5 weeks postpartum.

It’s only been five weeks, but it feels like much longer than that. It’s been hard to rest and relax when I’ve been unable to move my body for the past several months. I’m only in pain if I stand too long, then my back starts to ache. My pelvic area is still a little sensitive but I’m sure once I start stretching it’ll feel better.

Mentally, I’m doing better than the first couple of weeks after Ella was born. Definitely had baby blues. I’d say those have gone away now and I’m mostly struggling with anxiety. It’s really hard to deal with it because I feel like people who don’t have it, can’t seem to understand it. I mean, everyone gets anxious sometimes. But this is almost debilitating when it affects what I do daily. Too scared to make the wrong decisions.

As far as my diabetes goes, it’s not the best. I haven’t been controlling it very well. I spend a lot of time high after a meal but I tell myself I’ll adjust things soon. I’ve gotten lazy with pre-bolusing before meals and giving myself the right dosage. I was so used to eating a certain amount while pregnant that I have to remind myself it’s okay to bolus for more now since I’m definitely eating bigger portions. I used to get so full so fast when I was pregnant and it’s weird not dealing with that anymore. But I can’t let myself go this time like my first pregnancy. I’m excited to work out again. And I also need to start taking care of myself again.

Life with this new routine is tough at times. Before you have kids, you can focus all your time on yourself. Then you have one kid and once they’re older you can sort of have that time for yourself again (at certain times of the day). Then add a newborn and you’re basically back to square one with having zero time for yourself. Some days I skip breakfast or I’m too busy to eat lunch so I’ll snack on something. And before bed is when I’ll snack overload. I just don’t want to forget about the intuitive eating journey I had been on previously. I’m scared I’ll essentially have to start over again or that I’m just losing myself. I have to put myself first…somehow.

Ella is doing well. She’s awake at certain times of the day and she coos and I absolutely love when she does it. It’s so cute!! She smiles A LOT in her sleep. I know she’s sleeping and it isn’t a social smile but man, I just have this sense that she’s going to be an emotional girl and we are always going to know when she’s happy, sad, mad…and I’m here for it. Levi was always so chill and easy and I’m sure I’ll struggle with big emotions at times but I really want her to feel safe and comfortable with expressing herself to us. I worry a lot that I’ll be a bad mom to her or shut her out because I won’t know what to do. And who knows, maybe she won’t be anything like that at all and I’m overthinking it. Regardless, I just want to work on myself and make sure I can be the best for her and Levi.

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