How does one gain so much weight in such a short period of time? I guess it’s probably genetics that plays a large roll. Before having Levi, I weighed around 140 pounds, and even then I thought I needed to lose 20. Looking back, I looked perfectly fine! I’m not sure how I always convince myself I’m bigger than I am. Am I doing that now? Hard to really tell. I gained about 30 pounds during my pregnancy, putting me at 170 pounds. It was a healthy weight to be at so I’m definitely not shaming myself for gaining that weight while carrying a child. It’s what came after.
After having Levi it didn’t take me too long to fit into old jeans. I’d say during my maternity leave is when I started to gain weight because I was at home caring for a newborn and eating whatever I wanted. During my pregnancy I ate pretty strictly due to my diabetes and just following what the doctors wanted me to eat. It wasn’t towards the end of my pregnancy where I learned I could actually eat whatever the hell I wanted as long as I could give my insulin doses perfectly, which I mastered. SO anyways, I kind of went a-wall eating all the crap I held back on, which led me to gain weight. I even saw a personal trainer for six months. I couldn’t get past 155 pounds no matter what I tried, but I was also working full time by then so I was active at work, too. I ended up quitting my job to become full time stay at home mom, and the gym membership was over with. I gained 10 pounds right after that, by again…sitting at home caring for a child and not being super active. I was so depressed with that number. It didn’t help that taking family photos sucked because I hated the way I looked. Making sure I cropped out the lower half of my body because I hated how chubby my legs had gotten.
And here we are now, 170 pounds (at least that’s what I’m assuming since that’s what I weighed a few weeks ago). I workout 4-5x a week. 20-30 minutes of HIIT or other cardio or strength training. I use myfitnesspal to track most of my food as it helps me keep track of the carbohydrates so I can give the right insulin dose. I’d be lying if I didn’t occasionally try to be on track for the calorie count, which is around 1600. I hate the way that I look. I hardly like photos taken of me and if they are taken of me, I won’t post them. I despised a lot of the pictures I got back from the day of my wedding, and I haven’t even received all of them yet. My face is chubbier, my thighs rub together, and I have this stomach that just won’t go away. I’m stuck between wanting to lose 30 pounds but also wanting to live my life and enjoy all foods and try to eat intuitively. Why is this so hard? I’m super anti diet culture. I mean, I’m the perfect example of what restricting can do to a person-you’ll end up gaining it back and then some! I know I’m stronger because of working out, I can feel the muscles in my arms. But I’m still so self conscious. I hate getting dressed and finding cute clothes is hard because I might think I look cute and then someone will take a picture and I want to throw up all over myself.
It’s hard to admit how much I hate myself online as I try to come off as someone who’s proud. I also don’t feel like having all the friends on diet programs to reach out to me because if I lose weight, that is NOT the way I plan on going about it. Sure, it’s tempting as hell because it’s a quick fix but that won’t help me mentally at all. I don’t want meal replacement shakes, or diarrhea pills, or other “vitamins” to take. I need to do this old school (calorie deficit) and try to be more active. I’m sure if I got a job and had a schedule, I would be able to shed some pounds. My old job was absolutely perfect because I was on my feet moving around for 8 hours out of the day! There’s a lot of stress in my life right now thanks to COVID, job loss, and caring for a family. I ate a breakfast burrito this morning and now I just feel like shit about myself. I ate about 2/3 of it. I’m full. I wish I had a breakfast smoothie instead. I regret not working out but now I feel as if it’s too late because I don’t want to throw up my burrito.
I’ve gone through weight loss before, and I don’t know why it’s so hard for me this time around. I know exactly what to do to help myself but it’s still so difficult. Restricting is so fucking hard. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay around food. I read an Intuitive Eating book (still reading, slowly) and it’s for sure helpful…but then I feel like I slowly retract into my old habits. It’s definitely not a quick fix type of book, at least for me. This journey seems like it’ll be a long one. 30 pounds sounds like such a huge number. Maybe I’d even be okay with 20. But even then, I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. Even when I try to eat healthy or low carb or whatever, it doesn’t seem to really move the number on the scale. Damn, I hate myself…