31 weeks and 3 days.

GUYS! My baby shower is on Sunday. I’m starting to be more excited than stressed out, which was the opposite a few days ago. I’ll be wearing a maxi dress and I’ll be rocking my pale a$$ skin lol. I almost went out and bought a (safe) tanning lotion but then I thought, naahh…I’ll just stick to being super white *shrugs*.

Although I have a few days left of this week, I thought I’d just go over what I’ve been experiencing so far, which isn’t much different honestly. It’s all the same. Emotional, congested, and headaches. I forgot to mention that my face acne has improved a lot within the past couple of weeks. I haven’t experienced any pelvic pain or any swelling in my feet or ankles. Sleeping isn’t that uncomfortable. I just sleep on my sides and roll over when one side starts to hurt my hips. Getting up and rolling over can be a small challenge, though. If I move too fast then it feels like I have some sort of muscle spasm in my belly.

In other news, I feel myself getting really annoyed when people tell me, “just wait until this or that happens to you!” or “that’ll be you soon!”. Like, duh, I know. I mean, I don’t know from personal experience yet but I KNOW, ya know? I’ve also been getting annoyed when people comment on my growing belly. I know it’s supposed to grow and get bigger but I don’t really like when people tell me how big I’m getting as if It’s just so astonishing. It makes me self conscious for some reason. The same thing happens if people (mostly my parents-sorry mom and dad!) put their hand on my stomach without asking or if they put it on there for a long period of time. I’M JUST SO WEIRD I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M LIKE THIS. Don’t judge me. I mean, I don’t mind if people touch my belly but I guess I gotta be in the mood for someone to touch me, otherwise it feels like I’m being violated. Don’t ask. I’m weird, remember?

I also wanted to touch on the topic of being scared as S H I T to raise a child. I’m not scared about the birthing process, I’m scared of failing as a parent. I’m not one of those women who’s been reading a bunch of parenting or baby books to prepare myself for what’s to come. Maybe I should be, but in the end it all just comes down to what’s natural. My hairdresser said to me last week that those books are just for advice, and she’s right. If I have any type of problems I have my family and my doctors to help and guide me. I haven’t taken any classes provided by my hospital. The only one that sounded appealing was the birthing class so I could learn how to stay calm during the process. I still have some time to go to it so after all this baby shower craziness so I might do it. Anyways, at times I feel guilty for feeling more scared than I am excited. I’m so blessed to even get to experience this as there are a lot of women who can’t and I feel so guilty for questioning if I’ve made the right decision. I remember last year just crying to Jesse because I wanted to be able to get pregnant right then and there but I wasn’t able to (just yet) because of my diabetes. I wanted to be “normal” and not have to worry about diabetes management. I look at how our life is now and I wonder if this was the right timing. I have a good job but it’s not a career and honestly, I have no idea what my future looks like in terms of working. As in, where I’ll end up because I definitely want to keep working but I just don’t know what I’ll be doing. I wish I was like other people who had everything figured out and who had a plan and a career choice, but I don’t. I got my associates degree but school ended up not being for me anymore, and I don’t plan on going back either. Luckily I don’t have to worry about Jesse because he’s so smart and has a career and is doing well for himself. I expressed my worries to him and he assured me that we’re going to be OK and that I will be OK. Maybe with all this time off I’ve had a little too much time thinking about things that I shouldn’t be worrying about, but I do. I worry a lot. I want my son, don’t get me wrong. I want to squeeze him and love on him and I really can’t wait for his arrival. But I’m scared, and I have doubts about things, and I feel guilty for feeling this way and it makes me sad. I think once he’s here I’ll finally be able to just breathe and I hope all my worries just go away. Sorry if this post was a bit more emotional than normal, I just have a lot of stuff on my mind lately. No belly picture on this weeks post but I feel like I look the same! If I end up taking one I’ll add it to this post 🙂

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