Catching Up.

I’ll start this post off with the good stuff first. Jesse took two weeks off of work for a little staycation and Lake Tahoe vacation and it was much needed for our family. It went by slowly which I really loved because I missed being with him! The first week he was off we stayed at home and the second week we went to Lake Tahoe and came home on the 4th of July. I didn’t want to leave Tahoe at all, as soon as we were coming home I started getting a headache. It was such a breath of fresh air and so damn relaxing. I already can’t wait to go back! We brought Wilson with us and he loved it of course. My favorite day was when we rented bikes and biked a trail while pulling Levi in the back. He loved it and we’re for sure going to do it again the next time we go up!

Anyways, since we’ve been back Levi has been a walking machine! Last night he spent about 30 mins walking all over the house on his own going back and forth and it was so cute. He’s still cautious and a bit hesitant to walk but he’s on his way! Today was Jesses first day back at work and it kind of sucked to be honest! It of course didn’t suck with Levi but it just sucked not having him with me! I really enjoyed being back in my routine though, that was nice. To be honest after eating out a few times the past week, I have to say that home cooked meals are 10x better. I love knowing what goes into my food and making it myself. I completely fell off my good eating habits while in Tahoe and I tried to be on top of things but it just wasn’t working for me. So I’m trying to get back on track with everything! One day last week I ate so much that when I woke up the next day I had gained like 3lbs and felt terrrrible. I went to the gym and ate super clean and the next day I was down 3lbs! It must have just been bloat or something. Not really sure but it made me feel like shit about myself.

Ohhhh yea I forgot to mention! We bought a brand new car over the weekend! My old car had been giving us some problems and Jesse didn’t want me driving it because it wasn’t safe so we traded it in. I’m glad we bought this car because I seriously plan on having it for a really long time and it’s my first time having a new car! I’ve only ever had used cars and I never thought in my life I’d have a new car to be honest. I never cared about getting used or new cars because a car is a car but it’s pretty dope having a car that’s brand new with no unknown history about it, ya know? I’m extremely grateful to be able to have a new car and definitely don’t take it for granted.

….

I’ll try to make this second half a bit short because I’m somewhat past it. About a month ago I found out that an old friend of mines nephew passed away from drowning in a pool and it really got to me. I didn’t know her nephew but since I would see him on social media it really hurt my heart since I could put a face to the horrible news. That entire day I couldn’t stop thinking about it and occasionally bursting out in tears just thinking of it because my heart hurt so bad for her family. And it made me think of my own son and I started getting anxious. Every day since then I just feel extra protective over him and extra sensitive. For a couple weeks following, all I saw on social media was death. Like it was everywhere around me and it was all I had on my mind and it terrified me. I was terrified that someone in my family was going to die and I just felt so sad and Jesse didn’t seem to understand what I was going through. I still don’t like hearing about people dying, I mean nobody likes to hear about it obviously but I really just don’t want to know about it…at all. I’ve also got news about other people in my family not doing so well and it’s just all really effected me recently and I feel like I’m always on edge lately. I’ve been depressed and just so misunderstood. It’s probably why I was so sad for Jesse to go back to work because then I’m alone. I know I don’t have to be alone and I can go see family or friends during the week but sometimes the only company I want is his and Levi’s. Because I don’t have to try to be someone else for an hour or so. I don’t have to pretend that I’m happy or that I think my life is great because when you’re down you think the opposite no matter how fortunate you may be. So, yeah. I’ve been going through that the past few weeks and it’s hard to really write all my feelings out the way that I’m feeling them. I’m just more anxious and scared that somethings going to happen to someone and I can’t seem to relax. Maybe with more time I’ll start to feel better…

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