October 14th, 2020

I know, I left you hanging there for a bit about the wedding. We actually had to postpone it because of the fires. It was extremely smokey and I didn’t want my family or the venders to be in that poor air quality! We actually had a full day that was completely orange from the smoke and fires. It was a very eerie day (hella depressing). Anyways, I was super bummed out about it but deep down I kind of knew I wouldn’t have gotten married that day. I didn’t know why I felt that way at first, but I just had an inkling that it wasn’t going to happen. I was experiencing extreme anxiety weeks before the wedding. Didn’t help that I hated the dress that I had gotten at David’s Bridal.

So…lets begin. I tried on that David’s Bridal dress a few weeks before the wedding just for fun. I hated it. I mean, I kind of already didn’t like it when I got it anyways but like, I really hated it. It wasn’t my style to begin with and I felt like it made me look like a line backer or something. Didn’t flatter my body at all, especially my broad shoulders. So, off I went and made an appointment at BHLDN. I originally had an appointment there before I got my DB dress but cancelled it. I highly regret that now because I could have found the perfect dress a while ago. Anyways, I ended up finding my perfect dress. I felt so good in it. But there was a catch, BHLDN doesn’t sell their dresses physically in-store. So I had to ship it and find someone who would alter it in ONE WEEK. I got the dress in five days and came across the sweetest woman on Yelp who tailored my dress in five days. She did amazing and I am so grateful for her.

Fast forward to the day of the wedding, it turned out amazing. The weather was freaking perfect and the skies were crystal clear. I had zero anxiety leading up to the day. I was filled with so much joy and excitement beforehand which makes me happy to look back on. I’m glad I had such a small wedding. It’s totally our style. My bouquet was amazing and so so beautiful, and so were the flowers on the altar. Jesse looked freaking handsome as heck and Levi was the cutest ever!! I’m waiting for our professional photos to be ready but have to wait a few weeks until we get them. We stayed in Sausalito the night before the wedding and also stayed there an extra night for a small honeymoon. We went out to eat at this restaurant right on the water and it was our first time doing that (I’ve always wanted to eat at a fancy restaurant on the water!). We drank some rose and ate good. We were so tired, though, that we went back to the hotel after and just relaxed before we went out and walked along the street and ventured through the cute tourist shops. We had a really good time and I’m excited to go back one day. It’s not like it’s far from home but we don’t usually go out that way anyways.

I still can’t believe we are now married! It’s such an awesome feeling. I honestly didn’t think I’d feel any different. I think about it every day since, and I’m just so overwhelmed with happiness and love. I love being married to my best friend!

How Not To Plan A Wedding

It’s been quite a while since I wrote on here! I’m currently planning my wedding, which will be in TWO WEEKS, and I am STRESSED! It’s not even a huge wedding (obviously due to COVID…but also I’d never plan a huge wedding anyways) but I feel like I’ve done every single thing to somewhat screw up. With that being said, I wanted to share what I did wrong so you don’t do that and become more stress free! I never really reached out to anyone for help or advice because of my circumstance. First, I don’t really know anyone who planned a wedding during a pandemic. Second, I decided to go through Pop the Knot (look ’em up!) and it’s like a whole package deal which makes things very convenient for me (shoutout to my good friend Angela for finding them for me since I had no idea how to start planning for a wedding). So you might be wondering why it would be stressful if I went that route. I honestly thought I would be stress free because I chose to do it this way but in the end…the stress is inevitable.

First, once you pick a date and are looking at venues, VISIT THE VENUE! If you can, please go check it out. Look at what the weather is during the time of day that you want to get married at. Google it if you can. I did not do this. We visited the ceremony site months ago and we didn’t even find the right location so we didn’t worry too much. We went last weekend and since it’s in San Francisco, it’s extremely foggy and somewhat cold. How did I not think about this? I mean, Karl the Fog is a well known ….guy? lol. You know what I mean. We couldn’t see the bridge like I had hoped and I had already bought Levi shorts to wear to the wedding. I googled the expected weather hoping it’ll be clear the day of the wedding and it most likely isn’t going to be. So back home I went, upset and quickly placed an order for express shipping for Levi to have pants to replace the shorts for his outfit. I also realized since it’s along a trail that many people might possibly be walking by. We’re currently in the middle of a pandemic and I am super paranoid of being judged for having a wedding during this time. Maybe you’re someone who’s judging me right now. I have some justifications to it but I’m not sure they matter. Regardless of what I keep trying to tell myself that it’ll be alright, I can’t help but worry about what others might think of me…even if they are complete strangers. I’m also not happy about the thought of people watching and staring at us. It’s one of my biggest insecurities? If that’s what you want to call it. I absolutely hate being the center of attention, which is why I’d never have a big wedding anyways. Luckily it’s just immediate family (our parents & siblings). Anyways…do real research. Don’t just go on yelp or google to look at images. Visit the place, look up the weather, foot traffic, etc.

