3 months postpartum.

My girl is 3 months old now. And Levi is 4 (which he loves). It’s been a wild ride the last 3 months. I haven’t written on here because I just always forget but I like to document when I can. I wrote so consistent with Levi while he grew up but it’s so much harder with two kids!

For her first month it was definitely overwhelming and what not due to her reflux. Then last month she caught a cold and we ended up taking her to the hospital because she was retracting while breathing and it just really worried me. They ran tests and she had a virus and basically it was just a wait it out game. It took about a week and a half for the cough and congestion to go away but it was really scary in the beginning because she seemed to struggle to breathe and she’s just so little!! We were all sick with that nasty virus. I don’t think Levi’s been that sick with a cold before.

Now that masks have been lifted, it seems like everyone is catching these weird colds and flus. Definitely not fun at all. And I most certainly always end up getting sick with whatever Levi has! Darn my shitty immune system.

Anyways, more about girly pop. She is holding her head up, talking to us, and I swore she laughed at Levi yesterday while he was making her smile and being silly. She also seems like she wants to roll over so badly!! I have a feeling she’ll be doing that within a couple of weeks. She sleeps pretty good at night, only waking up twice. Her first stretch of sleep is usually from 8/8:30-2/2:30! Then she’ll wake up around 4:30/5. So me and jesse split shifts. Levi is still obsessed with her and I’m so excited to see what she’ll be like as she gets older although I want to cherish this time when she is little.

I’ve definitely experienced much more anxiety than I ever have before. And I think that’s why I want her to grow up so fast. But then I get sad that I want that. I’ll never get to experience her being this little ever again and I know I will regret not enjoying it. I just worry a lot. And I’m always worrying about bad things happening and for some reason I equate her being older with things being easier. But I know that isn’t the case. I have no idea what she’ll be like as a toddler or kid. Levi was extremely chill and hardly cried. Sometimes Ella will burst out crying out of nowhere. Today she cried while at a friends house and I think she was just overstimulated there. I was told she would be a sensitive girl based on her sun, moon, and rising astrology signs. Yes, I believe in that lol. I have to remind myself to be more sensitive towards her as she gets older. I feel like I’m good at that anyways. I try to be with Levi too.

Along with PPA and PPD, I also am going through a difficult time with accepting my new body. I don’t fit into any of my old clothes and it’s really sad for me. I went up a size in jeans (almost two) and I’m trying to workout consistently during the week but it’s definitely hard. I’m worrying about fitting into my dress for my best friends wedding. I wanted to lose weight for it, not gain. I’m hoping once I go back to work that I’ll end up losing more weight because I’ll be more active but who knows. I hate my body a lot and in turn it just makes me a really sad and jealous person. I hate that so much and it just makes me hate myself. Ugh…sorry this took a bad turn on a supposed happy post! But it’s a real and honest update!

Well, Ella is currently asleep. And so is Levi. I can’t imagine adding another human to our family but maybe we’ll come back to the topic in a few years. Having another baby sounds really overwhelming right now lol.

5 weeks postpartum.

It’s only been five weeks, but it feels like much longer than that. It’s been hard to rest and relax when I’ve been unable to move my body for the past several months. I’m only in pain if I stand too long, then my back starts to ache. My pelvic area is still a little sensitive but I’m sure once I start stretching it’ll feel better.

Mentally, I’m doing better than the first couple of weeks after Ella was born. Definitely had baby blues. I’d say those have gone away now and I’m mostly struggling with anxiety. It’s really hard to deal with it because I feel like people who don’t have it, can’t seem to understand it. I mean, everyone gets anxious sometimes. But this is almost debilitating when it affects what I do daily. Too scared to make the wrong decisions.

