14 weeks.

Okay so apologies for not writing week 13! I just felt like it was like all the others so I decided to skip. 14 weeks was similar, except I did have a few good days of little to no nausea. Some days are worse than others but luckily it’s not an every day thing anymore.

Other symptoms, which are somewhat the same, are constipation, sciatica, I some lower abdomen pain once last week and I just did a bunch of stretches that really seemed to help. I don’t have much food aversions but I still seem to be a little picky when it comes to dinner haha. So maybe I do? Idk lol. I still have extreme ups and downs (mostly downs). My OBGYN recommended I see a therapist so I need to get on that. I’ve just been procrastinating, big time. I just keep trying to tell myself I can work through it on my own but last week it definitely effected my work and that isn’t good at all. I see that as a red flag. I just get so sad or so mad really quickly and there’s just no control.

Diabetes wise, I’m doing alright. Probably could be better to be honest. I was in range 80% of the time and my doctor congratulated me on that so that was cool! Before, I had only been above 70. Today wasn’t the best day in range because I think something was wrong with my pump and I took too long to replace the cartridge so I was high for a while. I kept giving myself insulin and my blood sugars just wouldn’t budge! It was so frustrating! But I’m doing better now that it’s been changed.

I keep waiting to feel baby kick! I’m totally looking forward to that the most. It’s just an extra little reassuring thing that lets me know baby is okay. My next appointment is on the 4th so I’m already anticipating that!

12 weeks.

Man, last week was an absolute doozy if I do say so myself. Emotions are at an all time high. I hate to jump into something sad right at the beginning but I think not many women talk about depression during pregnancy. Or maybe they do, idk.

I have many different reasons for the things that make me sad these days. I think one huge one is my body. With Levi, I started at such a smaller weight and it took a while before I even started to show. I loved being pregnant and I loved how my body looked. I was so confident. Now, at 12 weeks (13 when you read this), my jeans are already too tight. I don’t feel attractive and my self esteem is very low. I wake up and go to sleep with my new belly, which is housing the most precious thing right now, but I’m having trouble accepting and loving it. I bought maternity jeans but they’re too big for me right now so they don’t fit. I don’t feel comfortable in any of my shirts either. It makes me not want to leave my house for anything. What’s the point when I have nothing to wear that makes me feel good? Or I’m wearing the same outfits over and over again. It just really bums me out. I keep wondering how I even have a husband when I feel so ugly and gross.

I’m also starting to feel very alone again. I know physically I’m not alone. Just mentally. Like I have nobody who can truly relate to me and how I feel. I spoke to my doctor and she recommends I seek out some therapy which I completely agree with. I think it would be really beneficial right now. I just have to take the jump and do it.

As far as other symptoms go, my nausea has gotten so much better. I actually cooked a lot! I’m having less food aversions. Starting to get full quite fast which I remember happening last time and it’s working out perfectly since my doctor wanted me to lower my carb intake anyways. I feel like my blood sugars are doing so much better, too. I’m trying really really hard to stay on track. I still have sciatica that mostly flares up at work when I’m on my feet all day. I should probably do some stretches for that but always forget.

Anyways, this isn’t very eventful! I could have found out the sex of the baby last week but didn’t. We are trying to stick to the plan of keeping it a surprise!

11 weeks.

So today I’m 12 weeks pregnant but let’s talk about the past week…

I am completely over this nausea. It’s kicking my ass. One minute I’m fine and the next I swear I’m going to throw up (I never do). I’m exhausted all the time. The sciatica in my butt cheek hurts like a biatch. My emotions are WILD. At least I don’t have too many food aversions and was able to cook about 3 times this past week! That’s a win for me because definitely hasn’t been a thing at all lately, lol.