Second, DO NOT WAIT TO TRY ON DRESSES. Trying on dresses wasn’t something I was actually excited about doing to be honest. I didn’t want to try on dresses in front of people, even family or friends. Again, I’m an insecure ass bitch. Do I bring spanx? Do I wear a bra? Do they go inside the dressing room with you and see all your lady parts?? It sounded awful! So as I was kind of researching where I might want to go to try on dresses, COVID happened and it all got cancelled. I didn’t really look into if places were still open or doing things by appointment only so I went through Etsy and purchased my dress from someone who could make the dress I was in love with. Again, since I hadn’t tried on dresses before I had no idea what kind of style would be most flattering for my body type. I’m not a thin girl and definitely need some sort of help in the stomach area to smooth that all out to feel comfortable in a dress. Anyways, I ordered my dream dress. It arrived a week ago. I tried it on and absolutely hated it. All I could focus on were my flaws and it brought me to tears. Now what was I supposed to do? I quickly went online and made appointments for two bridal stores. I went to the more affordable one first and I ended up trying on dresses that I hated but eventually found one I liked. It was the very last dress I tried on and it was actually a size smaller than my real size. It fit me but obviously I needed my right size. They, of course, didn’t have my size available in store so I had to order it. Let me tell you, I am so done with ordering things online. I have to pick it up next week once it’s been delivered and I just pray that it comes on time and isn’t somehow delayed or something. So yeah, start looking for dresses early on. It’ll save you a ton of stress and heartbreak. And if you do decide to order online, I still recommend trying on dresses in a store to see what style suits your body best.

Third, DO NOT WAIT TO GET YOUR MARRIAGE LICENSE. The past several days have been extremely stressful for me regarding this. A marriage license lasts 90 days so you have 90 days to get married or else you have to get a new one. Because of COVID, I was unsure if the wedding was actually going to happen. I just kept thinking it was going to be cancelled so I waited until the last minute (last week) to look into getting the license. Due to COVID, my county isn’t doing walk-ins anymore. Before, you could just walk right in and get your license and walk right out. Now, you need to make an appointment to go in and get your license. There were no appointments left for this month! The woman on the phone told me I’d either have to delay my wedding or go see a judge afterwards to make the marriage official. I definitely cried after that phone call. One thing she did mention though, which I am very grateful for, is that I could get my license in a different county. In California, you don’t have to get married in the same county that you got your license in. So we luckily have an appointment next week in Sacramento to get our license. Hoping things go smoothly and that’ll be one less thing to worry about next week! GET YOUR LICENSE RIGHT AT THE START OF THE 90 DAYS. It costs less than $100. I originally didn’t want to spend that money if it was just going to go to waste but honestly, I wish I had just done it at the start of the 90 days because it would have saved me a lot of tears, anxiety, and stress.

There are still things I need to do or things that take up my mind right now. We need to make sure we get our suit/dress (his is being altered right now). We need to get our license. We need to pick a song for me to walk down the aisle to. We need to decide if we’re going to have food or not, and if so, what should I get? Due to COVID, there isn’t going to be anyone to cater the wedding. We only have a permit for the park for two hours and after the photos are taken it should be right at the end of our allowed time limit. There are no park benches to sit and eat at so if we do have food it’ll be finger food and it’ll be a tailgate essentially and to be honest I don’t really care to do that. This is a super small ceremony, not an extravagant wedding. It’s definitely not the most perfect wedding I would have imagined for myself but it’s what I’m going to have and that’ll be fine. I’ll also be doing my own hair/makeup/nails, so that also stresses me out because I just hope I don’t screw it up and make myself look horrible. There’s probably more I could add to this list but for now this is what I want people to know, haha.

Oh, and never let anyone try to make you feel like crap for not inviting them. Again, we’re in the middle of a pandemic and I want to keep people as safe as possible which meant I had to keep it immediate family only. I do not have the time or mental space to deal with feeling bad for not having certain family members at my wedding. Trust me, they’ll live. I guess I just don’t understand why someone would be so upset. If I was uninvited due to COVID, or purely not invited due to space or because the bride and groom wanted a small wedding, then so be it. It’s their special day, not yours! Nobody wants to feel sad on their wedding day.

I’ll update in a couple weeks when the wedding has finally happened! I am full of anxiety but also excitement to finally marry my best friend.

My Five Year Plan.

Jesse just asked me what my five year plan is and I didn’t really need to think much about it honestly. Except when I think about it, it sucks that there’s not really a point in having any sort of plan especially when this entire year has already gone down the drain. Maybe I’m too negative right now but everything we had already planned for the year was basically ruined. We were so excited to take Levi to Disneyland around the time of his second birthday. We were going to get married (still a possibility but who knows if it’ll happen this year). I wanted to plan for another baby. There were things we wanted to do and places we wanted to go. So…it’s a bummer to think they won’t be happening and I’m just so impatient it sucks that I have to wait.

But for the sake of this post, if I had a five year plan that was actually attainable it would be that I would love to move! At first we talked about moving out of state but I don’t think we can part with California any time soon (or in five years). Currently in the bay area where home prices are insane, we’re thinking of moving a bit up north maybe around Sacramento, that way we can still go to Lake Tahoe since it means a lot to the both of us. The reason I don’t see us moving any time soon is that due to COVID-19, we are both unemployed. My salary definitely isn’t helpful, but his is. So probably at the end of the year he’ll have to be looking for a new job. He’ll need to get back on his feet in order to make enough money to buy a home! So yeah, we’ll see if we move in five years!

