Can you believe it? We made it!

Miss Ella is a whole ass year old. This past year has been a trip. It’s been so tough, but rewarding. At times I wasn’t sure how I’d make it through because it was so hard for me. But I reflect and I wouldn’t change it. It’s taught me a lot. Sometimes I don’t think I’m a good enough mom because I lose my patience quicker and I get overwhelmed easier. How does everyone else seem to have this mom thing down and I don’t?

While it may seem like I struggle, and I do, I’m so excited for what’s to become of my girl. She may be emotional and cry a lot but she’s also hilarious, determined, and beautiful!! She reminds me a lot of myself in terms of her emotions so I always try to remind myself to be kinder to her and be more empathetic. I never want her to feel like her feelings don’t matter. I know what that’s like and it really sucks.

Back to sister…she’s got 8 teeth and is currently teething. She isn’t walking yet but she stands on her own and is super mobile. She’s a scooter, not a crawler. She loves the roku remote. She loves her brother Levi. She loves her fruit! But she will try anything. She loves getting into everything. My favorite is when she stands on her tip toes to look on a counter or something to see what she can grab. She Gets frustrated when Levi takes her toys away from her and she tries to bite him (lol). She’s beginning to dance when her fav songs come on. She can say bye-bye and wave. When I ask her what a dog or tiger say, she makes their noises. She’s so smart and a fast learner. She loooves being outside and gets upset if we go back indoors when she’s not ready to. She’s also a huge people watcher and loves observing her surroundings. She doesn’t like people though lol. Unfortunately she will only let my parents or us hold her! She has major stranger danger so it makes me feel bad with family members not being able to connect with her like they did with Levi. I have a feeling she’ll by a shy girl and that’s okay, I was too.

I really look forward to seeing her little personality blossom. And playing with her at the park (she likes the swing already). I can’t wait for her and Levi’s relationship to grow. My goal is to have a close family. I want my babies to love being with their family. We plan on doing a lot of fun things this summer and hopefully we will!

I know it’s been a while. I always think there isn’t much to update but she’s always changing and growing. She scoots around like crazy, she loves standing up and trying to walk. She’s pulled herself up twice now holding onto the couch. She can sit back on her bum from a tummy laying position. She babbles non stop and is a true monster child (all jokes since she makes monster noises). She looves playing with Levi and his toys. She hates when things get taken away from her. She likes wearing buckets on her head, wearing sun glasses, and headphones. When she does walk, it’s on her tip toes. She still wakes 2x a night and takes two naps a day. She’s a pretty good eater but if she doesn’t want something it goes straight to the floor. She is a pro at drinking out of straws! She isn’t a fan of car rides or being stuck in general, she likes being free and on the go. She is the best observer ever and that’s the only way she’ll sit and be content (people watching professional!). She loves the radio flyer and going for walks. She loves putting everything into her mouth so we’re trying to teach her not to do that and she’s getting better and picking things up and then handing it over to us!

I could probably go on and on and on but that’s all I have for now. Things have gotten easier as she’s gotten older for sure. I felt like I had been struggling keeping up with her for a while. It’s still overwhelming at times but I’m getting better at it. We’ve had to baby proof a few drawers already and once she starts walking I know we’re in trouble lol. This girl is in everything! She is such a force. I’m scared but also excited to watch her grow up.

My mental health is always up and down but right now it’s up. I have so much love for my little family and we fit together so perfectly. I struggle with my body image a lot, especially lately. It’s always hard when the weather starts to warm up and I just genuinely hate getting dressed. So im going to work on myself. Loving myself and my new body but also slowly making changes if I can. I’ve been reading more and I think that also helps me stay off of my phone. Social media really fucks with my head and I compare myself to others a lot. Im trying to have more positive thoughts about myself but that’s always been a struggle lol.

Anyway, Levi has been doing great. He’ll start kinder this year and he’s playing baseball again this year! I want to put him in swim lessons this summer and I’m excited for that. He’s obsessed with Ella and loves her so much and it melts my freakin heart. He’s sooo smart and hilarious too. Right now he loves counting! Still obsessed with his hot wheels too. I can’t believe he’ll be five soon?!? Where the heck did the time go!

