26 weeks.

So I turn 26 weeks today! I feel like this pregnancy has been going by so fast and I haven’t had a moment to really enjoy it. I’m constantly filled with anxiety, depression, and just being overwhelmed with life.

My bump is pretty large and in charge and I’m not entirely sure how it could even get any bigger. I watch workout vids on Instagram and it makes me so eager to work out. It’s so sad that I’m already thinking about losing this weight when I feel like I should be enjoying my growing belly (since it’s housing a human and all). I guess I just constantly worry about if I’ll even get back to how I was or just the strength I once had. I don’t want to be uncomfortable in my body anymore.

Speaking of, I’m constantly uncomfortable. My sciatica pain is an every day thing. My pelvic pain is also an every day thing. Some days are easier than others but unfortunately there’s not much to help with it. Yoga? Sure, that’ll work for a little bit. I find most comfort just laying down. Which in turn makes me feel guilty for being a potato and not doing fun activities with my son. It’s no wonder he usually prefers playing with my husband, he’s the fun parent.

Also having a toddler while pregnant and T1D means allll the sickness. I am sick now for the 3rd time this pregnancy and they kick my ass each time. Is this normal? Should I be concerned? I feel like I can’t catch a break and it’s so depressing to me. If it’s not my body that hurts, it’s me being sick in some form. Damn, I’m sorry if this post is depressing but that’s how I feel all the time. I just feel so isolated. I actually have a dr appt later on to fit me with a therapist because I had expressed these feelings with my doctor. I’m super anxious about it to be honest. Look, I can be a total chatterbox when I’m around certain people but I never share super personal information. Maybe I’ll share a little sprinkle of my personal life but I just don’t like talking about personal things.

Anyways, I keep feeling like I’m failing at something. If it isn’t my relationship, it’s being a mom or if it isn’t that it’s failing at being a diabetic carrying a child. Constantly feeling like I’m not giving my baby the perfect home to grow and develop. I worry every day I’m fucking it up somehow. Are their ears okay? Eyes? 10 toes? 10 fingers? Brain development doing well? I feel like if something happened to my baby it would all be my fault because I’m not perfect with my management. Constantly sitting at 70-75% in range. Im trying to do my best but it’s so damn hard.

I don’t know man, this pregnancy has me beat. Also don’t think I’m going to have a baby shower, which makes me really sad. And I wanted to do a photo shoot but I don’t feel confident enough to do one. Im so sad I’m not enjoying this pregnancy. I want to enjoy it so bad. But I also just want it to hurry up and be over so I can hold my baby in my arms. I can’t wait for that day.