I think I’m doing a lot better with my diabetes management. I’ve buckled down and have taken my carbs seriously and have been trying really hard to keep my max at 45. I will sometimes go to 50 or 60 because let’s be realistic here, I can’t always have 45g of carbs. But I try my best. I’m trying to make sure I eat more veggies (although carbs are still life). I did have one scary day yesterday though. I accidentally gave myself 15 UNITS of insulin instead of typing in 15g of carbs on my pump. When I noticed, I freaked out and immediately started to cry and panic. my thought was “how the fuck will I get out of this one?!” I drank about 2 Gatorades and put my pump on exercise mode to just slow down my basal insulin. I was at work when it happened so I had them call and ambulance. I luckily did not have to go to the hospital and my blood sugar actually stayed relatively high (200) but I was fine with that. Anything to prevent a tragic low!! Lows give me so much anxiety and scare me sooo much. I think if you’ve also experience a scary low that you can relate and understand how traumatic it can be.

There’s not much else to really update on?? I can’t think of any other specific things maybe other than me meeting with my high risk pregnancy doctor last Monday and that went well. I had the option to find out the sex of the baby along with the genetic testing and I declined! Am I crazy?? Are we really going to wait until baby is born?! We’re going to try, lol.

Omg in unrelated news, this past week was just emotional and so much happened especially with the Caldor fire! Our family cabin was sooo close to getting burned down and it SURVIVED! What are the chances?? It’s absolutely wild but we are so thankful. For some reason, even though I was worried, I was oddly calm about the whole thing as if I just knew our cabin would be fine. I didn’t wanna admit it to anyone at the time but I just wasn’t as nervous about it being damaged. I’m sure there’s some damage but at least it’s still standing and looks to be in good shape. I hope the fire doesn’t last too long because I feel so bad for everyone dealing with it right now. It’s got to be so exhausting, emotionally and physically (for the ones fighting it!).

Anyways, I bought some unisom so here’s hoping it helps with the nausea and knocks me out!

10 Weeks.

You might be wondering, where did the 9 weeks blog post go?? Well, friends, after having my appointment last Thursday, I was confirmed of being 10 weeks pregnant! Baby definitely grew and we got the perfect measurement. My due date is officially March 17th! A little Pisces baby 🐠. Is it weird I’m excited about that?? Haha.

I was so grateful to have a perfect ultrasound! It was just what I needed. I’ve been having pretty much the same symptoms as before. Breast soreness, shortness of breath, fatigue, getting up to pee all the time, nausea (especially in the evenings), sciatica, and some food aversions. The nausea isn’t so bad when I’m busy and moving around and staying busy which is why I don’t think it bothers me much at work. I’ve also been having some headaches here and there that I wasn’t sure was pregnancy related but ya never know! I’ve gotten less emotional so that’s good. For a while I was crying over every thing, happy or sad!

My blood sugars have been a lot better. My doctor finally mentioned to me that she’d like me to be more strict with how many carbs I eat for each meal/snack. Cue the tears now. I was so devastated because it took me a while to come back from that last time but hey, it’s for the baby so I gotta be strong and push through. I haven’t been super active in terms of working out. I tried but honestly I’m exhausted so I let myself rest.

I actually turn 11 weeks tomorrow so I figured I’d hurry up and post this before I forget. My next appointment is on Monday with the high risk pregnancy doctors so I’m excited for that, especially since I get to see baby again. I haven’t felt nauseated since I’ve gotten home today and although I love not feeling sick, it always worries me anyways!

8 Weeks.

I totally wrote an entire blog post on my computer and tried to copy and paste from my phone onto here and it wouldn’t work 🙃 so here’s me writing everything all over again! Well, from scratch actually because I can’t remember everything I said before.

8 weeks! The nausea is REAL. It comes in waves. One day I’ll be okay and the next it’s pretty much debilitating and I can’t do anything but lay down. Getting up to pee a million times in the middle of the night is the new norm. Food aversions like no freakin other!! Just the words of many foods make me want to throw up. Can’t say them, can’t hear them! The only foods I can consistently eat are smoothie bowls, overnight oats, fruit of all sorts, and crackers/chips. When it comes to meals, each day is different. I can’t eat the same meal twice which means I hardly cook and we eat out a lot. I have also been getting headaches every now and then. Still getting out of breath, too.