I can’t believe Ella will be 1 in a month either. Planning birthday parties is stressful AF btw. It is not something I like doing but I will do it for my babies! Can’t wait to update ya in a month!

Ah! I don’t know how I missed 7 months. Honestly, it’s probably because we’re just so busy. I know I’m late writing this one too…

Anyways, Ella is getting even more teefers! We thought it was just the top front two until today I saw a third one! she has been quite fussy so this explains a lot. She’s just in pain! She scoots around instead of crawling. When on her belly she just pushes herself backwards and doesn’t quite get how to move forward lol. She’s rather sit and scoot anyways. She loves her solid food and prefers that over purées. I feel like I’m not the best at giving them to her because I always forget but I’m working at it. She does the cuuuutest cheesy smile that is so hilarious. We are teaching her how to wave and she’s done it a few times already! I love her babbling. She’s also obsessed with me and loves being held by me. She still doesn’t like strangers or even people who aren’t her parents lol. Thanksgiving is in a few days and I think that will be overwhelming to her. Lots of new faces. She’s still pretty fussy compared to Levi as a baby (I know, I shouldn’t compare!). But that’s just how she is! She for sure let’s you know when she’s over something. She’s a pretty good sleeper at night and has only been waking up like 1-2 times. A much better sleeper than Levi was! She does great in her crib too.

Levi is handling being a big bro just fine. He loves it! Fall hall has ended and we’re just chillin over here. Continuously getting sick. He’s still in preschool and I’m not looking forward to him starting kindergarten!! How the heck am I gonna be a mom to a five year old?! When did this happen?? Sheesh! He’s so funny and smart. And calm and sweet. We let him play video games on the weekends only and he loves Wobby Life. I’m so obsessed with my kids and I’m so proud of Levi and the little human he is becoming. Such a freaking blessing!! If only he’d sleep in his own bed by now lol!

My mental health is doing a lot better. Even though work is draining, my home life is prospering. I just love being with my family and going on our little outings on the weekends. I’ve always wanted a close knit family of my own and I just pray we always stay close and that’s why I strive to be the best mom I can be!! Oh yeah, and I found out my brother and his girlfriend are having a baby! I am so excited for them and I’m so excited to be an aunt to a little girl! I hope her and ella will be close since they’ll only be a year apart. How cool is that? Like a sister she never had lol. I don’t know what the future will look like but I hope it’s full of love and happiness…

So, we’ve made it six months! Ella is more beautiful than I could’ve ever imagined! She’s chatty, knows what she wants, and is always smiling (for the most part anyways). I loooove waking up and getting her out of the crib and seeing her big smile!! It’s my favorite. She’s definitely more fussy than Levi ever was, but that’s okay!! I don’t say it to make her sound any less than. Every baby is different!

We’ve started solids and so far she isn’t a fan of peas, zucchini, or carrots. She likes applesauce and sweet potatoes! I’m going to try BLW and see how that goes. Well, most likely I’ll just to a mixture of that and purée because I think that’s just what I’m more comfortable with.

She still has her two teeth, she rolls over from her back to her stomach but hasn’t figured out how to roll stomach to back. She sits up pretty well, but will fall over on occasion lol. She still looooves the outdoors. I have no idea what this means for her in the future but it really calms her down and soothes her. She thinks Levi is HILARIOUS and he makes her laugh all the time. She’s definitely more attached to me (🥰) and sometimes when she’s upset she will look for me in the room and make eye contact and cry, even when Jesse is holding her lol. She wakes up 2-3 times a night still. We probably won’t sleep train her. I don’t even know how I’d do that since I’m able to put her down in her crib for bed and she’s fine. When she wakes up, she’s genuinely hungry and that girl has a set of lungs like no other. No way I’m gonna make her scream and cry! Nope lol. So we will just keep on keeping on.

