3 months postpartum.

My girl is 3 months old now. And Levi is 4 (which he loves). It’s been a wild ride the last 3 months. I haven’t written on here because I just always forget but I like to document when I can. I wrote so consistent with Levi while he grew up but it’s so much harder with two kids!

For her first month it was definitely overwhelming and what not due to her reflux. Then last month she caught a cold and we ended up taking her to the hospital because she was retracting while breathing and it just really worried me. They ran tests and she had a virus and basically it was just a wait it out game. It took about a week and a half for the cough and congestion to go away but it was really scary in the beginning because she seemed to struggle to breathe and she’s just so little!! We were all sick with that nasty virus. I don’t think Levi’s been that sick with a cold before.

Now that masks have been lifted, it seems like everyone is catching these weird colds and flus. Definitely not fun at all. And I most certainly always end up getting sick with whatever Levi has! Darn my shitty immune system.

Anyways, more about girly pop. She is holding her head up, talking to us, and I swore she laughed at Levi yesterday while he was making her smile and being silly. She also seems like she wants to roll over so badly!! I have a feeling she’ll be doing that within a couple of weeks. She sleeps pretty good at night, only waking up twice. Her first stretch of sleep is usually from 8/8:30-2/2:30! Then she’ll wake up around 4:30/5. So me and jesse split shifts. Levi is still obsessed with her and I’m so excited to see what she’ll be like as she gets older although I want to cherish this time when she is little.

I’ve definitely experienced much more anxiety than I ever have before. And I think that’s why I want her to grow up so fast. But then I get sad that I want that. I’ll never get to experience her being this little ever again and I know I will regret not enjoying it. I just worry a lot. And I’m always worrying about bad things happening and for some reason I equate her being older with things being easier. But I know that isn’t the case. I have no idea what she’ll be like as a toddler or kid. Levi was extremely chill and hardly cried. Sometimes Ella will burst out crying out of nowhere. Today she cried while at a friends house and I think she was just overstimulated there. I was told she would be a sensitive girl based on her sun, moon, and rising astrology signs. Yes, I believe in that lol. I have to remind myself to be more sensitive towards her as she gets older. I feel like I’m good at that anyways. I try to be with Levi too.

Along with PPA and PPD, I also am going through a difficult time with accepting my new body. I don’t fit into any of my old clothes and it’s really sad for me. I went up a size in jeans (almost two) and I’m trying to workout consistently during the week but it’s definitely hard. I’m worrying about fitting into my dress for my best friends wedding. I wanted to lose weight for it, not gain. I’m hoping once I go back to work that I’ll end up losing more weight because I’ll be more active but who knows. I hate my body a lot and in turn it just makes me a really sad and jealous person. I hate that so much and it just makes me hate myself. Ugh…sorry this took a bad turn on a supposed happy post! But it’s a real and honest update!

Well, Ella is currently asleep. And so is Levi. I can’t imagine adding another human to our family but maybe we’ll come back to the topic in a few years. Having another baby sounds really overwhelming right now lol.

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