I feel like I’m growing already because I’m so bloated all the time and I just feel so uncomfortable in my clothes. It sucks because it’s getting to my head. I’m obviously a bigger person now than when I got pregnant with Levi, 3 years ago. I fear I won’t be able to lose the baby weight this time around since I couldn’t do it last time. Body acceptance is so hard when everyone else looks amazing after having kids. Well, everyone on social media. It’s so incredibly hard not to compare myself. I took a good break from Instagram and I felt myself getting happier so I think I need to do it again.

Anyways, I was really nervous with this pregnancy and couldn’t stop thinking about losing it. I had an appointment last week and saw the heartbeat and it made me feel so much better. Also the constant nausea is pretty reassuring, too. I have another appointment next week that I am excited for! It’s been hard for the doctors to really tell how far along I am because baby hardly shows up on the ultrasound since it’s so small. For sure I’m estimating 8 weeks this week since I was 7 last week when they measured.

Okay let’s talk diabetes! So my blood sugars have actually been quite good in my opinion! Besides the week that I was sick (those blood sugars were extremely stubborn!), I’ve been doing well. Im working with an amazing amazing nurse who checks on me weekly to update my insulin pump settings! Seriously, I thought I had good doctors last time with Levi but I think I have even better ones this time around. With Levi’s pregnancy I felt like I did everything on my own…and maybe that’s why I didn’t get much help? I’m not sure. I meet my high risk doctors at the end of the month so I’m sure I’ll be in good hands then, too!

After next weeks appointment I plan on telling more family members about being pregnant. I’ve just been enjoying keeping it to myself just because I’ve been paranoid. But the most beautiful thing happened to me two days ago, a ladybug landed on me! You might be thinking I’m crazy but once Jesse saw it and told me it was stuck in my hair, I immediately filled with joy and it’s like this wave of happiness just went over me. It’s like I *knew* everything was going to be alright. Ladybugs have always brought me good luck and usually are a sign that I will get whatever it is that I’m asking for. And I’ve been asking for a healthy, viable, pregnancy.

A 3 Year Old & 7 Weeks Pregnant

Okay so yes, I am pregnant! I have only told two friends and honestly, still enjoying keeping it to myself (and Jesse of course). I don’t want to tell anyone because then it won’t just be our secret anymore, ya know? I don’t want extra attention, I don’t know why. Honestly, when I first found out I wasn’t excited or sad, I was indifferent. And I feel guilty about that. Just a week prior I was crying over everyone getting pregnant and it not happening for me. We’ve been trying since January so I was feeling really down that it was taking so long this time around. I was using an ovulation test kit that also came with pregnancy tests. I didn’t get my period in June but I didn’t think much of it because my periods have been so irregular. I decided to take a pregnancy test and there was a faint positive. I seriously didn’t think much about it. Figured it was messed up and I’d try the next day. Next day came and I got the same result. I still didn’t believe it so I didn’t tell Jesse or freak out about it. I decided to get a Clearblue test at the store and it showed positive right away. I immediately showed Jesse and we both were speechless. Mostly in disbelief. I had convinced us both that I couldn’t get pregnant and that we’d never have kids again. Call me dramatic, whatever lol. So I made some phone calls with the doctor and the nurses on the phone said I was 7 weeks based on my last period. And then I started to freak out because I wasn’t having any symptoms. I had a meltdown and completely convinced myself I was having a missed miscarriage. Sobbing and all.

I was able to see an OBGYN for an ultrasound. Based on when I last ovulated (end of June) and my ultrasound, I was less than 5 weeks. They both added up. They said they don’t want to see me again until I’m at least 7 weeks to see if I’ve progressed. I have symptoms now and I’m officially 7 weeks and 1 day today. My doctors appointment is on Tuesday but I’ve been dealing with a cold this weekend that I’m praying I won’t have to cancel it. I feel like once we see the baby, then I’ll finally be able to relax a little and get excited.

My symptoms thus far are fatigue, sore breasts, shortness of breath, evening nausea, no desire to cook at all (happened with my last pregnancy), and having to go pee all the time! I’m trying to eat as healthy as possible with protein smoothies in the morning and still eating greens as long as I can tolerate them. My diet probably hasn’t been super great since we’ve been eating out a ton but I honestly cannot stand being in the kitchen to cook. It makes me sick. And tired.

