good to hear that. I’m just so thankful to have him and family who support me. I could go to a therapist but I know that’s not what I need. I feel as if I do better when I help myself because I like to think I’m pretty self aware and I know my strengths and weaknesses and I personally just feel like going to someone wouldn’t help me. I could be wrong, though. I just think this little jumpstart on a healthier lifestyle is what I currently need to help me with what I’m going through.

Anyways, lets talk baby. He is rolling like a mad man! Primarily from his back to his stomach. He can roll from his stomach to his back but it’s a bit harder for him so sometimes he starts to cry when he’s on his stomach because he gets stuck there, haha. He’s at such a fun age and I’m living for it. I love how he stares at his toes and talks and laughs and just everything he does is amazing! I missed him so much last night while he was sleeping it was crazy. He’s sleeping the whole night in his crib! He’s also sleeping for longer stretches at a time. He’s currently been going to bed around 8:30 and will wake around 12-1. He’ll then sleep until 3-5 (depending) and then wake up again at 7-7:30. It’s great! The other night when I had to wake up for feedings I only had to wake up once which was awesome since I had to wake up at 5 for work anyways.

He’s also been getting more hair! I love it. He’s changing so much so fast and I just want to cry about it! I don’t want him to grow up! I’m also not sure if I want to start solids at 5 months. I miiiight delay until 6 months but we’ll see. He’s been sleeping so well in his crib at night that I really want to put him in there for naps during the day so we can get rid of the swing but I think that’ll be a slow process. He hasn’t been taking long naps these days which sucks. I know sleep is really important for him so i’m not sure why he isn’t sleeping much. He’s also had some rosy cheeks and I looked it up and I guess it’s a sign of teething! So I’m wondering when little teethers will be popping through. Oh man thats going to be adorable.

Well todays off to a great start and I’m excited for this week ahead! I’m already looking forward to Thursdays workout ๐Ÿ™‚

20 Weeks Postpartum.

I’ve finally made the decision, guys. After last weeks post I knew I needed some help. I contacted a personal trainer. Honestly it’s way out of my budget but I think of this as an investment in myself. It’ll be on the days I’m off, Monday’s and Thursdays in the mornings! I’m really hoping if I have someone on my side to help me be a better me physically, it’ll help me be better mentally. Right now I’m fucked, mentally. I’m constantly overwhelmed, stressed out, depressed, and irritated. I worry that adding this whole gym thing to my schedule will create more stress but I’m praying it’ll actually make my life better. I hope to be more energized, happy, and healthy. Even as I write this post I’m annoyed and irritated at some current situations in my life and having to take care of a fussy baby kind of makes things worse (but don’t get me wrong I love my son, it just makes things harder sometimes).

Anyways, on a more positive note, we just got back from Lake Tahoe today and I seriously did not want to leave. My family has a cabin up there which makes the trip even more special and fun. We went up Saturday after I got off of work, which was quite hard since Levi was pretty fussy but we made it! We spent yesterday taking walks on trails and bringing Wilson to the lake to swim. For dinner we had spaghetti, which has always been a staple when staying at the cabin. You HAVE to have spaghetti at least one night, it’s like an unspoken rule. I really could have spent weeks up there, I didn’t want to leave. The weather is perfect and the cabin is in a remote area so it’s quiet and I even saw a coyote! I was sitting outside with Levi and Wilson and I thought I saw a dog in the road and I stood up and saw that it was definitely not a dog. I rushed everyone inside for safety, haha. When I went back out to see if it was still there I could see the ears of a rabbit in the tall grass. Not a small rabbit, like a jack rabbit or whatever they’re called. Pretty cool to see those animals.

Levi has been rolling from his back to his stomach quite a lot lately but has somewhat stopped rolling from his stomach to his back? I think I need to do a lot more tummy time! I for sure think he’s in the 4 month sleep regression since he’s been a lot more fussy and hasn’t been sleeping as much. Fortunately for me he’s taking a much needed nap right now ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ I love him so much.

So I’m really stressed about this upcoming work week/life week. Hoping I’ll survive. I’ll keep you all updated in next weeks blog post!

