15 Weeks Postpartum.

I think the feeling of disappointment has finally really set in. Before having Levi I told myself and others that I would never let him sleep with us in the bed. Have I completely done a 180 on that? Yes. Do I regret it? 100% yes. We started out with him in the bassinet and, truth is, we got lazy. In the middle of the night towards his last stretch of sleep he’d be extra hard to put back down and we got lazy and didn’t want to deal with it so we put him in our bed knowing he’d fall right asleep. Time went on and the bassinet was a no go. Once his little head touched it, it was game over. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it’s really starting to hurt our family. Getting no sleep and still waking up every 2 hours is exhausting. Being at work for 9 hours and having to still go pick him up and drive home and do dinner and clean and shower and do everything else is exhausting. It shows in my mood. I’m definitely more irritable and Jesse is too. When I tell people at work I’m tired and they tell me they’re tired too, I just know it’s a different kind of tired. I’m in no way discrediting someone else’s tiredness, but mines just different.

I’m currently reading the book Babywise and it’s giving me some good information so far. Put baby in crib before he’s asleep. Don’t rock or feed him to sleep. Try crying it out for 10, 20, even 30 minutes. If he’s truly tired, he’ll sleep. So much easier said than done in my opinion. My child cries hard and ends up choking. That’s the scariest sound on the planet to me! What’s worse is I tried that Merlin sleep suit and I just can’t do it. It’s way too hot to be putting my baby in there. I feel like he’s going to overheat in it. I already ripped the tags off, anyone want it?? Lol, I’m not kidding either. I’m going to try putting Levi in his crib tonight when it’s his bed time so I’m hoping this will work, and I’m going to try to let him cry it out if need be. I’m already getting stressed out about it.

Speaking of stress, I feel so overwhelmed lately. I’ve been having stomach aches in the morning not sure where they’re coming from but I’m assuming it’s all stress related even though I wake up with a clear mind. I feel like there’s so much to do and so little time. I’ve been feeling like the shittiest parent. I don’t breastfeed, my baby doesn’t get a full nights rest, I didn’t sleep train my baby earlier before going back to work, my body still sucks, I can’t stop eating crap food, and the list goes on…

Sorry if my posts are a bit daunting these days. There’s just no sugar coating anything for me. Life is shitty sometimes. On the bright side though, I was able to enjoy a day with my little family yesterday. We went to Pacifica. We were supposed to go to Tahoe but plans changed and we ended up there. It was a cold and foggy day but what mattered most was the time we spent together. It was nice. Levi’s been chatting up a storm lately. We went for a walk last night and he talked the whole night. Music to my ears! I also think he’s the chunkiest baby out of my friends who had babies within months of him, even though they’re older. I love my chunky boy, his thighs are so scrumptious!! I always wonder if he’ll be tall like Jesse. I went to target today and bought him some new toys. We didn’t have many small toys for him to grab or look at so I wanted to get a few. I’m not sure how our small home will be when Christmas rolls around to be honest. We hardly have space for anything! I’m actually hoping he doesn’t get too much stuff because I don’t think he needs a lot of things but I know the grandparents will think differently! What are your thoughts on gifts? I already told Jesse we should only get Levi a few things since he’s still going to be so little and won’t know any different.

Anyways, tonight I’m going to make steak fajitas and I plan on not eating any tortillas! I’m for sure going to cut out as many unnecessary carbohydrates as possible from my diet (says the girl who just made chocolate brownies). Forever sabotaging myself!

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