So…I’ll try and do weekly updates with this pregnancy like my last. I found it to be very fun and cool to look back on. It’s already such a different pregnancy. We’re not sure if we want to find out the sex of the baby before it’s born. We might want to wait and make it a surprise. I also don’t plan on announcing my pregnancy to all of social media for a while. Still unsure when I’d want to tell my family too because, like I said before, I’m really enjoying just keeping it to myself.

Now onto my big three year old! I can’t believe Levi is going to be a big brother! He is seriously the best kid I could have ever imagined having. He’s so funny, positive, friendly, and sweet. He greets every morning with a “it’s a beautiful day mommy!” And is one of the most outgoing kids I’ve ever met. He has so much fun at the parks and can be quite demanding, lol. He’s got a leader personality and is always delegating the kids and telling them what to do. Definitely a great quality to have but also annoying, haha. He loves snuggling on the couch and still holds my hand. He’s so affectionate and we love it. Still sleeps with us in our bed but we don’t mind much as it provides us all with comfort. I remember feeling like such a shitty mom for letting him until I realized people all over the world do that and it’s completely normal! He’s obsessed with his hot wheels and trains. He’s going to start going to a pre-K daycare thing in the fall, twice a week. Luckily my parents are able to take him for me while I’m at work. He loves school and enjoyed going over the summer for summer school. His favorite food is avocado and loves avocado, cheese, and lettuce sandwiches. Still obsessed with applesauce and fig bars. His best friends are Kaleo and Charlotte. He loves Moka and Wilson. He says all the time he wants a baby brother/sister. Jesse taught him how to play video game called Rocket League so we let him play occasionally and he’s actually really good at it lol. He says his favorite color is blue and his favorite food is chocolate 😂 He is obsessed with swimming and is a little fish just like us when we were young. He jumps into the pool with no fear (wearing floaties of course).

There’s probably so much more I could add about him but I can’t think! I just love this age and love having conversations with him. He’s seriously the best and I am so excited for him to be a big brother 🥺

New Year, New Update

I’ve been so inconsistent with this website lately but honestly it’s more like an online journal, lol.

The year started out kind of on a bad foot by losing my family dog, Lexi. We had her for about 12/13 years and losing her was a punch to the gut. It happened in one day. I’m not going to go into details, but I just feel awful for my parents especially right now. When I think about grief and how I handle it, I’m not sure I really go about it the right away. Is there a right away? Probably not. I let myself cry but then I somewhat pretend the person/being is still here and that I just can’t see them anymore. For some reason it kind of helps me, in a weird way. I did that with my nana and I just tried to tell myself she was still here but I just didn’t go to her house or something anymore. Not gonna lie though, last year was tough around the holidays. I couldn’t get her out of my head and I was so unbelievably sad. I didn’t care about the holidays at all to be honest. I didn’t really care to celebrate or be around anyone. I went back to work at the end of December and was somewhat relieved to work Christmas Eve. I ended up getting sick (not COVID related) and had to leave work early that day anyways but I was almost…happy? that I didn’t have to be around anyone. I just wasn’t in it.

Anyways, 2021. I’m glad to be back working. I went back to my old job. I was really scared to make that decision but I ultimately had to do what I thought was best for me and my family at the time. Why is it that I care so fucking much about what others might think about me and my life decisions? I shouldn’t care at all but I base a lot of my decisions around that and I hate it. Okay, back to going back to work. I really enjoy it, it’s a lot easier that I imagined I suppose. Jesse is still unemployed so he’s a full time stay at home dad! While that alone stresses me out so much (him not working), I am grateful for him to be here so we don’t have to do any drop offs or day care. There’s a comforting feeling knowing my spouse is home with my child taking care of them so that I always know what they’re up to and constantly getting updates whenever I want them. We recently took a small trip to Monterey for Jesse’s 30th birthday and that was so fun! We rented electric bikes and just rode them along the water and it was so freaking beautiful. I really enjoyed the family getaway. California was technically under a stay at home order buutttttt I mean we didn’t do anything but be outdoors or in our hotel/car so I felt super safe. I don’t know, I feel like if we went on a plane and traveled out of the state or were around a whole bunch of people without wearing masks then that wouldn’t be a good idea, obviously. Speaking of COVID, are you going to get the vaccine? It’s such a tricky decision. It sucks because we don’t know the long term outcome but then it’s either that or contracting COVID and possibly dying? So like, wtf do we do you know? There’s already been two cases at work and it does make me kind of nervous but luckily we all wear masks at work and keep our distance and sanitize our work area quite often.

