I’ve been so inconsistent with this website lately but honestly it’s more like an online journal, lol.
The year started out kind of on a bad foot by losing my family dog, Lexi. We had her for about 12/13 years and losing her was a punch to the gut. It happened in one day. I’m not going to go into details, but I just feel awful for my parents especially right now. When I think about grief and how I handle it, I’m not sure I really go about it the right away. Is there a right away? Probably not. I let myself cry but then I somewhat pretend the person/being is still here and that I just can’t see them anymore. For some reason it kind of helps me, in a weird way. I did that with my nana and I just tried to tell myself she was still here but I just didn’t go to her house or something anymore. Not gonna lie though, last year was tough around the holidays. I couldn’t get her out of my head and I was so unbelievably sad. I didn’t care about the holidays at all to be honest. I didn’t really care to celebrate or be around anyone. I went back to work at the end of December and was somewhat relieved to work Christmas Eve. I ended up getting sick (not COVID related) and had to leave work early that day anyways but I was almost…happy? that I didn’t have to be around anyone. I just wasn’t in it.
Anyways, 2021. I’m glad to be back working. I went back to my old job. I was really scared to make that decision but I ultimately had to do what I thought was best for me and my family at the time. Why is it that I care so fucking much about what others might think about me and my life decisions? I shouldn’t care at all but I base a lot of my decisions around that and I hate it. Okay, back to going back to work. I really enjoy it, it’s a lot easier that I imagined I suppose. Jesse is still unemployed so he’s a full time stay at home dad! While that alone stresses me out so much (him not working), I am grateful for him to be here so we don’t have to do any drop offs or day care. There’s a comforting feeling knowing my spouse is home with my child taking care of them so that I always know what they’re up to and constantly getting updates whenever I want them. We recently took a small trip to Monterey for Jesse’s 30th birthday and that was so fun! We rented electric bikes and just rode them along the water and it was so freaking beautiful. I really enjoyed the family getaway. California was technically under a stay at home order buutttttt I mean we didn’t do anything but be outdoors or in our hotel/car so I felt super safe. I don’t know, I feel like if we went on a plane and traveled out of the state or were around a whole bunch of people without wearing masks then that wouldn’t be a good idea, obviously. Speaking of COVID, are you going to get the vaccine? It’s such a tricky decision. It sucks because we don’t know the long term outcome but then it’s either that or contracting COVID and possibly dying? So like, wtf do we do you know? There’s already been two cases at work and it does make me kind of nervous but luckily we all wear masks at work and keep our distance and sanitize our work area quite often.
Okay, lets talk diabetes! Since this is kind of why I made this blog in the first place. Well, sort of. I feel like lately I’ve completely fallen off of trying to be a “good” diabetic. Stress and anxiety have really taken a toll on me and I just stopped caring as much or I guess I’m experiencing burnout. For a couple of nights lately I’ve been letting myself run kind of high without caring. Like coasting at 180. Some of it is my fault but also I haven’t been hearing my Dexcom high alerts go off because I’m in such a deep sleep I guess. I do really well during the day for the most part. It’s usually after dinner where I stop to care as much. I have an appointment with my endo’s nurse tomorrow and I’m not particularly excited since the last two days haven’t been the greatest and I’m not in the mood to be grilled on it but fuck it. Let’s just hope she’s not as awful as I’m assuming she’s going to be.
Mental health check: I’m alright. Lately most days are good days. Except right now, I suddenly got really emotional and overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like I absorb others’ energy so I’m just really down. Jesse took Levi for a walk outside so I could have some alone time to process. Sometimes I get caught up in the things I wish I had in life already and I don’t realize all that I already have and should be grateful for. Why isn’t this enough for me? I’ve always felt like I’ll never know what it’s like to experience being happy all of the time. Okay, wow, totally not saying I hate my life or that I’m never happy. I guess if you know, you know. This is probably where the toxicity of social media comes in to play with people’s lives. Seeing other peoples successes and wondering how they already achieved that and I haven’t even touched the surface. I’ve always felt a bit lost, though. Never really knowing what interested me enough to pursue it. And if something IS interesting, I talk myself out of pursuing it. I’m not smart enough. Don’t have the attention span. Don’t have the skills. Don’t have the time…etc. I wonder where I learned all of this self doubt from? I’ve always been this way with myself and I don’t know why and it’s a bitch to try to overcome.
That’s all I’m going to talk about when it comes to my mental health, lol. I’ve just decided it’s probably better not to overshare right now lol. Overall, if you’re reading, I’m okay. I think I just absorbed some weird energy and it’s throwing me off or something. I just hope the rest of this year picks up and we can all experience more JOY in this world. Is that a naïve thing to want? Joy can be anything, really. New pair of shoes. Spending time with family. Fresh flowers on the table. I don’t know…whatever.