9 Weeks Postpartum.

(Baby and dog cuddles are the best!)

Lately I’ve really been enjoying cooking. I mean, I always enjoyed it but recently it’s been even more therapeutic for me. There are still days when I’m lazy, especially when it’s hot outside and last place I want to be is standing over a hot stove or oven. What’s therapeutic to you? Having a baby makes it kind of hard to do the things we love by ourselves. I used to be the person who really questioned why moms coulnd’t just work out while their baby slept, or cooked, or did whatever they wanted. It is HARD. When Levi sleeps I’m mentally exhausted. I’ve attempted working out and it just doesn’t happen because I’m tired and I just want to be a potato on the couch and binge on junk food. I’m still having such a hard time with everything. I know, post after post I keep saying the same things but I actually can’t get myself out of my rut. I went clothes shopping with money I don’t have (hi, large credit card debt!) to buy stuff because I don’t feel good in anything I have. I’m tired of wearing the same three jeans. I have TWENTY pounds to lose. I think of that number and it’s sounds impossible for me to be able to lose, especially when I’m stuck at home. I’m really good at being a homebody because I like being by myself so I never really feel like going out much. It takes a lot for me to want to hang out with someone, not because I don’t want to, but because I enjoy being by myself maybe a little too much. I’ve had my cousin tell me multiple times that I should join a moms group that she’s in but the thought of having to interact with people sounds exhausting, haha. Plus, I hate to sound like one of those people who says “no new friends,” but right now I’m content with my friends and I don’t feel like socializing with other people who I know I will never be close with. Is that too harsh? I’m not trying to sound like a horrible person. I just don’t care to meet other people right now. It takes a lot for me to open up and become close with people anyways so I don’t feel like wasting my time on making acquaintances. Dang, maybe I am an asshole. Oh well.

Levi has been making me laugh and smile SO much lately! It’s getting easier and easier to make him smile and I love it. He’s found his hands and I caught him sucking his thumb the other day for the first time! I was holding him and looked down and he just had his cute thumb in his mouth. He hasn’t done it since, but it was so adorable. We got on the scale together to see how much he weighed and it said 13 pounds! We go to the doctors tomorrow so we’ll know his official weight tomorrow. It’s also shot day! I’m so nervous about him getting a fever because I’ve clearly never taken care of a sick baby before so I’m a bit terrified. I heard that babies may become more fussy or tired throughout the day so I’m interested to see how he’ll be. He’s finally sleeping a bit longer at night! His first stretch is usually from 10:30/11-2:30/3am and then again from 2:30/3-5/5:30am and then will sleep another two hours and officially wake up after that to start the day! Mommy and daddy are happy sleepers!

My blood sugars haven’t been the best lately. I feel like I just don’t care anymore, which is really bad. It’s worse since I’m home and I just eat whatever, whenever. Diabetes sucks. I was really my healthiest while pregnant. I know whats good for me and what isn’t, but sometimes I don’t have control over myself. Hence the reason I feel like I’ve totally gained weight after giving birth. Food is comforting to me and especially since I was an emotional wreck for a few weeks I definitely relied on food to make me feel better. Emotionally I feel a lot better, no more ice cream binges! Ice cream doesn’t even sound that good to me anymore. I still like having chocolate though so I always like to pick up my favorite chocolates at the checkout stand to keep in my fridge for those after dinner cravings. Honestly, I know once I start work again I’ll be a lot better physically and mentally. Yesterday and today I’ve been more excited to go back to work and start my working mom life. Might sound lame but it’s true. It’s going to put me to the real test but I know I’ll be okay after the first few weeks (hopefully). I’m going to miss the crap out of him while I’m gone though. I know he’ll be in good hands but I still get nervous about leaving him. I always feel guilty when I leave the house by myself without him.

Well, here’s a photo of me today. I hate this picture so much and all I did was stare at it and pick out the things I hated about myself. We’re always our worst critic. I almost wrote out the things I hated about myself, but I’m not going to do that because what good will that do? I guess I just want to document what I look like at 9 weeks postpartum and I know I WILL get down to where I want to be eventually. I think the worst part is that I follow fitness models on instagram and they get their bodies back super fast. I should honestly just unfollow them since I keep comparing myself to them. In reality I know they look awesome because they worked out their entire pregnancy and got back in to the gym asap. I, on the other hand, am not like them at all so I shouldn’t put that pressure on myself. I’m very grateful to have an amazing boyfriend who tells me how beautiful I am every single day (no joke). Most of the time my reply is, “yeah, right.” I love that he loves me the way that I am and it does make me feel better since I’m sad about my appearance. I know I said 20 pounds, but the number on the scale isn’t very important to me. I just know that I’m most comfortable where I started at before I was pregnant. I’ve never been a skinny girl, I’ve always had weight on me and I’m totally OK with that because skinny does NOT equal happiness when that’s your only goal. I actually had to unfollow someone who I was once friends on social media with because she had lost weight and was absolutely gorgeous but all she posted was how fat she thought she was and how ugly she was as her captions to her photos and it annoyed the CRAP out of me because “skinny” was her goal. As much as I wanted to tell her that no matter how skinny she got she’d never be happy because of her mindset, I didn’t. I just unfollowed her instead and she quickly unfollowed me too, lol whoops! Happiness, for me, comes with feeling comfortable in my own skin and I’m completely comfortable at 140lbs. Sure, I always wonder what I’d look like if I had a completely flat stomach and thin thighs that don’t jiggle but that isn’t really a goal of mine. If it’s yours, then great! Okay, i’m totally rambling now. Basically, I’m just trying to be happy and comfortable again so I’m posting this photo so that I can look back on it and see how far I’ve gotten even if it takes all year to achieve it!

Thick thighs save lives, am I right? No? Bad overused joke? Yes. Okay see you next post!