Okay, lets talk diabetes! Since this is kind of why I made this blog in the first place. Well, sort of. I feel like lately I’ve completely fallen off of trying to be a “good” diabetic. Stress and anxiety have really taken a toll on me and I just stopped caring as much or I guess I’m experiencing burnout. For a couple of nights lately I’ve been letting myself run kind of high without caring. Like coasting at 180. Some of it is my fault but also I haven’t been hearing my Dexcom high alerts go off because I’m in such a deep sleep I guess. I do really well during the day for the most part. It’s usually after dinner where I stop to care as much. I have an appointment with my endo’s nurse tomorrow and I’m not particularly excited since the last two days haven’t been the greatest and I’m not in the mood to be grilled on it but fuck it. Let’s just hope she’s not as awful as I’m assuming she’s going to be.

Mental health check: I’m alright. Lately most days are good days. Except right now, I suddenly got really emotional and overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like I absorb others’ energy so I’m just really down. Jesse took Levi for a walk outside so I could have some alone time to process. Sometimes I get caught up in the things I wish I had in life already and I don’t realize all that I already have and should be grateful for. Why isn’t this enough for me? I’ve always felt like I’ll never know what it’s like to experience being happy all of the time. Okay, wow, totally not saying I hate my life or that I’m never happy. I guess if you know, you know. This is probably where the toxicity of social media comes in to play with people’s lives. Seeing other peoples successes and wondering how they already achieved that and I haven’t even touched the surface. I’ve always felt a bit lost, though. Never really knowing what interested me enough to pursue it. And if something IS interesting, I talk myself out of pursuing it. I’m not smart enough. Don’t have the attention span. Don’t have the skills. Don’t have the time…etc. I wonder where I learned all of this self doubt from? I’ve always been this way with myself and I don’t know why and it’s a bitch to try to overcome.

That’s all I’m going to talk about when it comes to my mental health, lol. I’ve just decided it’s probably better not to overshare right now lol. Overall, if you’re reading, I’m okay. I think I just absorbed some weird energy and it’s throwing me off or something. I just hope the rest of this year picks up and we can all experience more JOY in this world. Is that a naïve thing to want? Joy can be anything, really. New pair of shoes. Spending time with family. Fresh flowers on the table. I don’t know…whatever.

Weight Loss

How does one gain so much weight in such a short period of time? I guess it’s probably genetics that plays a large roll. Before having Levi, I weighed around 140 pounds, and even then I thought I needed to lose 20. Looking back, I looked perfectly fine! I’m not sure how I always convince myself I’m bigger than I am. Am I doing that now? Hard to really tell. I gained about 30 pounds during my pregnancy, putting me at 170 pounds. It was a healthy weight to be at so I’m definitely not shaming myself for gaining that weight while carrying a child. It’s what came after.

After having Levi it didn’t take me too long to fit into old jeans. I’d say during my maternity leave is when I started to gain weight because I was at home caring for a newborn and eating whatever I wanted. During my pregnancy I ate pretty strictly due to my diabetes and just following what the doctors wanted me to eat. It wasn’t towards the end of my pregnancy where I learned I could actually eat whatever the hell I wanted as long as I could give my insulin doses perfectly, which I mastered. SO anyways, I kind of went a-wall eating all the crap I held back on, which led me to gain weight. I even saw a personal trainer for six months. I couldn’t get past 155 pounds no matter what I tried, but I was also working full time by then so I was active at work, too. I ended up quitting my job to become full time stay at home mom, and the gym membership was over with. I gained 10 pounds right after that, by again…sitting at home caring for a child and not being super active. I was so depressed with that number. It didn’t help that taking family photos sucked because I hated the way I looked. Making sure I cropped out the lower half of my body because I hated how chubby my legs had gotten.

