This wasn’t the type of update that I wanted to do this week. One of my best friends passed away last night. My Nana. I haven’t really been able to wrap my head around it. I’ve been a complete mess all day. I didn’t want to leave my bed this morning. I woke up in the middle of the night just thinking of her and everything that happened. I didn’t expect my year to end like this. I never would have thought this would have happened right now. She’s had a lot of trips to the hospital over the past few years and I guess I kind of got used to them. Of course it always made me worry, but I ended up just assuming she’d be in and then she’d be out. She was in there last week and we were hoping she’d get to go home for Christmas. She didn’t. I visited her on Christmas Eve and I’m so glad I did. You see, her mind was all there. It was her body that was failing her. Not that it would be easier if her mind wasn’t there, but to me it kind of would be because then I’d expect what happened. Last night was probably one of the worst nights of my life. I can’t stop replaying everything in my head like a broken record. All day today I keep crying. My heart aches. I feel empty inside. I keep playing her voice in my head because I never want to forget it. I need her in my life still. I wasn’t ready for her to go yet, especially with little one on the way. When I visited her on Christmas Eve, she gave me gifts for him. Some clothes and a blanket. I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of that blanket. I had made a list a few weeks ago of people I’d invite to my baby shower. Her name on it. I was so excited for him to meet her when he came. I’m the youngest of her grandchildren. She has plenty of great grandchildren. But I’m the youngest and I just feel like I miss out on everything. As in having certain people be in my life for certain events. I didn’t get to have my grandpa’s around for my graduations or anything like that. They passed when I was younger.
I don’t know a life without my Nana. She was the best woman to grace this earth honestly. So selfless. I felt like we connected so much. The way she always wanted a nice clean house as much as I do. Just looking at a cluttered counter can make us feel disorganized. She loved to cook and so do I. I could always talk recipes with her or share with her what I made/ate and I knew she’d be genuinely interested. She loved to look her best when going out of the house. Matching her shoes with her outfit. I used to go with her and my mom to her hair appointments and I always liked dressing extra nice for her because I knew she’d appreciate it. She’d buy clothes for herself but if it didn’t fit she’d want to give it to me. Sometimes I feel like she’d use that as an excuse to give me clothes that she actually bought for me. I loved telling her how pretty she was when I saw her. I wanted to make her feel good because she would be so hard on herself if her hair wasn’t perfect. There was a summer where I took care of her once a week because she had just gotten out of a long hospital stay and had to relearn how to walk. I’m so glad I got to spend that time with her. I’d go and get us lunch and I’d do my homework while I hung out with her. I’d get there in the mornings and she’d be watching Let’s Make A Deal or Family Feud or Judge Judy. I can’t see my future without her. My aunt lived with her but I have their house phone saved under Nani with her photo. What if my aunt calls me from the house phone and Nani pops up? I don’t want to change the contact to another name. I feel like I can’t bring myself to do it. I thought the world of her. I still do. She never judged me and she was always there when I needed her. I only hope I can make her proud. I hope she’s looking down on me and protecting me. This morning all I could ask for was strength. I just want to be strong like her. She was one tough cookie. She went through a lot these past few years. I just…..can’t believe what happened. And her birthday is on Sunday (the 31st). I want to celebrate her somehow. I need to. I just want to hug her right now.
My poor sweet Nani. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I’m so sorry you had to spend Christmas in the hospital and not at home. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. The nurse said you’d have the best seat in the house to watch over my little guy. It’s comforting to know you won’t miss a thing now. His first smile, laugh, word, step. I hope you’re there for it all. I hope your sitting right next to us on the floor while we play with him. I wanted you to meet him so bad. I never thought this would happen at this time. I’ve been hoping it was all just a bad dream. I’m selfish for wanting to keep you here with me, I know. I’m hoping Papa Neil and Papa Tom met my baby before he was sent to me. I’m glad you get to reunite with them. I know you missed them. Give April and Dewey a kiss for me. I love you. Forever.
I can’t bring myself to talk about anything else right now. I just want her back.