My favorite picture I took of my boys this weekend ๐Ÿ™‚

19 Weeks Postpartum.

Hi, friends! The cold that kicked our butts last week is still making its way out of our systems. It’s mainly my system thats taking it’s sweet time to get out of, Levi is doing pretty well with only a few coughs and sneezes here and there. I’m congested AF and my cough sounds terrible and it’s very annoying. We’ve been keeping things low key lately since I still haven’t felt 100%. Since today is a holiday, Jesse has the day off and is spending it with us! I keep forgetting it’s Monday. We went and got donuts this morning for breakfast and then went to the grocery store after. Since then we’ve been relaxing at home. I started cleaning the house yesterday and didn’t finish because I ended up taking a two hour nap and was still exhausted so I finished up the last few of my chores. Who else loves a clean house? I mean, if you came over right now you’d think it was a mess but that’s because there’s baby stuff all over. Yesterday was fun, too. We went out to Kohls and got Levi some cute clothes that were on sale (hello, clearance rack!) and then had some good BBQ and ice cream. Have you ever tried avocado flavored ice cream? It’s delicious!

Last week while I was really sick, my blood sugars were out of control. I’ve never experienced such high numbers since being diagnosed! My blood sugar was all the way in the 500’s! It’s like my body was rejecting the insulin?? I have since adjusted my insulin ratio (yeah, I should probably ask my doctor first but oh well) and I seem to be doing a lot better. It was probably why I was so tired yesterday because when your blood sugar is high you tend to get very sleepy! Since we’re on the topic of my well being, I’ve been contemplating getting a trainer for the gym. I’ve been really down on myself lately and I’m in this vicious cycle of hating myself so then I eat to feel better but then hating that I just ate all this bad food so I hate myself some more and eat to feel better again. You’d think that since I know this I wouldn’t be doing it but having an unhealthy relationship with food is really hard for people like me. I’ve never dealt with anorexia or bulimia, mostly just binge eating. I’m not sure of the cost of getting a personal trainer but I really want to talk to someone at this gym by my house. It’s a gym thats for people and personal training, so it’s not your typical gym with all those people in it. I feel like once I have someone to push me and get me on the right track I’ll be able to have more control over myself and my mind and be able to do things myself. The thought of working out in the gym terrifies me because I absolutely hate working out in a gym so I know I won’t go on my own. The air quality has been shit where I live also so I’m not really in the mood to workout outside either, and my house is less than 1,000 sq ft so it’s also tiny AF and there’s zero room to workout. See all these excuses I give myself to continue to be lazy? Don’t judge.

It’s funny because before I was pregnant or anything, I would see women on social media beating themselves up over their bodies after they had their babies and I would tell myself that I’d never be like them and that I’d be gentle with myself because I JUST HAD A BABY! Well, turns out I am nothing like I told myself I should be. I’ve had a family member tell me I should work out. Sure they’re coming from a good place, but that HURT. It hurt a lot. Thinking about it makes me want to cry actually. Why do other people care what I look like? I don’t care what other people look like at all, especially if they had a baby x months ago. Some women don’t get their bodies back until a year or so after and thats what I tell myself is OK. Some get their bodies back a few short months after, but even then, why does it matter?! Some never get their bodies back and that’s OK. So if I know all of this, why do I beat myself up? Why do I call myself ugly every.single.day? I never did that before I had Levi because I was actually really comfortable with myself before even though I wasn’t “skinny”. I was a size 6/8 140lbs and I was happy with myself. Sure, I had my days where all I saw were my flaws but I didn’t hate myself every day like I do now. I recently weighed myself and I’m five pounds away from where I was when I was pregnant. I gained 30 pounds in my pregnancy. I’ve gained weight since having my son and it fucking sucks. Sorry for cursing but it sucks that I did this to myself, you know? I can’t really blame pregnancy on gaining the weight now. Now i’m wearing size 10/12 and 165lbs and I hate getting dressed to go out because I’m never fully comfortable with myself. I hate everything. I don’t want anyone who gained more weight than I did or anyone who might be heavier than me to think that I would look down on them by the way. This is just my journey and the way I feel about myself. I honestly feel like I’m nicer to other people and am such an advocate on women loving themselves however they are. I wish I could tell myself these nice things but it’s hard when other people seem to feel like they need to chime in…

Anyways, I didn’t mean for this post to take such a turn. Hopefully someone out there can relate to what I’m going through. It’s fucking hard.

