19 Weeks Postpartum.

Hi, friends! The cold that kicked our butts last week is still making its way out of our systems. It’s mainly my system thats taking it’s sweet time to get out of, Levi is doing pretty well with only a few coughs and sneezes here and there. I’m congested AF and my cough sounds terrible and it’s very annoying. We’ve been keeping things low key lately since I still haven’t felt 100%. Since today is a holiday, Jesse has the day off and is spending it with us! I keep forgetting it’s Monday. We went and got donuts this morning for breakfast and then went to the grocery store after. Since then we’ve been relaxing at home. I started cleaning the house yesterday and didn’t finish because I ended up taking a two hour nap and was still exhausted so I finished up the last few of my chores. Who else loves a clean house? I mean, if you came over right now you’d think it was a mess but that’s because there’s baby stuff all over. Yesterday was fun, too. We went out to Kohls and got Levi some cute clothes that were on sale (hello, clearance rack!) and then had some good BBQ and ice cream. Have you ever tried avocado flavored ice cream? It’s delicious!

Last week while I was really sick, my blood sugars were out of control. I’ve never experienced such high numbers since being diagnosed! My blood sugar was all the way in the 500’s! It’s like my body was rejecting the insulin?? I have since adjusted my insulin ratio (yeah, I should probably ask my doctor first but oh well) and I seem to be doing a lot better. It was probably why I was so tired yesterday because when your blood sugar is high you tend to get very sleepy! Since we’re on the topic of my well being, I’ve been contemplating getting a trainer for the gym. I’ve been really down on myself lately and I’m in this vicious cycle of hating myself so then I eat to feel better but then hating that I just ate all this bad food so I hate myself some more and eat to feel better again. You’d think that since I know this I wouldn’t be doing it but having an unhealthy relationship with food is really hard for people like me. I’ve never dealt with anorexia or bulimia, mostly just binge eating. I’m not sure of the cost of getting a personal trainer but I really want to talk to someone at this gym by my house. It’s a gym thats for people and personal training, so it’s not your typical gym with all those people in it. I feel like once I have someone to push me and get me on the right track I’ll be able to have more control over myself and my mind and be able to do things myself. The thought of working out in the gym terrifies me because I absolutely hate working out in a gym so I know I won’t go on my own. The air quality has been shit where I live also so I’m not really in the mood to workout outside either, and my house is less than 1,000 sq ft so it’s also tiny AF and there’s zero room to workout. See all these excuses I give myself to continue to be lazy? Don’t judge.

It’s funny because before I was pregnant or anything, I would see women on social media beating themselves up over their bodies after they had their babies and I would tell myself that I’d never be like them and that I’d be gentle with myself because I JUST HAD A BABY! Well, turns out I am nothing like I told myself I should be. I’ve had a family member tell me I should work out. Sure they’re coming from a good place, but that HURT. It hurt a lot. Thinking about it makes me want to cry actually. Why do other people care what I look like? I don’t care what other people look like at all, especially if they had a baby x months ago. Some women don’t get their bodies back until a year or so after and thats what I tell myself is OK. Some get their bodies back a few short months after, but even then, why does it matter?! Some never get their bodies back and that’s OK. So if I know all of this, why do I beat myself up? Why do I call myself ugly every.single.day? I never did that before I had Levi because I was actually really comfortable with myself before even though I wasn’t “skinny”. I was a size 6/8 140lbs and I was happy with myself. Sure, I had my days where all I saw were my flaws but I didn’t hate myself every day like I do now. I recently weighed myself and I’m five pounds away from where I was when I was pregnant. I gained 30 pounds in my pregnancy. I’ve gained weight since having my son and it fucking sucks. Sorry for cursing but it sucks that I did this to myself, you know? I can’t really blame pregnancy on gaining the weight now. Now i’m wearing size 10/12 and 165lbs and I hate getting dressed to go out because I’m never fully comfortable with myself. I hate everything. I don’t want anyone who gained more weight than I did or anyone who might be heavier than me to think that I would look down on them by the way. This is just my journey and the way I feel about myself. I honestly feel like I’m nicer to other people and am such an advocate on women loving themselves however they are. I wish I could tell myself these nice things but it’s hard when other people seem to feel like they need to chime in…

Anyways, I didn’t mean for this post to take such a turn. Hopefully someone out there can relate to what I’m going through. It’s fucking hard.

So Levi got his shots last Thursday and of course he cried but he actually did quite well that night and the next day. A bit fussy but nowhere near last time. I bought some rice cereal today at the store and I was going to wait until 5 months to give it to him but I tried it today out of curiosity. He didn’t seem to like it but I guess I did it wrong, anyways. A friend told me I made it too thick so next time (closer to 5 months) I will try it again but less thick! I actually want to try a veggie puree next time first and then if that goes well I’ll mix it with the rice cereal. I was actually going to skip the whole rice/oatmeal cereals because I read it actually has no nutritional value so there’s no point to it but I think a little won’t hurt. If you ask your parents what they first fed you as a baby I’m sure they’ll say they did baby cereal and are you alive right now reading this? Most likely (hopefully lol). So I’ve decided that a little won’t hurt and he’ll be fine! I’m looking forward to making him his purees! I read an article about how all of the pre made baby food has added acid in it (like citric acid) and how it’s unnecessary and how the baby food’s expiration date is like two years out and how bad that is so it freaked me out and that just makes me want to make Levi his own food even more. I still would like to have some baby food on hand as backup probably in case I run out of anything I made or whatever the case may be. In all honesty, I have no idea what I’m doing. Are all first time moms feeling the same? Hope so. I get a lot of advice from people around me on what to do but the way my personality is….I do what I want even if I don’t know what I’m doing. Sorry ’bout it! No, I really do like advice because it helps if what I try doesn’t work then I have something else to fall back on. I’ll always do it my way first, though 😉

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