One of those days.

I hate to even admit that I’m scared to gain weight after becoming pregnant. I feel like most of my life I’ve always worried about my weight since I’ve never been “skinny” (what is “skinny” anyways?) and have always been somewhat self conscious. It wasn’t until I got a little older (maybe a couple years ago) that I just accepted what I looked like and stopped worrying all the time. I became a lot happier with myself. Buuttttt I am getting scared! It also sucks that I’m pregnant when other people I know are pregnant so I feel like people are going to compare them to me or It’s all in my head and I’m going to compare myself to them. I already see myself doing it. And when I mean it sucks, I don’t mean I’m not happy for the beautiful women I know that are pregnant, I’m just saying that it sucks being the way that I am during this time. Am I making any sense? I’m really not trying to sound mean or anything because I couldn’t care less about what others look like during pregnancy because I know every body is different and some women don’t get that big and some do and it’s totally fine! It just makes me not want to show my growing belly off, I guess. And believe me, it’s growing lol.

Also another annoyance going on in my brain is the thought that nobody likes me. I swear I AM going crazy, lol. If I’m alone for too long I just come up with all of these reasons why nobody likes me. It’s insane. And I only snap out of it when I can make people laugh or when someone shows any interest in talking to me. I’m a total hermit by the way. Like, please don’t call me. I prefer texting. Want to hang out? I’ll probably come up with a reason why I can’t or I’ll hope you forget about me. It takes a lot to get me to hang out with someone. If you’re able to do it then you’re special! It’s not that I don’t want to hangout with people, I just get..whats the word? Anxious? I don’t know, I just would rather not. The only person I’m able to hang out with all the time is my boyfriend because he’s hilarious and even when I don’t want to hangout with him, I still like him being around me for company. We can literally not speak and just do our own things around the house and I’ll be happy. I have the day off today and he’s been gone all day working and I’m so bored! I miss him. I’m such a sap, I know.

For some reason writing this personal stuff feels good to me. I actually don’t care if people know these things about me because if you are my friend, then you probably know the hermit thing already lol. The rest is just extra weirdness! 😛

Anyways, I’m actually cooking tonight. I cooked last night too. Am I turning back into my old self?? I hope so!

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