So Levi got his shots last Thursday and of course he cried but he actually did quite well that night and the next day. A bit fussy but nowhere near last time. I bought some rice cereal today at the store and I was going to wait until 5 months to give it to him but I tried it today out of curiosity. He didn’t seem to like it but I guess I did it wrong, anyways. A friend told me I made it too thick so next time (closer to 5 months) I will try it again but less thick! I actually want to try a veggie puree next time first and then if that goes well I’ll mix it with the rice cereal. I was actually going to skip the whole rice/oatmeal cereals because I read it actually has no nutritional value so there’s no point to it but I think a little won’t hurt. If you ask your parents what they first fed you as a baby I’m sure they’ll say they did baby cereal and are you alive right now reading this? Most likely (hopefully lol). So I’ve decided that a little won’t hurt and he’ll be fine! I’m looking forward to making him his purees! I read an article about how all of the pre made baby food has added acid in it (like citric acid) and how it’s unnecessary and how the baby food’s expiration date is like two years out and how bad that is so it freaked me out and that just makes me want to make Levi his own food even more. I still would like to have some baby food on hand as backup probably in case I run out of anything I made or whatever the case may be. In all honesty, I have no idea what I’m doing. Are all first time moms feeling the same? Hope so. I get a lot of advice from people around me on what to do but the way my personality is….I do what I want even if I don’t know what I’m doing. Sorry ’bout it! No, I really do like advice because it helps if what I try doesn’t work then I have something else to fall back on. I’ll always do it my way first, though ๐Ÿ˜‰

18 Weeks Postpartum.

YOU GUYS. My poor baby finally caught his first cold. I came home from work Saturday and kept noticing him sneezing and coughing. I didn’t really think much of it to be honest. I mean, I thought it was weird but that’s it. Then during the night he was extremely fussy and kept waking up crying. Then on Sunday he was totally not himself. He only took one nap! He was wide awake from 2pm-11pm! He was fighting sleep like no other. Since I was so paranoid I kept him in bed with us (which he’s been sleeping with us since because he’s still sick). Also on Sunday I was sneezing a TON but I honestly thought it was allergies because it was a little windy out. Well, yesterday I woke up and felt like a truck hit me. My throat hurt so bad and I was running a fever all day and was extremely cold even though it wasn’t even cold outside. My body had chills and I was absolutely miserable. Luckily Levi took two really good naps yesterday so I was able to nap also. We went to the doctor yesterday because he was supposed to get his 4 month shots but we are postponing them until Thursday because I wanted him to feel better before I had him poked and prodded. He’s still sneezing and coughing but his mood is pretty much back to Normal. I woke up to him talking and screaming (in a good way) this morning. I had a terrible nights sleep and I’m still feeling really crappy. I lucked out and Jesse is staying home today to help a mama out! Yesterday was rough, I felt so bad that I couldn’t really entertain Levi because I was feeling so sick. I cried about it because I felt terrible about it. Jesse reminded me that it’s just one day and he’ll be fine.

Other than the sickness in our home, Levi’s been doing pretty good! I’ve decided I’m not going to start feeding him until 5-6 months because I just feel like it’s too soon right now. I’m getting more excited about making him his own food! I have a book on recipes for baby so I’ll definitely be using that. At the doctors yesterday Levi weighed in at a whopping 18 pounds and 26 inches! Also, it’s been exactly ONE year since finding out I was pregnant. I remember the day like it was yesterday! I remember feeling happy, nervous, scared, and excited all at once. I had no idea what I was in for but I knew I had wanted it for so long. I’ll never forget just sitting at the top of our stairs with Jesse just talking about everything. Getting pregnant happened so fast. I really told myself that it could take months, years! I had no idea it would only take weeks! It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I absolutely love being Levi’s mom ๐Ÿ’—

Sorry this post is short. I even forgot to post yesterday but honestly I was dying (exaggerating, yes) and could hardly take care of myself. Here’s to hoping I’ll feel better as the day goes on!

