1 Week Postpartum.

I can not believe a week ago my son was born! I was telling Jesse yesterday that I don’t want him to grow up! I look forward to all the new things that will happen when he gets older but I already feel like time is moving so fast.

A little about my boy is that he loves his swing (thanks, Steph!) and his pacifier! I used to be one of those people who always said I’d never give my kid a pacifier because I didn’t want to create bad habits but he loves it and it soothes him. Mommy and Daddy appreciate the pacifier during those fussy moments!! He poops and pees regularly, which is good since he has a little jaundice. He has the cutest, sweetest smile when he poops or has gas, haha. He also has some intervals of awake time for about 1.5-2 hours, which he loves to just chill and look around the room. I always feel like I need to entertain him during those times but he’s so content just laying down or being in his swing. He’s not much of a cryer except when changing his diaper/clothes. He likes to scream during those moments. Oh and he also does not like bath time either! He likes to scream and cry throughout that process as well. Fun, right? Overall I feel so lucky and I wouldn’t change anything about him and he fits our little family so well.

Day One and Two at home I was told would be the worst because of cluster feeding, but since I’m formula feeding I didn’t have that problem. At least, that’s my theory. He slept amazing and I had to wake him up to feed. I was told never to wake a sleeping baby, but then the nurses said I had to wake him up because babies aren’t used to being woken up to eat since they’re used to being fed all the time through the umbilical cord. So for those first few days we woke him up. He was a perfect angel the first couple of days!

Fast forward to today, where we’ve had a few fussy nights the past three days. Last night was because he was awake for so long and he just wasn’t in the mood to sleep I guess! We fed him, changed his dirty diapers, and when he’d go down into his bassinet he’d wake up crying within 5-10 minutes. My only suspicion is that we changed the formula yesterday. Not the brand, just the type. We started him off with pro sensitive and since we ran out we had the regular kind and I think it upset his tummy. Because this bothered me we went back to the pro sensitive and I think it’s already making a difference. He was being so fussy that Jesse went downstairs with him and put him in his swing to sleep. I woke up around 4:30 am and they were both still down stairs so I went down and there he was, passed out in his swing still swinging haha. I decided to take him up with me so I could feed him and let Jesse get some uninterrupted rest (honestly he deserves it!). I decided to let Levi sleep next to me in the bed since I knew it would be just us two and no animals would be coming close to him. He slept until 7:30am! I actually feel quite rested since I got that 3 hours earlier in the night and another 3 hours after. He’s currently sleeping next to me and I should probably get a little more sleep to take advantage of it but I’m writing this instead.

As far as my health and sanity goes, I’m doing quite well. There are times during the day I get emotional and tear up or cry over things (not in a depressed, sad way). I’m still quite sore down there but I’m hoping within this week it’ll eventually go away. We’ve already gone on two walks around our neighborhood and I went grocery shopping the other day too! As much as I’d like to sit around all day, I can’t. My back hurts, too. Mostly from bending over changing diapers I think. Yesterday morning I woke up and felt like I got hit by a truck! Not fun. My energy is 50/50. Half tired, half awake ready to do things. My diabetes is doing well! I’ve already had to adjust my insulin needs because the amount they wanted me to take when they sent me home was too much so I was having a lot of lows but I’d say I got it under control now. I’m not used to being able to let my numbers rise as high since I’ve pretty much been on a pregnancy diet for a year! It’s crazy to even think that. I don’t want to slip too far away from my old healthy eating habits because I want to get back to how I used to look so bad! My stomach is so squishy and I already can’t wait to work out!

This next topic is going to be about breastfeeding and my experience with it. So as you know, I wasn’t opposed to formula feeding if I had to because I know breastfeeding isn’t for every mom. At the hospital I breast fed but the day we went home was completely different. A few hours before we were discharged, I went to feed him but he was on for a while and when I took him off he became extremely fussy. The picture lady who came in to do newborn photos was annoying me because all Levi did was scream and cry and nothing could soothe him and I just wanted her to leave the room. I forgot how he calmed down but eventually he did so we were able to leave and have a quiet car ride home. Once home, it was time to feed again so I latched him on and he fed for about 90 minutes but I could tell he would suck and then fall asleep but then wake up crying if I moved him and would still act hungry. I was so confused and so tired and both of my nipples hurt extremely bad. Just his hand touching my nipple made me want to cry. I didn’t know what to do because I knew he was hungry but I physically just couldn’t take the pain any longer. I went over to the breast pump and tried to figure that out and I couldn’t (because I was very frustrated) and I was literally having a mental breakdown and was crying and everything seemed so hectic to me. I tried calling a friend for advice, talking to my mom, and nothing was working. I knew he didn’t just have my nipple in his mouth because I knew that pinching pain and knew what it looked like from being in the hospital. And all the nurses would say I had a good latch. So what was going on?? I still have no clue. Jesse had been holding Levi while I was running around crying and trying to figure out what I was going to do and then he suggested to get some formula and just feed him that. At first I told him no because I didn’t want to be a failure already, but I knew my son was hungry and needed to eat and I couldn’t provide him what he needed. So I caved. We fed him formula and he was so content afterwards, he just passed out from being milk drunk. I felt like a failure, though. I was so sad because all you hear from everyone is how important breast feeding is and nobody tells you (nobody from the hospital) that it’s OK if you aren’t able to do it. Friends and family will tell you, but not health care professionals. So it makes you feel like a terrible mother if you don’t/can’t do it. After that night, we simply kept up with the formula. I tried to breast feed the morning after but once he latched on I wanted to cry because my nipples were so sore. It hurt too much and I couldn’t bare the pain. I became comfortable with the formula feeding and actually really enjoy it. I love that I’m not tied down to a breast pump and that anyone can feed him whenever. However, at our 48 hour appointment, the lactation nurse was adamant about breast feeding. Levi was passed out at the appointment but she wanted to see him breast feed, which was fine with me because I wanted her to see what happens. He didn’t eat because he was sleeping but he would suck for a bit. We did one breast and then moved to the other, and once we finished, I took him off my breast and blood was all over his face and I had a blood clot hanging out of my nipple. I never even thought that could happen. She told me to rest that nipple and try pumping the other one. Well I tried it last night and the nipple that had the blood clot produced no milk while pumping and the other breast only pumped out a little bit. When I try hand expressing, some milk comes out but not a lot. As much as I’d love to be some type of breast milk queen, I’m not. And I’m finally okay with it. I mean, I still feel a little bit like a failure but I try not to dwell on it. What hurt the most about the visit with the nurse was that she told me breast feeding would decrease Levi’s chance of being a diabetic. Talk about a knife through my heart. So me formula feeding will increase his chances of getting a disease? But what am I supposed to do if breast feeding isn’t working for me? I have no choice. I’m producing some milk, but I don’t believe I’m producing enough. And I could formula feed to supplement what he’s not getting but I’m at the point of, why try? Why do that to myself when I can just put this breast feeding thing behind me and focus on making my son happy because I’m happy. Fed is best and I wish more medical personnel would say that so women don’t beat themselves up over breast feeding and formula feeding their babies.

I know this post was a long one, but it’s been a hell of a week!

(Pondering about formula fed babies vs breast fed babies)