Marriage, and why you should never ask another person when it’s going to happen. Wanna know why? Because it’s none of your business! So of course while being pregnant and afterwards, I’ve been asked quite a bit…”So, are you guys ever going to marry?” Why does this have to be such a big deal? We’ve been together for ten years now and I’d be lying if I haven’t been sad about it not happening yet. Look, I know the question and interest is completely harmless but it used to make me extremely sad trying to answer it. How does one even answer that?
As a child you might have dreamt of one day having a wedding and then starting a family (or maybe you haven’t…I’m just speaking for myself here). Anyways, it was something I always wanted until I started to get older and realized I hated the attention on me. I definitely do not like being the center of attention and could never really see myself walking down an aisle having everyone’s eyes on me. And do a first dance? In front of everyone? HELL NO. But I still wanted to be married. I still wanted a ring. I’ve shed tears over it. Plenty of them. I’ve been extremely jealous of other couples getting engaged after only being with one another for a way shorter time than me and Jesse. Sometimes I still get a little jealous. My main thought would always be, what do they have that we don’t? What makes that man want to propose to his girlfriend that Jesse must not feel with me? Does he not love me enough, am I not good enough?? I’d think those same exact thoughts over and over and once you think it enough, you automatically think less of yourself. It made me so sad and would put me in a really down mood and I would just cry about it. A lot.
It wasn’t until fairly recently that I decided that I actually don’t think I want to get married. I’ll never have to pay money for a wedding only to be completely uncomfortable the entire time. I’ll never have to worry about divorce. To be honest that word just sounds so harsh that I never want to use it anyways. We’re doing completely fine right now and being married does NOT define a relationship. It makes you think that you’re making this commitment forever and you can only do that with a ring on your finger but in reality it’s your choice as a couple to make that commitment regardless of a marriage or a ring, you know? How many people make that commitment but then end up cheating or getting divorced in the end? A lot! I used to also get really sad about not having my children’s same last name. That if I went to pick them up from school and we had different last names that I would have to prove I was their mom or something. But now I actually don’t think I would want to change my last name even if we did get married! I like the way my name flows and it’s ME. I’m not being defined by someone else because of their last name. Also, if we did get married…I mean what would change in everyone elses opinion of us? Nothing! Sure, they’d refer to him as my husband or me as his wife but people already do that anyways because they just assume we’re married. So it’s really no big deal at all.
So, to answer the biggest question of the century…who knows if it’ll ever happen. If it does, cool! If it doesn’t, cool! Nothing about us will ever change. We don’t have to prove to anyone how much we love each other by getting married. He’s always told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and isn’t that what you’d want out of your relationship anyways? I think if you’re in a similar situation and you might be giving your partner the ultimatum you should think about it some more. What do you really want? If your partner doesn’t propose, that’s the end? Did you really want to be with them in the first place? Some people aren’t comfortable with the whole marriage thing and it might be something you just have to respect if you truly want to be with them. Shit, buy yourself your own damn ring, girl!
Thanks for coming to my TED talk and if you ever see yourself about to ask that golden question to a couple who’s been together for a while or they started a family together without getting married first…maybe stop yourself and don’t ask the question 🙂