As far as my diabetes goes, it’s not the best. I haven’t been controlling it very well. I spend a lot of time high after a meal but I tell myself I’ll adjust things soon. I’ve gotten lazy with pre-bolusing before meals and giving myself the right dosage. I was so used to eating a certain amount while pregnant that I have to remind myself it’s okay to bolus for more now since I’m definitely eating bigger portions. I used to get so full so fast when I was pregnant and it’s weird not dealing with that anymore. But I can’t let myself go this time like my first pregnancy. I’m excited to work out again. And I also need to start taking care of myself again.

Life with this new routine is tough at times. Before you have kids, you can focus all your time on yourself. Then you have one kid and once they’re older you can sort of have that time for yourself again (at certain times of the day). Then add a newborn and you’re basically back to square one with having zero time for yourself. Some days I skip breakfast or I’m too busy to eat lunch so I’ll snack on something. And before bed is when I’ll snack overload. I just don’t want to forget about the intuitive eating journey I had been on previously. I’m scared I’ll essentially have to start over again or that I’m just losing myself. I have to put myself first…somehow.

Ella is doing well. She’s awake at certain times of the day and she coos and I absolutely love when she does it. It’s so cute!! She smiles A LOT in her sleep. I know she’s sleeping and it isn’t a social smile but man, I just have this sense that she’s going to be an emotional girl and we are always going to know when she’s happy, sad, mad…and I’m here for it. Levi was always so chill and easy and I’m sure I’ll struggle with big emotions at times but I really want her to feel safe and comfortable with expressing herself to us. I worry a lot that I’ll be a bad mom to her or shut her out because I won’t know what to do. And who knows, maybe she won’t be anything like that at all and I’m overthinking it. Regardless, I just want to work on myself and make sure I can be the best for her and Levi.

She’s here.

My GIRL is finally here. (Well, since almost 3 weeks ago)

Born March 11,2022 at 11:16pm! Weighing 8lbs 7oz and 20in long 🥰

I’ll start this blog post off with my labor and delivery story. It began on the 10th. I went into the doctors office to get a foley balloon around 11am. There, they told me I was 2.5cm dilated already. I went back home and did absolutely nothing until around 6pm-ish when it was time to give L&D a call in when to come to the hospital. Also, side note, the foley balloon did give me some discomfort at some point and just made me have some cramping. Anyways, I went to the hospital around 7pm. Once there, I was able to pull the foley balloon out. So it was determined I was already 3cm dilated. Then they gave me a pill to also help with induction. As time went on they decided to start good ol Pitocin. But before they did that, I decided to get an epidural so that I’d be covered and wouldn’t have to feel the contractions.

The epidural was the most anxiety inducing thing ever. For my first delivery, I didn’t feel it because I was having contractions but I could definitely feel it this time and I hated it. 0/10 would recommend lol. But also, I definitely do recommend for the benefit of not feeling contractions. I just really didn’t like that experience.

I hit a mental block on the 11th when I wasn’t dilating more than 4cm after being checked a couple of times. I started to get frustrated with my body. And they didn’t want to break my waters until I was at 6. I wasn’t sure if I was going to have a c-section or not. They never brought it up but it worried me anyways. At one point they decided to try and break my waters but the bag of water kept moving away from them so they couldn’t do it.

At around 9pm, they eventually were able to break my water and not long after I was feeling a lot of pain under my belly button with every contraction. They had someone come in and give me more of the epidural but it wasn’t helping. Closer to 11pm is when they finally checked me again and I was at 10cm. The pain I was feeling was probably just pressure to push! I pushed quite quickly and once she was born! When she was laying on me being cleaned off, I asked jesse what she was (because nobody told me if it was a boy or a girl) and this man said BOY! The nurse said “uh dad, you might want to look again” and low and behold, it was a girl!!!

Not long after all of that, when I went to feed her for the first time, I started getting nauseated. I eventually threw up. And then again. And again. I began getting so dizzy and nauseated and was extremely sick. I threw up 6 times. And poor Jesse had to hold Ella while she cried and cried. I couldn’t feed her. I couldn’t move. I was stuck in a bloody pool of a bed. They gave me two anti nausea meds and neither worked. Eventually they gave me a Benadryl which helped me sleep and made me feel better once I woke up. I was so weak. i completely missed out on the initial bonding time with my daughter. Writing this out and thinking about it brings me so much sadness. I know I have her now and don’t have to deal with it but it just wasn’t how I pictured it all to go.