My PPD is a lot better, I’m only sad sometimes instead of all the time. I still have lots of anxiety of course. I’m mostly sad about myself and how I view myself physically. And that only creeps up sometimes. I get anxious about a lot of things though and I don’t even know how I’d explain that lol. Overall I’ve been in a semi-good place lately and I really love it.

My best friends wedding went well btw! I did it. I was so nervous and a lot led up to it that I wasn’t so sure of but everything worked out. She was absolutely beautiful and I cried so many times!! It was such a special wedding. I was kind of envious of her and her family. There was so much love there and it was so wholesome!

Okay it’s late and I’m exhausted! So this small update will have to do. Also, Levi is doing great. He started fall ball and is killing it. And he loves preschool! Can’t freaking believe he’ll be in kinder next year!!!

My Ella girl is 5 months old!! GUYS she already has 2 teeth! She got them a couple of weeks ago. I can’t believe it. I started to cry when I saw them because it just means she’s growing up so fast. Ugh, we love her so freakin much.

Besides the teeth, she’s rolling onto her belly all the time now. Needs to learn to roll onto her back lol. She talks A LOT. It sounds more like screaming but it’s sooo funny. She is not a fan of being in her car seat. She loooves being carried around in the baby carrier. I love her smiles every morning, she’s always so happy. Her favorite person is probably Levi. He makes her smile and laugh sooo much. I’m so excited for their relationship in the future. I hope they’re besties for life. She’s already wearing 6 month clothes and has just grown so much. She definitely loves being outside still and observing everyone. We went to dinner last night and she did amazing, just sat on our laps and watched everyone! Didn’t make a peep lol.

Levi is doing well too. He starts fall ball this week and jesse is the head coach! Then pre k starts first week of September! It’s insane to think he starts kindergarten next year. I can’t believe how fast he’s growing and my little boy is getting so big. How do we stop time?? I want to go back in time already and squeeze my baby Levi. He’s the best big brother ever. He’s soo smart and hilarious. I’m so freaking proud to be his mom!!

Well, I’m going to leave this post on a positive note! I didn’t go to work today, I needed a much needed mental health rest day. Ella is with my mom so that I can relax. I’m hoping I can get in a nap today!

Have you ever been so overwhelmed you wanted to scream? For hours? Okay, this doesn’t have much to do that miss Ella is 4 months old. More to do with the fact that I’m a working mom of two with a social life (sort of) and a wedding to attend in September, that I’m a maid of honor in.

First, Ella is wonderful. She has a different personality than Levi of course. She’s fussier and that’s been a big adjustment. It’s harder to want to go places and harder to do things around the house as she likes attention 24/7. But it’s fine. She’s a joy to be around. She’s so silly and has been talking a bunch. Always has her hands in her mouth 24/7. Sleeps way better than Levi ever did at night (during the day can be a challenge sometimes). She enjoys the outdoors and it really calms her down when she’s fussy. She’s starting to roll over more often and loves to sit up. She isn’t a difficult baby at all. Just being a mama of two is hard work.

This wedding I’m attending in a month is for my best friend. I’m so happy for her. However, I’m so anxious. i don’t like wearing dresses. I don’t want to be front and center. I don’t want to give a speech. I’m just severely insecure and only being 4 months PP is really hard. I feel like nobody understands me. I have a lot of pressure on me to be this other person but I just can’t. I tried going out with the kids this morning by myself and it was really hard. My neighbor makes it look like a piece of cake. It isn’t for me. Her body will snap back in no time. Mine won’t, ever. I’m supposed to be this supportive best friend for my friend and her wedding but I feel like all I keep doing is disappointing her. I didn’t go to the Bach because of anxiety. I hate the way I look in my dress. I wish I could just disappear. And I have no one to express myself to. Well, I do have a good friend I’ve talked to but I don’t want to keep dumping all my anxiety onto her when I know she’s struggling with her own depression right now.

I’m sorry this post is such a downer. I was happy when I woke up, but now I’m in a mood. I missed my friends sons birthday because I got the dates mixed up. I could’ve still gone but I wasn’t feeling good, and to be honest I just feeling like laying in bed and crying.