And here we are now, 170 pounds (at least that’s what I’m assuming since that’s what I weighed a few weeks ago). I workout 4-5x a week. 20-30 minutes of HIIT or other cardio or strength training. I use myfitnesspal to track most of my food as it helps me keep track of the carbohydrates so I can give the right insulin dose. I’d be lying if I didn’t occasionally try to be on track for the calorie count, which is around 1600. I hate the way that I look. I hardly like photos taken of me and if they are taken of me, I won’t post them. I despised a lot of the pictures I got back from the day of my wedding, and I haven’t even received all of them yet. My face is chubbier, my thighs rub together, and I have this stomach that just won’t go away. I’m stuck between wanting to lose 30 pounds but also wanting to live my life and enjoy all foods and try to eat intuitively. Why is this so hard? I’m super anti diet culture. I mean, I’m the perfect example of what restricting can do to a person-you’ll end up gaining it back and then some! I know I’m stronger because of working out, I can feel the muscles in my arms. But I’m still so self conscious. I hate getting dressed and finding cute clothes is hard because I might think I look cute and then someone will take a picture and I want to throw up all over myself.

It’s hard to admit how much I hate myself online as I try to come off as someone who’s proud. I also don’t feel like having all the friends on diet programs to reach out to me because if I lose weight, that is NOT the way I plan on going about it. Sure, it’s tempting as hell because it’s a quick fix but that won’t help me mentally at all. I don’t want meal replacement shakes, or diarrhea pills, or other “vitamins” to take. I need to do this old school (calorie deficit) and try to be more active. I’m sure if I got a job and had a schedule, I would be able to shed some pounds. My old job was absolutely perfect because I was on my feet moving around for 8 hours out of the day! There’s a lot of stress in my life right now thanks to COVID, job loss, and caring for a family. I ate a breakfast burrito this morning and now I just feel like shit about myself. I ate about 2/3 of it. I’m full. I wish I had a breakfast smoothie instead. I regret not working out but now I feel as if it’s too late because I don’t want to throw up my burrito.

I’ve gone through weight loss before, and I don’t know why it’s so hard for me this time around. I know exactly what to do to help myself but it’s still so difficult. Restricting is so fucking hard. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay around food. I read an Intuitive Eating book (still reading, slowly) and it’s for sure helpful…but then I feel like I slowly retract into my old habits. It’s definitely not a quick fix type of book, at least for me. This journey seems like it’ll be a long one. 30 pounds sounds like such a huge number. Maybe I’d even be okay with 20. But even then, I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. Even when I try to eat healthy or low carb or whatever, it doesn’t seem to really move the number on the scale. Damn, I hate myself…

October 14th, 2020

I know, I left you hanging there for a bit about the wedding. We actually had to postpone it because of the fires. It was extremely smokey and I didn’t want my family or the venders to be in that poor air quality! We actually had a full day that was completely orange from the smoke and fires. It was a very eerie day (hella depressing). Anyways, I was super bummed out about it but deep down I kind of knew I wouldn’t have gotten married that day. I didn’t know why I felt that way at first, but I just had an inkling that it wasn’t going to happen. I was experiencing extreme anxiety weeks before the wedding. Didn’t help that I hated the dress that I had gotten at David’s Bridal.

So…lets begin. I tried on that David’s Bridal dress a few weeks before the wedding just for fun. I hated it. I mean, I kind of already didn’t like it when I got it anyways but like, I really hated it. It wasn’t my style to begin with and I felt like it made me look like a line backer or something. Didn’t flatter my body at all, especially my broad shoulders. So, off I went and made an appointment at BHLDN. I originally had an appointment there before I got my DB dress but cancelled it. I highly regret that now because I could have found the perfect dress a while ago. Anyways, I ended up finding my perfect dress. I felt so good in it. But there was a catch, BHLDN doesn’t sell their dresses physically in-store. So I had to ship it and find someone who would alter it in ONE WEEK. I got the dress in five days and came across the sweetest woman on Yelp who tailored my dress in five days. She did amazing and I am so grateful for her.

