4 months old.

Have you ever been so overwhelmed you wanted to scream? For hours? Okay, this doesn’t have much to do that miss Ella is 4 months old. More to do with the fact that I’m a working mom of two with a social life (sort of) and a wedding to attend in September, that I’m a maid of honor in.

First, Ella is wonderful. She has a different personality than Levi of course. She’s fussier and that’s been a big adjustment. It’s harder to want to go places and harder to do things around the house as she likes attention 24/7. But it’s fine. She’s a joy to be around. She’s so silly and has been talking a bunch. Always has her hands in her mouth 24/7. Sleeps way better than Levi ever did at night (during the day can be a challenge sometimes). She enjoys the outdoors and it really calms her down when she’s fussy. She’s starting to roll over more often and loves to sit up. She isn’t a difficult baby at all. Just being a mama of two is hard work.

This wedding I’m attending in a month is for my best friend. I’m so happy for her. However, I’m so anxious. i don’t like wearing dresses. I don’t want to be front and center. I don’t want to give a speech. I’m just severely insecure and only being 4 months PP is really hard. I feel like nobody understands me. I have a lot of pressure on me to be this other person but I just can’t. I tried going out with the kids this morning by myself and it was really hard. My neighbor makes it look like a piece of cake. It isn’t for me. Her body will snap back in no time. Mine won’t, ever. I’m supposed to be this supportive best friend for my friend and her wedding but I feel like all I keep doing is disappointing her. I didn’t go to the Bach because of anxiety. I hate the way I look in my dress. I wish I could just disappear. And I have no one to express myself to. Well, I do have a good friend I’ve talked to but I don’t want to keep dumping all my anxiety onto her when I know she’s struggling with her own depression right now.

I’m sorry this post is such a downer. I was happy when I woke up, but now I’m in a mood. I missed my friends sons birthday because I got the dates mixed up. I could’ve still gone but I wasn’t feeling good, and to be honest I just feeling like laying in bed and crying.