How was everyone’s holiday?! It was so much fun celebrating Levi’s first Christmas! It was a very busy two days for us and I feel like I still haven’t had a chance to settle down and relax this past week. I had to work the past five days and I finally had today off and then I have to work the next five *sigh*. A working moms life, am I right? The holidays sure did come and go. I remember being pregnant and looking forward to Christmas with Levi. It was pretty special! I’m so glad we did a Christmas card. Stuff like that makes me really happy!
Anyone doing anything fun tonight? Levi’s currently taking a nap (5:53pm) and we’ll all probably go to bed around 8 or 9. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a rebel and stay up until 10! I don’t drink and I’m definitely not interested in partying to ring in the new year. I’m super boring, I know. Levi’s been quite fussy as of late and I think he’s teething because he’s drooling like a mofo. He still isn’t crawling and I’m trying to encourage it because it seems like everyone else’s babies crawled at 8 months but I guess he’ll do it on his own time. We’re still doing purées. I try solid food but whenever he touches it he doesn’t like the texture and will pull his hand back. I haven’t given up, though. I still haven’t fed him peanut butter or meat yet. I’ll get to it eventually. The meat I’m not too worried about. The peanut butter gives me anxiety just thinking about it. I wish I could feed it to him in a hospital just in case he’s allergic to it. He’s still waking up twice a night for a bottle. I have no clue how babies sleep all through the night. I try not to stress over it. I never thought I’d compare him to other babies but it’s finally happening and it sucks! I know every baby is different but sometimes I can’t help myself. Oh well.
We’ll be going on our trip in a few weeks and I’m getting so excited but also sad because I’m going to miss Levi and our pets so much. It’ll be really nice to get some uninterrupted sleep, though. Jesse has almost the whole month of January off because he’s taking the rest of his paternity leave now. It’ll really helpful since I’ve been working five days a week now. Works been pretty overwhelming lately. A lot of people have left recently which has put us short on staff so that’s why I’ve been working an extra day. Not going to lie, it’s really hard on me. I don’t want to complain but some days I just want to cry because I’m so exhausted and I miss having the extra day with Levi. At the end of the week I feel like Ive barely seen him or spent any time with him. I start to blame myself for him not advancing with foods or crawling because I’m not around. He’s with different family members every week and nothing’s consistent. Every person does different things with him and it’s out of my control. Sure, I could tell them what I want but he’s not in the same environment so it’ll always be different. Can you tell this stresses me out? You can tell me he’s fine but I’ll still always stress about it. To say I’m jealous of my friends who get to spend more time with their babies would be an understatement. Soak it all in mamas because you’re fucking lucky and it really sucks to work while your first born is growing and you feel like you’re missing everything. Yeah, I didn’t mean to complain but there it is. Nobody at work understands so I never really have anyone to talk to. They tell me they’re tired at work and I believe it because I know what that tired feels like, but my tired is much different.
This sort of brings me to my next discussion…since today is the last day of 2018, a lot of people are posting their best memories and top 9 photos of 2018. It’s awesome. That’s why social media is great, because you can share things that made/make you happy and share beautiful photos. But it also sucks if you had a shit year and you go on social media and you’re reminded that your year sucked compared to the person who got the job promotion or the person who bought a house. Listen, I totally get it. My year started off grieving over the loss of someone so so special to me (it’s her birthday today, btw). Then I ended up in the hospital due to my blood sugars and I wasn’t sure how my unborn baby was doing and every day I’d fear I’d lose him or if I ate a cookie that I’d somehow make him deformed or whatever. I also felt really isolated during my pregnancy. Jesse played a lot of video games and when he’d come home I’d just go into the baby’s room or my room and sit and listen to music or go on my phone. I was always alone. It was depressing as hell. The greatest day of the year was when Levi was born, no doubt. But after he was born I felt sick and vomited right after. Then trying to breastfeed was a nightmare so I dealt with that battle. During my time off I actually gained weight so I was extremely self conscious and I remember never wanting anyone to see me because I hated my body and I hated how I looked in any type of clothing. My thighs got bigger, my stomach was different. Then I dealt with a new bodily issue. I haven’t talked about it on here yet but I guess today’s the day. I used to deal with having what I thought was IBS. I never had issues going to the bathroom. Now, I go maybe once a day or maybe once every couple days. Every Bowel movement hurts. No matter how much water or fiber I intake, it hurts. Yes, I’ve gotten checked out and supposedly everything is fine. But that sucks. It’s gotten a little better but it’s still painful. TMI should be my middle name, huh? After going back to work and always being stressed out I’ve dealt with a lot of my own demons that I try to suppress. I get mad easily and it’s actually embarrassing. Jesse puts up with a lot from me and my roller coaster of Emotions. I’m trying to figure myself out and how I can stay more calm but I feel anxious a lot. Lately I’ve been so sad about life and where I’m at. If you looked at my life you might think I have it all but when I see it, there’s so much more that I want and that’s my problem. I have so much and I’m so grateful but sometimes it’s easy to go on social media and compare lives. I’m kind of writing all of this so that if anyone feels like they had a crappy year and are comparing themselves to everyone who had a great year…don’t worry you’re not alone! Maybe my year doesn’t sound difficult to you but it was for me. There’s a lot of comparing myself to others or comparing Levi to other babies. Work stresses me out and now that I’m working five days and barely being able to spend time with Levi, I’m always sad. Like, always. Nobody gets it though. When I talk about it I feel like they just thinking I’m whining. I’m so glad I’m able to work and have a job and making money is awesome but it’s like I’m trying to get a breath of fresh air and I just keep sinking. It’s really hard.
I’d say my year was amazing because I have the perfect, sweetest, cutest baby boy that I’m so obsessed with but I also had a very very hard year dealing with my mental health. I’m still struggling. The holidays have been nice but also sad because of my nana not being here so it’s been hard to enjoy 100%. I’m lucky to have a partner that sticks by my side through all my personal hardships, and our own. We’ve argued a lot this year. Having a baby is hard work and things get tough sometimes but I have to say that our love for each other and our family outweighs all the bad. Our relationship will never be perfect (nobody’s is no matter how hard you try to front on Instagram!) but it is worth it. I wouldn’t trade my little family for the world. I love us.
So I hope this new year will bring good health and plenty of happiness to anyone reading this. Just remember that any type of hardship you face, you can and will get through it. I promise.
Happy new year everyone.