Fast forward to the day of the wedding, it turned out amazing. The weather was freaking perfect and the skies were crystal clear. I had zero anxiety leading up to the day. I was filled with so much joy and excitement beforehand which makes me happy to look back on. I’m glad I had such a small wedding. It’s totally our style. My bouquet was amazing and so so beautiful, and so were the flowers on the altar. Jesse looked freaking handsome as heck and Levi was the cutest ever!! I’m waiting for our professional photos to be ready but have to wait a few weeks until we get them. We stayed in Sausalito the night before the wedding and also stayed there an extra night for a small honeymoon. We went out to eat at this restaurant right on the water and it was our first time doing that (I’ve always wanted to eat at a fancy restaurant on the water!). We drank some rose and ate good. We were so tired, though, that we went back to the hotel after and just relaxed before we went out and walked along the street and ventured through the cute tourist shops. We had a really good time and I’m excited to go back one day. It’s not like it’s far from home but we don’t usually go out that way anyways.

I still can’t believe we are now married! It’s such an awesome feeling. I honestly didn’t think I’d feel any different. I think about it every day since, and I’m just so overwhelmed with happiness and love. I love being married to my best friend!

How Not To Plan A Wedding

It’s been quite a while since I wrote on here! I’m currently planning my wedding, which will be in TWO WEEKS, and I am STRESSED! It’s not even a huge wedding (obviously due to COVID…but also I’d never plan a huge wedding anyways) but I feel like I’ve done every single thing to somewhat screw up. With that being said, I wanted to share what I did wrong so you don’t do that and become more stress free! I never really reached out to anyone for help or advice because of my circumstance. First, I don’t really know anyone who planned a wedding during a pandemic. Second, I decided to go through Pop the Knot (look ’em up!) and it’s like a whole package deal which makes things very convenient for me (shoutout to my good friend Angela for finding them for me since I had no idea how to start planning for a wedding). So you might be wondering why it would be stressful if I went that route. I honestly thought I would be stress free because I chose to do it this way but in the end…the stress is inevitable.

First, once you pick a date and are looking at venues, VISIT THE VENUE! If you can, please go check it out. Look at what the weather is during the time of day that you want to get married at. Google it if you can. I did not do this. We visited the ceremony site months ago and we didn’t even find the right location so we didn’t worry too much. We went last weekend and since it’s in San Francisco, it’s extremely foggy and somewhat cold. How did I not think about this? I mean, Karl the Fog is a well known ….guy? lol. You know what I mean. We couldn’t see the bridge like I had hoped and I had already bought Levi shorts to wear to the wedding. I googled the expected weather hoping it’ll be clear the day of the wedding and it most likely isn’t going to be. So back home I went, upset and quickly placed an order for express shipping for Levi to have pants to replace the shorts for his outfit. I also realized since it’s along a trail that many people might possibly be walking by. We’re currently in the middle of a pandemic and I am super paranoid of being judged for having a wedding during this time. Maybe you’re someone who’s judging me right now. I have some justifications to it but I’m not sure they matter. Regardless of what I keep trying to tell myself that it’ll be alright, I can’t help but worry about what others might think of me…even if they are complete strangers. I’m also not happy about the thought of people watching and staring at us. It’s one of my biggest insecurities? If that’s what you want to call it. I absolutely hate being the center of attention, which is why I’d never have a big wedding anyways. Luckily it’s just immediate family (our parents & siblings). Anyways…do real research. Don’t just go on yelp or google to look at images. Visit the place, look up the weather, foot traffic, etc.