My girl is 3 months old now. And Levi is 4 (which he loves). It’s been a wild ride the last 3 months. I haven’t written on here because I just always forget but I like to document when I can. I wrote so consistent with Levi while he grew up but it’s so much harder with two kids!

For her first month it was definitely overwhelming and what not due to her reflux. Then last month she caught a cold and we ended up taking her to the hospital because she was retracting while breathing and it just really worried me. They ran tests and she had a virus and basically it was just a wait it out game. It took about a week and a half for the cough and congestion to go away but it was really scary in the beginning because she seemed to struggle to breathe and she’s just so little!! We were all sick with that nasty virus. I don’t think Levi’s been that sick with a cold before.

Now that masks have been lifted, it seems like everyone is catching these weird colds and flus. Definitely not fun at all. And I most certainly always end up getting sick with whatever Levi has! Darn my shitty immune system.

Anyways, more about girly pop. She is holding her head up, talking to us, and I swore she laughed at Levi yesterday while he was making her smile and being silly. She also seems like she wants to roll over so badly!! I have a feeling she’ll be doing that within a couple of weeks. She sleeps pretty good at night, only waking up twice. Her first stretch of sleep is usually from 8/8:30-2/2:30! Then she’ll wake up around 4:30/5. So me and jesse split shifts. Levi is still obsessed with her and I’m so excited to see what she’ll be like as she gets older although I want to cherish this time when she is little.

I’ve definitely experienced much more anxiety than I ever have before. And I think that’s why I want her to grow up so fast. But then I get sad that I want that. I’ll never get to experience her being this little ever again and I know I will regret not enjoying it. I just worry a lot. And I’m always worrying about bad things happening and for some reason I equate her being older with things being easier. But I know that isn’t the case. I have no idea what she’ll be like as a toddler or kid. Levi was extremely chill and hardly cried. Sometimes Ella will burst out crying out of nowhere. Today she cried while at a friends house and I think she was just overstimulated there. I was told she would be a sensitive girl based on her sun, moon, and rising astrology signs. Yes, I believe in that lol. I have to remind myself to be more sensitive towards her as she gets older. I feel like I’m good at that anyways. I try to be with Levi too.

Along with PPA and PPD, I also am going through a difficult time with accepting my new body. I don’t fit into any of my old clothes and it’s really sad for me. I went up a size in jeans (almost two) and I’m trying to workout consistently during the week but it’s definitely hard. I’m worrying about fitting into my dress for my best friends wedding. I wanted to lose weight for it, not gain. I’m hoping once I go back to work that I’ll end up losing more weight because I’ll be more active but who knows. I hate my body a lot and in turn it just makes me a really sad and jealous person. I hate that so much and it just makes me hate myself. Ugh…sorry this took a bad turn on a supposed happy post! But it’s a real and honest update!

Well, Ella is currently asleep. And so is Levi. I can’t imagine adding another human to our family but maybe we’ll come back to the topic in a few years. Having another baby sounds really overwhelming right now lol.

It’s only been five weeks, but it feels like much longer than that. It’s been hard to rest and relax when I’ve been unable to move my body for the past several months. I’m only in pain if I stand too long, then my back starts to ache. My pelvic area is still a little sensitive but I’m sure once I start stretching it’ll feel better.

Mentally, I’m doing better than the first couple of weeks after Ella was born. Definitely had baby blues. I’d say those have gone away now and I’m mostly struggling with anxiety. It’s really hard to deal with it because I feel like people who don’t have it, can’t seem to understand it. I mean, everyone gets anxious sometimes. But this is almost debilitating when it affects what I do daily. Too scared to make the wrong decisions.

As far as my diabetes goes, it’s not the best. I haven’t been controlling it very well. I spend a lot of time high after a meal but I tell myself I’ll adjust things soon. I’ve gotten lazy with pre-bolusing before meals and giving myself the right dosage. I was so used to eating a certain amount while pregnant that I have to remind myself it’s okay to bolus for more now since I’m definitely eating bigger portions. I used to get so full so fast when I was pregnant and it’s weird not dealing with that anymore. But I can’t let myself go this time like my first pregnancy. I’m excited to work out again. And I also need to start taking care of myself again.