17 Weeks Postpartum.

I’m finally experiencing this 4 month sleep regression! Man, is it hitting us kind of hard! During the day he hasn’t been taking as long of naps as usual and when we put him down for bed he will sleep for about 30-40 minutes before he wakes up crying and we give him the pacifier and he goes back to sleep but wakes up again a short while later. The other night Jesse put him into our bed to sleep because it was so bad. I hated putting him into our bed because I just got done working so hard having him sleep in his crib but last night he slept in his crib just fine so that was good. We took Levi to his first baseball game yesterday! I take him to Jesse’s softball games every week or so but a REAL game full of loud fans was definitely a new experience. Once we entered the coliseum he immediately started crying and screaming so once we got to our seats I quickly made him a bottle but he didn’t seem so interested in it honestly. I think once we sat down and I was holding him he calmed down. He sat through the game and didn’t make a peep the whole time! I was so proud of my boy! He just stared at people and sat on our laps. He did amazing and it made us so happy because this was a big game and I look forward to going to other games especially when they are more relaxed baseball games. He looked so flipping adorable with his little Oakland A’s shoes on! We didn’t have any cute A’s clothes so he just rocked the shoes and an A’s bib that came with it. I know having him at the game made Jesse so happy. We went with our friend and her son and I’m so happy they came with us!

This past week has been pretty intense to say the least. I worked the closing shift three days last week and it was rough. I absolutely hate working so late because I barely get to see Levi and spend time with him because I’m absolutely exhausted from work. My mental stability is kind of dwindling to be honest. It’s been hard to stay positive and happy all of the time. I find myself thinking negative thoughts and just feeling down a lot. I seriously have no idea how my parents worked full time and raised me and my brother. I’m jealous of the moms who have the chance to stay home with their kids. As I type this I realize I actually could never be a stay at home mom. Maybe if I had more kids, but with one I probably would go stir crazy. Yeah, you can find things to do and get out of the house but I do enjoy having a break while at work. Ugh, it’s still really hard though. I wish I could do both. I think the hard part of working at a place where a lot of people don’t have kids is that I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I have friends who are moms but some work and some don’t, and we do different things. It would be nice to have someone at work who I could talk to about stuff because I try not to bring up my son in conversations because I know most people don’t care (that’s completely fine btw, baby talk isn’t for everyone).

Anyways, yeah, I’m kind of struggling lately and it takes a toll on me and my relationship. I’m not always pleasant to be around and I hate knowing that about myself. Jesse has his moments too, though. Sometimes I just want a break and want to go on a vacation. Just the three of us…that would be nice. Jesse actually wants to go to Hawaii soon but I’m not physically ready for that yet so we’re planning to go next year although he really wants to go in December but that seems too close for me. I’m still trying to eat better and do better. It’ll be a process and I just have to be OK with it. What makes it hard is when other people comment on it. That’s when I feel like absolute shit. No, not Jesse. I actually feel so grateful for him because he compliments me every day even when I know I look terrible. He’d never tell me that though.

This post is coming to an end because my little monster just woke up. I’m in a mood where I just want to cuddle him and lay down. I think he wants to do the opposite though, ha ha. His four month doctor appointment is next week on Monday! I’m nervous about that because of the shots and how he reacted last time. I’m also interested in when the doctor will think he’s ready for food. I’m definitely not ready for that yet. I think I want to wait until 5-6 months. I used to be so excited for him to eat food and now I see it as a sign of him growing up and I don’t want my baby to grow up yet! I still can’t believe he’ll be FOUR months old in a few short days. Insane.

16 Weeks Postpartum.

Wow, my little baby is almost 4 months old! He has been such a joy lately, despite the random fussy moments but honestly they’re not too bad once their over (lol). WE FINALLY HAVE HIM IN THE CRIB! He goes down at 9:30 after a bottle and he’s either passed out or pretty sleepy and he’ll sleep for about 3 hours at first and after the first wake/feed we’re able to put him back in the crib but after he wakes up again around 2AM it’s kind of game over and we just put him back into bed with us. Hey, it’s a work in progress! I’m trying to minimize the night feedings but that’s hard to do since he gulps the food down and acts like he’s so hungry instead of doing it for comfort. That’s my opinion anyways. He’s been rolling over onto his back a lot more during tummy time and I swear he’s trying to roll over from his back onto his tummy because he’ll kind of roll and lay on his side for a bit but not make the full roll onto his stomach. Yesterday I made him laugh so much and it was the cutest thing. I love his laughs, bubbles, and random noises (yeah, I know I’ve mentioned that before but I will never stop loving it). We finally ran out of size 2 diapers so we’re putting him into size 3. Gotta use up everything we have before we actually have to go out and buy them! The size 3 fits him well anyways. He still loves standing. He’s been a bit more fussy in the car recently if we go out for a drive but the early morning drives when I take him to whoever’s house in the morning before work are always a breeze. He’ll either go back to sleep or just hang out. He still enjoys his walks and being outside. I can’t wait for cooler weather so that we can be outside more because I HATE the heat so I’m a total hermit in the summer because being hot and sweaty is not my fave.