The second was to have a baby. I cannot tell you how bad my baby fever is right now, and has been for a few months now. I already started a few months ago making sure my blood sugars were tighter so that when it was time to set things up with my doctors, I’d be close to perfect in terms of being healthy enough to start trying to conceive. I know I could get pregnant right now if I wanted to, but due to my diabetes I’d like to be under my doctors supervision like I was with Levi. It’s very helpful and it puts my mind at ease since being pregnant with diabetes is no joke. Also, another thing holding me back is obviously the pandemic. I’m not really trying to be pregnant right now during it and have the added stress since I worried 24/7 about my pregnancy just because of my diabetes in the first place. Any time I see a pregnant woman on my feed these days, I can’t help but be extremely jealous and sad that I can’t be “normal” and just get pregnant without having to worry about other things besides the pandemic. Obviously I’m happy for all the women getting pregnant and having babies, I just have a quick emotion of being sad, too. So maybe it’ll happen next year. We’ll see.

I would love to travel! A while ago, me and Jesse said that every year we’d try and visit at least one state that we’ve never been to. Obviously that isn’t going to happen this year and that’s okay. It’s not like a huge deal or anything but it still makes me sad that we’re basically going to spend all of 2020 in our home.

Getting married, of course. I want it to happen this year but I can’t see it going well if it does. I haven’t tried on any dresses or planned anything. I’m afraid when it happens I’m going to be a mess and won’t be able to enjoy any part of it and that also makes me sad. But we’ve been together for almost 11 years and I suppose waiting another year won’t change anything.

So, I guess that’s not a whole lot for a five year plan but honestly I just want to grow my family and have a bigger home to fit everyone and our animals. I just want to be happy. I’m not sure if it’s a bad thing that I don’t have any career goals set for myself. If I think too much about that it’ll make me sad. I don’t know why I’m not driven to have a career. I do like working, though. I guess I just don’t see any talents in myself that make me qualified enough to have a career. I’d probably have to go back to school and I don’t want to do that to be honest. I don’t have the attention span to focus on reading a book or writing a paper, lol. It would definitely be cool to work with animals again, though. I find so much joy in that and I also don’t mind the dirty work, either. I like being busy. I could never sit at a desk all day and stare at a computer. I even thought it would be cool to work at a grocery store (ummm hello discounts and being around food all day?!) but I’d never want to be cashier again because F THAT. I’d have to be a stocker or something to feel fulfilled. Anyways, now I’m rambling and probably saying too much about myself that I might be embarrassed about later. Do you have a five year plan? Do you believe in making them or feel it’s not really necessary since life changes all the time? I remember not having a birth plan because I knew if I planned it and it didn’t go the way I wanted that I’d be so disappointed and I didn’t want myself to feel that way. I just wanted to go with the flow, and that’s exactly what I did! I think applying it to life would be a good idea, too. Less planning, less disappointment.

Two.

My baby is finally two years old. Should I cry now or later? Time has absolutely flown by and I want it to slow down. I cry thinking about how one day he won’t need me anymore or won’t want to cuddle me until he falls asleep. He brings SO much joy into everyone’s lives and I can’t imagine my life without him. Even when times are hard and I feel overwhelmed, I am so glad to have him in our home, by my side, making us laugh with the silly things he does.

I haven’t updated on here in a couple of months, simply because there wasn’t much to update anyone on. And when things did happen, I just wasn’t feeling it. As everyone knows, we are in the middle of a pandemic. Early May news was swirling around but of course mister 45 was saying it wasn’t anything to really be worried about. Once the issued the first shelter in place (SIP), I was terrified. Mostly due to my health condition, but also for family members and just what in the heck we were all going to do. I called out of work that first week because I wasn’t sure what to do. By the second week, I was laid off. I had already had a feeling it would happen to me because I only worked two days a week and I didn’t really consider my position a necessity to the organization to be honest. Then they let everyone in my department go, and that was a shit show. There were no warnings to anyone. It just happened like that *snaps finger*. People were devastated. I was devastated for them and then for myself even though I had seen it coming for me. Imagine if this happened to me while I was full time and getting health benefits through work? I consider myself damn lucky because they would have screwed me if I was still on their insurance. Yes, I am getting unemployment so if you want to look at that as also being lucky during this time…I get it. They did a permanent lay off which means if I want my job back, I’d have to reapply. I think the way they went about this was wrong and disgusting, so I really don’t know if I’d ever go back which makes me super sad because it was my dream job. I felt like I was good at it and I loved the people I worked with. It was a good environment in that sense. So, moving forward…I’m going to focus on my family and I think being with Levi and Jesse helps me a lot. I don’t really have time to sit and dwell on what happened to me and my friends. I mean, I could do that but then my son wouldn’t have my full attention and that would be terrible. I’d rather just do what I’m doing.

SIP. So it’s been almost a month I think? I kind of lost track. I go to the store about once a week (me and Jesse switch off or he’ll go in the middle of the week if I forgot something). Sometimes we get bored at home but I think having our routine helps a lot. Wake up, breakfast, chill, lunch, Levi’s nap time, chill, go for a walk, eat dinner, chill, sleep. I try and work out every morning and that helps me A LOT. It gives me a purpose for each day and gets me in the shower and motivates me to then get ready for the day (hair and makeup). I’ve noticed that if I sit in my pajamas all day without makeup on, I feel gross and sad. I definitely have days off from working out but for the most part I still try and get ready for the day anyways. Levi’s been doing well during this time. I think he’s already been used to us being with him a lot anyways so not much  has changed. Jesse’s job isn’t affected as much except he’s working at home and not going to any of his properties or anything. I’m anticipating the SIP to last even longer. It’s a shame people are going out protesting this and thinking it’s some type of government control (IT’S NOT, PEOPLE! WHY WOULD THE GOV WANT THIS). Anyways, I digress. Last week we finally did our laundry room! We were going to have someone put in cabinets above our washer and dryer but we woke up Saturday and Jesse said, “lets paint our laundry room” and I was like, “okay!” Super exciting stuff. It turned out amazing and absolutely love it and can’t wait to paint our room! I wanted to hire someone for that but you know what, the longer we’re stuck at home the more I’m just going to want to do it myself. Also, due to the SIP we most likely won’t be getting married this August. Can’t really see it happening since I can’t go dress shopping or figure out who’s going to do my hair/makeup…etc. I was pretty bummed about it but Jesse keeps reminding me that it’ll all work out and if we have to get married next year then so be it!

On top of working out as much as possible, I have switched up my diet! Have you heard of the book Mastering Diabetes? It’s a very good read, regardless if you’re diabetic or prediabetic. I have tried to have a high-carb low-fat diet. I’m not perfect at it at any means, but I’m trying my best. My blood sugars have been AMAZING. I’ve been eating smoothie bowls for breakfast, fruits for my snacks, and eating a bunch of high-carb goodness. I’ve cut out meat for the most part and try to avoid cheese as much as possible. Not going to lie, when I make tacos I still like to put a little dollop of sour cream on top and I think that’s ok 🙂 I also will put a little yogurt into my smoothie for breakfast since it adds a nice creaminess (and protein!). I’m really bad at hitting the protein goal every day but I’m trying to find other ways to get it in. I’ve noticed my meals are so much more filling and I feel GOOD! Definitely eating more whole foods and I’m excited where this journey takes me.

Now on to the most important person….LEVI! I know I talked a little about him in the first paragraph but this kid is FUNNY. He cracks us up all the time and he’s so smart! He says his ABC’s and can count to 13 (super random, but that’s the number!). He knows a few shapes and we’re currently working on colors! For some reason this seems to be the most difficult for him to get down but it’s okay, he’ll get there. We’re also thinking about potty training. Well, we’re mostly trying to get him comfortable with the potty. We’ve had one for a couple of months now in our bathroom and he never sat on it except he randomly did the other day. Now, when I ask him if he wants to go potty he goes to it and sits down! He doesn’t actually go potty or anything but the fact that he knows what it is and that you’re supposed to sit down is a start. I’m thinking in another month or two we’ll be able to progress. Having a birthday in quarantine kind of sucks (I know from experience a couple of weeks ago) but I’m really hoping to make his day special! At first I was only going to get him a couple presents, but then I got kind of wild and we got a couple more. I just want him to have a special day. I’m going to make his favorite- spaghetti and meatballs and we’re going to have cupcakes that I’m going to bake! I’m excited and can’t wait. I’m writing this a day before his birthday because I know tomorrow I won’t want to write at all. With all that’s been going on I feel overwhelmed with writing anyways. I was going to get all sappy on here about Levi but then I’d cry. I just know that he is the absolute perfect person for us and I couldn’t be more grateful to have him as our son. We constantly ask ourselves how we got so lucky. He is literally perfect and so freaking cute. I’m biased, I know. He’s at the best age and we don’t want him to grow up! He’s so friendly and loves being around other kids. He’s still obsessed with cars, especially his monster truck cars and has one in his hands at all times, he even falls asleep with it in his hands haha! He LOVES cuddling, especially his mama. He can’t fall asleep without holding on to my hand or arm so if I move my arm away from him too quickly, he’ll reach for it and pull it back to him. And it won’t work with Jesse’s hand or arm, it has to be mine. He wakes up every morning and pops up and says, “Truck?” to which we then have to grab his truck and give it to him and he’ll lay back down for another 30 minutes or so. Loud sounds always frighten him, even sounds on battery powered cars or trucks. He loves trains and garbage trucks! He’s also into watching YouTube videos and constantly asks for the “memote” (remote) and YouTube if our TV is on anything different. If you’re not paying attention to him he’ll come up really close to you and say “Hi!” until you focus your attention on him (it’s my absolute favorite thing in the world). He loves going on walks around our neighborhood with Jesse, it’s their “thing” and it’s also my favorite thing because it means mommy gets some alone time for ten minutes, haha. But also because I want them to have the best bond ever so I love when they’re together. His vocabulary is huge and I swear he says a new word almost every day. Sometimes I can’t wait to have conversations with him but then I remember that he’ll be so big and I’ll miss this time right now. I just love him SO much that I could eat his little arms and leggies. I hope he has the best second birthday and many many more! I am so proud of my boy and I hope he’ll always know how much I love him and how much he means to me!

21 Months.

I’m pretty behind on this one since he turned 21 months on the 23rd but LIFE IS CRAY. I’m sure everyone can relate. Like before, his vocabulary is just increasing by day. Woke up the other day and started saying, “Ready…go!” and he’s doing cute things like hiding his cars and saying, “Where’d it go?” It’s freaking adorable and I love it. He’s finally over the whole cast thing! Poor kid had a fractured tibia the entire time but the first X-ray didn’t catch it so that’s why we thought he hurt his ankle. So there’s not much to update ya on little Levi since he’s pretty much the same! He’s hilarious, super cute…ya know, the usual 🙂

Work has been the same for me lately. It’s nice to just go twice a week and then focus on house stuff and baby stuff. Have you guys done your taxes yet? I got mine done last Sunday and I’m glad to have that out of the way. The next big thing on our list is getting the new California ID. I dread going to the DMV so that’s why we haven’t gone yet but we have to get it done by October I believe. Next is trying to plan a ceremony/wedding. I don’t even like thinking about it to be honest because it just makes me super overwhelmed. I’m not a good planner and we’re both super low key type of people and do not want anything big at all. So we’ll see what happens. 2020 is already so crazy! January has seemed like the longest month ever and I feel like once it’s completely over, like after tomorrow, the year is going to fly by like nobody’s business haha.

Hope everyone has a great rest of the month, catch ya next month!

20 Months Old.

I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve written on here! And honestly, I’ve kind of forgotten about it. The past few weeks have been pretty hectic will all things holiday and Levi getting a cast! Let’s talk about that first to get it out of the way. My poor baby got a cast on and had it on for 12 days. I wish I knew what he did to hurt himself, but I don’t. We were sitting playing and I got up and walked away and he started to cry on his hands and knees and I didn’t even know he hurt his foot until a half hour later it seems like. He wasn’t walking on his foot and cried any time we touched his ankle. So we brought him in and they did x-rays on him and nothing showed up. Because it wasn’t broken, they thought it was a toddler fracture so they then put him in a cast. After taking the cast off he still wasn’t walking. It seemed a little hurt still because he would whine when we put a shoe onto that foot. They gave us a walking boot but to be honest, that thing sucks and I don’t see the point when he isn’t walking anyways so it ends up being dragged all over the floor and it’s super bulky. The doctor wanted us to come back in to possibly do another x-ray but it was the day before xmas eve and I just didn’t feel like going by myself because he seriously goes crazy whenever he see’s a doctor and it’s super stressful for me. Call me a bad mom, I don’t care! So we were going to wait until after Christmas and on Saturday he actually walked for the first time while holding my hand! He had been couch surfing and pulling himself up and walking along things, but never walking without doing that! So since then we’ve been making sure we go outside (where he’s most motivated to walk) and walk him up and down the sidewalk. We took him to the zoo on Sunday and he walked there, too. He’s a little wobbly but I figure it’s because he hasn’t walked on his feet in like, 3 weeks. They’re probably a little weak or sore. Anyways, I’m still super sad about it because I really miss my baby being able to run and play and I’m constantly doubting myself if I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I might get shit for not going to the doctor for every little thing but you know when you can just tell if you really need to go or not? We’ll see how the rest of the week goes, I actually might call the advice nurse to see what they say about it. I’m just glad he’s walking while holding our hands…I think it’s a step in the right direction for his healing!

He’s still picking up words like nobody’s business lately. Even a bad one. Whoops. But luckily he doesn’t go around saying that word! He’s only repeated it a few times (lol). He’s also been a little rough with me lately and when he gets ready to go to bed he thinks hitting me or biting me is funny. So not funny! And it hurts like hell, so we’re trying to stop that behavior. It’s hard when he thinks it’s hilarious. I have to make sure I don’t laugh, too, or he’ll really keep doing it! We’ve finally got his room set up to where he *could* possibly sleep in there but I feel stuck. I honestly don’t think he’ll sleep in his room until he’s a little older, which sucks. DON’T EVER CO-SLEEP! Just don’t. Unless you’re that kind of parent who really wants to, or you don’t have space to have their own bed. But man, I miss my bed! He’s a total mama’s boy and ONLY wants to cuddle with me during the night. He wakes up and will cry if my back is facing him. He likes being right up under my armpit with my arm wrapped around him *starts crying*. Okay, okay…it’s super cute and I love cuddling with him. But I still wish I had my bed back to myself, haha.

Did everyone have a good holiday last week? I had to work both Christmas Eve and Christmas, which was a bummer but I got through it. I actually left work early on Christmas because I wasn’t feeling the best but it’s okay because when I got home I GOT PROPOSED TO! I guess I’m announcing it on here first before my other social media accounts. So if you read this, now you know! I can’t wear my ring though because it needs to be resized so I’m impatiently waiting for the jeweler to open on the 3rd so I can get shit done! My dad ended up picking me up from work on Christmas so as soon as I walked into the door, Jesse was on one knee and the rest is history! It’s actually so insane how many emotions one can have when something like that happens. Something I never thought would happen, and something I was completely fine with not happening (refer back to a post about marriage). I still do not think it’s necessary in a relationship to get married and I don’t think it defines the love someone has for another. But I’m really happy I have a fiancé now and it makes me happy…a happy I didn’t think I could really have? It’s weird. I cried a lot after it happened.

Anyways, the holidays were nice and I’ve gotten to spend a lot of time with Jesse and Levi. I’m obsessed with my little family and I love being around them. Looking at Levi yesterday at the zoo being so happy just made me want to cry. It was so fun and I’m really glad we went out and did that. Sometimes chores and things get in the way that we don’t spend as much time doing fun things like that together, and I want to change that. 2020 should definitely be spent doing more adventures!

As for me, I’ve fallen off the workout wagon for the past two months but I got a 20lb bar bell for Christmas and I worked out twice with it already and they were really good workouts! It for sure motivated me a lot. Diabetes wise, I haven’t been doing the greatest. I was, and then I wasn’t. Lately I feel burnt out and that no matter how much insulin I give myself, I still go high. I spent the last 3-4 days being “high” all day! It gets so frustrating that I don’t even want to try to be good. I stop caring about it and I know that’s not the right attitude to have but it’s exhausting. Diabetes can be so tremendously tiring on the mind and body and it’s hard to not give up completely and push yourself to do better and take care of yourself. So currently, that’s what I’m working on. I’m also 80% sure I want to get on the pump. I finally visited my Endo’s nurse and she talked to me about it and really educated me on using a pump and I think…why not?? It might be so useful and I might love it. I’ve been really over having to inject insulin every single time I want to eat or correct my blood sugars. I never minded before, but lately it’s been so annoying to me. I think I need a change.

I hope everyone rings in the new year with good vibes! Be safe!

 

p.s. omg can you believe Levi will be 2 in four months? brb crying…

19 Months Old.

Another month, another update!! He’s become quite a chatterbox lately, it’s amazing how fast he picks up on words these days. He’s finally starting to say his “m’s” a lot more!! Not quite saying mama but I’ll catch him saying the “m” sound to himself so that’s fine with me!! He’s gotten a lot more pickier with food so that’s really frustrating for me. He used to be a pretty good eater and now he’s changing and doesn’t have as big as an appetite as before! I’m trying to not get so frustrated and just go with the flow. But I can’t help that when he eats a lot, it makes me happy! He had a good checkup a week or so ago and he is 29 pounds and the doctor said he’s still big but not as big as before according to all the measurements! Looking back at old photos cracks me up because he was for sure a chunk a monk!! He’s getting his molars in too which is exciting! I’ve been waiting for these little teethies to come in. I can tell he doesn’t always feel 100% because he’s been fussier than normal lately. Again, I try to take deep breaths during the meltdowns. He throws things when he’s upset but I guess that’s normal also. I wasn’t sure if I had some sort of baby with anger issues already, haha. His love for trains, planes, and automobiles runs deep. He goes around saying “big truck” all day and playing with his hot wheels is his favorite thing to do. I keep having to tell Jesse to stop buying them all the time because we have so many already! I think he buys them because it brings him a lot of joy too, lol. Boys.

I went back to work and it’s going really well. I like being busy a couple of days a week, having somewhat my own identity. It’s for sure tiring at the end of each day but it feels nice. I think it’s good for my mental health and if I’m doing better than that just makes me a better mom!

This is a short update. I don’t have much to touch on. Thanksgiving is only a couple days away and I’m finally spending it with family from my moms side of the family. It’s been years since we’ve been together so I’m looking forward to it!

18 Months Old.

Another month, another update! He’s doing pretty much the same except has added a couple of more words to his vocabulary! I don’t think he was saying this last month but if I already said it then…oops. Well, he says “thank you” and it’s SO cute you guys! Jesse has heard him say “grandpa” but I haven’t heard it yet so who knows haha. Levi is the funniest little person ever. He makes me laugh all the time and he is seriously my little best friend! He still has only 8 teeth so we’re waiting for his molars to pop through. His favorite snacks are bananas, fig bars, cheddar bunnies, and applesauce. We went through a phase a long time ago where he ate a ton of graham crackers and Ritz crackers as snacks. We stopped buying them because he kept feeding them to Wilson, and would also walk away when offered to him. He’s been such a great eater still! I mean, he tries most things but doesn’t always like it but he usually eats whatever I make for dinner (for the most part). Last week I made a brand new meal almost every day and he only liked one dinner! That was a bummer.

We’ve been going to the park a lot lately and the germs finally caught onto us and got us sick. He started showing symptoms Sunday afternoon and luckily he only had one fever one night and it’s just been a runny nose since, but it still sucks! He passed it along to me and I think the other night and yesterday were my worst days for sure. I’m so thankful to not have a sore throat, those are seriously the worst!

One thing I’ve been so paranoid about lately is him getting diabetes since I have it. I’ve always been terrified of my child getting it since their chances of getting it goes up if they have a relative with it. I think I read it’s more likely if the father has it? Not completely sure. He has his 18 month checkup next week so we’ll be able to talk to the doctor about it. I’d test his blood sugar at home but I don’t want to be the one to prick his little finger. I don’t have it in me. We also need to get our flu shots! I didn’t get mine last year and I was fine so I’m honestly like 50/50 on those things. I don’t know why some people have such strong opinions on them. I felt like my neighbor was totally judging me when she asked me if I had gotten it and I told her no. Whateva.

Anyways, we’re excited for Halloween to come and we already have his costume ready to go! We’ve taken him to a couple of houses that have a ton of decorations and he isn’t quite sure of it all but they’re all interesting to look at!

I’ll make this post extra long and add a few things I’ve been going through, or what has been going on in my life. I mean, I’m 18 months post partum right?? I can’t believe I’m saying this but I am going to go back to my old job and work part time! We’ve been struggling a little financially (which was my biggest fear when I was quitting my job before) so we thought it would be nice to have me work a couple of days a week. I’m still so fortunate to be able to stay home as much as I will be. The entire time I was out of work I couldn’t get used to being a stay at home mom. I questioned how other moms were able to do it and enjoy it. I mean, I enjoy every second of it but the money situation is what I couldn’t understand. Like, how do you buy your husband/partner gifts? With their money? If you have a joint bank account then that’s the solution I suppose, but we don’t have one. I feel like a child every other week getting an allowance to spend on my bills or misc. things. So yeah, I miss making my own money but I also love being at home. Levi is at his grandparents house right now and my heart feels empty because I just love being around him even when he exhausts me. So it’ll be hard for sure to go back to work because I told myself I’d look for a new place to work at whenever I decided to go back. Plus, this job requires weekend work and holiday work which I was excited to also not have to do anymore. But, such is life right? I think of it as doing what I gotta do to help my family! And it’s so minimal that I feel like an asshole for even slightly complaining.

Also, I’ve been on this intuitive eating journey and although I haven’t finished the book, I’ve learned a lot. Some days are harder than others for sure. I caved and stepped on the scale today because I went through my pile of jeans and tried on the pre-baby ones. At first I thought of it as a mistake like, “why would you start your day off like this??” but it had to be done. Of course none of them fit me. Even the ones that fit me right after having Levi didn’t fit me anymore. The boyfriend fit jeans weren’t boyfriend fit, they were pretty tight. So yeah, it sucked. I try to put into my head that I know I’ve gained weight since having him but that I also have way more muscle. I say it to myself to try to make myself feel better. Today that’s not really working. I know my legs have more muscle because they didn’t have any before, but they really are a lot thicker and I hate when people take pictures of me showing my lower half. If they do, I crop it out. As if I don’t want to show people…it makes having social media suck. Anyways, I weighed myself and was surprised that I hadn’t gained or lost any weight since intuitively eating. Which is a good thing, I think. I’ve been trying to really listen to my body so to know that it hasn’t let me down by gaining weight is pretty cool I guess. It’s hard to want to drop several pounds but also not make food an enemy (or a really close best friend). I just want food to be food. I stopped making cookies because I would make a batch once a week and I think I finally got sick of them. So then I moved onto dates which I think were a way healthier choice in terms of something sweet. Sure, they’re high in sugar but it’s natural sugar which is way better than sugar in processed foods. While I had my sore throat I had Jesse go get me ice cream. I hadn’t had it in a long while and it felt sooo good to eat something that soothed my throat! So I’m not beating myself up over that either. I think I’m making a lot of improvements. One thing I’ve definitely been slacking on this month are my work outs. I’ve hardly done any which is embarrassing because last month I was so active! But I’m not letting that stop me from doing it once I feel better. I’ve been in a bit of a haze lately and I can’t really focus on much. I just haven’t been in the mood to put it simply, and I’m letting that be OK, because it is. I’ll get back to it either the end of the week or next week.

Sorry for not writing more often, to anyone who actually enjoys these updates. I like doing them even if they’re boring because one day I’ll find joy in reading them again.

17 Months Old.

Wow, I feel like the last month went by pretty slowly but here we are at the 17 month mark! He has definitely become more driven in what he wants. I don’t think I’m wording that correctly, but you get my drift. He’s becoming a toddler and he wants things when he wants them, and he’s not afraid to scream about it. Sometimes I have no clue what he wants and he points at the counter tops and I just have no idea! My patience is tested often these days and sometimes it really tires me out (most times, I should say). I’m trying to learn to help him help me if that makes sense. When he’s really irritable or fussy I try to stop whatever it is that I’m doing and put my focus 100% on him. I put the phone down, get off the computer, whatever it is…I stop and I play with him. Or I read to him or just engage more with him. I feel guilty about it too because it sucks that I wasn’t already paying enough attention to him but sometimes I need a mental break and if he’s playing by himself I think that’s okay to do. But toddlers will be fine by themselves and then out of nowhere need you so quickly and it’s a bit of an adjustment for me.

Shopping trips are no longer as fun for me or him. I used to love bringing him everywhere with me because he behaved so well but now he doesn’t find the shopping cart or stores as amusing. He wants snacks and he wants out! I started bringing snacks with me a long time ago anytime I went to stores with him in case he started fussing and I used it to calm him down throughout the stores but now it’s become that he associates being out with snacks I think. As soon as I put him in the cart he whines and cries for my purse because that’s where the snacks are. So I feed him throughout the store. I’m not sure if this is any better than being the mom who whips out her phone or a video game for their kid to play with, lol. Also, whenever we shop with Jesse, he’ll let him out of the shopping cart to walk around. This also is an issue because then Levi thinks if he cries he can get out of the cart which, to me, is NOT okay. So we had a discussion about it  and Jesse will try to stop doing that since it causes issues for me when I’m out with Levi by myself. I don’t think it’s okay to let Levi do whatever he wants or get out of a situation just because he doesn’t feel like being in it (obviously I’m talking about an easy situation…like grocery shopping).  It’s like, how do you discipline a child who doesn’t know any better? It’s hard! And you don’t want to be naïve and think you shouldn’t and then as they get older they’ve never known any structure or discipline and they become some out of hand kid.

Anyways, we’re working on it. A lot of days are hard for me and I’m really tired most of the time but we’re hanging in there. I can’t wait for the weather to cool down so that we can play outside in the middle of the day since we’re either playing super early in the day or after dinner because it’s too hot for me to handle in between. An update on the neighbor that I spoke about in an earlier post, we see her and her son about once a week and Levi doesn’t really care about kids his age so they don’t do much together but it is nice to hang out with someone and get him used to being around other kids. He loves playing with older kids at the park (2-3 years old). I think he likes older kids because they play with him like an adult would…like playing chase or tag or just running around whereas a kid his age wouldn’t necessarily do that.

Oh yeah, we’re fostering three kittens right now and Levi loves them! Mostly he loves playing with their toys but same thing, haha. He really loves cats for some reason and he lights up whenever he see’s them. It’s really cute. They’re pretty gross and poopy though so I don’t think I’ll foster anytime soon after I’m done with them. I think I took on way too much with them. Before I got them I thought, “I can totally do this! I have so much time on my hands!” And then I quickly got overwhelmed and realized I was taking on an extra three lives to care for when I’m already doing everything else around here. Whew. Stressed and exhausted is an understatement for sure. Sorry for complaining about being tired but that’s all I feel these days. I’m sure many others can relate (moms or not! Life is tiring for everyone).

Well the next thing we have going on is searching for halloween costumes! We have no idea what we want Levi to be this year. I want to dress him up but then I also don’t care but we’ll see. Thinking about all of the holiday’s makes me excited for him as I personally don’t care about any of them but it’s fun to get excited for him and to create fun memories!

Marriage.

Marriage, and why you should never ask another person when it’s going to happen. Wanna know why? Because it’s none of your business! So of course while being pregnant and afterwards, I’ve been asked quite a bit…”So, are you guys ever going to marry?” Why does this have to be such a big deal? We’ve been together for ten years now and I’d be lying if I haven’t been sad about it not happening yet. Look, I know the question and interest is completely harmless but it used to make me extremely sad trying to answer it. How does one even answer that?

As a child you might have dreamt of one day having a wedding and then starting a family (or maybe you haven’t…I’m just speaking for myself here). Anyways, it was something I always wanted until I started to get older and realized I hated the attention on me. I definitely do not like being the center of attention and could never really see myself walking down an aisle having everyone’s eyes on me. And do a first dance? In front of everyone? HELL NO. But I still wanted to be married. I still wanted a ring. I’ve shed tears over it. Plenty of them. I’ve been extremely jealous of other couples getting engaged after only being with one another for a way shorter time than me and Jesse. Sometimes I still get a little jealous. My main thought would always be, what do they have that we don’t? What makes that man want to propose to his girlfriend that Jesse must not feel with me? Does he not love me enough, am I not good enough?? I’d think those same exact thoughts over and over and once you think it enough, you automatically think less of yourself. It made me so sad and would put me in a really down mood and I would just cry about it. A lot.

It wasn’t until fairly recently that I decided that I actually don’t think I want to get married. I’ll never have to pay money for a wedding only to be completely uncomfortable the entire time. I’ll never have to worry about divorce. To be honest that word just sounds so harsh that I never want to use it anyways. We’re doing completely fine right now and being married does NOT define a relationship. It makes you think that you’re making this commitment forever and you can only do that with a  ring on your finger but in reality it’s your choice as a couple to make that commitment regardless of a marriage or a ring, you know? How many people make that commitment but then end up cheating or getting divorced in the end? A lot! I used to also get really sad about not having my children’s same last name. That if I went to pick them  up from school and we had different last names that I would have to prove I was their mom or something. But now I actually don’t think I would want to change my last name even if we did get married! I like the way my name flows and it’s ME. I’m not being defined by someone else because of their last name. Also, if we did get married…I mean what would change in everyone elses opinion of us? Nothing! Sure, they’d refer to him as my husband or me as his wife but people already do that anyways because they just assume we’re married. So it’s really no big deal at all.

So, to answer the biggest question of the century…who knows if it’ll ever happen. If it does, cool! If it doesn’t, cool! Nothing about us will ever change. We don’t have to prove to anyone how much we love each other by getting married. He’s always told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and isn’t that what you’d want out of your relationship anyways? I think if you’re in a similar situation and you might be giving your partner the ultimatum you should think about it some more. What do you really want? If your partner doesn’t propose, that’s the end? Did you really want to be with them in the first place? Some people aren’t comfortable with the whole marriage thing and it might be something you just have to respect if you truly want to be with them. Shit, buy yourself your own damn ring, girl!

Thanks for coming to my TED talk and if you ever see yourself about to ask that golden question to a couple who’s been together for a while or they started a family together without getting married first…maybe stop yourself and don’t ask the question 🙂