Life with this new routine is tough at times. Before you have kids, you can focus all your time on yourself. Then you have one kid and once they’re older you can sort of have that time for yourself again (at certain times of the day). Then add a newborn and you’re basically back to square one with having zero time for yourself. Some days I skip breakfast or I’m too busy to eat lunch so I’ll snack on something. And before bed is when I’ll snack overload. I just don’t want to forget about the intuitive eating journey I had been on previously. I’m scared I’ll essentially have to start over again or that I’m just losing myself. I have to put myself first…somehow.

Ella is doing well. She’s awake at certain times of the day and she coos and I absolutely love when she does it. It’s so cute!! She smiles A LOT in her sleep. I know she’s sleeping and it isn’t a social smile but man, I just have this sense that she’s going to be an emotional girl and we are always going to know when she’s happy, sad, mad…and I’m here for it. Levi was always so chill and easy and I’m sure I’ll struggle with big emotions at times but I really want her to feel safe and comfortable with expressing herself to us. I worry a lot that I’ll be a bad mom to her or shut her out because I won’t know what to do. And who knows, maybe she won’t be anything like that at all and I’m overthinking it. Regardless, I just want to work on myself and make sure I can be the best for her and Levi.

My GIRL is finally here. (Well, since almost 3 weeks ago)

Born March 11,2022 at 11:16pm! Weighing 8lbs 7oz and 20in long 🥰

I’ll start this blog post off with my labor and delivery story. It began on the 10th. I went into the doctors office to get a foley balloon around 11am. There, they told me I was 2.5cm dilated already. I went back home and did absolutely nothing until around 6pm-ish when it was time to give L&D a call in when to come to the hospital. Also, side note, the foley balloon did give me some discomfort at some point and just made me have some cramping. Anyways, I went to the hospital around 7pm. Once there, I was able to pull the foley balloon out. So it was determined I was already 3cm dilated. Then they gave me a pill to also help with induction. As time went on they decided to start good ol Pitocin. But before they did that, I decided to get an epidural so that I’d be covered and wouldn’t have to feel the contractions.

The epidural was the most anxiety inducing thing ever. For my first delivery, I didn’t feel it because I was having contractions but I could definitely feel it this time and I hated it. 0/10 would recommend lol. But also, I definitely do recommend for the benefit of not feeling contractions. I just really didn’t like that experience.

I hit a mental block on the 11th when I wasn’t dilating more than 4cm after being checked a couple of times. I started to get frustrated with my body. And they didn’t want to break my waters until I was at 6. I wasn’t sure if I was going to have a c-section or not. They never brought it up but it worried me anyways. At one point they decided to try and break my waters but the bag of water kept moving away from them so they couldn’t do it.

At around 9pm, they eventually were able to break my water and not long after I was feeling a lot of pain under my belly button with every contraction. They had someone come in and give me more of the epidural but it wasn’t helping. Closer to 11pm is when they finally checked me again and I was at 10cm. The pain I was feeling was probably just pressure to push! I pushed quite quickly and once she was born! When she was laying on me being cleaned off, I asked jesse what she was (because nobody told me if it was a boy or a girl) and this man said BOY! The nurse said “uh dad, you might want to look again” and low and behold, it was a girl!!!

Not long after all of that, when I went to feed her for the first time, I started getting nauseated. I eventually threw up. And then again. And again. I began getting so dizzy and nauseated and was extremely sick. I threw up 6 times. And poor Jesse had to hold Ella while she cried and cried. I couldn’t feed her. I couldn’t move. I was stuck in a bloody pool of a bed. They gave me two anti nausea meds and neither worked. Eventually they gave me a Benadryl which helped me sleep and made me feel better once I woke up. I was so weak. i completely missed out on the initial bonding time with my daughter. Writing this out and thinking about it brings me so much sadness. I know I have her now and don’t have to deal with it but it just wasn’t how I pictured it all to go.

