12 Weeks Postpartum.

First I’d like to share this amazing Spanish Chicken and Rice recipe! Lately I’ve been a chicken thigh lover since it has 10x more flavor than chicken breasts. This is a one pan recipe and it’s so simple! I’ll link it Here. So flavorful and easy! A must try in my opinion 🙂

Okay, now to the blog post. Last week was my last week spending every day with Levi! I was definitely a bit down, okay very down. I didn’t want to be around anyone besides my family to be honest. I’ve already cried and had insane thoughts run through my head. Will he forget me when I’m gone? Will he know I’m still his mom? Omg what if someone forgets he’s sleeping and they go off and do something? Omg what if he gets hurt in their care? The thoughts are endless. And yes, I’m leaving him with different family members who I trust but I’m still scared as hell. It’s like, nobody knows him like I know him. It’s very dramatic. To say I’m anxious would be an understatement. I’ve already got his bag packed for what he’ll need tomorrow. Luckily my aunt who I’m leaving him with is like a baby whisperer so I know I don’t have to tell her much because she knows what she’s doing so that makes me feel so good. I know he’ll be in good hands but I worry.

Anyways, I think he’s going through a leap because he’s been quite fussy the past couple of days. He’s also been a pain to get to sleep in his bassinet. He’ll only sleep in the bed. I’ve tried multiple times to get him to nap in his crib too and he hates it. Sometimes I feel like a failure because all these other moms have sleep schedules and their baby sleeps for long periods of times. I live in a two story townhouse and since it’s hot here in the Bay Area, the upstairs is seriously 20 degrees warmer than downstairs. Even with the AC blasting. It’s like it doesn’t work upstairs. I already hate going up there during the day if I don’t have to. So trying to have a nap sleep schedule in his crib just sounds daunting because there’s no chair in there for me to sit in so how do I get him to sleep in there? I try hanging out in there with him sometimes just to familiarize the room to him. The bassinet only works if he’s passed out already downstairs and we put him in there. I mean, his bed time is usually 10/10:30 and he usually wakes up between 7-7:30 in the morning. Waking up every 2-3 hours in the night. I wish we only had to wake up once but maybe one day that’ll happen. I don’t plan on trying to get him to bed any earlier honestly because sometimes we don’t get off of work until 7 and then I have to pick him up from whoever’s house he’s at, go home, eat/shower, etc so a 10pm bedtime works best for us. His first nap of the day is usually 10AM and then after that I don’t really care about when he takes his other naps because some days it changes! He will take a nap maybe 4pm-6pm and I like those naps because then he’ll be awake from 6-10 and it tires him out. Okay, enough about naps because it stresses me out haha.

I’m not the kind of mom who reads books on every little subject. I don’t research things unless I have to and I feel like the moms I know of (or at least I think) do all of these things. Does it make me a shitty mom? I’m not sure. I’m just more easy going I suppose. At least that’s what I tell myself so I don’t feel like a shitty parent. I’m still thinking about taking myself off of social media but it sucks because I like posting on my Instagram sometimes. Maybe going back to work will make me feel better and stop overthinking about stuff like this. Speaking of work, I’m dreading it tomorrow. I feel like I’ll be so rusty and I don’t want to annoy anyone with my slowness. I feel like my job is fast paced and you can’t really slack off if there’s a ton to get done. I’ll be working with the cats all week and I’m pretty excited about it since I haven’t been able to work with them since I got pregnant. I looked on our website and it seems like there are a ton of kitties so I think I’ll be quite busy.

Well, here’s to hoping my first week back to work goes smoothly! I’m sure I’ll get absolutely no sleep tonight because I’ll have too much anxiety over it. Luckily Jesse offered to take care of Levi tonight (since it would have been my night) so that I won’t have to wake up in the middle of the night to feed him. I’m really lucky to have him. I feel like I’ve been so hard to love lately because I’ve been so emotional and moody but he still tells me he loves me and how pretty he thinks I am (even when I’m a hot mess) every day. It’s the little things.