11 Weeks Postpartum.

I hope everyone had a great Fourth of July! My little family celebrated by going to a small parade in my city’s downtown area. After being there in the morning we decided to travel about an hour away to these outlets. Tons of Fourth of July sales! Since I go back to work next week *GASP*, I needed to buy new jeans to wear since all of my old jeans no longer fit me. I definitely have jeans designated for work since I can get jumped on by poopy puppies or crazy kittens sometimes! I don’t like to ruin my nice jeans that cost a bit more. Anyways, after doing some shopping we went home and relaxed until it was firework time. Instead of going to the marina downtown, we decided to walk up the street where there’s a large parking lot and hang out there since the fireworks were visible there. Levi was asleep anyways so it wasn’t a big deal. We also brought our dog Wilson with us. He couldn’t care any less about fireworks! It was a nice day spent together and I loved dressing Levi up for the holiday.

The next day I decided to visit my aunt a couple of hours away with my parents. Levi was a champ and slept the entire ride there and back, waking up only a couple of times I think. It was nice visiting with my aunt and cousin who I don’t see very often. The weekend brought a bit of laziness. I think since I’m going back to work soon, I don’t feel like doing anything but being with Jesse and Levi. We did however drop Levi off at my SIL’s house so we could have a little date and go to the movies. We saw The Purge and it was so good! It definitely freaks me out and I jumped a couple of times during the movie, but we liked it a lot. Sunday we took a trip to Target just to get some necessities and I promise you we didn’t get anything we didn’t need! First time that’s ever happened.

I’m sure most of you have heard about the boys trapped in a cave in Thailand, and maybe you also heard about the woman who was in an accident and lost her husband and four daughters. Luckily, from what I know so far, four boys have been rescued. I’m not religious and I don’t pray often, but I got so emotional over those tragedies that I prayed the other night for them. I just believe in a higher power and when I do pray, I don’t pray for things to be given to me. I pray for others and I pray for strength to get through hardships. I remember after my nana passed away thats all I prayed for, just to help me. Speaking of her, I’ve been thinking about her a lot. I mean, I think about her pretty much daily because I always see her photo in my house, but I miss her. I still like to pretend she’s still here. I know that might sound weird, but it helps me not to break down. I’ll be having one of my aunts watch Levi one day a week and she lived with my nana. Going to the house to visit her is always hard for me since my nana isn’t there so it’ll be hard to go once a week just to drop Levi off. I’m sure it’ll get easier for me though.

Since this is my last week being with Levi every day 24/7 I have been extremely emotional. I also started my period again? Weird since it hasn’t been a full month since my last one but I think my body is just trying to get back to normal. Anyways, I know he’ll only be away from me for four days out of the week but I get really sad about it. It also sucks because I feel like I’m a control freak when it comes to him and I’m terrified of people doing things with him for the first time without me. Like going to a special park for the first time or whatever, something like that. I guess it’s something us working moms just have to sacrifice.

To end this post I’m going to share a quote from a woman I follow on Instagram. Her name is Katie Willcox and she’s a model who is very body positive and preaches being healthy instead of skinny. Anyways, she was in Parents magazine and on the topic about negative voices she said, “When you’re pregnant, everyone loves your belly, but immediately after you give birth, you’re expected to look like you never had one. That round belly everyone thought was so beautiful is suddenly shameful. No one even acknowledges how weird that is!”

I’m on a long road of accepting myself again and it’s going to be hard, but I’ll get there. I don’t think I’ll ever stop talking about it since it’s something I’m struggling with a lot. I’ve even thought about deleting Instagram and Snapchat off of my phone so that I can focus on myself without constantly looking at women who I  wish I looked like. Reality is, I’ll never look like them. Even if I worked out and ate extremely healthy because my body is completely different than theirs. It’ll always be an unattainable goal but sometimes your mind tricks you into thinking that their bodies are better and yours sucks especially if you’re always looking at those photos. Those women are beautiful don’t get me wrong, but it puts my mind in a dark place of comparison. We’ll see what I end up doing.

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