Levi’s first reaction to meeting his new sister was priceless and I wish I got it on camera. He ran to our car and just wanted to kiss her and hug her. On the way home he was talking to her. It was the best feeling in the world. To have him love her. He still loves her. When we do tummy time, he just wants to be close to her and talk to her. This morning he asked to hug and kiss her. He’s taking it so well. He still gets so much attention and doesn’t seem put out. I think the only thing is that he doesn’t get what he wants in an instant anymore. That he has to be more patient because we also have to pay attention to Ella now too. He never complains though. God, I’m so lucky to have him as my son. Ella is lucky to have him as a big brother too.

So, wrapping this up…I’m not sure I’ll ever want to be pregnant again. The experiences were a little too much for me. And my heart is full. I still can’t believe we have a girl. I never thought I’d ever have a girl.

Also, I’m extremely sleep deprived. And my hormones are crazy. For some people the transition of 1 to 2 kids is easy. For me, it’s been a challenge. Im super anxious about everything. Super emotional. So freaking exhausted.

The time has come. We are going to have a baby in 7 days (or sooner if they come on their own!).

Induction date is planned for the 10th. I’m curious to see how this will go this time around. The plan is for me to have a foley balloon placed inside me first, then go home and wait until around 6pm to head over to do the rest of the induction! My doctor said it’s been working well for others. Whatever that means, lol.

So, they wanted me to start Zoloft at 37 weeks so that it would be in my system when baby gets here to help with possible PPD. I took it for the first time on Tuesday, in the afternoon. About an hour later I started to get dizzy, nauseous, lightheaded, and pretty faint. I started to panic so I had jesse drive me to the hospital. On the way there, I started feeling worse and I got really scared so I had him call an ambulance. They picked me up at in parking lot of a furniture store. I really thought I was going to die or at least pass out. I’m shocked I actually didn’t. I felt like I couldn’t move and had no control over my body and I couldn’t open my eyes because I was so dizzy.

Unfortunately, they brought me to L&D first before getting checked out at the ER. So they checked on baby and then sent us to the ER where we had to wait 2 HOURS before being seen. And from there I then laid on a bed in the middle of a hallway because they were packed with people and there were no rooms available. After all the blood work came back fine, it was assumed that it was the Zoloft that did it to me because I was fine otherwise. It was completely awful. Yesterday (weds) I still felt the effects and I laid in bed all day. I was nauseated, would get dizzy and lightheaded and barely had an appetite. I’m doing much better today although I’m still pretty fatigued. I’m excited to finally go to bed but I’m with Levi alone tonight because jesse went to the movies with some neighbors.

Besides all of that craziness, I’m doing ok. I’ve been loving my therapy sessions each week and I really enjoy talking to my therapist. I’m a little worried about postpartum but I’ll deal with it when I get there. My symptoms lately are lots of stretch marks, tons of itching, peeing 3-4x a night, occasional leg cramps, still getting full quickly, SPD, and fatigue. Haven’t had indigestion in a little bit, thankfully. I really look forward to having this baby and being active again. I crave a nice walk outside enjoying fresh air! The day I can will be the best day.

Levi has been thoroughly enjoying his baseball team and is sooo freaking cute out on the field! It makes me so proud. I love that he loves it. He has a little parade downtown this weekend that we’re going to, along with team photos. I’m sad we’ll miss his first game most likely, due to baby being born. If Baby is here and I’m doing well enough, I’m thinking I’ll just send jesse off to the game while I’m with baby. He’ll only be gone for an hour or so, so should be fine. i hope he loves being a big bro ❤️

My parents might get a puppy and I’m super excited for them! I don’t want me having a baby get in the way of them not getting it or something. My work got a bunch of pups and they’re sooo cute! Some sort of shepherd mixes. They just look like border collies to me, but fluffier. My mom is nervous to get one the same week I have a baby (potentially) and it does sound a little stressful but honestly I think we’ll be okay. We’ll see what happens I suppose.

Well, next time I’m writing on here I’ll probably have a baby and I’ll be sharing my labor and delivery story. Talk to ya in a few weeks!!