17 Weeks Postpartum.

I’m finally experiencing this 4 month sleep regression! Man, is it hitting us kind of hard! During the day he hasn’t been taking as long of naps as usual and when we put him down for bed he will sleep for about 30-40 minutes before he wakes up crying and we give him the pacifier and he goes back to sleep but wakes up again a short while later. The other night Jesse put him into our bed to sleep because it was so bad. I hated putting him into our bed because I just got done working so hard having him sleep in his crib but last night he slept in his crib just fine so that was good. We took Levi to his first baseball game yesterday! I take him to Jesse’s softball games every week or so but a REAL game full of loud fans was definitely a new experience. Once we entered the coliseum he immediately started crying and screaming so once we got to our seats I quickly made him a bottle but he didn’t seem so interested in it honestly. I think once we sat down and I was holding him he calmed down. He sat through the game and didn’t make a peep the whole time! I was so proud of my boy! He just stared at people and sat on our laps. He did amazing and it made us so happy because this was a big game and I look forward to going to other games especially when they are more relaxed baseball games. He looked so flipping adorable with his little Oakland A’s shoes on! We didn’t have any cute A’s clothes so he just rocked the shoes and an A’s bib that came with it. I know having him at the game made Jesse so happy. We went with our friend and her son and I’m so happy they came with us!

This past week has been pretty intense to say the least. I worked the closing shift three days last week and it was rough. I absolutely hate working so late because I barely get to see Levi and spend time with him because I’m absolutely exhausted from work. My mental stability is kind of dwindling to be honest. It’s been hard to stay positive and happy all of the time. I find myself thinking negative thoughts and just feeling down a lot. I seriously have no idea how my parents worked full time and raised me and my brother. I’m jealous of the moms who have the chance to stay home with their kids. As I type this I realize I actually could never be a stay at home mom. Maybe if I had more kids, but with one I probably would go stir crazy. Yeah, you can find things to do and get out of the house but I do enjoy having a break while at work. Ugh, it’s still really hard though. I wish I could do both. I think the hard part of working at a place where a lot of people don’t have kids is that I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I have friends who are moms but some work and some don’t, and we do different things. It would be nice to have someone at work who I could talk to about stuff because I try not to bring up my son in conversations because I know most people don’t care (that’s completely fine btw, baby talk isn’t for everyone).

Anyways, yeah, I’m kind of struggling lately and it takes a toll on me and my relationship. I’m not always pleasant to be around and I hate knowing that about myself. Jesse has his moments too, though. Sometimes I just want a break and want to go on a vacation. Just the three of us…that would be nice. Jesse actually wants to go to Hawaii soon but I’m not physically ready for that yet so we’re planning to go next year although he really wants to go in December but that seems too close for me. I’m still trying to eat better and do better. It’ll be a process and I just have to be OK with it. What makes it hard is when other people comment on it. That’s when I feel like absolute shit. No, not Jesse. I actually feel so grateful for him because he compliments me every day even when I know I look terrible. He’d never tell me that though.

This post is coming to an end because my little monster just woke up. I’m in a mood where I just want to cuddle him and lay down. I think he wants to do the opposite though, ha ha. His four month doctor appointment is next week on Monday! I’m nervous about that because of the shots and how he reacted last time. I’m also interested in when the doctor will think he’s ready for food. I’m definitely not ready for that yet. I think I want to wait until 5-6 months. I used to be so excited for him to eat food and now I see it as a sign of him growing up and I don’t want my baby to grow up yet! I still can’t believe he’ll be FOUR months old in a few short days. Insane.

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