Levi’s first reaction to meeting his new sister was priceless and I wish I got it on camera. He ran to our car and just wanted to kiss her and hug her. On the way home he was talking to her. It was the best feeling in the world. To have him love her. He still loves her. When we do tummy time, he just wants to be close to her and talk to her. This morning he asked to hug and kiss her. He’s taking it so well. He still gets so much attention and doesn’t seem put out. I think the only thing is that he doesn’t get what he wants in an instant anymore. That he has to be more patient because we also have to pay attention to Ella now too. He never complains though. God, I’m so lucky to have him as my son. Ella is lucky to have him as a big brother too.

So, wrapping this up…I’m not sure I’ll ever want to be pregnant again. The experiences were a little too much for me. And my heart is full. I still can’t believe we have a girl. I never thought I’d ever have a girl.

Also, I’m extremely sleep deprived. And my hormones are crazy. For some people the transition of 1 to 2 kids is easy. For me, it’s been a challenge. Im super anxious about everything. Super emotional. So freaking exhausted.

38 weeks.

The time has come. We are going to have a baby in 7 days (or sooner if they come on their own!).

Induction date is planned for the 10th. I’m curious to see how this will go this time around. The plan is for me to have a foley balloon placed inside me first, then go home and wait until around 6pm to head over to do the rest of the induction! My doctor said it’s been working well for others. Whatever that means, lol.

So, they wanted me to start Zoloft at 37 weeks so that it would be in my system when baby gets here to help with possible PPD. I took it for the first time on Tuesday, in the afternoon. About an hour later I started to get dizzy, nauseous, lightheaded, and pretty faint. I started to panic so I had jesse drive me to the hospital. On the way there, I started feeling worse and I got really scared so I had him call an ambulance. They picked me up at in parking lot of a furniture store. I really thought I was going to die or at least pass out. I’m shocked I actually didn’t. I felt like I couldn’t move and had no control over my body and I couldn’t open my eyes because I was so dizzy.

Unfortunately, they brought me to L&D first before getting checked out at the ER. So they checked on baby and then sent us to the ER where we had to wait 2 HOURS before being seen. And from there I then laid on a bed in the middle of a hallway because they were packed with people and there were no rooms available. After all the blood work came back fine, it was assumed that it was the Zoloft that did it to me because I was fine otherwise. It was completely awful. Yesterday (weds) I still felt the effects and I laid in bed all day. I was nauseated, would get dizzy and lightheaded and barely had an appetite. I’m doing much better today although I’m still pretty fatigued. I’m excited to finally go to bed but I’m with Levi alone tonight because jesse went to the movies with some neighbors.

Besides all of that craziness, I’m doing ok. I’ve been loving my therapy sessions each week and I really enjoy talking to my therapist. I’m a little worried about postpartum but I’ll deal with it when I get there. My symptoms lately are lots of stretch marks, tons of itching, peeing 3-4x a night, occasional leg cramps, still getting full quickly, SPD, and fatigue. Haven’t had indigestion in a little bit, thankfully. I really look forward to having this baby and being active again. I crave a nice walk outside enjoying fresh air! The day I can will be the best day.

Levi has been thoroughly enjoying his baseball team and is sooo freaking cute out on the field! It makes me so proud. I love that he loves it. He has a little parade downtown this weekend that we’re going to, along with team photos. I’m sad we’ll miss his first game most likely, due to baby being born. If Baby is here and I’m doing well enough, I’m thinking I’ll just send jesse off to the game while I’m with baby. He’ll only be gone for an hour or so, so should be fine. i hope he loves being a big bro ❤️

My parents might get a puppy and I’m super excited for them! I don’t want me having a baby get in the way of them not getting it or something. My work got a bunch of pups and they’re sooo cute! Some sort of shepherd mixes. They just look like border collies to me, but fluffier. My mom is nervous to get one the same week I have a baby (potentially) and it does sound a little stressful but honestly I think we’ll be okay. We’ll see what happens I suppose.