My diabetes has been alright lately. It’s not terrible, only when I eat bad. Lately I sort of have been doing whatever because of my mood. I’m constantly feeling overwhelmed. It’s a weird feeling that I’ve never quite dealt with before. I’m not sure if I would classify it as anxious or not because I just don’t know where this is coming from. I feel like my brain is constantly running and I have a million thoughts and even more worries going through my head. I hate having to go through this actually. I think I’m also having the postpartum hair loss now because I lose so much hair in the shower it’s ridiculous. Even if my hair is dry and I run my hands through it I’m able to pull out so much hair. Annoying! I really am trying to eat healthier, making a lot of salads and cutting out an after dinner snack. When I’m in a crappy mood I definitely don’t hold back completely though (ice cream I hate you and love you so much). I’ve found the perfect dark chocolate to essentially satisfy my sweet tooth. 76% Dark chocolate bar from Ghirardelli is bomb.com!

One topic I’d like to touch on really quickly (well, let’s see how long or short this will become) is judgement. Whether it be with how you raise your child or even your pets. I recently took my dog to a trainer and I only wanted to tell certain people who I knew (or thought) would support me and have an open mind. Well, not everyone was supportive and I could tell by how they talked to me even after I explained everything. They said they supported me but I’m smart enough to know that they weren’t. Why is it that people are this way? They try to take your happiness away and shit all over you because of a decision you made that doesn’t effect them in any way. I was SO happy yesterday with the progress we made with our dog and by the end of the night I was crying and felt like a terrible person. I’m not a terrible person. I’m helping my dog. I’m protecting my dog by doing this. If you have an aggressive dog then maybe you might understand what I’m going through. It’s terrifying to think that he could one day do harm to someone and be euthanized. Why would I allow that? THAT is what would make me a terrible person. Knowing he’s dangerous but ignoring it. I made a decision to help him using certain tools that have an extremely bad reputation because so many people use them wrong and ruin their dogs. It’s usually people who never went to an experienced trainer and were never taught how to properly use those tools. Jesse told me last night that the only approval I needed was his, and he’s right. It’s OUR dog so all we need is each others approval. The tools used are something you have to research for sure and not everyone is comfortable using them and thats OK. I used to be the one on the other end who thought people who used a prong collar or e collar (unfortunately called a shock collar but is an electronic collar) were the devil and were evil evil people. Look, not every dog is the same so not every dog can be trained using the same methods. Would these tools help a dog who’s suffered any kind of abuse and is supper skittish? Probably not. I think the most common misconception is you slap the collar onto the dog and just go HAM pressing the button on a high setting. Wrong wrong wrong wrong. Definitely not how you go about using it. The prong collar just helps while training. Do you keep it on your dog as their regular collar? Definitely not! I could probably go on and on about this topic because I’m actually so interested in all of it and I can’t believe how so many people, like myself once, are so misinformed. If you’re someone who’s already judging me by reading all of this then we aren’t friends. You don’t know me or my situation. If you DO know me and my situation and you’re still judgy, then we really aren’t friends. If you have any type of curiosity then I’d suggest looking up the BENEFITS of using those tools. If your mind is already filled with a negative association with the tools maybe try looking at the positive side. If you’re still not into it then thats completely fine! It’s seriously not for everyone and I wish more people would be OK with that.

This past week has been filled with a lot of emotions leading up to the training session. I even thought about flaking on the trainer because I was so nervous and scared! Now I realize I’m doing what’s best for my dog. The training tools go on when it’s ready to train and come right off once we’re done with our walk. Once I get better I’d love to post a video or something because my dog has already made such an improvement. I wish I could take him out right now to work with him but unfortunately it’s just me at home and the baby is asleep!

A photo the dog trainer (@teamfloppyears on instagram) took of us during our session. Using the wall really helped keep Wilson right next to us instead of trying to cut us off while walking. He isn’t a terrible walker but he can definitely do better. We can always do better ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ.