13 Weeks Postpartum.

So Levi is officially three months old today! Can you believe I’ve kept a baby alive for three whole months? Crazy, right? No, seriously though. It’s so weird to think that I was petrified of having a baby and being a mother, even though I wanted him so bad. I was so doubtful and just really negative towards myself about being a mom. My little boy is so happy and I love him so much. It really is hard to picture my life without him in it. I feel so blessed to be able to be apart of his life. Lately he’s been blowing tons of bubbles, drooling, and really loving his fists in his mouth. Teething? Maybe we’ll get some teeth early, who knows! We’ve officially quit the bassinet and he sleeps with us. I swear he could be dead asleep and once his head touches that bassinet its game over for us so we’ve given up. Now it’s going to be trying to transition him from bed to crib, which I know will be tough. I know I talked a lot about his sleep in the last blog post so I’ll keep this one shorter. For now I’m not even going to stress about him sleeping in the crib. I’m too stressed about other things in life that I just don’t care about that right now to be honest. He no longer fits in some of his three month clothing so I busted out all of his six month clothing and thats what we’re wearing these days! Some items are a bit too big but for the most part that’s what he fits best. Some of the three month shirts and pants are a bit too snug, so my family members have pointed out. Don’t you love that? You put your kid in something and every one critiques it. Thanks, guys.

So last week completely kicked my ass. First day back to work was a mess. I felt so out of place and it ended up being a really busy day. Oddly enough the second day back to work was much smoother and it felt like I had never left, super weird! Jesse had a few events during the week and a softball game so I was very overwhelmed. I’d have to wake up at 5AM to get ready and drop Levi off at whoever’s house, then when I got off at 4 I’d have to drive and pick him up, then go home and be alone with him for a few hours until Jesse got home. It’s so hot these days and I had been sweating at work all day from running around and I wanted so desperately to go take a shower when I got home but that wasn’t going to happen. And if I got lucky I’d be able to cook dinner. Otherwise I’d have to tend to Levi until Jesse got home which was around 7PM. Needless to say when Saturday came I was exhausted at work and I couldn’t wait to be off. I spent most of yesterday lounging around because my body hurt and I was just mentally and physically exhausted. I’m hoping this week will be smoother because Jesse won’t have any events and I’m not suffering from all the anxiety of leaving Levi for the day. I missed him a lot while I was at work and then by the time we were in bed at night, I felt so guilty that I wasn’t able to be with him all day. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I give major props to the single moms and dads out there, or the working parents who maybe have to work two jobs. I can’t imagine what that’s like. I was happy that it was just me and him today because I was able to cuddle him and love on him all day. There’s a couple of days this week where I won’t be getting off of work until 7PM and that’s going to be so hard for me because I won’t be able to spend much time with him until it’s time for him to go to bed.

I originally had so much I wanted to talk about but now I’m sitting here and I can’t even remember what I wanted to write about. I guess it wasn’t that important. Oh yeah, being back at work. It’s a new experience. I feel very uncomfortable about my appearance. There are people who didn’t know I was pregnant, so I feel like when they see me they probably just think I disappeared for several months and got fat. I was telling Jesse earlier that for the people who know I had a baby, they know why I look the way I look. For the people who don’t know (strangers), they probably just think I’m fat. It’s a weird thought. Maybe nobody thinks this way, but I do and it makes me extremely self conscious. I felt like I did so well last week with my eating and the scale says I gained three pounds. How?! It’s so frustrating. It’s really hard to stay positive lately.

Anyways, tonight I’m going to make a salad for dinner so I’m quite excited about that. I’m interested in how this second week back to work will be for me, hoping it’ll go better than last week since it was quite rough on me. I’m grateful for a job that lets me have three days off in the week, especially Sunday and Monday. If I had to work today I would probably still be a mess. Having the two days to recover and be with my family helps a lot. It’s sad that I only get one day to be with my family but I know it won’t be like that forever so I’ll suck it up.

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