Well, next time I’m writing on here I’ll probably have a baby and I’ll be sharing my labor and delivery story. Talk to ya in a few weeks!!

35 weeks.

Well, we’re almost to the finish line! Only a few more weeks left. I’m anxious, scared, excited, relieved. All the emotions.

Lately my symptoms have been restless leg syndrome at night, indigestion before bed, going pee a million times a day, still moody, terrible pelvic pain, constipation, headaches, and not much of an appetite or wanting to cook.

It’s all fun stuff over here guys. kidding. Totally kidding. I’m pretty miserable most of the time. Which really bums me out because I want to be happy and I don’t know how to find happiness.

I finally have a therapist who I really like and so far it’s been going well with her. I still have some highs and lots of lows. I’ll probably start Zoloft in a couple of weeks to help with postpartum. I’m really nervous for PPD and not connecting with my baby. Like, very scared about it. But at least I’ll have some support to help me through. i don’t really feel like I have a huge support system. I mean, I have friends who I can talk to but at home I feel completely isolated. And it really sucks.

I was having an Okay day until this evening. Sometimes communication in a relationship is tough, especially when one person doesn’t want to communicate. I’m left with all these thoughts in my head and they start to consume me and I start to get angry. but I don’t know how to fix it.

Anyways, diabetes wise I’m all burnt out. I’m ready to give up at this point but of course I won’t. My pump leaves a bunch of marks all over my stomach that itch like crazy. I’m somehow allergic to the adhesive. So I can’t wait until that goes away after having baby. Maybe I’ll go back on MDI for a bit to give my body a break from the pump because honestly it’s kind of annoying to deal with. Although convenient.

Anyways, there’s not much I have to say. I’m depressed a lot of the time. I just want to be happy but it seems hard to do most days. A lot of people bother me and I can’t help it. I don’t feel like I have the best support system at home (including family members). I’m agitated easily. Nobody really understands me or really tries to. I usually get insulted “oh you’re so crabby” “you’re so emotional” “god you’re so sensitive”

Those comments actually hurt my feelings. But why do they care

32 weeks.

Hiiiii!

Time is starting to fly by and I’m only panicking a little bit, lol. Let’s start out with symptoms I’m currently dealing with. Still emotional as ever and struggling with my mental health, still dealing with pelvic pain and I can’t even enjoy short simple walks without being in pain the rest of the day, getting full fast and not having the biggest appetite, itchy belly (also due to my insulin pump sites), some new stretch marks here and there, INDIGESTION!! Man oh man, never have I experienced this before and I had to look it up actually. I can’t eat until I’m full or have a bed time snack as I will feel so nauseated. It actually is happening as I type this out. It’s so gross and I hate the feeling. Another is getting leg cramps here and there, and of course getting to pee like 2-3x a night. I’m also dealing with some cystic acne but I think it’s mostly my fault and not the pregnancy itself.

Diabetes time! My blood sugars are actually doing quite well. I’m hoping I can continue on with this good streak until baby arrives because I have struggled a lot but I finally think I’m in a good space and I do the best that I can.

Because my ultrasounds at the doctors have been absolutely horrible, I decided to do a 4d ultrasound! It was such a cool experience and my baby is just the absolute cutest ever!! I can’t wait to meet them. We brought Levi with us so he was able to see the baby on the “tv screen” as he would say haha! I got the best photos and I’m just obsessed! It definitely makes things more real.

Now, this news sucks but Jesse tested positive for covid on Monday. I’ve felt pretty off since Sunday but I tested myself twice and it’s come back negative both times! I truly believe I have it but there’s not much I can do? He pretty much had all the symptoms on Monday but now he’s doing better and just has a cough and congestion. I’m really grateful I got my booster shot a week prior!! Could you imagine? I honestly couldn’t deal with being sick all over again. I mean, I definitely feel like I have something going on (head fog/fatigue/sore throat) but going through all the symptoms just doesn’t sound fun to me. So here’s hoping we both feel better by the weekend. Luckily Levi is doing just fine.

Speaking of, I feel like I need to talk about my son really quick. He is seriously the funniest and sweetest boy and damn I am one lucky mama. I couldn’t imagine having a more perfect kid. He tells me he loves me, cuddles me, gives me kisses, and makes me laugh like no other. He is so kind and he makes being a mom so freaking enjoyable. He’s learning so much and has started to draw people and cars and race tracks and I just love it so much. I get so sad because I don’t want him to grow up. I love how little he is and I love watching him learn new things and get more brave to try new stuff. Gah, I love my baby!! And I can’t wait for him to be a big brother because he’s going to be the absolute best I just know it!

29 weeks.

Happy New Year everyone!

I really hope this new year brings everyone what they’re hoping for. There will always be hard times but I hope you get moments of pure joy and happiness ❤️

I’ll try not to be too depressing in this post, lol.

Let’s start with blood sugars! They’ve actually be doing pretty good but also my Dexcom hasn’t been 100% accurate so it’s also lying to me telling me my blood sugars are good when they aren’t haha. Who knows. I’m trying to buckle down on this last trimester! I think I want an insulin pump break after this baby is born. I’m just really tired of having this thing attached to me! I want my belly to be free of devices for a while. I don’t mind giving myself injections all the time honestly. Don’t get me wrong, the pump is extremely convenient and that’s a massive plus but my insulin pump sites are irritating my skin and making me so itchy and I’m over it.

Baby time…okay I’m just really looking forward to this little babe to be born. I can’t wait to hold them and find out what they are! I love feeling them move around in there and kick the crap out of me. I feel like my belly is so big I’m not sure how I can go two more months and I’m curious to how big I’ll get.

Which…actually makes me nervous. I’m still having an extremely hard time with my preggo body and I’m insecure about 99% of the time. I find my appearance to be absolutely repulsive. I hate everything from my head to my toes. It really sucks. I can’t wait until I can workout and make myself feel better again.

This pregnancy has been so hard on my body. I’m in pain all the time. All day. From the moment I wake up until I go to bed. My pelvic area hurts so bad and during the week at work my back pain has been starting to act up as if I’m about to throw my back out with one wrong move. I have a dr appt coming up and I’m going to ask about maternity leave and what not. Apparently I can take 4 weeks off before my due date but I’m always in pain I’m going to see if I can get more. I love that I get a lot of steps in at work and I walk a lot and it’s good for me physically but sheesh, I can’t imagine doing this as I get bigger.

We’ll see what happens. Anyways, I still can’t believe I’m 29 weeks!!!!! Time has been flying by.

26 weeks.

So I turn 26 weeks today! I feel like this pregnancy has been going by so fast and I haven’t had a moment to really enjoy it. I’m constantly filled with anxiety, depression, and just being overwhelmed with life.

My bump is pretty large and in charge and I’m not entirely sure how it could even get any bigger. I watch workout vids on Instagram and it makes me so eager to work out. It’s so sad that I’m already thinking about losing this weight when I feel like I should be enjoying my growing belly (since it’s housing a human and all). I guess I just constantly worry about if I’ll even get back to how I was or just the strength I once had. I don’t want to be uncomfortable in my body anymore.

Speaking of, I’m constantly uncomfortable. My sciatica pain is an every day thing. My pelvic pain is also an every day thing. Some days are easier than others but unfortunately there’s not much to help with it. Yoga? Sure, that’ll work for a little bit. I find most comfort just laying down. Which in turn makes me feel guilty for being a potato and not doing fun activities with my son. It’s no wonder he usually prefers playing with my husband, he’s the fun parent.