Second, DO NOT WAIT TO TRY ON DRESSES. Trying on dresses wasn’t something I was actually excited about doing to be honest. I didn’t want to try on dresses in front of people, even family or friends. Again, I’m an insecure ass bitch. Do I bring spanx? Do I wear a bra? Do they go inside the dressing room with you and see all your lady parts?? It sounded awful! So as I was kind of researching where I might want to go to try on dresses, COVID happened and it all got cancelled. I didn’t really look into if places were still open or doing things by appointment only so I went through Etsy and purchased my dress from someone who could make the dress I was in love with. Again, since I hadn’t tried on dresses before I had no idea what kind of style would be most flattering for my body type. I’m not a thin girl and definitely need some sort of help in the stomach area to smooth that all out to feel comfortable in a dress. Anyways, I ordered my dream dress. It arrived a week ago. I tried it on and absolutely hated it. All I could focus on were my flaws and it brought me to tears. Now what was I supposed to do? I quickly went online and made appointments for two bridal stores. I went to the more affordable one first and I ended up trying on dresses that I hated but eventually found one I liked. It was the very last dress I tried on and it was actually a size smaller than my real size. It fit me but obviously I needed my right size. They, of course, didn’t have my size available in store so I had to order it. Let me tell you, I am so done with ordering things online. I have to pick it up next week once it’s been delivered and I just pray that it comes on time and isn’t somehow delayed or something. So yeah, start looking for dresses early on. It’ll save you a ton of stress and heartbreak. And if you do decide to order online, I still recommend trying on dresses in a store to see what style suits your body best.

Third, DO NOT WAIT TO GET YOUR MARRIAGE LICENSE. The past several days have been extremely stressful for me regarding this. A marriage license lasts 90 days so you have 90 days to get married or else you have to get a new one. Because of COVID, I was unsure if the wedding was actually going to happen. I just kept thinking it was going to be cancelled so I waited until the last minute (last week) to look into getting the license. Due to COVID, my county isn’t doing walk-ins anymore. Before, you could just walk right in and get your license and walk right out. Now, you need to make an appointment to go in and get your license. There were no appointments left for this month! The woman on the phone told me I’d either have to delay my wedding or go see a judge afterwards to make the marriage official. I definitely cried after that phone call. One thing she did mention though, which I am very grateful for, is that I could get my license in a different county. In California, you don’t have to get married in the same county that you got your license in. So we luckily have an appointment next week in Sacramento to get our license. Hoping things go smoothly and that’ll be one less thing to worry about next week! GET YOUR LICENSE RIGHT AT THE START OF THE 90 DAYS. It costs less than $100. I originally didn’t want to spend that money if it was just going to go to waste but honestly, I wish I had just done it at the start of the 90 days because it would have saved me a lot of tears, anxiety, and stress.

There are still things I need to do or things that take up my mind right now. We need to make sure we get our suit/dress (his is being altered right now). We need to get our license. We need to pick a song for me to walk down the aisle to. We need to decide if we’re going to have food or not, and if so, what should I get? Due to COVID, there isn’t going to be anyone to cater the wedding. We only have a permit for the park for two hours and after the photos are taken it should be right at the end of our allowed time limit. There are no park benches to sit and eat at so if we do have food it’ll be finger food and it’ll be a tailgate essentially and to be honest I don’t really care to do that. This is a super small ceremony, not an extravagant wedding. It’s definitely not the most perfect wedding I would have imagined for myself but it’s what I’m going to have and that’ll be fine. I’ll also be doing my own hair/makeup/nails, so that also stresses me out because I just hope I don’t screw it up and make myself look horrible. There’s probably more I could add to this list but for now this is what I want people to know, haha.

Oh, and never let anyone try to make you feel like crap for not inviting them. Again, we’re in the middle of a pandemic and I want to keep people as safe as possible which meant I had to keep it immediate family only. I do not have the time or mental space to deal with feeling bad for not having certain family members at my wedding. Trust me, they’ll live. I guess I just don’t understand why someone would be so upset. If I was uninvited due to COVID, or purely not invited due to space or because the bride and groom wanted a small wedding, then so be it. It’s their special day, not yours! Nobody wants to feel sad on their wedding day.

I’ll update in a couple weeks when the wedding has finally happened! I am full of anxiety but also excitement to finally marry my best friend.