Also having a toddler while pregnant and T1D means allll the sickness. I am sick now for the 3rd time this pregnancy and they kick my ass each time. Is this normal? Should I be concerned? I feel like I can’t catch a break and it’s so depressing to me. If it’s not my body that hurts, it’s me being sick in some form. Damn, I’m sorry if this post is depressing but that’s how I feel all the time. I just feel so isolated. I actually have a dr appt later on to fit me with a therapist because I had expressed these feelings with my doctor. I’m super anxious about it to be honest. Look, I can be a total chatterbox when I’m around certain people but I never share super personal information. Maybe I’ll share a little sprinkle of my personal life but I just don’t like talking about personal things.

Anyways, I keep feeling like I’m failing at something. If it isn’t my relationship, it’s being a mom or if it isn’t that it’s failing at being a diabetic carrying a child. Constantly feeling like I’m not giving my baby the perfect home to grow and develop. I worry every day I’m fucking it up somehow. Are their ears okay? Eyes? 10 toes? 10 fingers? Brain development doing well? I feel like if something happened to my baby it would all be my fault because I’m not perfect with my management. Constantly sitting at 70-75% in range. Im trying to do my best but it’s so damn hard.

I don’t know man, this pregnancy has me beat. Also don’t think I’m going to have a baby shower, which makes me really sad. And I wanted to do a photo shoot but I don’t feel confident enough to do one. Im so sad I’m not enjoying this pregnancy. I want to enjoy it so bad. But I also just want it to hurry up and be over so I can hold my baby in my arms. I can’t wait for that day.

23 weeks.

So it’s been a little while…and I’ll be 24 weeks this Thursday. I wanted to share updates from the last couple of weeks!

First, let’s talk diabetes. I can’t seem to get myself about the 70% range (of being “in range”). 70% isn’t terrible…but it isn’t amazing either. I struggle with my lunches and dinners still. Eating too much without realizing or maybe just choosing the wrong foods. Idk. I’m not sure why I just can’t stay super strict. I was soo strict when I was pregnant with Levi and for some reason I’m more relaxed this time around. I just feel so sad sometimes because I wonder if I’m hurting my baby. And if I am, well, then it’s all my fault you know? Why can’t I have more dedication? What’s wrong with me? Even when I try I feel like I’m failing. I don’t know what to do really. With the holidays coming up I feel extra challenged. I remember doing well at thanksgiving with my first pregnancy. I worry about this thanksgiving…

In other news, baby was fine during the 2nd trimester ultrasound. And I covered my eyes while they looked at the sex of the baby so yes, it’s still a mystery to me! I was so relieved to find everything looking well and on track. The baby has been moving lots lately and still kicking pretty low but sometimes I’ll get a punch or something up higher in my belly. I love putting Levi’s hand on my stomach so he can feel it too. I truly do not care whether it’s a boy or a girl and maybe that’s why I just don’t care about finding out until they arrive into the world. Im so excited for their arrival and sometimes I wish I could just hold them right now. Last night I had a dream it was a girl and she was absolutely beautiful. It made me sad when my alarm went off because I didn’t want to wake up from the dream.

In terms of symptoms I’ve been dealing with, it’s mostly physical. I still have sciatica and now I’m experiencing a lot of pelvic pain. Mostly pain in my vagina (sorry tmi) or inner thighs. It’s extremely unpleasant and hurts to walk. After speaking with my doctor and work, I just try to limit my bending over but after working for a few hours I still end up in pain. I wish I could just stay home and not have to go to work, to be honest. It just hurts! I’ve discovered that I can no longer wear my vans. I wore them to the grocery store and immediately started being in pain while I was shopping. When I wear my athletic shoes, I don’t feel that way. So now I’m on the hunt for cute athletic shoes that still provide the comfort I need. I also bought myself a belly support band and I wear that to work. I’ve noticed it definitely helps! Other than all of that, I’m pretty good. I still have days where I wake up and am just so insecure and find my reflection absolutely repulsive. That really sucks.

Levi’s doing well. He’s such a happy boy and I freakin love him so much! I think he’s going to love being a big brother. Im trying to cherish all this time I have with him, where it’s just us 3. We’re taking him to Disneyland in a couple weeks and I’m hoping he has fun and enjoys it!

19 weeks.

Hello all.

I got back from my honeymoon on Monday and it was quite difficult to go back to work Wednesday. So difficult that I almost cried on the way, lol. Real life just set in ya know? Responsibilities and chores and just all the things got me down. Lots of stress. The only thing that made me excited to be home was seeing my son! God, I was so excited to see him. He was so happy to come home. I just love him so freaking much. Sometimes I truly believe he has to be the most loved kid in the world because we constantly hug and kiss him and tell him we love him. Spoiled in the best way possible, in my opinion!

Our honeymoon was great! Very relaxing and definitely what we needed. I look back now and I’m so happy we were able to spend that time together. It’s really hard to spend quality time together these days, sometimes I feel so out of sync with one another. My blood sugars were alright, sometimes hard to manage but I did the best I could and tried to give myself grace through it all, knowing it was a small moment in time for my pregnancy.

Speaking of blood sugars, I’m still not 100% where I’d like to be and it makes me sad because I’m already in my 5th month but according to my dr I’m doing well. I remember when I was pregnant last time, the dr kept telling me to ease up a little. So maybe I am doing quite alright this time? I just worry I’m gonna fuck up somehow and it’s scary. My best work is usually during the week since I have a solid routine of what I eat and when. I usually stay 70% in range and apparently that’s okay. I would rather be 80% but I can only keep trying.

As far as symptoms go, my mental health seems to be doing a lot better. I don’t feel depressed every single day anymore and I definitely feel less emotional. That was a wild 3-4 months not going to lie. It was really really hard and even harder because nobody really understood so I felt very isolated. I still get down sometimes but not as severe as before. My nausea is like 98% gone! Sometimes I’ll feel it if I’ve eaten too much or something, but no more nausea lasting all day/evening. Thank goodness!! I still have sciatic nerve pain, especially during the week when I work. My body starts to slowly shut down on me around 10-11am. It’s hard because my job can be super active and they are understanding but at the same time…what am I supposed to do? Sit down for hours doing nothing? Also, once the nerve pain starts to act up even sitting down starts to hurt, especially getting up. It’ll last all evening. I noticed I don’t experience any pain on the weekends and didn’t have any pain during my vacation. Not sure what’ll end up happening at work. Guess we’ll see.

I’m starting to get back into cooking which brings me so much joy! I’ve got this weeks dinners all planned out. Could be the weather change (it’s currently raining and I love it) or that I’m feeling better, don’t know for sure but I’ll take it while I can. I still eat pretty much the same foods and still loving my fruit for my snacks at work! Got a couple yogurts too. Also still loving hot Cheetos here and there, lol. It’s called balance okay?

OH YEAH! And I’m finally feeling the baby kick. Started around the end of week 17. It’s what I’ve been waiting for for so long and I just love it so much. It’s so reassuring to me and it’s just the best feeling to me. Levi loves talking to my belly sometimes to say hello to the baby. Thinking about him being a big brother melts my heart because he is so kind and gentle and good to me that I just get so happy our new baby will be blessed with a brother like him. How lucky.

Of course I have my moments of worry though. I worry how I’ll be able to be a mom of two and keep myself happy. Kids can definitely put a strain on a relationship and mental health. I know I already struggle, and definitely did struggle when Levi was a baby. I wonder how can I love this baby as much as Levi? Will I become a shitty parent? Am I already one? There’s just..,a lot. There’s so much excitement yet worry all at the same time. I’m not sure how I’ll do this but I’m sure I’ll get through it.